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1295911 tn?1272774501

today is the worst..

i'm weaning from 260mgs of oxycontin and currently at my last day on 30mgs of vicodin; down to 20 tomorrow.. i feel so much more emotional than ever.. not sure if it's because i just got my depo shot (birth control) a couple of days ago or what.  i just can't stop crying and feeling awful.  i got pregnant in november and quit cold turkey, no problem.  i had a miscarriage in january - i just found out a girl i know is pregnant and it broke my heart knowing i could be 6 months now.  it was so easy for me to quit then, although i wasn't as bad, because i had something to quit for.  something bigger and more important than myself and my addiction.  i've always had low self-esteem; depression, bi-polar, anxiety, even agoraphobia.. i've been hospitalized this past february and october of 08 for suicide attempts.  it's like i know i want to kill myself; and i don't know if that's the drugs talking because i've felt that way for a LONG time.
i just wonder what i have to quit for now.  my health?  people who care about me?  because there really are none.  i don't go out - i don't have friends.  i'm 23 years old and i don't work or go to school or do anything or see any hope.  someone please tell me this will go away - i can't handle feeling this way.  someone tell me it's normal.  is there anything i can take or do to help with these overwhelming feelings of depression?  i did slip yesterday and take an extra 7.5 mg because i felt this coming on - i don't have enough pills today to do that and am not worried that i'll use again, i just forgot why i decided in the first place.
16 Responses
Avatar universal
Sorry to hear you are feeling so down.

I would encourage you to seek out a NA/AA meeting today.  Since you are not working or have school this would be a good time to connect with people who can support and encourage you.  You do not have to do this alone.

Crying was a big thing during my withdrawal.  Between the depression and crying I felt like a basket case.

You can do this.  Try to throw the rest of your pills out b/c this will just prolong the withdrawals.

You are worth it!

Drew
1065045 tn?1272462838
I know exactly how you feel. I recently quit (18 days today) a 250mg/day Oxy habit and the depression was horrible. When you finally do get off it the feeling is sooo awesome to be free of being a slave to the pills. That addiction gets so old so quick and becomes such a vicious cycle of dodging the dopesick. To hell with weaning it just prolongs the grief. Quit c/t and give it a few days and you'll be on your way back to normal in no time!!
1295911 tn?1272774501
thanks so much; i'm glad i'm not the only one who has felt like this.  i can't really throw  the rest of my pills out because there are three people in the house who are all tapering and we're planning on going CT together, and until then i won't have the money for some of the things in the thomas recipe or amino acid recipe, and i don't think i can do it alone.  we'll be down to 0 by may 13th.
the only na meeting i found near me is on monday nights.  it's in a church basement so i was wondering if it was religiously affiliated?  if so, i'd have no interest in going as i'm agnostic.  i tried to call to see if it was but no one answered.
there are a few more meeting places but i live in the bronx and they're not in the best areas.  i also have severe anxiety of public transportation and no car so it's hard.  i'm sure there's an AA meeting near me probably everyday hah but as i'm not an alcoholic, would they still allow me to attend?

thanks for responding.. it really meant a lot.
1295911 tn?1272774501
thanks for your response, as well.. i was at 280 myself and have weaned to 30mg vicodin.  as i was saying to drew, there are three addicts in the house and we are all tapering and planning on going CT together, and until then i won't have the money for some of the things in the thomas recipe or amino acid recipe, and i don't think i can do it alone or without the aid of some of those recommended remedies.  we'll be down to 0 by may 13th.

i'm not worried that i'll take more.. i know i don't want this habit, i've just been so depressed my whole life that i feel like when i am clean again i don't know what i'll do or how i feel.  i am hopeful that i'll be like you but can't help but wonder if i'll be really down one day and relapse.  i guess that's my biggest fear.  i hope i'm stronger than that, and these thoughts are just because of how awful i'm feeling right now.

anything you can think of to aid with the excessive crying/depression?
271792 tn?1334979657
I am sorry you are having so much trouble but you need to clam down first of all. You are going 100 miles an hour and I am certain this is not helping with your anxiety. Take a deep breath.

If you can't get to an NA meeting, then you can go an AA meeting. It has nothing to do with alcohol. You can listen, if you choose not to speak and you exchange the word alcohol for the word drugs. The fellowships of NA and AA are not religiously based but you will hear the term "Higher Power". Most people refer to their higher power as GOD because of how they were raised. You don't need to believe in GOD, you simply need to believe that there is a power greater than yourself that can help you. You may want to do some reading online about the fellowships and get an understanding. I hope you make the decision to try a meeting, or a few, but you will need to have an open mind.

It is very normal for all of your feelings to come full circle while you are tapering or going through withdrawal. The drugs numb our feelings so when we take them away, all we do is "feel".

Is there any way you can speak with a family member? Get into counseling?

1295911 tn?1272774501
thanks so much.. i took some xanax to calm down and my crying has calmed down; just a little teary now.  i DEFINITELY want to attend a meeting; just worried i'll burst out "um i actually am here for painkillers" and they'll throw me out.  i do believe there is something greater, but i've been so distant from reality because of the drugs that i haven't been "in touch" with it.

i have an appointment for therapy on may 10th.  i am worried to talk to her about my addiction because i have severe anxiety and i'm afraid she'll think i'm abusing my xanax and take that from me, which is the only thing that helps!  and family members are a no-go; i live with my boyfriend and his family and if my parents found out they'd make me move back from the bronx to honesdale, pa; the armpit of america, and i'd lose my boyfriend and my life here.
Avatar universal
HI ...alot of what your feeling is what I felt when I tapered ...I guess it goes with the territory...you become an emotional train reck so to speak...my conslor calls it rebound emotions its your brain coming back on line and beginning to feel again...you low enough in dose now not to be getting all numbed out by the pills any more so now your having to deal with your emotions on steroids its like a roller coaster up then down peaks and valleys ..you still got a ways to go but this will pass with time...you need to hook up with some aftercare..its never to soon to start....N/A meetings are not religious based they follow other guidelines but it would be good to check that or an A/A meeting out you will be welcome at ether and it will help you sort out some of your thoughts and answer some of your questions about recovery...try not to get discouraged take it one day at a time you will have good days ok days and bad days thats all part of life but soon you will be done with your taper and be going it pill free and it is so freeing
im looking forward to your success just hang in there you will get thew this
good luck.....Gnarly    
1295911 tn?1272774501
i am proud to say that i found a closeby NA meeting for this evening and will be going at 7:30 EST.  wish me luck; it's my first meeting!
Avatar universal
good for you....you wont regret going and it will help with your recovery
let us all know how it goes for you....Gnarly
Avatar universal
I am so happy to hear you found a meeting!  Let us all know how it goes.

Drew
Avatar universal
Glad to hear you're going to a meeting.  You are a strong woman who is taking control of her situation and moving in the right direction.  Praying for your peace and strength . . . Deb
Avatar universal
Hi,

I just wanted you to know that about 2 weeks ago I couldn't get out of bed, I'm not going to ******** you and say I went cold turkey the truth is I ran out early of oxycontin.  Boy its a horrible horrible feeling.  I could barely change my 3 months old diaper and feed him I was so depressed I kept taking ambien to just try to sleep through it.  I used Vicks Nyquil.  What I suggest and its worked for people is to go see a dr and ask for wellbutrin while your going through this it does help when tappering.  I m tappering now and on wellbutrin.  I know how you feel.  You just want to be knocked out completely.  I can't do it cold turkey because I couldn't eat or do anything I was useless I even called a hospital and asked them to admit me because i couldn't take it anymore.  Stay strong use the xanax if you have it.  I only had ambien avaliable to me and it helped me sleep.  You will be amazed after the clouds go away (the drugs) you will start to see things differently and you mite chose to go back to school, maybe you'll meet your true love.  Keep thinking positive.  Be thankful your not working right now its so hard to explain to a boss why your off or sick TAKE THIS TIME YOU HAVE AND MAKE USE OF IT.  When your decide to get right with your life things will come together.  I promise you.  But chose what life you want.  
Avatar universal
If you can't get the good things from thomas recipe how are you getting the oxycontin?  I could be wrong but isn't that more exspensive then a bottle of vitamin b 6?  I don't know how you get them if off the street of dr.  
Avatar universal
I hated it when they said in the N.A meeting    This too shall pass.  Its true . If you don't use the withdrawal will pass. You may even get the luxury of a pink cloud for some time after you get clean.  The fact is though it will take some clean time for you feelings to adjust to not being numbed by drugs.   Go to a meeting I enjoy them.
1295911 tn?1272774501
thanks so much for your kind words.. i apologize for my delayed response; my keyboard has been broken.

i'm proud to say that i've gone to 3 NA meetings so far.  i have found so much peace there, knowing others are going through the same thing - it's like a family.
i also had my first meeting with a therapist today.  i'm making moves; can't wait till the 14th - my first day clean!
1295911 tn?1272774501
i don't have a job so my bf has been supporting my habit and he wanted to stick to the weaning plan so i had no choice.  and i didn't get the vitamin b6 yet; they didn't have it.
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