trying to get clean for my son

[Loveliveshere]

I have been addicted to vicodin since i was 15. Ever since ive taken every pill out there. Here lately ive been mixing adderall too with vicodin. Ive lost my husband and could possibly lose my little boy bcus i cant stop relapsing. Im 3 days clean now but im depressed with anxiety, cant remember anything, cant sleep. ive lost 30lbs since my husband walked out on me and took my son too. I love my little boy so much i just dont know why i cant stop. I have to tho. I was beat 2 wks ago in a dark alley trying to buy pills. I couldve died but still used bcus of the pain i was in. I was stupid and dumb. Ive messed up both my parents banking accounts due to stealing money to buy more pills. And my husband said thats why he left me. I feel hopeless and alone. Along with the withdrawls idk how much more i can take. Me and my husband has 50 50 custody but we go to court next week. Everyone in town knows about the fight and it wont look good on me in court. My son was with his dad when i got beat. Im used to taking 15 or more vics a day. The adds i dont take as much they just help a little with the withdrawls. Im coming off of both of them at once and just feel empty. Im irritable but ive noticed im not as mean as i am when im on them. This is a scary feeling. Im looking at prolly having to go to rehab when i go to court for custody. I know if i go i wont see my son for a while. Im helpless, please help. I need advice. Thanks.

[Loveliveshere]

Thank yall and domino your right. You took the words right out of my mouth. I see a monster. I feel like one too. Ive put my parents through hell. lying and stealing. I am trying my hardest. 4 days now and the empty feeling is worse. And by the time i get to court ill be clean if they give me urine test. Ive already had hair follicle and mouth swab. I passed the hair bcus i only took the 3 tier..the extended wouldve showed the vicodin i took the exact same day i had the test but it came back negative. Pills showed up on mouth swabs but i had old scripts for them. If it wasnt for the fight i couldve got joint but now i dont think the judge will be ok with that. I just want my son to be happy. This custody battle has made me depressed and made my addiction worse. Feel like im losing everything but i will go into treatment to try to get my life back. Appreciate yall so much.

[dominosarah]

I wondered for a minute if i had written this as so many things you mentioned was my life years ago.  I am very grateful your son is with his father.  You are in no way capable of taking care of him full time but you can be.  This will take real hard work on your part.  I know you dont love yourself and all you see in that mirror is a monster looking back.  With treatment and aftercare that monster will turn into a beautiful woman.  You hold the key that will unlock those chains.  It is up to you to reach out and grab that key.  You have to want this more than anything.  It has to be your main goal, even over getting your son back.  We have to find ourselves before we can take care of anyone or anything.  I know the desperation you feel, the pain and shame and i am here to tell you that there is a life out there with your name on it~

[gnarly_1]

Hi...well im with ibkleen you need all the support you can get most addicts cant stop without a program of recovery N/A offers that I often say the only way to do this wrong is trying to do it yourself there is no substute for human interaction  you wont be alone in this addiction is a diease and it has to be treated as suck  you have so much to loose right now give N/A a shot it works for me...........Gnarly..............

[Jinx_777]

you may as well approach this as honestly as you can.  the court can order a hair follicle test as well as blood and urine on you.  likely they will if your husband is going to make that accusation.

i would highly suggest going to inpatient treatment to not only help you with drug use, but also address depression.  any mom going through what you are is going to be depressed.  then you self medicate to attempt to help yourself.  it is a common, vicious cycle.  

you seeking help will be the best bet in regaining custody of your son.

you can attempt to deny the accusations, but i would seek the advice of an attorney on that because IF the judge orders testing on you, you will be proven a liar to the court and nothing will go your way.   best to go with the depression and trying to self medicate route.

[motye51]

Just a thought...wouldnt you have a better chance of getting your son back if u were able to walk into that courtroom clean and able to tell that judge your working a program? You r no good to your son in w/d or using. In the grand scheme of things 90 days isnt **** to work on yourself! Your son will understand and will love to have the real you back. Example....i was worried that going to mtgs would upset my kids, but actually, they encourage me to go. Because they know working a program and going to mtgs has brought back the mother they remember and love! Its truly been a miracle. Once u get clean there are ways to work through guilt, shame, lies, etc...in a way to not use. I fought the whole time through detoxing, yelling at myself that i am stronger than this. We have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make ourselves see this! Once u do this, things will fall into place....

[Loveliveshere]

Thank you motye. I feel like i no longer love myself in a way anymore. Ive done so much wrong but the way u put it makes me feel a little better. I dont like looking in the mirror anymore really. Dialted pupils and all that. I dont see myself anymore. Id actually give anything to go into treatment rite now but cant since court coming up. Im fighting it off tho. Still not sleeping too good but like u said it gets better. And also what u said about being happy..feels like im only happy unless i have pills or my son is with me. I have neither rite now and im so down. But still fighting.

[motye51]

I'd like to come at this from a different angle. I know, from what i've read, your son is important to u....but what about u? Are YOU no longer important to you? We are ALL addicts here, and we've all done stupid **** to get what we needed to not be "sick" so dont ever be ashamed of what you've done...your soooo not alone in this. Going to treatment is a great idea...as long as your going for u! You will be no good to your son until u get yourself better. You can be the one that "wins" this by learning about your disease of addiction and working a program. I keep my family in my mind when making the decision EVERY DAY to not pick up and use....but i have to want it for myself in order for that to work.
Your just caught in a cycle...its time to break it! I NEVER thought that i could be happy in my life without the use of drugs and i promise you....i was wrong! Was it easy to get here...NO!!! But I'm getting there every day, it gets a little bit better. Go in the bathroom and look in the mirror...tell yourself OUTLOUD " I can do this!".... And make the decision to take your life back!

[Loveliveshere]

And no it wasnt my husband that beat me. Weve got into altercations before but this was 2 girls that beat me who i would buy off of. I live in a small town and never thought it could happen but did. The one girl beat my head in the ground and i walked away with blood all over me and 6 stiches in the back of my head. Thought id quit after that but was in so much pain the ER wouldnt even give me script like they used to bcus i have a history. So started taking even more painpills after the fight and here i am now. I just know they will drug test me in court so ill be a week clean by the time of court date.

[Loveliveshere]

I will continue to write on here and your right ive tried time after time to quit. I have done some stupid crazy things to get what i need. Just seems like its got worse since my husband left with my son. It hurts a lot. I wish i wouldve been strong enough to quit before my husband left me. Now i feel its too late. And i dont want him to win. Thats why when i go to court i dont want to admit it. If i do he was right all along. Id be too ashamed too. Ive always had so much shame and guilt. I do want to do it for my son and me. Im so glad i have support from yall tho. Ive had so many ppl try to say that im a bad mom but ive taken care of my little boy since birth. I always made sure he had his baths always put him to bed and we are so close. It just hurts to know they could take him from me again. Feeling pretty bad right now but thinking of my son gets me thru. Seems like its worse during the day but hope i can sleep better tnite. Thanks yall and thanks for the prayers i need them a lot.

[Loveliveshere]

Thank yall so much. It means a lot.

[Jinx_777]

did your husband beat you??  confused on that point.

you can do this.  you have the greatest reasons in the world to be a success.
first, your son.  you will live in nothing but regret if you don't change now.
second, don't let your ex win.  prove to him what you can do
third, you deserve to be clean.  it may take awhile before you start feeling better, but at least there is an end in sight.  not true if you continue to use.  not unless you consider jails, institutions or death a light at the end of the tunnel

[ChasingFreedom]

You are already 3 days in.  Keep going!  You know you NEED to conquer this not only for your family but for yourself.  Exercise some SELF LOVE, girl.  We addicts put ourselves in some pretty dangerous situations just to feed the monster inside.  But the monster NEVER gets satisfied...so you have to cut it off.  Just one really tough week and you'll start to feel so much better.  YOU are the only one who can do this.  Try to follow the Thomas recipe to help with the WD symptoms.  It can be done.  You have to take control before it's too late.  Please hang in there and make the commitment to keep going.  Keep posting and reading on here.  Everyone on here has been where you are.

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

Listen hun...going into treatment will be a blessing in disguise. You will not see your son for 30 days but if you continue to use you risk losing your life and never seeing him again.

I have to suggest that you get yourself to an NA meeting pronto. Aside from the fact that the people there can help you greatly it will also look good when you go to court. Work as hard on staying clean as you did to use and you will make it. Here is the link to find a meeting near you:

http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I'm so glad you are wanting to get clean for your son...but you also have to really, really want it for yourself.  You've been down this road before so you know everything you are feeling goes with the detox process.  Try to take one day at a time...don't worry about the future right now.  For now, get clean...show the courts you are willing...willing enough to ask for rehab.  I think since you have been unsuccessful so many times that rehab may be the place for you so you can get an arsenal of tools to use to help you get clean and stay clean.

You and your son are in my prayers.  Take time and think about what you want your life to be...and then one day at a time...take baby steps...and work towards that goal!