whos out there w/ding with me?

[beatbutnotbroken]

8 days clean off of methadone 105mg tapered down to 45mg...went thru the first 5days in a detox.(thats all they could hold me for) last 2 days they gave me 4 doses of subutex 4mg 4mg 2mg 2mg then said ur good to go RIIIGGHHT. the first day out i felt ok then the next morning I felt pretty good, and then it crept up on me like a assassin. first the anxiety and heart pounding then the aches of bones and joints. there was a point it was so bad i forced myself to sit still and accept the pain just kinda welcomed it in my body then my feet kinda just went numb with a vibrating sensation. lasted about 15mins then had to get up and walk around. and oh my the head games are worse than i ever thought its like my brain is so fing confused and i have no control over it, i get really angry sometimes like i wish this disease could manifest itself in a physical form so i can beat the **** out of it. but all in all im doing ok 8days in and running the road of recovery never to look back at the drugs chasing me. MH and the people here have givin me so much support and kindness it has really helped me a lot so i just wanted to try and give some back. keep posting for support. together we can beat this, KEEPING THE FAITH.......

[Gettingalifeagain]

Awesome post!!!  Thanks for sharing...you are NOT alone in this journey..

[beatbutnotbroken]

im going to get the med help logo tattooed on me i think it is awesome all the hands representing all the people who are facing this together fricken awesome.

[atthebeach]

You sound clearer today. Keep running the race with patience.
Yiu are doing an Awesome job.
Keep on keepin on.
Keep the faith.
Hand you considered counseling and/or support groups?

[beatbutnotbroken]

yea the clonodin helps a lot but the mind stuff is way more than i expected i dont think i mentioned i am going to a 6month rehab soon just waiting on the tb tests have 3days untill i leave my precious family. but i think i need this to help guide me to getting me off my ars. no contact phone calls nothing for a month i think they have computers in there they will let you use after the month intake phase. but it will be the best for me. why does my stomache fill empty all the time when i drink the prot. shakes been eating bannanas and veggies and little while later its like i can feel the inside of my stomache and it feels like a empty painfull way. my legs feel better but now its in my arms and hands. there is something i would like to ask you to in pm if you dont mind. thanks debbie ur awesome.....

[Jinx_777]

today at 3pm it will be 7 days off fentanyl.  i think i seen the devil himself.  pure he!!  still having trouble sleeping, RLS really bad, but it is better than it was the day before.  now i just have to deal with the pain that caused me to get on it.  aughghghghhghg

congrats on day 8

[VICourageous]

Hello & Welcome to the Hotel Addiction room 111..
I am not detoxing right now because I c/t last Sept 2012 off Methadone and 2 other meds. Yep, the mental is what takes the longest..You will have some waves of Physical for a bit, but then the Mental will kick in. Each day your mind feels clearer & clearer, but it is the mental part and behaviors that we have to change and work on so we can learn to deal with life clean & sober. And or how to live in ones own skin too. Make sure you keep eating a very healthy diet and taking some good vit/min. Just go with it day by day as you will peel off layers like a onion and everything will soon make more since. The detox is the easy part..(What?).I know, but YES it is..It is working on staying clean that takes the cake. Just take them baby steps because one day these steps will get bigger & better..Wishing you the best.
Bless

[Heather8448]

I had to give my gun away I wanted to die its been a year and I am just now considering getting it back. baby steps. are you in after care. its worth it and it gets better...walk forward i believe in you, we can do this

[beatbutnotbroken]

omg yes being at home is like being in a cold cell with all the guilt and shame.. i see my wifes eyes and they are in a dark place but she says, "im fine dont worry about me you need to just worry about you i got this"..... and this woman has put up with all my ******** over the years and loves me more now than ever but i cant look into those beautiful blue eyes without feeling my heart breaking into pieces....we have been together for 15years and 8 of it i wasnt there.....the first day and a half when i got back from detox was like we were falling in love all over again. she sent this incredible text message to my phone while i was in detox telling me things that made my heart fill with warmth again....  and then came the m fing piper!!! so yes rehab is going to be my cocoon and when i emerge im going to be able to enjoy life again i feel like i have missed 8years of my life but have something so incredible to fight for that this detox this disease dont have the power to over come love. and i realize that now it is painfull so ******* painful. wow sry you struck a hard chord on that one weaver thanks man......

[gnarly_1]

Hi well your doing great methadone is a monster to kick it is the energy crash and recovery time that makes it hard  just know everything your going threw will be so so worth it  it took me around 90 days to feel right so pace yourself and as always get to a N/A meeting and keep going to them the support is ausum ''with a addict to my left and a addict to my right I rarely fall''.......Gnarly

[beatbutnotbroken]

yea no sleep tonight  i think im going for a midnight walk not sure if that is the right thing to do at 4am but wth

[lulu747]

Just be safe.  I think a midnight walk is great.  The more exercise you are able to get the better.  Then take a hot shower or bath and eat a banana- maybe a cup of sleepy time tea.  If that doesn't work try losing yourself in a movie or tv show- a book would be better, but if you're anything like I was detoxing, the concentration is too hard.  Deep breaths.  Find your zen point.
You are doing awesome.
I am excited for your rehab experience, going into a coccoon and emerging a butterfly with the world as your oyster (mixed metaphor but it's late so whatever (:)
Proud of you...
Lu

[weaver71]

4am to sunrise is my favorite time of day. No mistakes, no pressure, the world slows down during that time. Of coarse I know you want it to speed up right now, but hey, we work with what we got. I wore out a pair of shoes detoxing, then I started swimming. Oh yeah, you will love life free, I hope you meditated on that on your walk. You have kids, remember how intense it was when they were born, nothing prepares a man or woman for that? That is how I see it, I called detox the birthing pains of a new life. I was watching my wife in pain and agony, days of labor, but as soon as she held that child, none of it mattered anymore. Getting off opiates has been just like that. Also, aftercare can be like hugs from a baby as well as changing diapers, we usually got lots of joy and have a lot of shite to clean up by the time we are off drugs. The same love your family feels for you, you will feel for yourself, the suffering now will simply be the path to true love. You shared how you felt you and your wife were falling in love all over again. Once you are clean awhile, you will feel that love and give to them more and more. I truly forgot what deep, real love felt like on methadone. You have much to look forward buddy, keep that rock star attitude.

[beatbutnotbroken]

wow i got back and it helped some but the fatigue and mind games are coming at me strong. it felt like i was wondering the dessert trying to find peace with my self. how long can you go without sleep before you lose your fing mind. methadone is ******* methadoom dont ever get on this **** its like i can handle it sometimes and then it comes back with no sympathy no remorse just all out war with myself my anxiety gets so bad i can see my shirt moving in my chest with every beat of my heart. 9 days methadoom what else you got for me. no matter what i am done with you and your vindictive ways.....each second each minute that goes by is that much closer to victory. time stands still for no one not even methadone each second each minute i get further away from your lies!!! i keep telling myself JOSH dont you want to unlock your full potential dont you want to give it all you have to be the best you can!! you owe that to yourself your family....i know there is a great life for me when i get thru this i just have to keep pushing myself and when its done i will slam the door and build a wall of support in front of that door to not ever let you back in..........yup going crazy but on ma 9th day just watched another sunrise ty god for opening my eyes. ty guys for listining to my phyco babble bull ****.......

[Jinx_777]

i am one day behind you and i keep reading your posts hoping today is the day you feel better.  i know fentanyl and methodone are 2 of the hardest drugs to kick.  so, probably similar timelines.  3pm will start day 8 and the pain in my back is killing me.  keep paving the way.  :)

[Heather8448]

I use to drive to the beach and lay in the sand at 2 am the go to work at 630am...it passes breathe through it journal a lot so in a few months youll remember where u came from one day at a time you can do this

[beatbutnotbroken]

Wow the phsicall is gone but the head games are in full sffect I fing finally got some sleep with this med I got yesterday hydro something anxiety med slept like 9 hrs and woke up with bad equilibrium feels like im drunk but not. Going for a walk ty guys 10 days hell yea!!!

[beatbutnotbroken]

Well day 12 is here and I feel ok....been spending time with my wife and  kids beforeim gone was going to leave today but well my wife is beautiful......12 days seems so small with every second that passes. Not sure how I feel..my core is weak but strong with my will to overcome the anxiety of feeling so ill....this is very trying...whipdy ******* doo the detox wasnt nothing compared to how I feel now the heart pounding and not being able to let my mind relax. But this is my last post for a while I feel I wore out my welcome here..noones fault but mine.....u guys have helped me this far and now its time to move on.....take care and be true to urself.....

[weaver71]

It's impossible to wear out your welcome here, but if you need time away, I totally get that. Your thinking is not 100%, I think you agree.  Remember, your feelings are not our feelings. I relate to your situation a lot, so I always check your postings. I also disappear for awhile when needed. I just want to say that I'll be looking for you when you get back. Do what you have to do, but always make recovery a major part of each day, here or otherwise. You're rockin buddy. He who takes the plow and looks back is not fit forthright kingdom. I tested that as a farmer. It is true, I could never furrow nor plow a straight line unless I looked forward I tithe distance.

[beatbutnotbroken]

Well I mean  going to not post on my threadsfor awhile u guys have been my gasoline and the tanks going empty...so Im going to refill it by trying to help others now and stop being selfish with my feelings...sry im not me......anymore or the old me im new and not used to it at all.........

[weaver71]

Do both, help when you can, whimper when you want to. Sharing pain and joy, anxiety and tranquility, experience it all and express yourself don't repress yourself. But I follow what you're getting at, thanks for clarifying. I find your energetic mind and creativity coming out in the light. Let it shine brother, let it shine. See ya round then.

[beatbutnotbroken]

Thanks weaver u r a inspiration for me and im sure many others.

[LadySailor86]

Still with ya. I'm at 10 days clean but got myself dehydrated so i telt like wD all over again. A tad better today. Kinda depressed and overwhelmed but I'm in aftercare so I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. Xoxox

[Clover38]

Hello, I'm with you...I jumped off the methadone train also-Thursday morning, 8am was my last dose. I tried to taper and did it too quickly, I think, but now I'm on day 4 and just want to freaking sleep! I don't though, I lay there and twitch...I tried clonidine for the first time today and it really really is helping. I want to run, but my body disagrees with my mind...just want to say hey, you're not alone and it helps me knowing you are kicking a$$ too! Thanks for sharing your story!