need support

[aloneandempty185]

Hey everyone,
Seems like every time i disappear from the site i come a little closer to a relapse. Perhaps i have killed a few too many brain cells throughout my drugged years. Anyway, I am back and begging for a kick in the a$$. I came so close to a relapse today that it scared me into an all out panic attack. I decided (or atleast thought i decided) that i didn't care anymore and that i was going get an eight ball. I got it, cut myself a huge line, rolled a bill and a half second before i was gonna do it, it hit me how horrible things would be. I know it sounds insane to get that close and walk away. Maybe it was a miracle, maybe i went momentarily insane, i dont know what it was but i stopped. Put it all away and tossed it out. Anyway, this is not the first close call i have had but the close calls are getting more and more intense. I know full well that i am on the brink of a relapse. I have been told to find my triggers but I cant seem to pinpoint what triggered this today. I woke up and knew today was gonna be the day and i didn't care. In fact it was my motivation to get out of bed this morning. I know it sounds pathetic, but i am posting because i dont want to relapse, i dont want my life to go back to the way it was, but that wasn't enough to stop me from copping today. I am worried what tomorrow will bring. Each day is getting a little harder. I was expecting to have this wonderful desire for life when i got some clean time under my belt, but its not happening yet.

[sadinmichigan]

Congrats on doing a very difficult thing. You will be better for it in the end and you know it..good for you.I would just like to ad..drugs DON"T lie..they are there loud and proud about what they are and what they have to offer..or not..WE are the ones that lie and seek them...we never need give the drug all the power..We after all are the only ones who can stop it and that takes alot. You proved that to yourself when you stopped yourself from using..You ARE in control of what you do..all of usare. And when we choose to use..that is what it is...we CHOSE it..I don't believe for one second that we are powerless against it. Again congrats!!

[EmilyPost]

One other thing, I just noticed this. Your screenname is aloneandempty. Do you feel alone and empty? Because The big trick, the most evil part of drug use is that voice that tells you lies like; "You are alone and empty."  That's NOT the voice or part of the authentic YOU, that was expressed by walking away and then coming here for support and love. Truth is; you are never alone, and you are most certainly not empty. The drugs tell you lies my friend.

It's funny how they NEVER come up with any new lines. Same stupid lines over and over again. Always wrong always with an evil intent.

OK ... :) Don't listen to Drugs; They Lie!!!

[EmilyPost]

If something triggered you; and you don't know what that thing was, I suspect it was something that happened in the last 48 hours before you woke up and thought; "Today is gonna be the day."  

You had been triggered. Clearly.

Is it truly by not getting enough aftercare? Did something happen? Did you feel an emotion you didn't want to feel? Did someone put you down in some way? I'm throwing stuff out there, because I believe you were triggered and in a split second your solution was to use. It was premeditated. And yes, A MIRACLE, that you walked away. Do you understand in a deep way how amazing that was? Something inside of you wants recovery SO MUCH, that you can go thru the motions; and then WALK AWAY.  Tap into that part of you. Who is that? What is that?

It gives me goosebumps!  You were right there, and you walked away. How did it feel as you walked away? I don't know you, (but we all know each other) but I am so proud of you for walking away. Freakin' amazing. Good job!

You didn't make it to a relapse, but I bet you got scared kinda straight? Let me tell you, the story got my full attention.

Love and healing,
Emily

[bandnmom]

the biggest thing is that you stopped yourself and instead of beating yourself up over almost doing it you should be patting yourself on the back that u came that close and didnt do it! that is great. you just need to keep reminding yourself how it was when you were using and all those reasons you decided to better your life and stopped!! you know you never want to go back to that way of life. yes now you are struggling but it all worth it. you are clean and on the way to such a better and happier not to mention a safer life! dont worry about tomorrow until tomorrow comes. go day by day and you will do just fine!
hugs to you,
jen

[cathy5841]

i have to agree with worried.  you turned a great big negative into a positive.  just dont give me anymore heart attacks please.  like i told you you worry me girl.  you are doing great dont give in now...you have come too far to look back!!!! press on to the finish line,

[worried878]

I think u r feeling bad about something that is actually pretty dern special....buying it was a big boo boo...but being able to walk away when it was so close is not...wasted some time and money..u would have felt awful had u done it...we live and we learn...i think it was a kinda positive thing...negative and positive mixed...one day at a time and dont worry bout tomoorow...but u made it thru today..tomorrow is another day and save the energy to worry bout tomorrow...tomorrow

[gizzy32]

i am glad u recognized this, but like i said coke comes up and bites you in the *** over and over. i have noticed u not around and getting no support lately. im glad to see you post and happy to hear about you going to an N/A meeting. You must continue to work at this my friend. u can't go on like this cause sooner or later u will break. you know im always here for you, but you can't hide and you need to make a few changes in order to stay clean. you have come so far and im proud of you, but i can tell how much you fear this drug now and that is a good thing. u got through this, but way to close of a call today. goodnight, talk to ya tomorrow and stay safe, u don't want to go back there.

p.s. it takes time to heal, be patient, don't use that as an excuse to use

[GoingToMakeIt]

One of your answers may be in the first sentence. Stick around the site a bit more. We all need aftercare of some kind. You did good today by not caving in to desire. The more you do that the stronger you become. Good job!

[wantlifeback]

This is the first time I am reading your story but you are smarter than you give yourself credit for.  
You knew to throw it away and come and post here for support.  You are not alone in your stuggle and the fact you can stop yourself deserves a huge pat on the back.  Everyone goes through the feelings of not caring anymore but the fact you have enough willpower to stop and come here for support shows you are a strong person.  I had a problem with cocaine years ago and I had one night when I did to much and I was really scared my heart would stop.  It was the biggest wake up call and I promised myself if I made it through the night I would not put myself in that kind of danger again.  You have to realize you are worth it and you want to stop so dig deep and I hope you find that something that will help you.

Keep up the good work!