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186166 tn?1385262982

the words of a 17 year old...

last night while cleaning out some drawers...i came across a journal.   opening it up, i found one single entry.    these are the words of my, then 17 year old, son...written the night before he was leaving for wilderness camp for two months...stemming from his crack addiction.

"I am scared s h i t l e s s!  This is going to be a scary yet life changing point in my life.  It's gonna be hard but it is very necessary.  If i don't do this, i could start another life.  i could give up my freedom to a life spent in jail.   If i dont do this, i could end this life.  I could be dead within the year.  I hope the next few months will be a turning point in my life and prove to be worth my effort at getting clean.

I just got out of jail this afternoon and will be leaving for Utah first thing in the morning.  I am fighting the urge to call someone and score one last time.  It's kind of like saying my last goodbye to a life that I hope to leave behind.   I am scared and I don't even know how I got to this place in my life.

I am trying to focus on what is ahead of me and not what I am leaving.  I must stick it out and face all my fears.  It's time to move on with the next phase but I fear the unknown.  I need to remember Liz and all those who didn't have a chance and gave their life up to addiction.

I need to do it.   KICK A S S!"

10 Responses
306455 tn?1288865671
Is he off the stuff? What happened?  Please don't leave us hanging!  God, I hope there's a good ending to this.
Let us know, PLEASE?
306867 tn?1299253309
Wow great post. I think all of us can relate to what he wrote.  You left me hanging though..   How is he ?  Please write back and let me know how he is doing.    Mary
186166 tn?1385262982
oops...sorry.   i have been here soooo long that i tend to forget about all the new ppl that dont know my sons and their stories.

from there, he spent another 5 months in aftercare.  within two months of coming home...he relapsed.  if you ask him now...three years later...why he relapsed...why he didn't make it, he will tell you because he didn't do anything to "change" his addictive ways.   he came right back to the same friends...same habits...same feelings.

he relapsed...and things went down hill...waaaaay down hill from there...deeper into addiction and more jail time.  he came to us one day and asked for help...but much to our surprise...he wanted long term treatment...at least a year.   so at 18 years old...my son gave up his life as he knew it...moved across country...and learned how to deal with his emotions, fears, and addiction.  he had to learn "how" to live sober.  he has been clean from crack for right at two years now.   i cannot tell you how proud i am of him.   he made a committment and i have my son back.

i wish i could tell you that things have been perfect...but they haven't.   he started substituting alcohol for his doc for a few months...but the fact that he jumped right in there and got back on track shows his determination to succeed...to win this battle.  

i prayed for this...to get my son back.  he is living on his own and working two jobs.   the most important thing here is that he is living sober and he is thankful to us for never giving up on him.
God i love this young man and i have never been more proud to say that i am his mother.
306455 tn?1288865671
I'm so happy for your son, and for you.
And really glad there was a happy ending to your story.
Avatar universal
How old is that son today and how is he doing with is clean time?
Avatar universal
DAMN....you always know how to make a person cry!  That was so profound and mature to hear  coming from a 17 yr old!  My son is 16 and I am starting to see some signs that I don't like!  Was it really obvious to you or did his behavior change gradually.  I'm so scared for my son right now and even though he knows I'm an addict and swore he would never be like me...I know that thinking can get you in trouble.  I thought the same thing about myself knowing my father was an alcoholic....I guess we all think "That will never be me!"

Peace Kim!
Avatar universal
If you worried about your son stop by Rite-Aid and buy a bunch of drug testing kits......
Have the whole family at home take a drug test..........
make it a full family thing so no one gets offended.........

Then you know where you stand with your family and need to start dealing with it........Hes 16 yrs old catch it early before it becomes a problem..........
Avatar universal
Sounds like a good plan!  Don't think it will be necessary for my 8 and 6yr olds though!!!LOL I asked hubby what he thought about Nick and he seems to either be in denial, or just not in tune with him.  Nick and I have always been close...Michael is a bit more closed off to him so I think he has blinders on in some cases....he couldn't see my addiction until I spelled it our for him!

How are ya....what is the actual date of your 2yr landmark?  It's soon isn't it? I hope to God I get to that point.....seems like light years away!

186166 tn?1385262982
beach...he turned 21 in september and is doing great.   he attends a minimum of 2 meetings a week.  he and his g/f are hoping to move back to taos soon, as that is where he feels his recovery started and where he feels the most secure with his life.

marce...lol...he always has had a way with words.   i will try and round up the poems he wrote while in utah and send them to you on p.m...they are unbelievable and all telling of how he viewed life and death.

about the signs?   hhuummmm...i must say that i thought i was pretty "drug savvy" since i had been living it through madison and christian...but there was a huge difference.  the older boys were ADHD and were "always" out of control in some form or fashion...and dumb as a box of rocks when it came to "hiding their use"...lol.  they both entered the juvenile system around 13-14 years old.

davis was different...or so i thought.  he was a gifted child...never any trouble.  i thought that he was "too" smart to do something like that.  i had hoped that he would never even "dabble", knowing and seeing what all his brothers had been through.  he did the occasional coming home intoxicated a few times in high school...but there was always consequences to his actions.  i never found any drugs in the house nor did i ever suspect him of doing any.  i missed out on him starting with pot and working his way up to crack...never even knowing that in between he pretty much tried them all except heroin.  i guess you could say that he was very "drug savvy" because he hid his use well.  it wasn't until his crack addiction really took hold that i noticed a change in his behavior...seemed like it was overnight.  

i was fortunate...or should i say HE was fortunate...that his best friend came to me and ratted him out.  he told me everything, much to my horror.  while i was looking into rehab AND trying to keep him home...he was arrested a few days after i found out what he was doing.  ya see, he needed money to support his addiction...so breaking in cars became his way of doing that.  we left him in jail...at 17 years old...and didn't bail him out until i had all the details of rehab worked out.   that took about a week...the longest week of my life.

and this is where my original post above started...just getting out of jail and waiting to leave for utah.

Avatar universal
Yes marce its Nov. 26th but my N/A homegroup isn't till friday the 30th........

Someone from here is going with me to my meeting that night to witness my 2 yr medallion presentation..........
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