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Avatar universal

why now?

  PLEASE read this , its probably going to sound like I'm all over the place , talking in circles, etc... but I am going crazy,   OK long story short,
I got off a 7 year habit of  stimulants and opioid pk's in October.  I did it for my family, my marriage, my job.  I went to an outpatient place for 6 weeks and was done. Went to a few meetings THEY ATR NOT FOR ME I'm sorry to those that love aa, na whatever, I just don't like them. They do not work for me.   Didn't need Sub. or anything . I had A LOT at stake if I didn't quit.  I was getting drug screens randomly .  This will sound LUDUCRIOUS but it was not hard for me. I know, I was taking handfuls of pills everyday just to be "normal". I went through a week of bad wd's and then i was pretty ok.  Then the 6 week program ended and I have been really good ever since. Then I found a couple pills in the trunk of my car, took them right away.  It wasn't that great, didn't think about taking anything again til a few weeks later when I found some at my dad's house.  (that's where I used to get them a lot. )I took about 10 (not all at once).  Now, here I am , I am trying to think if times I can sneak over there to get some, trying to decide if I should call my dr and get some, (which would be dumb cause my psychiatrist would know , although I have told him about my slip) .  But again, I am sitting here (supposed to be working, and I I can do is think about how ****** this disease is, why I was doing so well, I mean I am serious here I had no desire to take anything! I thought I was so great cause I had stopped taking everything, I was better than everyone! and that small little slip has turned me back into an anxious, obsessive (and I MEAN obsessive), I am jumping out of my skin right now, about to drive 20 miles and beg for some pills, .  And then what will happen, I will take them and want more!! What is wrong with me !  OK I am going to stop now. Someone please respond.  I am not going to a meeting. they make me more pissed off I'm sorry
9 Responses
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1830012 tn?1336520993
I'am happy u took a positive step forward & came here. U will get much needed support, i promise! I'am only 18 days clean but have been where u r now about 3yrs ago & look back now & boy do i wish i had the strength to say NO cause the past 3yrs my habit went from a 30mg hydro a day habit to some days 80+. Those pills r the devils way of trying to lure u back on his side i promise!! Please don't let him win!!! Take this as a lesson learned & continue to move forward! U desearve it & so does ur family!! Keep us posted please & please don't let the devil win!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi, well, temptation is bound to rear its ugly head no matter who we are or how long we've been clean. This is just my opinion, but you have got to tell your dad to hide his pills and if you find any by accident, be prepared on how you're going to handle it. I found some in a drawer just yesterday. Totally unexpected because I was a "counter" and honestly thought I had gotten rid of all of them. I am not saying it is easy or that I am any better than anyone else, but I immediately flushed them (or tried... the toilet didn't flush the first time).

I do believe you need some sort of support group. You know NA and AA aren't the only options. I am in NA, and there are members who are in other groups. It helps to have someone you can talk to and get encouragement from.

You know you don't want those pills. I really think it is best to sever all ties. Tell your doctor, family, and whomever else that you can get them from. Also, post here as often as you need to work through this. I know it isn't easy. If it were, there would be no addiction.

Best of luck and keep posting. I am sure that others will chime in with advice, suggestions, and encouragement.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I've gone the meeting route but I don't think yhey are for everyone. Preachin' about a meetin' ain't gonna help anyone. You don't need verbal help you already know what to do... You just don't want to do it. Do not go back by your dads for more pills. What you're feeling now is a drop in a bucket compared to what you could feel. Hang on and let this pass or you be right back where you were when you started that out program.
Helpful - 0
2120911 tn?1350922661
Thanks for posting. You are not unique nor alone. I am the type of person who hsa little to no will power....willpower wont last me very long or anyone ....else everyone would be sticking to diets. working out,,, you name it. based on all that has happened it woudl seem insane to take pills again, thats where after care comes in..you dont have to go to AA/NA but they beleive by helping someone else with less time make it through a day helps you make it as well....keep posting, you will read soemthing that helps .....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
OK, I know this will pass, but here's the thing, I have been going by my dad's , I'll find a pill here or there, so, for about 2 weeks I've had 1 or 2 a day, so I can not stop thinking about it. I know I just need to stop going by my dads.  When I first got clean, and the consequences of me using were going to be horrible, I didn't have a problem, but now that I've gotten away with it, I'm totally out of control with the obsessive thoughts, unable to concentrate, etc... I've got all this stuff to do around my house, (I've got 2 kids and a husband) and I;m just thinking, well if I could only get some for the weekend I can get ask this S**T done.  
Believe me, I know the repercussions, I was totally out of control the month before I decided to quit.  And I am SUCH a better person off the pills! Hell, I was even thinking I was better than everyone else I hang out with cause they either drink, smoke pot, or whatever.  I don't need that stuff! God I hate this disease. I knew it was going to easy to be true.
Thanks for listening to me ramble
Helpful - 0
2079321 tn?1333662977
The longer we are sober the easier it is to forget the strong motivation to quit because you're about to lose everything. Sharing your stories and experience helps others. Others sharing their stories help you remember where you came from. I read stories on this form everyday It helps me remember. After 7 years of pain meds I realized I was out of control and everything I did was scheduled around pills. 51 days clean today And I battle with the thought of just 1 today. I quit doing cocaine 30 years ago and I still joke around I don't do it cuz there is enough. Pills to me are the same.
I'm sure you triggered some cravings when you took the few that you had. The cravings will pass if you can just stay away from the pills. Be strong.
Helpful - 0
1700643 tn?1464846682
Ur not rambling.As for us saying SOME SORT OF AFTERCARE IS IMPORTANT to whoever said it isnt well thats incorrect.Maybe not na or aa but something.She has a therapist which IS  someone she talks to&is honest with.Anyway back to u.U r already aware of what ur doing,that its out of control and what needs to b done its just HARD to do.Heres the thing u shouldnt go into sobriety with the"Im better than everyone else"attitude.Ur an addict just like me.Ur friends that drink arent alcoholics,domt obsess over the thought of getting booze.Its not a contest od whos better Concentrate on u.U did it before&ur not n as deep this time.U need to pull urself out of it and that takes so much strength if u dont have it right now as much as it will S U C K tell someone ur husband,dad someone We cant do this alone and ur lucky u dont have to.Ur n my prayers and I have no doubt u will get back on track.This is a disease u know that.Yes taking pills is a choice but your disease is taking over&making the choice for u
Helpful - 0
1767882 tn?1331409169
For me, once I was clean for a month and could think a little bit more clearly, I realized I needed to change how I related to the world, to life. I was using drugs to escape and avoid dealing with life. For me, it was and IS crucial that I deal with the causes and conditions of my addiction. NA/AA has tools for doing this, but many of us go other directions, such as 1on1 or group therapy.
It doesn't matter how you go about dealing with the reasons why you used, but if you don't, chances are excellent you will use again. If you don't believe it, then google something like "how addicts stay clean" or "long term sobriety".
I was using my mother's supply of hydros for years, and since she lives 2000 miles away, I could only get them twice a year when I visited. I didn't use when I was home, so I thought I was OK. This went on for years. Then I managed to get injured and got my own vicodin script. That eventually ran out and I started buying it on the street. six months later I was ready to kill myself;  The drugs had me. I was a wreck. I was broke and sick and had to use to feel god enough to function one more day. Then a light came on and and I got clean. That was almost 4 months ago. Get plugged in to some form of aftercare and you will be glad you did.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just read this again, over a year has past. I got clean in august 2012 and did real good until I had a tooth pulled. I'm not using but damn the obsession is there!
Helpful - 0
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