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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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1253584 tn?1332877954

needs support from my freinds on here...

ive already wrote this out and deleted this 4 different times...its hard for me to post this but, im swallowing my pride here and taking the advice of a freind (ibkleen thanks) and posting...i used pills yesterday. i let the addict n me rear its ugly head and i gave in and made a call and bought some pills...its like i couldnt think clear at all. i know what i shouldve done b4 i used. such as..post here, call a freind, talk to my couselor, or attended a meeting....i know what i did was wrong and i made a mistake but right now i could use all the support i can get right now to get me thru this...im already feeling ashamed. this has been so hard for me to post this...when i look back ive seen this coming from a mile away..i lost interest in things i was once loved,..ie..my running, simple things like watching my fav tv shows, making desicions on impulse, pushing my support away, not posting on the forum here...i shouldve posted awhile ago but i didnt. however i am posting now and just really need some support.......<3 Angie
77 Responses
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
We saw it coming a mile away too.  Now what are you going to do differently this time?
271792 tn?1334979657
Good for you Ang. I know I said it already but I will tell you again--you are a good person with a bad disease.

It's funny how we are on the internet and may never meet each other in person but we do get to know each other and get a feel for the person. I saw you slipping away too and when I didn't hear you screaming GO STEELERS this week, I thought something was wrong. I do believe we relapse mentally, emotionally and spiritually before we actually pick up a drug. that is usually the last step. So if you can see what was happening at the time, talk it over with your counselor, talk it over at meetings. Get the tools to guard yourself against that again.

Have you stopped using and is today day 1?
617347 tn?1331293081
i haven't been much around here lately ( my back told me to stop sitting in front of the comp for a while ) i don't know if something has happened in your life, Angie but please, don't feel ashamed... today you are clean, right ? ( hey, hope so!! )
Avatar universal
The best thing you could have done is admitting this relapse, our secrets keep us sick! I hope you pick yourself back up and move forward again. Relapse happens before we pick up and I have been there knowing relapse was coming many times. Addiction is a baffling, cunning disease and it su cks, but we do have the choice to not use and get help. Please keep talking and working at this, you have come so far and drugs are not the answer. We are here for you ok.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!
1253584 tn?1332877954
sarah...i know what i need to do....i need to attend meetings more then once n awhlie, i really need to indulge myself into them and really get involved..having my counselor and this site just isnt enough more..i need every type of aftercare if i m gonna make it thru this..

bonnie...thanks for ur support and encouragment...i also really believe we do relapse mentally b4 we pick up the drugs...my thinking changed and all i could think about was the pills....btw..i used my last pill this morning...so today wont b day 1..
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Have you drank at all?  
1253584 tn?1332877954
thank u gizzy...secrets do keep us sick..im happy i posted now...thank u for ur suppport.

sarah...since u asked i guess ill come forth and be honest about that....for the past couple of weeks i have been going out to the bars and drinking. i know that the alcohol brought me back to the pills..i know i need to stay away from it, its just hard to stay away from the alcohol. its everwhere!!! it has brought me down yet again. i dont know y everytime i think i can just leave it at the drinking and the going out to the bars/clubs..it never works out that way for me...

Avatar universal
Angie we all relapse,you were brave enough to admit you used. Now you need to get back to the fight. You can do this Angie you helped me not to use,and i thank you for that. Its not easy we all wish it was, but i know you are strong and you can win this fight we all share. Dont beat yourself up get back on the horse girl and start again. Wishing you the best of luck my friend. We all beleive in you. You are stronger than you think Good luck again Angie ,,,James
Avatar universal
Ang I want to share something with you. When I first came to this site almost 3 years ago and had just got clean from coke and felt so proud, I would still go to bars sometimes and get smashed, but still felt proud that I didn't use blow. I was so so so wrong bout that. Alcohol IS a drug and has caused me many relapses. People kept telling me I shouldn't drink and I was stubborn bout that at first, in fact, they were pissing me off what the members said, but they were all right.

Drinking will take u down even faster, so please do some soul searching and give up the booze. Just cause you stopped pills does not mean your clean if your drinking and I don't mean that rude. Just trying to share the advice that was given to me and helped me. Many of us here had to make a lifestlye change, I know I did and hanging out in a bar would destroy me now. I can't stay clean hanging out with those that use and partying, not a chance. I am still proud of you and think this time your gonna make it:) Now fuc king be good before I have to start giving you an a ss kicking lol.

We learn as we go, stay strong ang
1253584 tn?1332877954
wow..me and u have alot in common..i to am stubborn and refused to listen to the advice i was given about the alcohol. i thought im not using pills so im good....i acutally thought it was a easy way to escape..alcohol caused me to relapse last time and now its has caused me to relapse again.it brings me down hard everytime.....thanks gizzy.. the a$$ kicking wont be necassary..lol  thank u for sharing..
617347 tn?1331293081
so you knew you were heading to relapse by drinking alcohol... it seems you have to give up going out to bars, angie... at least, for some months.
1253584 tn?1332877954
i guess some part of me knew it would lead me back to the pills...i thought i could quit whle i was ahead..that didnt work out to well for me....i know i have to give up the alcohol and i will.. i want my sobriety more then anything...i cant keep pressing my luck..thats exactly  what im doing....the alcohol has caused me more problems and i can do without it..
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I remember talking to the both of you about the evils of drinking and i wasnt kidding or trying to scare you.  I didnt want you to go down the same path i did due to my stubborness.  Your thinking caused you the relapse, the alcohol just got you there quicker.   It also brings death on quicker.  I always think about my friend on the alcohol forum....he relapsed, started drinking along with pills.  His mother found him at the bottom of the steps, dead.  He died the end of June.  We always think it wont happen to us but it does.........sara
Avatar universal
HI Angie....God I hate this desiese ....well now you know why im so admit about the booze
when your under the influence we make bad decisions but it also messes with our mind set
when where not....Angie you lost your wining mindset a wile ago this has been coming for a wile and it finely got here...let today's pill be your last one...they only bring a false happyness its time to get serious about your recovery b/4 this thing brings you down any farther...you know what you got to do...keep in mind where talking about survival here
I will support your recovery 100% and help you all I can ...but its up to you to make the right decisions and to embrace aftercare...I think meetings will help you it will be one vmore thing you can throw at this thing...as long as you dont quit trying you haven't failed now chin up
dust yourself off put this behind you and lets start tomorrow with day one of the rest of your life your friend Mark    
617347 tn?1331293081
in my case, it is not the alcohol but going out with people who drink and are having a "fun time" or going out to bars, etc.... i realised soon after detoxing that it was not good to me.... i might only drank  one drink or two as much in that night but watching other people drinking brought  the mind games and cravings afterwards... I have to be very careful with going out, it is ok if i go out for dinner and that's all,no bars after . In fact, i have to lead a very disciplined life along with working my addictive issues.
1436228 tn?1328053960
welcome back angie,
so glad you posted.  it took me two weeks to come back and this time is so different for me.  I am realy thinking and listening to others and that has made a difference I would of quit a long time ago on my own if I could I needed the help of others and needed to listen.

I hope this time will be better than the last time for u. from your posts it sounds like you will make it.

Avatar universal
I wrote a response to your journal entry. When I re-read it I thought it sounded harsh. I re-wrote it a few times and each time I thought it was to harsh so I just did'nt respond at all....I am sorry for that.

Basically I thought you might consider attending meeting regularly, force yourself to get out and run just a little, know that no one can do this for you, and learn to deal with life without a crutch.

At 27 years old I really wish someone had spoken to me harshly.
I mean no disrespect. I have read some of your earlier responses.
1374653 tn?1289239473
There is a thin line between being too hard on yourself and not hard enough....it is up to each of us to find our line and walk it towards recovery.  The fact that you relapsed really does not matter in the sense you can not go back and change it; however, you can allow it to be another brutual learning lesson and pick yourself up towards recovery.

You can not do anything about being clean yesterday and if you think about it, you really can not physically do anything about being clean tomorrow, the only thing you can do something about is being clean right now......and then let right now keeping turning into tomorrow on its own......something i am in the process of trying to learn and succeed at myself....I wish you the best and you have no reason to hold your head down as long as you are still in the fight.
Avatar universal
I also relapsed after I started drinking "socially" again. I was suprised when I started drinking again after 2 years off, that I wasn't off and running right away, really did drink "normally" for awhile, but I believe with every fiber of my being that the alcohol and how I was acting with it lead me to falsely believe that I could handle just a pill or 2. Looking back, I know I was going to take more than just a few pills, but the way I was handling the alcohol made me think I could handle everything just fine. It gave me a false sense of confidence, and I was also stubborn too. I couldn't admit to myself that I was an addict and needed to stay away from everythng. Nope, I was just addicted to pain meds, and dang...I deserved a drink every now and then, didn't I? Wasn't the fact that I couldn't take pain pills again enough... I am not giving up going out and having fun either! I now know better. To truly stay in sobriety and have a healthy thought process, I have to stay away from everything. It was a hard and painful lesson to learn as I am sure it is for you too! Please don't beat yourself up too much though...LOTS of us have relapsed, and will probably relapse again, if we don't continue to work our programs the way we should. I personaly know that when the pain of wds gets dim for me, I am in trouble! My bf, who has 4 years sober, tells me all the time "the farther away I am from my last drink, the closer I am to my next." He refuses to look at the long term, and says he is sober for today, and thankful for that. I have learned that from him, to just take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute to get through. I am glad you posted and got it out in the open so it doesn't eat away at you. We are behind you, you can do this! You have been so helpful to so many here, now be good to yourself.

Hey if you are blaming yourself too bad, just blame it on the Steelers, the last 2 weeks have had both my bf and I considering using again! LOL We are die hard Steeler fans and were so disappointed these last 2 weeks. I difinetly missed you here rooting for them, I always smile when I see you cheering them on!
1405544 tn?1331918701
Hey:) What other people have said about alcohol is so true. It is indeed a slow demise... I still struggle with the idea that I can drink normally someday too. The fact is I never drank normally to begin with so, wtf? lol....if it leads to your addiction taking control again (which it always inevitably does) it can not and will not ever be "normal."

I've been clean off the coke for over three months now, but had some family in town the beginning of October and they took us out to the bars every single night. I drank "normally" for the first few days (ie, didn't want coke, or at least told myself as much) but by the end of the week I was so drunk and so far gone from my recovery that I actually pondered finding another way of doing blow (not via the nose, because of the hole in my septum but another, really bad way - think Stevie Nicks ). Disgusting. Seriously. I didn't go through with it but I could have and I knew if I continued drinking I would have. Not trying to gross you out but, just goes to show you how desperate we ALL can get.

No addict is immune, and that mindset while in relapse mode is dangerous and ruthless.

Relapses happen, it's happened to me too. Can't say anything new about it that hasn't already been said. I am proud of you for stepping up and coming on here and talking about it. Being honest about it had to really be tough. I always felt like I let not only myself down, but others who were cheering for me. But you are here, and you're talking about it and that's a great start.

It's done, but you can learn from it and change the behaviours that got you here. Step out of yourself and let people know when you're hurting, when you feel yourself slipping from now on.

Glad you're back on here, I have read several of your posts and see how much you've helped people. Let the people on here help you too:)

xoxo
Liz
Avatar universal
Ang you are a very kind and helpful person well you were helpful to me and lots of others. Now its time to help yourself easier said than done. As you know i am a heroin addict clean for 7 months. I was vey close to caving today but wheni read that you my friend had used and how bad you felt about it, you saved me from using. But i do beleive that you can go on and be stronger from your relapse dont beat yourself up i caved lots of times andi would neve say i wont use again.We can only try harder than the time b4.Now i know you can get back to the clean and good life you were liviing.When time,s are getting to much for you POST we are here to help each other. Not too long ago you were helping me and il never forget you Angie for that, the timeyou took to help someone who lives thosands of mile,s away. Angie you are worth all the effort in the world you deserve to be free of all drugs and booze aswell you are worth all that causeyou want it for yourself. I beleive you will make it you can be what ever you want to be we dont need drugs or drink. We want freedomto live the life,s we werement to live. Angie i wish you all the best in the days weeks years to come rember tomorrow will be day one of therest of your life. Again good luck and best wishes ,,,,,,James
1481358 tn?1288295091
Dont feel ashamnd at all. The time to be ashamned is when you give in and care. Guilt gets you going in the right direction. Its taken me quite afew times and I cant say I wont take pills again. I hope I dont. Im taking steps to not make that happen. Keep remembering life  without those pills. Dont forget it. I did. Im making myself remember how nice things were not depending on pills. I hate depending on anything. Think ahead not behind. You can do. Ive also noticed cravings never last longer than 5 or 10 minutes.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
How are you feeling tonight ang??
1510084 tn?1291824940
I don't know one of you, but sure would like to reach across the information superhighway and give you a hug... boy is it hard to swallow pride and admit an addiction... I'm sitting at home right now on day 1, sweats and all wondering what the best way to approach my wife of 16 wonderful years and tell her about my relapse... oh boy, she is a wonderful wife and my best friend, funny how my mistakes keep affecting her so... time to take a clonidine and pray for sleep... pride can build a brick wall between the line of right and wrong... night y'all!!!
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495284 tn?1333894042
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