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5986700 tn?1380791380

mourning

Hi angel peeps!
I hope everyone had an uber fabtabulous weekend!  I on the other hand am glad that I was too
busy to give my B.S. as little attention as possible.

I'm having quite the go of it with the "sad sack" emotional rollercoaster; well not even a rollercoaster,
more like a slow moving vehicle in bumper to bumper traffic.....just creeping along with bad weather
conditions to boot.

As someone with depression and ADHD, I spend a tremendous amount of time in my head.....this
crying and emotional memory regurgitation is stifling and so uncomfortable.  I am pretty clear right
now but with that comes clear memories of painful situations and outcomes.

So being that this is a queston forum, my question is how long does this "past life memory movie", take to
slow down and level out; or is it sujective to one's personal character and general state of mind.....and this
is a dumb question!!!!!  Sorry it's just REALLY been a big bummer the last week, it's p*ssin me off a lttle
bit!  I'm crying all the time....then level.....then sad.....then level etc......no real "up" to speak of really.

Anyway, that whole state of mind affects my energy level and makes it doubly hard to haul my *ss around
which I had to do a h*ll of a lot this weekend......and although the body is feels heavy and slow, the mind
continues to race.

Peeps, relate?
:o}
18 Responses
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5986700 tn?1380791380
Heather ,   Princess of Perpetual Positiveness.....make no mistake,......I make not fun.........you ARE "hope" incarnate.
love always
xo
Helpful - 0
6063300 tn?1430430571
Hey sweetie we are in this together for the long,long,long.....haul!!!! Remember to take those pills they really do help it takes about a week but they do work! I am always here for you my sweet and dear friend! love you!
xoxo
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
hahaha, Miss Queen of Rockin it!
ya,,,,can I just sleep until I hit 96 days.....
le snore!
hugs.xo
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
Vic, thank you doll,
I am going to go have a look now at your journal....I think I know what you
are saying ....the 5 or 7 stags of grief?   Ya it  makes sense right.

I am very emotional right now yes.......I can't think of anything without somehow it turn into a visual mind scene of let's play a game of "WORSE CASE SCENARIO".....and let's do this with every single f**king thought you have, with brief interludes of shame and regret and remorse oh wait there's some more shame.....uh uh uh and there's a little more regret on top!  Honestly I never shut up inside. .....self self self, you get to the point where you really can't stand even listening to your "self".

Sorry this is now just turning into a pissy tantrum........I love that you cared enough to post to me.......thank you very much.
I will say prayers for your heart and your loves tonight with the small chance that one of them will get to you and make a difference.
Hope and faith in eventual peace....
hugs ox
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
Hello to you friend.....your words could not be more true.....I have learned the hard way that I cannot just go "hole-up" as I call it.
I am a loner too and OHHHHHH yes it is a recipe for disaster, I love being alone but I also can be my own worse company......always a million things going on inside and not always easy to shut it off.

This MH site is my treasure as I'm sure it is for a lot of souls.  But I think this was my last chance and I'm taking it and I don't think MH will be rid of
me for a long long time.

Already because I have used this site and it's angels for support I have done so much better with my sobriety than I ever have or probably ever will.  

I will forever be rooting for you friend ....thank you again
peace and hugs
xo
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
Your support means a lot to me Barb, yes lol, you do sound like me.
I get it in my head that I'm okay and I just stop taking the welbutrin.....but it never turns out well. . lol, My sense of humor is the first to go most times.
That can be weird.....being able to sit there while everyone else thinks something is funny and I just sit stone cold ....not angry just emotionless....yikes......not attractive quality in a friend or dinner date. lol

Yes I will take your support kind soul and I won't say no to that magic wand you're offerin up ..........waiting for the proto type.  :o}
Blessings for you.
xo
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
Ohhh , thank you Bear.
Yes, I have the L- tyrosine...yes I got it a couple of days ago and have
been trying to remember to take it.........God it's funny how hard it is to remember to " take things" when they don't actually get me "high" lol

I appreciate you and watch you to "cut my path", just ahead of me at .......is it 40 days now!!!!  HOT DOG!!!  ......well vegan hot dogs, I'm a vegetarian. lol
and although I may sound "wobbly" I will stiffin right up if you need me....in a flash..  dear Bear.  :o}
hugs and hope
xo
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
Hey sweet peeps,

I have been on A/D off and on for 39 yrs. And I have been medicating myself for 39yrs.  weed, ampethamines, booze, benzos, opiates, always
something for all this time (minus pregnancy, but that's not true really,
as I smoked weed with one and minuscule dose of benzo with the other 2)
f**k!, just realizing that now!

Anyway....a few days ago I was reading about ADHD all it's symptoms....I have every single symptom and I have had then since childhood.  I read that it's unlikely you have ADHD as an adult if you didn't as a child..... usually.

I'm really really thinking that I've been misdiagnosed all my life as a
"rapid cycling bi polar with free floating high anxiety and panic disorder",
I think I was ADHD as a child.  I have been trying to medicate myself
all my life.......even trying to find an A/D has been h*ll....H*LL!  I've been
on them all up until I found Welbutrin.....I refused to try anymore because
of the adverse side effects.  Welbutrin was great in the sense that I had
no bad side effects and a couple of good ones. But I don't think it's helping me in every way that I need it, as I have been on it since 2000 I think and I'm still nuts and have been very nuts since then. :o}

Soooo I'm thinking that I should hang in there until maybe 90 days clean and see what's what and talk to my new doctor about my theory.  
All things considered, I have to keep reminding myself that I really haven't given my brain a chance to collect it's "properties" and  "dazzle me with some new material" ......like ....EVER.

To ALL of you again..Thank you soo much.  It is only because of all of you
sugar sweet souls that I have got this far.  I truly mean that.  I really haven't got any support here at home.  It's a struggle that in the past I would always lose to and fall back on trying to numb my hurt and pain --- emotional pain has always been the hardest and the worse thing for me to overcome, and my "so called" loved one has never been able to give me support through this hell or any hell or any f**king conquest for that matter....... I digress. ...breathe. (humor....insert laughter here)  :o}

Anyway ....I may be quiet for extended bouts of time but I'm always watching all of your successes and cheering you on even if you can't hear me and forever greatful for your posts not only to me but to all.....such a great and worthy place..  MH f**king Rocks!!!
Love you.
Peace, hope and strength!!! .....make it a double ....ON ME!!
Helpful - 0
967045 tn?1378399673
Great!! Another day to look forward to.

Day 96 - the mind movies stop!!

YIPPY!!
Helpful - 0
5685035 tn?1423932969
Mine took 96days to be exact today i feel amazing and I know you will love!! Give it time
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Congratulations on your days. I just put some info in my Journal that I found so interesting to the tee. It regard that circle we go through when we lose a loved one. Well we go through this when we give up are drug of choice. It talks about Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression & Acceptance. Feel free to check it out in my Journal.
I also know that Wellburtin is a norepinephrin and dopamine reuptake inhibitor.
You could add a AD that hits the Serintoin too. These are a few of the Transmitter that get unbalanced when we use substances.
Yes in my first 40 days I cried and I would yell at people and run out side and cry more.I was all over the place with my emotions. Then it kind of mellowed out but it still came and went as we now feel the real us. We now have a real brain and not a drug brain..You are doing great and this should pass, but you might need a little push or help right now.
Bless
Helpful - 0
6063300 tn?1430430571
Spider my friend I am so sorry you are going threw this! I really have not had this problem (hopefully I don't) are you taking the L-Tyrosine? This has helped my a lot! it helps with energy and mood swings for me. I am also on anti-depressants have been for many years. This is pure H#LL we are going threw and our bodies and mind do not want to do it!
I am here for you always!
xoxo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello my friend. I know you know being off of opiates is going to take some getting used to. Life without them has it's own dose of depression, but know that dose of depression is only temporary. That being said, you're always doing the right thing on here. Instead of trying to deal with this on your own, you're on here and you're enlisting the support of others. This is good!

Relate? (you asked for it!): in my case, I have clinical depression also. I went to 12-step meetings for years and years and always had the luxury of being able to share about my day with others, some with depression also. It was hard for me to do at first because I was always a loner. ...always shied away from the "social butterfly types" which is a typical sign of a the perfect storm of addiction, and youll find peeps from all walks of life at meetings. (I also think some peeps w/o depression don't have a clue about peeps with depression, like we're anti social or something?) But I found great understanding at the meetings, and most importantly I felt understood. I learned to understand others.  Then I stopped going to the meetings when I went back out, and immediately noticed the difference. My own thinking was back into my own thinking exclusively again and the depression became much worse. I'm personally the worst company I can keep! Now I'm back on track again and feel much better. But when I went through WDS the double depression was hell, and this site helped me quite a bit, along with my meetings. No amount of health insurance here in the states could possibly get an addict what meetings and sites like this can get for free. It's amazing.

Relating me to you Spyder: you're posting! You know better than to be alone with this. You're doing better than I did... for sure.

Keep posting and keep your clean days going my friend. Keep your Dr. appointments also, and you'll continue to have a good program of recovery going. Take life one day at a time. Get to bed tonight opiate free.
Helpful - 0
4626633 tn?1382597122
Oh goodness, you sound like me. All my life I have been on AD's. I do great. Then I think I don't need them and stop. A few weeks later or maybe a couple months, huge emotional crash. Everytime! You think I'd learn.
Wellbutrin was my AD that worked best too, ( for three years before it stopped) and I have been on them all.

However, for me, after quitting opiates, the AD quit working.  I quit it about 3 months ( not sure) after stopping opiates. Now  four months or so past stopping AD and I'm debating but prob going to have to go back on one. If we can find one that works.

You, having been on ADs so long, might need to talk to your Dr and try a new one, or an add on to the Wellbutrin.
Many here do without the ADs, all natural healing.
It's great in theory, but if you have struggled with depression prior to drugs, quitting isn't usually going to make it go away. Situational depression yes. But not depression from a life long chemical imbalance in the brain.

You're still kinda early. At day 36 some of the depression can be from quitting. Just keep your options open, that if you're still feeling this way at day 60, 90, you may need to re evaluate your meds with your Dr.

Wish I had a magic wand! Or magic words. I can only offer my support.
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
thanks gals,
Moly, I am on max dose of a/d too.......WelbutrinXR and like you have been on this for about 13yrs.....long time but believe me I've tried to just get off these because I feel "fine" and think I don't need them....ALWAYS a bad idea!  They absolutely help me be me.  Oh and I never really noticed any
withdrawl symptoms with these as I've always just stopped c/t in the past.

Anyway,......thanks guys so much again, you're both really kickin *ss!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good morning!! I know exactly what you mean! Day 56 for me and I still have days where the movie just won't stop! Every day gets a little better tho... I hate reliving the past but I think its part of the process..... You are doing great btw!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I spend a lot of time in my head to... depression and anxiety being part of everyday life -

When I jumped of from both opiates in 2009 and from Tramadol here in 2013 I was back to normal normal around the 50 day mark...

Remember though that I am on Efexor XR and have been for many years...
Helpful - 0
5986700 tn?1380791380
Oh, I forgot to say this is day 36 for me and I just want to be able
to come on here and "virtualy" jump for joy like me peers.
le sigh.
Helpful - 0
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