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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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414508 tn?1222627690

time to come clean

i need to come clean to all of my friends out here, i am unable to move forward until i admit what i have done. i have 4 days with no pills, i am very very proud of that. but unfortunatley, i relapsed and drank vodka on monday. and i am pregnant. i am so very ashamed, but i am feeling afraid to come to the forum so i had to get this out there to be able to overcome and move on, and to continue to use this forum as a source of support. i caused alot of pain #1 to my baby, second, to my family and friends, i know i have let everyone including myself down. i am going to therapy to figure out why??? why do i need to turn to drugs and alcohol, everything was going so good for me. i will also be coming clean at my meeting today about what i have done. last, and most important, i met my new OB yesterday, ITS A GIRL!!!!  and i told him everything, completely honest. he was very understanding, and very helpful and is looking for a facility that might be able to help me, also assigned me to a social worker in his office for support as well

i appologize to my baby, my friends and family, and to myself from the bottom of my heart, and i pray for forgiveness.

thank you for listening, i felt the need to do this so i dont isolate myself any further and come to terms and move on, i need this forum for support, i thought i could just run away with shame, now i see this is such an important part of my recovery.
17 Responses
390416 tn?1275185087
Being honest, open, and willing are important steps...and you are taking these steps. Coming clean at your meeting is also a good move. The shame is in NOT coming back and sharing your story!

Keep moving forward...you can do it!!  GOOD LUCK!!
401786 tn?1309152034
Listen dear...you've got my support.  We're not here to judge anything or anyone, just to be here for support.  I can see the pain that you're in over this, and it's super important to remember how much you are doing to try to fix the situation.  You're going to the ob now, getting help through counseling, and coming here.  You post whatever you feel, whenever it strikes you...that's what this place is for.  CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT DAUGHTER OF YOURS!!!!!!!!!
Avatar universal
I am glad you posted there is nothing to be embarrassed about ,you are on a hard journey and it takes time to find your way.I know your trying and are getting a support team together so hopefully they will assist in getting the help that your desperately seeking.We are all on your team my dear ,so good luck today and I am really glad you posted I know it was not easy.And how wonderful a baby girl ,you can do this Silk.
Avatar universal
I agree with the comments above.We're here to support not to condemn.Congratulations on your baby girl!!!!!! Peace.
414508 tn?1222627690
thank you, it took me hours to come to terms with the shame of posting this, and i am so grateful for your support. i guess it is true, admitting is the first step, although a few people knew, i never thought i would find it inside of me to come to the public forum. but, its done and over, and i am so glad i once again reached out.
Avatar universal
Try not to look back. What is done is done. There is nothing to be ashamed of.  Your honesty is awesome! Build on that. One day at a time! you can do this.
Avatar universal
that was awesome that you did this and you are strong and we love you!
340590 tn?1290952141
hi dear, i am so proud you took this step.  it proves the determination you have to become clean and sober.  you are on a difficult journey, on that will have many curves and hills, but you can do this.  you are well on your way.  day 4 with no pills is a big accomplishment.  try to focus on the positive things in your life.  life a new babay and a hubby that cares about you and the fact you have 4 days with no pills.  and try to figure out what caused you to drink and deall with it, dont sweep it under the rug.  this done and you cant change that, but you can change the future.  you know i am here for you
love
cathy
414508 tn?1222627690
i am digging deep to find these answers, you know how bad i want this. even today, with all of the bulls**t i created just 2 days ago, i wanted to run from that pain. that is why i chose to post. its funny how close we all really become on this forum, it absolutley devastated me to think i lied about my actions to people i care so much about. again, first instinct, screw it, im  a loser. thankfully, i found the strength to rise above that today and reach out, unlike monday. i have been a runner my whole life, but i have to grow up, its time, can i do it???? all i can so is i pray to God that i can, i would never ever want to hurt my baby, the thought of it kills me, but why didnt it stop me??? well, again, trying to find myself today and understand my behavior. i am done dwelling, and i feel comfortable being here again. no one did that to me but myself, i caused my own isolation and i take full responsibility.
BTW, Dr said baby is great, no signs of harm and test came back wonderful, what a relief. i am very lucky to have found him, hes a great Dr, and i feel so comfortable talking to him about all of my problems.
52704 tn?1387020797
"why do i need to turn to drugs and alcohol"?

i turned to (dove into, lived to use, used to live. . .) alcohol and drugs because i am an alcoholic and a drug addict.  

i have the disease of addiction.  i am absolutely and completely powerless over mood/mind altering substances once they enter my body.

to have any chance of staying clean and sober i had to be kept in a safe place long enough for my mind and body for to heal.  until sufficient healing and Recovery took place, i remained in active addiction . . . even if i hadn't used for X days.  so, i did what any drug addict in active addiction would do ----- i gave myself exactly what my brain told me was a necessity for the continuation of life . . . just a bit of my doc. just a little bit.

of course, we all know what happened when that "little bit" crossed the blood-brain barrier -- my brain DEMANDED a little bit more, then a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more. . . . .

in my experience, avoiding relapse has little to do with how good things are going.  it doesn't even have all that much to do with mere time away from the drug of choice -- time IS important, but time alone won't do it.

for me, any using means active addiction.  just not-using is not the opposite of active addiction.  for me, merely not-using is a strange, ill defined no-man's-land that pretends to be a good place, but which is actually fraught with almost as much danger as using.

for me, the opposite of active addiction is Recovery.  not-using is a prerequisite for my Recovery, but that’s all it is – it’s not Recovery.  not-using is like a key that can open the door to Recovery, but it is not Recovery.

someone once explained it to me like this: “with not-drinking and not-using you building a foundation and a concrete slab of the house in which you will live.  with active-Recovery you get to add walls, a roof, windows and doors, nice stuff inside. now you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to - no one can or will make you.  you can live on the slab if you want to, but it’s not a very comfortable place to live (really not much better, and perhaps less fun, that rolling in the mud).  so, if you’re going to go to all the trouble to build a foundation and pour the slab, why no go ahead and get the good stuff?”  i have found this to be an accurate analogy.

someone else once told me: “if you want Recovery you only have to change one thing - everything.”  i though that this was a bit harsh, and more than a bit stupid, when i first heard it.  now i think it’s pretty much dead on.  the thing that surprised me is that by “changing everything” i didn’t become less-me (or even non-me, which is what i was afraid of), i somehow became more-me.

for a long, long time my quest was to become good again.  somehow i had become bad and worthless -- i wanted to become good again.  finally, i realized that it was hopeless.  i was so bad and so worthless that there was just no hope for me.  so i gave up.  i quit.  i literally said “f-this, i quit.”  i knew that meant that i would be bad and worthless until the death that was certain to soon follow, but i didn’t care anymore.  i just didn’t care.

somehow in giving up i found what i needed.  when i quit fighting, i found Recovery. i discovered that i wasn’t a bad or worthless person after all.  i didn’t need to become good again, i just needed to become well again.  i was just a sick person who needed to become well again.

CATUF
1058
Avatar universal
Wow! That was awesome. What an eye opener.... I don't even quite have the words but that was great!
Avatar universal
Use it as a learning experience none that I know of are judgemental to you here. We are what we are and it is not over until it is over babe, Mike
401095 tn?1351391770
Admitting I screwed up means I do not intend to do it again...4 days clean is great...it comes with time but abuse of substances is how we have coped for a while and it does not just change overnight...u r doing everything in your power to succeed...and i am so happy your baby is doing well.....girls are great to have first cos they will be little mommy to the next one...i had a boy first and he never paid a bit of attention to my girl who came along 4 years later  LOL....they fought alot but are very close now...my girl was a bit rougher to raise in the teenage years tho...memories i would never take back tho...this is a very special time for you
402205 tn?1230481005
A girl!! I'm so happy for you. You made a mistake don't let it define but try not to do that again. I know wd's suck but you can do this. For your daughter! Are you excited?
460948 tn?1232302122
I just wanted to thank you for the eye opening post!! I'm so humbled by the words I don't even know what to say.
Avatar universal
I don't want to go  Dr. Phil on you , but sometimes underlying feelings of self-loathing makes us undermind the positive things we do.  I don't know if that makes sense, but I saw that a lot in my ex.  Every time things were going well and we were happy.....so we thought.......he would go out and ruin it with drugs, and all hell would break loose ..AGAIN......I can't explain it, but have done it myself......Feeling great, doing well, and subconsciously do something to screw it all up.  It's good that u acknowledge it, accept it, and now move forward.  Your taking all the right steps to correct it, but really dig deep as to why you did it.......you do know somewhere in your mind.  There are no " I don't know why's in what we do"  sometimes we have to get real with ourselves, as painful as it might be.

CONGRATS !!!!  ON THE "ITS A GIRL"  you are going to name her Nauty, right?...lol.

Take care, and God Bless.

Nauty...............
414508 tn?1222627690
thank you all once again, CATUF, well, words cannot describe how that post made me feel, i will definately be referring to that for a long time to come. and Nauty, i agree, i think after going to therapy i do know why, i just dont know what is like to feel, i have been numb for so long, now i have to face life for the first time in 24 years, yes i started at 11!!! i dont remember ever going more than 2 days without something, now, here i am, facing a whole new life but with the greatest reward, my baby, she has saved me from  a world of destruction, but i have ALOT more work to do. i have definately learned alot today, but not enough.  like CATUF said, back in November, i hit that all time low, i ran away from my hubby, like a freakin child, started shooting up, a real piece of work. i gave up on life, i wanted to die, there was no way out. then low and behold, something gave me the strength to come back home, work on my marriage and my addictions, what a humbling moment. then, a month later i find out im pregnant. that was the day i knew i had a whole life out there, i was just throwing mine away. life becomes so blurry when it is filled with substance. i think i justified my actions on monday by thinking, ok i gave up the pills, i have to screw something up, i always sabotage the positives in my life, always!!! i am working die hard on this, i want to learn and grow, but i need to do it quick, i cannot cause harm to my baby. she is my miracle......
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