not sure

[shearlea]

I am home today and stil can't get it together. I don't want to come off like i'm a sad person. Usually I'm not. But, I can't seem to get over someone taking advantage of me and then cutting me out of their life, like I did something wrong. I couldn't take it anymore. The decision I made and the choice that I made was not good for me. He stole my money, he ruined a box of memories I had saved up for my daughter, I moved about 6 times in five years, he beat me, and so much more. I'm feelling the pain of all that has happen to me. He tried to keep on drugs and I just couldn't take anymore so I kicked him out. Even though we were not together, he still continued to call me and I talked with him. I thought he understood what I had to do, he kept trying to convince me he changed. I believed him. he said he had his own place, he did get a good job, I think he had his own place. But, again he caught me off guard. One Sunday I had my son and his children over for dinner. And he kept calling, I kept telling him I was busy with my family. He never let me interrupt anything he has ever done with his family or friends. He never pay me back any of my money. He always paid everyone back right in front of my face. Anyway, he came over without me knowing and was outside my door. He is so deceptive I really can't see who he is. He sound nice and sincere, but motives are to hurt me. I saw him treat everyone nice except me. I don't understand that. I really tried to be his girlfriend, and then I even tried being his friend. Anyway, after he did come over I let him in. He looked hungry and he seemed to weak. He didn't look too healthy at all. I fed him, let him in my home again. He came again the next weekend and again I was nice to him. On sunday he started to change and he started to criticize me and blame me for numbers in my phone. You see, when he came he didn't have any money and this was going to be his pay week. So, we had some words and he started to tell me I didn't change, look at how I was acting. I was just trying to defend myself from the things he was saying. He said it was a disaster being around me. He didn't trust me. I stood with him for 5 years and he never treated me good at all. So, he left and now he cut me off. I tried calling him and he does not answer the phone. He flipped the script on me. I don't understand this kind of behavior. All these months we have been talking he was planning on cutting me off. I should have made that decision about him, believe me I am not a goody twoshoe either, I am not perfect, but I didn't deserve to be treated that way. He always act like that when he had money. So now I feel like I gave him my power and I want it back. He came because he was hungry, tired and broke. He used me again and just pushed me to the curve. I want to be a winner, not a loser. He has a good job, lives in a nice apartment, and just seem to have everything going for him. and wouldn't even help me. I couldn't see who is was, and since he tried to convince me that he has changed I am doubting myself. He went into a program for addiction, but he didn't stay, he was an addict for so many years since 35 and now he is 54, The day he came to visit he looked at though he was still using. He said the counselors was evil and he got everything back so fast, in eight months, he has a good job, new apartment. I called it off because I didn't want anymore drugs in my life or anyone treating me bad anymore. Now I feel like I did the wrong thing. He said he only drinks and smokes refer and he doesn't use crack anymore. He said he doesn't need the program cause he doesn't have to use if he doesn't want to. So, he has me thinking his life is perfect. He also asked me to move in with him, but i would never do that. I am just mixed up about him. I don't want to think about him anymore, I think I am obssessed with anger and want to hurt him back. But I know that vengeance belongs to God. I need to get the focus back on me in my life. Deep down inside I think he is using again. I don't believe anyone can be a crack addict for years and drink beer and smoke refer and don't do crack. so, today I'm trying to communicate with people, with y'all at this website, I will get to meetings, domestic violence and aa and na. I just want to have the opportunity to see him and say no to him. I want to be a winner and be around winners. Thank you all for letting me share.

[ImDONENoMore]

Oxy480jim is right - get rid of this jerk!

Seriously - and I think counseling would be good for you - you're tolerating this behavior and need to find out why you would do that.  Focus on yourself and NOT him.

You deserve a happy life too.

[Oxy480Jim]

Dump the @ hole and cut HIM off! You are making yourself a victim because you can't seem to get over him.  Why in the world do you keep calling him when he treats you like a door matt?  Forget about him and move on. Find someone who treats you like  his queen, not a subordinate,  a maid, cook, laundry service, bank machine.

Go out and start dating, have some fun with YOUR life for a change!  The only way you are ever going to feel better about yourself is to raise your standards and treat yourself with the same respect you should get and deserve from others.