Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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401095 tn?1351391770

relapse.....i do not want to//but i want to???

I was laid off from my job on Tuesday...times r tough....plus my guy is moving and decided he is getting back together with his x/i think...he wont break up but he is staying over there....so to me it is a done deal..he is a puss and wont do the dirty work of saying it is over//so i had to...and i didnt need the stress this week...she found out we were planning to marry next yr and things got intense//she had him arrested for trespassing and he caved///loves the 9 yr old//i am done///wont go there right now..but he is a weak person....a very bad week in general for me..instead of going to my doc///i turned to drinking....gone to meetings every night...cant go down!  gonna see a counseler too..i need to talk..i am gonna explode if i do not!

I lost my job that i had for 9 yrs...I lost him///and i loved him but now i dont know why I did/do/but am letting go....i always come out on my feet/im down but trying hard not to relapse...i havent been posting cos i havent been out of my bed much at all this week til yesterday for a gym trip and today to lay on the beach...did me good tho...and is the reason i am up at this hour//i get depressed and go to bed at 8 pm!   Losses all at once can test us....i love this forum ///everyone is so supportive....i will be ok...but relapse is in my mind cos i am weak/needy....thanks for letting me share
26 Responses
271792 tn?1334979657
Good Morning Lady,

You have a lot on your plate and I am sorry this is happening all at the same time, or at all.

So, you think using will solve the problem? Or mask it for a bit? I know that YOU know better than that. It is never the answer.

Bottom line...if you decide to throw it all away, I will hunt you down and shoot you myself. I am pretty good with a 38 so don't take that lightly..LOL

Life throws us curve balls and when we have a strong recovery program (not just clean time) we learn how to deal with them. You know how to deal with this without using.

Wouldn't it be great to just take a couple of pills and make all that pain go away? I bet it would and I will also bet that the shame and guilt alone will kill you before the drugs will.

You have been an asset to this community for over a year and a half now and I have seen you help so, so many people. I can't imagine you would throw that all away. Believe me, I understand your thinking but it is your addiction talking and you know that also.

The lady I know is going to get out of bed, take a hot shower, put on some make-up and a nice outfit and get 'er done.

All of the things you are doing are spot on. You went to meetings, you are going to see a counselor and you came here and got honest. It doesn't get any better than that.

Yup, it stinks and the pain can be overwhelming but you have spent all this time learning to deal with these situations when they smack you in the face and I know for a fact that you won't cave on this one.

Funny, I remember when you came here and you were a stubborn little thing...LOL You are one of the few that listened when given a taper schedule and you actually followed it and got clean. I admire that.

Get up and get on. If he is leaving, it is his lose. Now you need to focus on you. Losing a love is never easy and it hurts big time but it is not worth throwing away what you worked so hard for. You got clean for you, not him. Don't let him take that from you.

I truly believe when one door closes, two windows open. There will be another love and there will be another job. I do not believe in coincidences so this all happened for a reason. You may never know the reason why and it is really not important. the important part is that you hang in there. If you hang on one minute at a time, or one hour at a time and then on to one day at a time that is okay. Just make sure you hang on.

And most important, let it all out. When using we mask our feelings. You don't have to do that anymore. You are entitled to feel whatever it is you feel. They are your damn feelings and it is okay to feel them.

Keep talking and doing what you are doing. If you have to sit here all day and dump, do it!

I have faith that you will get through this.

Hugs for coming here and doing the right thing...............
Avatar universal
I relapsed several mths ago after 10 yrs of being totally clean. Trust me, drinking again only got me one of 2 things, either I went back to my DOC, or I became a full blow alcoholic.
I know for me, that when I feel like using, I believe that that the feeling will last forever. But it will not! It will pas but I have to do somethings. Such as go to a meeting, call someone and tell them the deal, work the first 3 steps, remember where using will get me, ect. All of this things I do and so far I am still clean/sober.
Hate to hear all that is going on with you but using will not solve a damn thing. Hang in there and keep talking!
Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear of all your going through, but I know one thing relapsing will only add to the pain. I haven't been here on this forum very long, but you are one that has truly helped me when I was down, now I want to be there for you.

Know we are all here for you.............vent to us what your feeling but please stay strong and don't allow the ex, the loss of the job or anything else to cause you to lose what you have worked so hard to accomplish.

Prayers going up for you.

Avatar universal
I am sorry your going through all this. You posted and reached out so that means deep down you don't want to use. You have helped so many here and now it's your turn to get some help and support. Alcohol is a depressant and makes things worse, it did for me when i was drinking a few weeks ago and it sneaks up on you so fast. Has your drinking progressed since we spoke? You will be ok worried, this will pass even if it don't feel like it now. Give me a call today if ya want. Stay strong girl, your a rock!
452063 tn?1324074916
Worried hun, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I just posted yesterday about my relapse too....I'm on day 2 again. We both know what we gotta do though. In january 2011 we will be there but with a little less cleantime......but there right? All of this s!!T falls into place awhile after it hits the fan. Better things always lie ahead if we take that path less traveled by, Just let me know if you need to talk. Love, Corey                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
985873 tn?1407936092
I wish you strength and courage to get through the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks,.... until you can feel strong again.  It ***** loosing the job, but try to think outside the box.  Maybe this is an oportunity for you to try a different kind of job, something you've been wanting to go for but were scared to try.  Now is the time to go for it!  As for the guy, try to think of it as a blessing... obviously the guy is a spineless jerk.  Anyone who would treat you this way isn't worth having in your life.
Today, spend a little time pampering yourself.  Hot bubble bath, fix your hair, makeup, put on your favorite outfit (you know the one that you look "hot" in), and get out of the house.  Go window shopping, visit a friend, go for lunch, check out a library or employment office.... what ever you feel ready for.  Just give yourself the first push on the path of enjoyment, you never know who or what you will find there!

Avatar universal
Hey lady! - - Well....we know a little about whats going on with each other - - I was thinking just this morning on the way here how nice it might be to medicate once more......could even be medically justified. But I stopped so that I wouldnt hit a particular time or place in life and need the meds...... that was also the proper decision to make for me. The choice isnt any less valid because its a new day..... or because there are new problems.... That actually validates the earlier choice to stop even more.....and further enforces the decisions already made.  I am glad to see that you put some things on the forum for support - - you have given so much to so many ..... You know the people here are behind you all the way.   And just think about things for a sec - - do you really want to give Kleen a reason to arm herself?  The thought of a .38 in her hand sends shivers down my spine!! - - - -  nowhere to run and nowhere to hide .........................
Avatar universal
I am very sorry to hear about your losses....You know for a long time, I use to think How can worried work in a hospital with all these drugs that made us addicts ..What a DAM STRONG woman.... AND i know you are....I am so glad you posted, We are all here to help you...If you want my phone number I would be glad to give it to you...Go to a meeting today, and post away, you are very loved here!!!  BIG HUGS
Avatar universal
My sweet strong friend,

you know you are stronger then that. You have always been here for me and it is my privilege to be here for you. I do know you well enough to know you are one tuff women.
We all get down and we all get bad breaks, it is being a addict that makes us handle it differently then others. You are doing everything right, even dumping weak boy.
I would really like to see you with someone that is around a bit more and has less baggage.
Sorry just me being me.

Luv Ya so much!!
Be kind to yourself!

942290 tn?1252618549
best of luck on that. sounds like you have made the right choice, given hes playing games with you. I wish I could offer some advice......

what else can you do?
495284 tn?1333894042
I am sorry to hear about what is going on.  No man or woman is worth losing your clean time too.  It will only bring more pain and hardship......you know that.  Drinking isnt the answer either.  What is the answer is getting up out of bed, going to meetings, hitting the gym, cranking up the music and feeling this........not numbing it up.  I am glad you posted and are reaching out.  We are here to help you just like you have done for all of us.  Dig deep into that soul of yours and come out fighting.....you are in control of you not your addiction..........hugs to you        sara

Oh and i will be right behind IBK.....in case she misses i wont!!!!!!!
Avatar universal
Hey worried.. I'm so sorry you are going through all that you are.. I understand that feeling you want to but don't.. We all know that if you did use, matters would just become worse and depression will hit a all time low.. drug testing for a new job and the many other things that come along with using.. loosing your job sure is screwed up after 9 years. I always got the feeling you enjoyed it also.. but maybe this will open up for you a chance to explore new opportunity's that you have entertained but held back as you did enjoy your job.. as for the guy.. He is not worth loosing your clean time over.. I say Thank goodness you know exactly what he is made off right now then to find out even later.. You deserve so much more then this Fool.. I'm very grateful that you are hitting AA meetings as drinking takes us down fast.. Definitely not worth waking up feeling physical sick along with the emotional.. You are strong and very intelligent.. Things will be ok just make the good things happen for you as you are the only one that can.. You have helped so many and helped me with your words so often I feel honored although saddened to be able to add a lil support your way.. warmly lesa
542298 tn?1285971071
Hi I'am very sorry that you are going through these tough times. But please hang on don't go back any steps. There is always a reason that things happen in our life in time the bad will pass in you will be looking at the sunshine ahead. you  will get through this look in the miour in remind yourself of the hard work it took you to get here and tell your self you will be strong and that you are STRONG!  Hang in there you are a tough girl!!!

Take care Jen
917008 tn?1251223979
I've seen your nmerous posts here -- most folks, when they get out from under this mess, move on, which may be a good thing for some, but you've continued to stick around and help others -- that's more than commendable, worried.

Three major stressors: Bang! Bang! Bang! The job loss is devastating to anyone; finding out someone who you thought you shared requited love with turns out to be a selfish, immature little pr***  -- good riddance, but that's a big mess of pain to suffer, and you've been clean through all the usual nastiness of life, but you're really being tested here ...

Don't drink anymore -- it leads to irrational decisions, like the notion that a few pills -- right, just a few -- are justified now ... I know how that feels -- I was living in parks and apartment building landings 15 years ago, somehow saved my job, gf was checking out someone else's groinal apparatus, getting ready to move halfway across the country to Mommy and Daddy's place, and I was drinking myself into oblivion night and day. Employer (I'd made a few friends in Management along the way  -- I was productive, affable, reliable before the alcohol-for-breakfast thing set in) paid for in-house rehab, was actually doing a night-shift for them while in rehab and after I got out, it tokk 13 days for me to jump back into that squalid way of "living,"  but I straightened up pretty fast, and I'm still on the payroll. Don't drink anymore -- depressing, stupid decisions, excessive sick-time -- don't think of it as any way useful. Oh, and did I mention I was "above" aftercare?

Unfortunately I'm in the Opioid Web now, but trying to get out ... but enough about me. You really need to talk to a therapist or your doctor or a professional. You need to come here and see that complete strangers, in their own little hells, were moved by your post sufficiently to respond and offer support. Book appointment(s) tomorrow morning, go to whatever you're going to (maybe double it up), look for work, get all his **** in an orderly pile for pick-up, supervise the removal of this tiny speck of vomit's belongings, say close to nothing, but don't forget, "Good-bye; good luck" before you close the door for the last time.

And keep in touch. You could use a ton of help right now.
980271 tn?1248888698
Touche...that said it all honey...

You have too much to offer to let a minor setback turn into a major disaster...turn to wherever you turn for strength, and if the lights are off..we are here for you
Avatar universal
Hey !!  Worried,   see how many people care abt. you ?!!  I know it makes you feel good to know this.!!  Stress, heartbreak, unknown future,  these things would make alot of people cave.  Life is tough sometimes. :(  I feel for you and with all my heart, I hope that everything works out for you !!

Bigs Hugs to you From  Ella
Avatar universal
Hey Girrrrrrl:
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Yes life can throw some big ol’ curve balls our way and god can really test us at times.
1st of all, that dude sounds major coward, he doesn’t deserve such a nice person like yourself.  Yea, several losses at one time can make you feel really BAD! So many people have lost their jobs at this point, at least you are not alone there. Well I know that doesn’t help, but I wouldn’t take it personally, I have so many friends who have lost their jobs. It’s crazy.
But look here how many people care about you. I do and I don’t even know you.  You have posted so many helpful, knowledgeable & intelligent posts here. I love the polls you put together. I don’t deal with loss very well at all. Time heals all wounds.  I hope you can stay strong.  You have responded to my several of posts when I needed support, they have always been helpful and I really appreciate that and knowing you on this forum. Hang in there!
Avatar universal
Life will beat you down if you let it; well not so much life but the circumstances thrown at you.  A few things and I'm not stating this to purely make you feel good but trying to give you some perspective:

1. Job - Healthcare is still a strong field, particularly in the healthcare informatics field, population health, EMR/PHR, etc.  Home healthcare is strong, eg Hospice, virtual in home care organization, etc.
2. Relationship - Better to find out now that you had a weak parter than to invest a few years and find out later.  I find it difficult to coddle a weak backboned individual; it is what it is...get on with it.
3. Using - nothing really to say here because I know, you know, that meds are not the answer.  Remember your taper schedule and the apprehension about stopping completely?  

When the mortgage debacle ensued, my high level position in an investment firm was in jeopardy.  My life was also spinning out of control with stress and a few other things...taking a less stressful job has done wonders, and I mean wonders, for my psych.  I'm probably healthier now than I have been in 20 years.

Stay healthy now; work out as much as you can (become a gym rat if you have too); swim, bike, weights, diet, etc.  Communicate with your network for available jobs.  Florida has a 12 month unemployment benefit; not sure what your State has.  Whatever you do, please stay away from the meds...this is a road towards more heartache.

Take Care,


230262 tn?1316645934
Worried-- wow you sure have received an outpouring of support, love and advice here! See how many people's lives you have touched and helped? Now its our turn to support and help you in your time of need. I cant add much to what has already been posted, everyone has pretty much said it all (or at least my sleepy brain can think to add right now as its pretty early still and I need more coffee lol)  but you know what i mean. You are a very special person and have helped SO many people here. I am sorry you are going through all this BS right now, you surely dont deserve it. I hope that you can pull through it unscathed from pills and alcohol. Please hang in there, we got your back (and Id hate to see you shot from IBK or Sara, lol)
Avatar universal
Hey there!  I am sorry you are going through so much right now!  But PLEASE hang in there!  You were one of the many people that gave me hope and support during my 1st few weeks.  You still do!  Don't let these setbacks mess up all you have done!  I'm prayin for ya!  Much love!
401095 tn?1351391770
I am checking in....i ran away to Destin and staying with a friend ..will be home soon..no real reason to hurry home...I appreciate all of ur nice posts and thoughts.eagle u r a true friend and ur emails and texts have meant more to me than u can ever know...I love u

I have had alot on my plate IBK..i almost lost it...I never cry...and i cry frequently...there are no jobs here right now...i took my 401k out to live on....i feel alone but i know i am not...a victim of the economy...my fiance left me while i was in the worst time in my life...better to find out now than later i guess...it is hard to swallow it/looking for a church to marry in then 2 days later he is back over his x's house cos she threatened to kill herself...she almost killed me when she drove up to his house when i was there...obvioulsy they r legally divorced but not emotionally..lots of lies..lot of hurt..and i feel stupid..i hate to be played for a fool more than anything..nd i was a fool
will post more when i am home..i will get back on my feet...each day gets better

Avatar universal
sending strength and prayers your way worried.. You have been in my thoughts.. I do not see you as the Fool but him. and cry it is good for you a release that is needed.. warm hugs.. lesa
401095 tn?1351391770
Home and geez...u guys r great..i am off to a meeting and then a friends house..gonna spend the night with her...I feared when i had strong feelings...that if it ended i would be relapsing..i have not..and the drinking i can let go....it is not my doc cos i get hangovers like he11....it feels good for a bit..and the next morning it bites me in the bu11....if u thought u were depressed/tie one on and wake up with a hangover....ouch...the weight of the world is on ur shoulders//and my head!  I ran....couldnt cope here in my town..escape artists we addicts r....escape thru drugs..drinkinjg...why not just run away as well...problems stay even if i run...i came home today..taking care of business...got to...no one else willi guess when we sink to our lowest moment..we can stay there or get up..these thought ran thru myu head over and over  "get up laura"   i dint eat for 4 days....i was drinking my troubles away..but they were still there when i woke up....using however i wanted to do it...drinking or pills...the troubles stay...and in a drunken state of mind or a pill state of mind i can not move forward..and i have to...cos i dont wanna stay in a dark hole...been there/done that...in fact//not that i would choose either/but if i had to i would choose pills over drinking....i can really go down in the dumps drinking and do stupider crud than when on pills....i knew pills were my down fall...but drinking can be worse..talk about getting depressed...drink for a few days in a row   ouch!   guess it is all about escape...gotta stay ere on earth and face my crud..no pills...no drinking...no running away.......bad coping..i admit it.....thanx guys for ur support..but i think i am back...i feel stronger and off to the gym.....gotta move forward..i have no choice

u guys r wonderful  and thanx from the bottom of my heart
Avatar universal
You are a strong women, glad to see you back posting and hangin tough. The booze will take you down just as fast, but you already know that. Proud of you, now be a good girl:)
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495284 tn?1333894042
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