my girlfriend was my drug.

[chrisjavier]

i feel like over the 3 year span that i was seeing my ex girlfriend, i developed a very addictve personality.
she was not a very good person to me, as the relationship was emotionally abusive towards me.
but i took all the pain..to hopefully find happiness within our relationship.

i dont know if this sounds stupid, but whenever i was with her, i achieved some sort of high.
some sort of enlightened feeling that i fiend for so badly, call it love or lust..but i was very addicted.

she left me for some other dude, which completely ruined me.
i feel into a deep depression, and tried to mask it with drugs to hopefully achieve the same high.

i started smoking pot alot to get out of this depression..got addicted.
i started to feel better as the days passed, without her in my life.
so..i stopped smoking.

but now, she wants to start talking again as friends.

that alone just kills me, it's like having a blunt to your face, or whatever drug in ur face..and u just can't have it.
it's just a tease, and it's killing me inside.

so.
i went off on a rage where i just tried new drugs like coke and smoking ridiculous amounts of pot, just to numb myself.
i hate where i'm going with my life right now because i've become an absolute monster.
i isolate myself from eveyone because i'd rather be alone.

i don't really talk to anyone..so..
anyone that could help, please do.

[changeset]

Am currently experiencing what you are feeling...,it is kind of painful addiction..what is more ..,this girl knows am addicted to her.

[scaredstifless]

one word, difficult as it may be to accept, TIME dude....TIME and in the meantime look after yourself, the more you mess yourself up, the longer it will take

[072410]

I have absolutely been there before and let me tell u it was bad bc i kept letting him back into my life. One day we were supposed to go out so i went to his house and before we went out he threw me against the wall and told me i was his and ill never get away. I was scared gor my life if i left so i kept it to myzelf and my family realized i wasnt right and forvid me to see him after about a cpl mo.ths went by he came to me and swore he would never do anything to hurt me again but i knew better i could see it in his eyes so i told him no and to leave thank god i lived with my parents bc idk what would have happened if i didnt. The point of the story is they dont change even tho they say they do. It will only hurt u more ... u should stay far far away and. Id suggest some type of treatment so u can beat this once and for all!!! Good luck and stay strong! Keep posting...

[murrawa]

Your advice is correct and so true.  Happiness is loving your self.  I was told when I was younger to love your self or you will never be able to love anyone else.  It is true, even though I did not know what it meant then.

You have so much love inside you, but you want to give it all to someone else, and then cause your heart is out on a limb, they dont take the love, or they abuse the love, and bam, your a goner, cause you been rejected.

You see you got to give your self the love YOU have in you, for you.  People will be attracted to that love you got going on for your self, go on be selfish, do it, LOVE YOUR SELF.

Mate I am an independent women, big family, big career, did it all my self, but when I get with a guy and fall for him, I become unhappy and depend on the chemical hit all the time that I get with him.  Passion, what ever, it is not sensible, I dont even recognize my own boundaries, and stay when he is treating me bad, then, when I chase they run for the hills.

I am not a bad person, I just give away all my love and become vulnerable.  I love making love to the one person, that gets in the way.

Any way I have learnt that never give your self to ANYONE, even when your married, but at least dont give alot until there is commitment, cause it sounds like you are committed but the other party is not!  Also cause I am going through a three year break up with the twins father, well, I am devastated, how could he want this, but hey,, It is not the end of the world, even though it bloody feels like it.  My partner was an *******, even though he can be a beautiful soul, most of the time he was a ******* to me, now he is pushing me around.  

I am leaving sorting out my things, and saving a bit, and it will be it FOREVER.  I may go ooooo there is no one else like him, I love him, yeah, that s true, but now it is good time to put my self first, and ask my self, do I want to be unhappy for the rest of my life like this?  Or am I going to be brave, say no more to the one I love so much, give my love back to me, and keep it this time hey!

Any way I have raved, but I hope you know you are not alone.

***@****

[j34]

Yes for sure we cant hold things in us or they eat us alive, this I know from experience, good job on not smoking , here is a suggestion get rid of your stuff... that is what i did and am a happy , productive person today(after lots of help) all the best j34

[NoraTorious]

I agree with Arsia, find a good therapist, and either flush the pot or give it to someone who can keep it away from you. And put the thoughts of your girlfriend with the pt when you do away with it. When it boils down to it, the best person you have is yourself. You are more important than any kind of drugs or girl.

I know this is not easy, but please, survive. You will be glad you did when you meet the a girl that treats you the way you derseve to be treated: like the valuable person you are.

[Arsia]

I would suggest seeing a therapist. They can actually help a lot.
I know it really doesn't seem like it, but after a certain amount of time, you'll start to feel normal again. And normal as in not what the drugs make you feel. Right now, I'm fiending too. Normal doesn't feel normal, doesn't feel right. But it gets easier. Each day without your ex and your drugs, you're getting closer to getting better.
I know it's a lot. Trust me, I know. But think about all the pain you felt before, all the pain you're feeling now. That'll go away. It's so hard, but just keep going.

[chrisjavier]

thank you guys once again for your contribution, and i really really really am thankful for your guys input.

its been like 3 days since i havent smoked, i was really close to it..i picked up my bag, opened it casually and started getting ready to get high and forget my problems....
like ive been really fiending to smoke.

i feel like these problems haven't gotten any better, and i try to hold all my emotions within me.
but now i feel like there's too many emotions just building up, from suicidal thoughts, hating my ex, and an addiction thats been eating at me..
these demons seem as if they're too much to handle, should i be going to therapy or something..?
life just doesn't seem worth it at this point, with no direction in life or purpose.
studying in school with no motivation, just doesn't seem worth it.

[NoraTorious]

People get what they deserve in the form in which they deserve it.

That being said, I have had 2 very toxic relationships in my life. My boyfriend of (give or take) 10 years, and Tramadol.

I have been off him for coming up on 7 years, and off the Tramadol for almost 20 days. Even though 3 years after I cut him off (BTW he was now MARRIED and still chasing me-a very toxic man with his own nasty addictions and demons) I married the most wonderful man ever. Truly the nicest guy ever. So I got what I deserved, a good healthly relationship. I was stupid to let the Tramadol take over my (and my husband's) life, but I am facing that now.

Wishing someone ill -nothing good comes of it. Carrying that anger and resentment, it is just another thing to pin you down, when you should be taking care of the most important person ever-yourself. Retribution happens. Maybe not the way you think t ought to, but, I guess I just think it is not good to enable Karma, as it will happen in good time. And the good things you do, for yourself, for others, will come back.

We live in a world of instant gratification. We can contact someone right quick with an email, text or phone call from our cell phones, make a meal in 10 minutes, (or drive thru in less) and we forget, the quality things in our lives take time.

I am not trying to be preachy, or a know it all. This is me, just my opinion, what I have been through.

I wish all of you the best of luck, and happiness of some sort.

[Arsia]

I'm cutting myself away from my boy and getting off of hydrocodone at the same time. I feel so inexpressibly horrible. So I at least kind of feel your pain.

[xizzor]

aah man the human mind, it can make us crazy.
you're obviously stuck in the eye of the storm right now

you're trying to get out of it but no matter which direction u go to you're just too stuck.

the reason u feel so powerless, is because you're trying to make urself feel better while you're still busy making yourself feel bad...
it's like you're steering to left and right at the same time; u can't get the car under control like that.





the first step is not to make urself feel better, but to stop make urself feel bad.
do nothing but look at what ur already busy doing:

the train of thoughts telling yourself,
u need to be with someone to be happy,
that being alone is boring, unfulfilling, failure, etc.

ok, see that you are doing all of the above,
and now let go of doing that.

u don't have to think new positive thoughts to try to surpress the negative thoughts it don't work.
let go of the negative ones, & the tension all over ur body...

ur painful emotions and thoughts are inseperable from the tension all over the body.
if u let go of the tension in the body, so also the mental problem will be released.
it is far easier to let go of the tension in the body, than trying to fix the unhappiness on the mental level.


so letting go of the tension,
u can only do this by giving attention to the body...
feel how it's all tensed... ur stomach, ur heart area, ur throat, ur head...
and let go...

if u don't give attention to ur body, and sort of "step inside it"...
then the tension will continue to be there.

because there is tension in the body we somehow have the urge to "step outside it", this intuitively feels the right thing to do.
but the only way, really, is to step inside it and only then can you let go of the tension.

[chrisjavier]

exactly, im holding a grudge.
and the things i would do, i wish her so much pain.
like i woudl take my own life away just for her, and it pisses me off that now i just want her to hurt.
these are the first few days for me to be without her , as well as any drugs in my system...
SO. im like on really shaky grounds.
and i know exactly how you feel, either way i still feel hopeless with or without her

[Arsia]

This is on my phone so it'll be short, but I'm here. It will not be easy to get over her, it'll hurt and take time. The same with any drug. But you'll destroy yourself if you don't. My turning point was realizing he doesn't feel the same about me. I'm not literally his air like he's mine. This is my first weekend in awhile without him and it's REALLY hard. I keep crying. But it has to be done. I keep wishing him pain because I'm hurting and it's awful but I'll never be happy if I don't.

[j34]

no your not complaining just stick around and lean on ppl for support ,see you are already working in the solution! what a great job,you have taken two huge steps.I believe complaining is when you vent and then dont do anything to change your situation.Keep talking it out okay ..it is okay to feel. I went down so far that i didnt even know how to feel,they are a gift ,if you didnt know that bad times how are you going to know the good times?.Keep the good times that will be coming close to your heart and keep gratitude number one and i promise you will always feel blessed instead of a victim

[chrisjavier]

well i already blocked her number, facebook , and aim.
so im gonna try to just not talk to her from now on.

and.. idk i think it might be the pot thats really just messing with my head now.
like todays the very first that i havent smoked and completely stayed sober.
but i honestly feel so much more emotionally unstable,
and the suicidal thoughts are starting to come.
im really trying to slow down in smoking..cause my life's been a huge blur as of late.
and i can't really determine what my emotions are.
and it really *****.
mmm i honestly just feel like im complaining to you guys.

[jeffclowns]

just get another girl that will take your mind off her any ways Ive been through this don't let this chick ruin your life your young there plenty of tail for you to chase out there so get to it buddy....jeff..and p.s don't be like i can't live without her it sounds straight lame dude for real no chick is worth all of that especially when you say she with another dude. man forget that girl homie she sound's like a.......  for real MAN UP ..AND FORGET HER....

[j34]

You ask what to do you are doing it reaching out to ppl who are clean. Now you have to reach out to ppl in your area, I found I couldnt graft a new idea on a closed mind, our words become our thoughts and our thoughts become our behaviour now if you keep telling yourself that you cannt live without her you are going to believe that. Start changing your words tell yourself " i can do this' i am worthy,ppl love me, i can and will make a GREAT LIFE for myself......

[dani170]

Have you talked to family about this? Maybe a friend or 2? Hearing it from others what a jerk I was with made me feel soooooooooooooo stupid to go back to him. We've all been where you are at one point and in order to learn our lessons in life, we have to live it first. You're 18 and still young and garantee you'll look back at this point in your life and wonder "what was I thinking?"

[chrisjavier]

i have hit rock bottom, and honestly this is the worst i've ever hit it.
i can honestly say that i have never smoked this much in my life.
my emotions are completely messed up from all of this smoking....
im far more unstable, and can't handle this like i usually would.
im far more depressed and down.
it's such a bad feeling, addiction and depression?
like they just continuously feed off of each other..
both her and the pot are killing me.

[dani170]

When it comes to addiction, we sometimes try to escape and it takes a few tries before we succeed...maybe this is you...maybe you just haven't hit rock bottom yet, although I would have considering what you've said about her...

[chrisjavier]

but what do i do? if i am hopeless without her..
im always falling apart without her, and i don't find any other reason to live without her out of my life..

[j34]

Resentment is like taking posion and hoping somebody else will get sick , it doesnt work for us who have addiction problems..with everybodys support here work in the solution, I remember my first love like that one.. it was sick and I wish at that age i would of gotten some postive info like you have been recieving,Instead I went on for another 20 yrs in addicton and VERY screwed up relationships. That sick first relationshiip I ended up stabbing him and am very lucky I didnt go to jail.Playing with fire will only get yourself burnt my friend

[chrisjavier]

thank you guys for all your input..
it really does mean alot, but arsia is right..
regardless if im with her or not, im hurting..
and truthfully, i'd rather be hurting with her by myside than without her.
i love her so much..i would die for her, i really would..
i mean yeah, im young and stupid. at the age of 18 with limitless potential..
but i feel like shes holding me back, but i can't let go.
im such a bitter person that holds grudges, and yet i can't get away from her in my mind without drugs.
i feel like im destroying myself with her presence in my life and as well as the drugs.
i have never felt so depressed in my life, and the days go by so slowly without a blunt in my hand.
i hate this feeling. i just want to be happy, but it never seems to come by..
once again guys thanks for your time,

.. it really means alot to me

[j34]

Yes it is hard to be hurt ,  I have found I had to look at my own issues and not blame others for what I had let them do to me. I got counselling and found out I had alot of insecurities,fear of abondondment ,no copeing skills...umm that was harsh so I worked on my self and now am in a great relationship , the only person who was truly hurting me,was me! Great big hugs to you , nothing wrong with you.A few new learning skills and you will rise up like the phoneix, trust me help yourself and you will be rewarded !! You  can do it!