my story

Question

I started doing percocets and vicodin for recreational use about a year and a half ago (2/07). Mainly because I don't enjoy drinking that much and I get massive hangovers(weak excuse, I know). Once a week turned into twice a week. Twice a week turned into every other day. Every other day turned into daily and then twice daily before I even knew it. Then around (5/07) I was turned onto 30mg roxicondone "blues" as well as OC's(40/80) by my friends. First I would only pop them because I was scared of putting something up my nose. But my friends talked me into snorting them because it gives you a more immediate and intense high(this story probably sounds familiar to you all). Eventually, I started spending about $100 a week doing them which has kept me from saving up any money whatsoever since I was only working a part time job, while still being a full time student in college.
        I started going out with a girl around (2/07) the begginning stages of my addiction. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but drugs soon became more important than she was. We slowly drifted apart mainly because of my abuse and by September she dumped me. She never knew and still doesn't know that I was ever on drugs, even though 80% of the time I was with her I was high. It makes me sick to my stomach just to think about how much I blew it with her. She was beutiful and even more beutiful on the inside. : (
       Still losing the greatest thing to happend to me wasn't enough to quit. I've been on the same track now for the last eight months and I just can't take it anymore. I want a normal life to stay the least. I don't even remember what it's like to have a fun time while still being sober anymore. Even though I know I used to be happy before these drugs came into my life. My usual intake is about 30-50mg daily of whatever I can get my hands on. I have never let myself get any worse than that becasue I'm scared of getting passed a certain point. But still it's a major problem.
        Times when I can't get any opiates are a living hell. I get the sweats, runny nose, irritable, the shakes, insomnia, depresssion and aches in my bones and muscles. I've only vomited once from the withdrawl, thank god. There has been times when I couldn't get any pills and resorted to STEALING my mother's Percocet 10's that she receives from having three back surgeries. WHAT KIND OF SON AM I !? STEALING FROM MY MOTHER WHO IS IN PAIN AND NEEDS THEM! I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON. I JUST WANT TO CRY FROM ALL THE GUILT AND THE SHAME!
       I have tried more than once to get off the "stuff" by weening my self off. But the longest I've ever gone without doing them is about two days. By then I start getting antsy and that's when the cycle starts up again. I've slowly realized that I haven't had any sex drive in 8 months or so and my ability to focus is slowly deteriorating.
       Luckily, I have been able to keep a job and my problem is still a secret from just about everyone I know. But I know it won't be long before I hit rock bottom. So I'm trying to take some action before it gets to that point. I can't afford rehab and I'm afraid to go to the doctors because my insurance is under my parents plan since I'm still a student. So recently I got my friend to pick me up some suboxone and some valium to try and get passed the withdrawl part. It's been 48 hours since I have done anything and I'm feeling great physically. I know I have a long ways to go before I'm myself again. But I finally have some confidence building. 
       I'm also worried about some of my friends that are continuing to do pills. They don't seem like they want to even want to stop even though I have tried talking to them. Rock bottom might be their only way out. They are much worse off than me. My one friend snorts about 100mgs of roxy's or OC's daily. The girl couldn't weigh more than 120lbs. I'm scared for her to say the least.

Any suggestions from anyone? Any help would be much appreciated. I've read a lot of stories on here and I feel more confident from seeing that there's people out there just like me who have been able to overcome this problem. 

          Thanks.
                       -sickofthecycle

MizDemeanor · Answer

Hi and welcome! You came to the right place. Dont feel bad about your story, believe me, there are people much more experienced in life (such as myself) who have done all that and even worse. Im glad you had the "sense" to come find help! As many people have said, major drug abuse typically leads to jail, or death, at some point. I have a son not much younger than you (Im guessing since you said you are in college) and so I know all the tempations, etc, that are out there and how easy it is to indulge. Please dont ruin your life. Its SO NOT WORTH IT!! If you keep using it will definately go downhill from here. That is one of the certainties. I might sound like a cranky old lady but ROFL, grasshopper I speak from the age old advisor....EXPERIENCE!
Hang here and there are many who will help you. I will help too so give me a shout or or better yet read my journal. Talking about awful...jeez.
Good luck fighting the good fight!
Peace~
Miz

changingbestfriends · Answer

Good luck.  You can do this.  Keep reading the posts.  It is what got me through the first few days of confusion, etc.  Wonderful support on here.  Take care!

sickofthecycle · Answer

Thanks guys. I only have enough suboxone for 5 days because I know you can get addicted to that as well. That stuff is amazing though. I wouldn't have been able to come this far with out it. I have been clean for three days. Something I havent been able to say since last July. So far so good.

              -sickofthecycle

Decisions · Answer

I am with Korley. We quit at the same time, and I am right there , starting to get a normal rhythm again. I can tell I will probably have some lingering effects, but I am not giving up. I hope you can beat this. You are too young to let life pass you by, in a daze.

Korley · Answer

I am so happy that you found this forum! Everytime that you want to take another pill, just go back and read your post and remember how bad you are feeling. I would also really recommend going to a N.A meeting. Today is day 26 clean for me and I am just starting to feel some gratitude coming back, so please just give it some time and hang it there. There are some wonderful people on this forum,  so keep posting!

cathy5841 · Answer

welcome to the forum.  it is great you decided to get off the pills before you hit rock bottom...most dont.  i too snortedt he oc's and went cold turkey off them...no sub...just dang withdrawals.  you can do this...how long ar you gonna use the sub?  remember it can be addicting too.  keep posted, if i can help ya let me know.

joann1975 · Answer

Hi there....welcome to the forum....the above 2 posts said everything I would say I just wanted to welcome you as well. Also, I have just recently found that NA (narcotics anon) has a website...I googled it....and you read alot of their literature on their website or print it or buy the books. You may even consider the meetings. I would go to the meetings but it's not possible right now b/c I have a toddler. But right now I am reading everything I can get my hands on.....also just post, post, post....it will help you alot too! 

Good luck...you can do this!

JoAnn

wannabefree330 · Answer

Like sara said, you have come to the right place my friend.  This disease leads down one road...destruction and death.  You are wise to get out before hitting bottom.  I am on my 2nd relapse in 4 1/2 years.  Where one 5mg pill would last me days when i first started taking them, today I pop 10 norco (10mg lortab) every 3 hours all day long to reach the same effect.  I have stolen from family, friends and even strangers.  fact is we will go to any length tyo get our fix.  If you van put even 50% of the effort into getting and staying clean, you will be successful.  remember, this is a lifelong disease so continual treatment is a must.  Even if it's getting on this site and talking to another addict every day, you are doing what you need to do to stay sober.  Your friends will eventually see a change in you and your positive influence will hopefully change their lives too.  Be careful, don't put yourself in situations where you may be faced with using.  Changing your whole way of life may have to happen.

When you stop the sub, you will have some w/d.  be prepared by reading here and look up the thomas recipe.  If you can just hang in there for a week you will get through the acute w/d.  Then you will be faced with the emotional and psychological aspect of this devil.  Talk about your feelings and take suggestions from people here.  What worked for others will work for you.  You are in my thoughts my friend, good luck.

sickofthecycle · Answer

Thanks. Yeah I also purchased multi vitamins not too long ago and just started using them. I plan on getting amino acids as well to help the process. As for my firends luckily I have more than one group of friends. So hanging out more with the one who stay away from drugs is definitly in my near future. I know I can do this. I will keep you guys posted on my recovery. : )


                -sickofthecycle

dominosarah · Answer

Welcome to the forum.  You have come to the right place.  You will find alot of help and support here.  You can get off these pills and get yourself back to where you want to be.  It is not a picnic but it sure beats using.  The w/d's are not fun and can last for a week or two.  Feels like you have the flu.  Get yourself some vitamins.  The thomas recipe is listed on the bottom right of this page as are the aminos.  These work!!!!  Im afraid if you dont stop you will pass that certain point.  Those pills are sneaky and destructive.  You can do this.  You have already posted on here so you know that you want to stop and that is a good sign.  As for your friends...........until they are ready to stop using they will keep right on.  You have to take care of you.  Try and stay away from those situations where people are using.  Most of us have had to change who we hang out with.  You are a good person.  Tell yourself that.  Keep posting and read read read.  Good luck and stay here.  There will be more people on in the morning.      sara