not craving but so scared

[worried878]

believe it or not..at close to 8 months clean i have no desire to start up on narcs again...i have been in horrible pain as of late..probably shows in my lack of posting...working is about all i am managing to do right now...found out this unshakable pain is due to another bulging disc under my fusion at c-5,6 and the only option given to me was another fusion!  NO way...fusions cause stress on the discs above a below as they take over the workload of the vertebrae u have fused..so what then?  another fusion, then another?   I am scared because i cant shake it this time and has been 4 months.....just afraid..i am single and i have to work..i want to live life and travel and have a relationship...no one wants a broken person!  went to a fibro specialist who said i do not have fibromyalgia..my pain is legitimate and due to my spine..she said she is surprised i can get out of bed....experimental techniques and costing me a fortune..but willing to try...i am so tired of hurting...now my arm falls asleep...i just dont understand sometimes why some have to suffer..i am a good person...i help people in my job...i ask WHY ME?  I am whining i know..i dont do that often...the pills wont help and this i know and i have to pull out of this.....i am very afraid
does anyone else have a fusion?

[K Todd]

First of all, I am not supprised one bit, that you dont have cravings at 8 months...even with this extreme back pain. About 8 months ago, it was time for you to live without addiction....., and so now you do!

As far your back pain...well, I am not just sorry..but I hate the fact that anyone has to go through pain period...for me it's chronic knee pain until I get a knee replacement...but much like you, I am single and my job is very active..

I will tell you this...before I quit hydros, I know my pain was worse on hydro's, than off them! I remember when I would sit here at the computer, and my leg would lock up in pain and to the floor I went with tears in my eyes waiting for the pain to leave, so I could move again...

As far as your back...there are so many different opionions, treatments, doctors etc...it can be so hard to even think of which one to go with...

All I know is this....I would humbly just "Ask God, our Lord Jesus"...and pray for His strength and guidance...and let Him lead you in the right direction, to help relieve your pain....and as you ask "why me" we will never know all the time...until some great amount of time has passed....

You KNOW all about back pain, and addiction!...  In these past 8 months, think of how many people you have helped, loved, and supported.....and especially those who have back pain just like you. You can relate to the pain, and addiction...which makes you very useful in the Hands of God...as your heart continues to help so many others in the midst of your sufferings...I think you should let God take it, and let Him use if fully...then just maybe you will get one of these days..you will get what you asked for....a pain and drug free life...(-:

You will be in my prayer's, and may God show you His Mercy in YOUR time of need !!
Love,
Todd

[worried878]

I guess chronic pain is hard on everyone but on really active people it also makes u quit/or slow ur way of living as well...i was an aerobic instructor when i hurt my shoulder and it all creeped from there over the last 20 years...I was dern good as well..people came from miles around to take my class...now i cant even walk on the treadmill anymore..i can do the bike and the eliptical tho..and yoga and i should be happy for that///as some cant even do that...i am thinking of u when ur wheelcair wheel fell off...i got a vivid image...it is so dern pitiful sometimes we do laugh...i cause myself more pain by working but i cant live off of disability by myself and i am just not at the point to be a burden to my parents or anyone else...so i am just gonna try to keep on going...you know if life would leave me alone..my pain would get better!  LOL..dreams are nice tho

[daystrom]

Thank heavens I am not plagued with chronic pain.  It is stories such as yours that has always made me feel most guilty about my abusing narcotics as I have.

You have clearly for your own personal reasons ruled them out for managing your pain.  I really hope that you find some sort of resolution to your tough situation.  You are far braver than I.  If I suffered from severe, chronic back pain I would be running to narcotics.  I really do wish you all the best, I do.

ray

[mandyjane46]

all the best people are broken in some way..or at least a little chipped...thats what gives us our humanity and compassion...me?...definately  badly chipped..but no regrets..cos I am strangely a better person for it...How to deal with chronic pain?...Im working on that one...I know that Ive always had a great sense of humour thank God... and I use it everyday to get me through...Good example..Last month the wheel of my wheel chair just rolled right off down the middle of the high street.My son just looked at me in shock and we both cracked up(well i laugh better than I cry)....It took me 40 minutes t walk a 5 minute journey home.The image of that day(me pushing a one wheeled chair home and my son carrying the wheel) kept me smiling for days and helps me to forget I used to play so much sport and run free...
Im so glad that I found this site...I often browse it when I cant sleep..and I meet so many truely gutsy people(like you worried) that it keeps me strong.

MJ.

[worried878]

Thanks guys...i have also turned down the idea of a fusion again....went to an alternative medicine doctor.....liked the time they spent with me   3 hours!...got an incline bench to strech my spine.....they have some technolgy and machines they use and i actually feel better after going..gonna cost me a fortune cos my insurance wont cover it...but to me it is hope and it makes medical sense...i see the outcome if it works and i feel so much better already knowing i am moving forward and trying to do this without pills or sugery/especially a surgery that i know will cause another surgery next year/  I will take a 50 % decrease in pain in a heartbeat...thanks u guys..one thing i can say is u r always here for me

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

I know this is serious - but I usually respond to serious with humor - ya cracked me up saying your head isnt screwed on straight.....and I know you well enough to say thats not true in the comic sense...you have one of the best heads that I have met on this forum -  my back has gone ballistic of late - I turned down the fusion offer,,,heard too many negatives and figured the odds were dead on 50-50 -----  not the way I gamble...hope it lightens up for you -

[dominosarah]

I am sorry to hear you are going thru this.  I have no suggestions for you but wanted to let you know i was thinking about you.      sara

[mimi1313]

Worried,

I am so sorry you're gong through this. I was wondering where you were. Our dates our about a month apart. I wish there was something I could do or say but unfortunately all i can do is offer you my prayers.

Hugs,
Melissa

[Mandapanda17]

praying for you too.. I honestly don't know what we do about this chronic pain.. especially if there are no 'easy' fixes for the problems.. i've been wondering what to do myself. soooo sorry you have to go through this h3ll! stay strong girl and I will too!! xoxoxoxo :):)

[toxictome]

worried.......I'm sorry you are going thru all this pain. I was wondering earlier today what was up w/ you...i haven't seen you around here too much lately.

I hope they get something figured out for you...SOON!!!

Take care of yourself.

[sadinmichigan]

awww worried..I am so so sorry that your in so much pain. That just sux..Wish I could help..I am prayin for you girl..Lisa

[woowoo67]

he has lost alot of weight and he does not complain to much anymore so I think he is dealing with it, but he has often said he would not do it again.

Technology is advancing so fast today, I am sure something will arise that will give you some relief soon.

[worried878]

Is ur dad still in pain?  i wished i had not done it

[woowoo67]

I hate to hear this...  I just met you online but you appear are such a wonderful person.  I was recommended fusion and I did not opt for it, my dad had it and told me that I should not do it.  My uncle had an entire disc replaced .....  is this an option for you?  Surely there is some kind of relief for you, surgery is how I fell into my problems.  Keep your chin up!

I will pray for you

take care WB

[addict3]

Worried, sending prayers your way...........you hang in there, things will work out. I am sorry you are hurting but maybe something will come along that can help.
Don't give up!!!!..............I'll be thinking of you!

[worried878]

thank you...it means alot to me for u to respond

[corey411]

So sorry your going through this. I wish I had an answer for you. Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you. GBU, Corey

[worried878]

I already have 1 plate...and it never helped..only made me worse..i never have gotten back to the level of functioning i was at before that fusion 6 years ago....took me a year to even be able to work out again....i dont know what i was thinking when i did it because  i knew better...i guess i thought that if i didnt try..i would never know if my pain could go away..so i did..the doctor was not really honest with me about the reprocussions of a fusion......since then my discs above and below are falling to pieces...mine is at c5,6 and now they want to fuse c6,7...then u go into the thoracic spine which they do not fuse...so if t-1 bulges i am out of luck...i have 2 discs completely gone in my thoracic spine and have bone on bone right now..they will now do surgery on ur thoracic spine unless it is life or death as these nerves control ur breathing ...this new "bulge" is due to the pressure from the fusion above it as the vertebrae are compressed causing the disc to bulge out/it has no where else to go but out....it is squished  LOL  COL (cry out loud)  using my own knowledge, i know fusion will last a year or two until another disc does this..If i was 70 i would do it as not many years left for more discs to suffer from repetitive fusions...but i am 48....i see the writing on the wall if i fuse this again..temporary relief if any and causing more damage later to another part of my spine that has to take over the load of the fused vertebrae...i see my mistake i made 6 years ago but hind sight is 20/20...just like we feel about addiction..."if i woulda, if i coulda, if i would not have"..gotta get my head on straight and move forward....my spine even enters my skull off center...so my head is not even screwed on straight!  LOL  COL...thans u guys..yall r great

[worried878]

thanks girl!   tear, tear..that was so sweet....i love u 2 girl

[enemy48]

I have missed you posting here.  

That's really sad to have pain creep back up on you in 4 months clean time, and to tolerate it for another 4 months.  

I don't know what to say, except I just LOVE you.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Always be very careful about asking "Why me?" Sometime you just may get an answer!!!

I will be more serious in a few  - - - eagle

[addict3]

Worried,
Will a plate in there help? Sorry if that was a stupid question but my mother in law just recently had this done and the Dr. said that it took pressure off of the top and below.

I have also wondered why me but, I have not always been a good person, so I try to gut it out. Now I think I am a better person.

You should be in a position to be first in line for any new procedures....I assume.
Try to put it out of your mind occupy yourself in other ways and maybe that will help.....sorry I can't be more helpful, you always were for me.
You are not whinning you are angry. .....Try something else you will make it.
Stay strong..you are not broken!

[avisg]

awwwe girl I am sorry you are going threw this .I hope you can find something that will help with the pain other then sugery.Stay strong  
we are here to support you ..