Aa
wow, it's been too long. I shou;d have stayed around..maybe I wouldn't have screwed up so bad.
Hello everyone. Some of you may remember me from months back..I had been clean from pain pills for
over 6 months, and I've relapsed in the past 6 weeks. I don't want to make excuses and say I needed them for pain,
because I thought I would be able to handle it..stupid me. I mean, I HAD narcotics in my house ALL of my clean time, and never touched them, even when the pain was really bad.I went back to them to numb out from some very stressful situations at home and I know they aren't doing anything to really help me in the long run. I'm doing just that numbing emotional and physical pain. Not healing it.
I feel horrible, guilty, and that I have so let some of you down that I got close to. A lot of the time I couldn't even come on here I felt like I wasn't worth it, I also didn't want to scare some...thinking oh cr#p she had over 6 months and she went back. It really is a lifelong recovery...for me anyways. I see that now.
I'm taking 6 percocet per day sometimes 8, and 20 mg oxy 2 x daily. Should I taper, or try ct? Another reason I was given the oxy's is well...kind of personal and serious..not ready to go there yet with you all, but my doctor told me life would be hell, to say the least without some pain meds.
I'm confused and scared. I can't believe I'm at this place in my life again. I am so sorry to all I've disappointed.
over 6 months, and I've relapsed in the past 6 weeks. I don't want to make excuses and say I needed them for pain,
because I thought I would be able to handle it..stupid me. I mean, I HAD narcotics in my house ALL of my clean time, and never touched them, even when the pain was really bad.I went back to them to numb out from some very stressful situations at home and I know they aren't doing anything to really help me in the long run. I'm doing just that numbing emotional and physical pain. Not healing it.
I feel horrible, guilty, and that I have so let some of you down that I got close to. A lot of the time I couldn't even come on here I felt like I wasn't worth it, I also didn't want to scare some...thinking oh cr#p she had over 6 months and she went back. It really is a lifelong recovery...for me anyways. I see that now.
I'm taking 6 percocet per day sometimes 8, and 20 mg oxy 2 x daily. Should I taper, or try ct? Another reason I was given the oxy's is well...kind of personal and serious..not ready to go there yet with you all, but my doctor told me life would be hell, to say the least without some pain meds.
I'm confused and scared. I can't believe I'm at this place in my life again. I am so sorry to all I've disappointed.
Don't be worried about it. I am sure I had a part in it. Either way, we are all learning all the time.
How are you doing today?
How are you doing today?
Holy ****, do I ever feel bad now for thinking your post was a bit judgemental. I think what you saw was exactly what you said- pattern of addictive behaviour...you outed me on it, and I defended myself-more addictive behaviour. That is why I decided I needed to get myself back in here quickly. I need the honest views. I was just too sensitive at the time, so I do apologize for that. Thank you so much for your post. It was caring, and very insightful ~hugs
Everyone..You guys are the best. You've given me the strength to tackle this head-on. I'm having major issues even loading the med help page most times of the day, but as soon as I can stay on for more than 5 minutes without my computer freezing, I'll start sending out some much deserved messages on a more one-on-one basis.
Thank you all so much!
Avis..I've tapered my one dose of oxy..I now don't take an extra tablet in the morning, and once I see my cardiologist, I'd like to talk with you about a taper plan for the rest of the oxy and the percs...I know you know your stuff on tapers..~hugs ya tight
Everyone..You guys are the best. You've given me the strength to tackle this head-on. I'm having major issues even loading the med help page most times of the day, but as soon as I can stay on for more than 5 minutes without my computer freezing, I'll start sending out some much deserved messages on a more one-on-one basis.
Thank you all so much!
Avis..I've tapered my one dose of oxy..I now don't take an extra tablet in the morning, and once I see my cardiologist, I'd like to talk with you about a taper plan for the rest of the oxy and the percs...I know you know your stuff on tapers..~hugs ya tight
Please accept my apology - I did not want to sound harsh or judgemental. And you are correct - I do not know your specific situation. I will add, though, that there are certain patterns that one can see with people who are struggling, and I thought I sensed that. I am very, very happy to hear that you have been honest with your cariologist - I believe that is an important first step.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain business. Lots of people get tripped up by it. Being in constant pain and agony is no joke - it is depressing, despairing, and all encompassing. I am not judging you because you used the meds. Not at all! I totally get it, really, I do. You did exactly what the addict and/or person in excruciating pain does when faced with pain, fear, frustation, anger, hopelessness, depression, exhaustion, or....on and on - you sought relief. Perhaps when you see the pain specialist, you can figure out how to get under the pain and manage it - then, you'll have more clarity and can decide if you want and/or need some sort of recovery process.
I do sense your desire to be clean - and sometimes it takes a few bumps in the road to do it. But just keep trying, never give up. You are not a bad person! You are just trying to heal from a variety of illnesses. There is no shame in that at all. You are just navigating your way through and evolving in the process. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey. I am sending healing energy your way!
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain business. Lots of people get tripped up by it. Being in constant pain and agony is no joke - it is depressing, despairing, and all encompassing. I am not judging you because you used the meds. Not at all! I totally get it, really, I do. You did exactly what the addict and/or person in excruciating pain does when faced with pain, fear, frustation, anger, hopelessness, depression, exhaustion, or....on and on - you sought relief. Perhaps when you see the pain specialist, you can figure out how to get under the pain and manage it - then, you'll have more clarity and can decide if you want and/or need some sort of recovery process.
I do sense your desire to be clean - and sometimes it takes a few bumps in the road to do it. But just keep trying, never give up. You are not a bad person! You are just trying to heal from a variety of illnesses. There is no shame in that at all. You are just navigating your way through and evolving in the process. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey. I am sending healing energy your way!
Hi and just pick up yourself and go on I am new here but if you done it once you can do it again. Clean time is clean time no matter how large or small.
You came back to post, that was the right and courageous thing to do. I hope all of the replies help, and there have been many.
but...
You said "felt like I wasn't worth it". You are worth it, buttercups. Life has dealt you a terrible hand, and you are fighting. Please never underestimate your worth.
Friend999
but...
You said "felt like I wasn't worth it". You are worth it, buttercups. Life has dealt you a terrible hand, and you are fighting. Please never underestimate your worth.
Friend999
Hey you. Where have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you. I've been all over the U.s. looking for ya. I'm sorry to hear about the relapse but you know **** happens. I think you know what you gotta do. So get to work woman.
I kept relapsing too. I'm taking suboxone because of it. Doing good so far. It's good to see you back, better stick around this time. We are here for you.
I kept relapsing too. I'm taking suboxone because of it. Doing good so far. It's good to see you back, better stick around this time. We are here for you.
Buttercups,
hey hun ,
I am gald to see you , I am sorry to hear about your relapse .How has your health been?,I know what you have can be VERY painful at times . I am here if you need me PLZ remeber that .
avis
hey hun ,
I am gald to see you , I am sorry to hear about your relapse .How has your health been?,I know what you have can be VERY painful at times . I am here if you need me PLZ remeber that .
avis
Ready2help...I really don't think you understand my whole situation in regards to the 6 doctors. They are specialists. My family doctor has retired, and I am trying to find another one, but in Ontario, THAT is no easy task.I came here because I know I DO have a problem, and am going to do everything I can and should to get myself off of the pain meds.I have done it before, even with an ongoing painful disease, and I know this is going to sound like an excuse to you, but I got overwhelmed with pain, emotional and physical in the past 2 months.I spoke with my cardiologist this morning,came out to her that I've hap problems in the past, and NOW with the pain meds, and she is going to try to get me an appt. with a pain specialist.She also told me this morning that I could taper my oxy's...but not past 10mg twice a day until I see her again next week.
I do appreciate your honesty, but imo some of the way you worded a *couple* of things were pretty judgemental. Maybe I'm still in the later stages of denial and am a tad sensitive,I don't know?..But I do know one thing. I want to be CLEAN.
TroubleinOhio...Hi there! First off, congrats on day 11. I'm really proud of you.:)
I have a rare autoimmune disorder that mimics MS neurologically when it gets bad and have also found out in the past couple of months that I have cancer, so I think it was really the emotional dulling I was after.I had a pretty good regimen going of keeping my pain at a reasonable 4-6 on a scale to 10, but after a surgery, then going through a huge pity party...I screwed up bad. But I now see that life's too precious to go through in a fog. I just want to be me again. It's only been 6 weeks back on the meds, but already I was feeling like if I don't taper or c/t now, then I'll be in a huge amount of trouble in the very near future.
Ack. I'm blabbing. Sorry. I'll try to PM more.
You keep up the good work! You rock, sistah. :))))
I do appreciate your honesty, but imo some of the way you worded a *couple* of things were pretty judgemental. Maybe I'm still in the later stages of denial and am a tad sensitive,I don't know?..But I do know one thing. I want to be CLEAN.
TroubleinOhio...Hi there! First off, congrats on day 11. I'm really proud of you.:)
I have a rare autoimmune disorder that mimics MS neurologically when it gets bad and have also found out in the past couple of months that I have cancer, so I think it was really the emotional dulling I was after.I had a pretty good regimen going of keeping my pain at a reasonable 4-6 on a scale to 10, but after a surgery, then going through a huge pity party...I screwed up bad. But I now see that life's too precious to go through in a fog. I just want to be me again. It's only been 6 weeks back on the meds, but already I was feeling like if I don't taper or c/t now, then I'll be in a huge amount of trouble in the very near future.
Ack. I'm blabbing. Sorry. I'll try to PM more.
You keep up the good work! You rock, sistah. :))))
Hi, I remember you too! Im sorry to hear about your relapse,and also about the fact you have legitamite pain issues. What exactly do you have wrong that you see so many specialists? I cant remember your story that much. I have a bunch of stuff wrong with my stupid body too and it sucks so bad to have pain and not be able to use narcotics responsibly. I was clean over 3 months when i relapsed recently too. Im now on day 11 of being clean again. Day 3 was absolute HELLLL but started getting better after that. I still have bad pain today even but Im still doing everything i gotta do. I just hope it gets better after awhile. I Know the last time i quit, my pain level did eventually go back down to a more tolerable level but it took quite a long time before i reached that point.
I will be wishing you happy thoughts and prayers for your recovery, and please keep posting!
I will be wishing you happy thoughts and prayers for your recovery, and please keep posting!
Welcome back - don't spend time moping about it - just move forward. Learn by it!
I need to say something - - 6 different docs? I know you think your specific case and medical situation is so special and unique but believe me, that's the battle cry of every addict I've ever met. Only one doctor should be your pain manager, preferably a truly qualified certified pain specialist (long term narcs make pain worse, all the docs know this - read any current research to see for yourself). And all your docs should know you are an addict - NO EXCEPTIONS. If you don't do this, then you are not ready to be in recovery, I am sorry, I know you are not. You are leaving the door open. And forget about your husband - all of an addict's close relationships are codependent and should go to Alanon and stay out of your recovery. My friend, you are in severe self-will - that is not consistent with recoevery. Please rethink your motives. Get some real treatment, if you want to get clean for the long term. This is a progressive disease. You have no idea how bad it can get. You have no idea how many "lines-in-the-samd" you can potentailly cross.
Please do not be offended by my straight talk - I am deeply passionate about helping those with the disease of addiction and only wish to help. GOOD LUCK!
I need to say something - - 6 different docs? I know you think your specific case and medical situation is so special and unique but believe me, that's the battle cry of every addict I've ever met. Only one doctor should be your pain manager, preferably a truly qualified certified pain specialist (long term narcs make pain worse, all the docs know this - read any current research to see for yourself). And all your docs should know you are an addict - NO EXCEPTIONS. If you don't do this, then you are not ready to be in recovery, I am sorry, I know you are not. You are leaving the door open. And forget about your husband - all of an addict's close relationships are codependent and should go to Alanon and stay out of your recovery. My friend, you are in severe self-will - that is not consistent with recoevery. Please rethink your motives. Get some real treatment, if you want to get clean for the long term. This is a progressive disease. You have no idea how bad it can get. You have no idea how many "lines-in-the-samd" you can potentailly cross.
Please do not be offended by my straight talk - I am deeply passionate about helping those with the disease of addiction and only wish to help. GOOD LUCK!
Of course it was "I remember you well..you're an absolute sweetheart!.I miss a lot of the folks from here..I'm sure there's a lot of new people, and this time I know I won't be running away. Our new computer will be here in 3 weeks, and then I'll be a 'daily' for sure!..lol..Right now this darn PC is so unpredictable and freezes constantly, so there may be spurts where I disappear for a few hours, until it will run again. But after that you're all STUCK with me..:)~
I'm going to PM avis in the morning for a taper plan. I think I want to taper off the oxy first, then taper the percs down. I'm scared, but also VERY nervous/excited/hopeful all at once. I've done it before...I WILL do it again.
Thank you all again, SERIOUSLY. You lifted my spirits tremendously!
I'm going to PM avis in the morning for a taper plan. I think I want to taper off the oxy first, then taper the percs down. I'm scared, but also VERY nervous/excited/hopeful all at once. I've done it before...I WILL do it again.
Thank you all again, SERIOUSLY. You lifted my spirits tremendously!
Support goes both ways, remember. I help you and you help me. LOL It is good to see you back. Stick around. There are still many that you will remember.
i hope that wasw a good remember yoou well...lol
i am glad you have a plan that will make it easier, altough you and i both know nothing makes it easy.
i agree with gtmi you need to taper. and if you need a schedule avis can help you with that. stay connected here. you know there is great support here.
you can do it
cathy
i am glad you have a plan that will make it easier, altough you and i both know nothing makes it easy.
i agree with gtmi you need to taper. and if you need a schedule avis can help you with that. stay connected here. you know there is great support here.
you can do it
cathy
Thank you all for all the QUICK replies. You folks are the best, ya know?
I know avis is good for tapers, so maybe I'll PM her. I don't know if she has advice for oxy tapers. Hope so!
All of you keep hanging in there. This forum is the BEST for support. I'm sorry that I didn't stay, and do my part supporting all of you.
~hugs
I know avis is good for tapers, so maybe I'll PM her. I don't know if she has advice for oxy tapers. Hope so!
All of you keep hanging in there. This forum is the BEST for support. I'm sorry that I didn't stay, and do my part supporting all of you.
~hugs
Hi Cathy. I remember you well, too.:)
Well, I was doing good on my clean time with anti-inflammatories, ketoprofen, glucosomine and some vitamins my pharmasist gave me. I have some bad days, but hot soaks a BOX load of icy hot patches..lol
But my condition has gotten worse, a lot worse..but I just know the cycle...the meds stop working...you build up a tolerance..the doctor doles out higher doses..and BAM....you feel like there's no way out.
I'm going to try to get into a holistic center if possible, andhope and pray they can relieve some of the pain.
Well, I was doing good on my clean time with anti-inflammatories, ketoprofen, glucosomine and some vitamins my pharmasist gave me. I have some bad days, but hot soaks a BOX load of icy hot patches..lol
But my condition has gotten worse, a lot worse..but I just know the cycle...the meds stop working...you build up a tolerance..the doctor doles out higher doses..and BAM....you feel like there's no way out.
I'm going to try to get into a holistic center if possible, andhope and pray they can relieve some of the pain.
Good for you. Taper it is. don't stress the body by going too fast. You can do this and we are here for you. I am off & on but I stay close so PM me if you need to get a hold of me. don't beat yourself up over this. We all have had some sort of breakdowns with substances.
I missed you, gtmi.:)
I have about 6 doctors right now...well, all diff specialists. I'm not doctor shopping or anything. My family doctor knows of my addiction history, but he retired. Right now I haven't told any of the specialists of my addictive nature, because like I said, before I could have them in the house and not think of them one bit.I'm going to have to tell all of the specialists though, because right now they keep trying to up my pain meds after they see my new mri's, scans and bloodwork.
My husband could definitely dole out for a taper plan. I would go c/t..but I know that it may send me medical condition for the worse, just from the stress on my body. W/d's suck bad, but I've gone that route before, and I'm a believer that the more you suffer, the more you'll remember what hell it is to ever go through again.If it weren't for my medical state already, I'd bite the bullet and cold turkey it.
It feels better getting it out, though. Like I can get a plan in place now.
I have about 6 doctors right now...well, all diff specialists. I'm not doctor shopping or anything. My family doctor knows of my addiction history, but he retired. Right now I haven't told any of the specialists of my addictive nature, because like I said, before I could have them in the house and not think of them one bit.I'm going to have to tell all of the specialists though, because right now they keep trying to up my pain meds after they see my new mri's, scans and bloodwork.
My husband could definitely dole out for a taper plan. I would go c/t..but I know that it may send me medical condition for the worse, just from the stress on my body. W/d's suck bad, but I've gone that route before, and I'm a believer that the more you suffer, the more you'll remember what hell it is to ever go through again.If it weren't for my medical state already, I'd bite the bullet and cold turkey it.
It feels better getting it out, though. Like I can get a plan in place now.
hi and yes i remember you. please dont feel you let any one down here. we are all addicts and know that a part of recovery is realizing you cant go back. even when our addict brain kicks in and tells us we can. we cant. you have learned from your relapse and now it is time to move on. but, i have to ask how you plan to deal with the pain if your dr told you life was going to be hell with out the pain pills? when you were off the pills how did you deal with the pain?
as far as going ct or tapering goes, you have to decide that one. i was on a MUCH higher dose of oxy and went ct. it was hell for sure, but i made it. i could not taper, the addict in me could not do it. it is hard. i think taper drags out the w/ds for so long, cuz you are in w/ds to some extent the whole time. how did you do it before?
you know you can do this. just get back up and dust off and get moving forward. if you need someone to talk to please let me know. i am here for you.
good luck and get moving
cathy
as far as going ct or tapering goes, you have to decide that one. i was on a MUCH higher dose of oxy and went ct. it was hell for sure, but i made it. i could not taper, the addict in me could not do it. it is hard. i think taper drags out the w/ds for so long, cuz you are in w/ds to some extent the whole time. how did you do it before?
you know you can do this. just get back up and dust off and get moving forward. if you need someone to talk to please let me know. i am here for you.
good luck and get moving
cathy
I am sorry. Try not to be so hard on yourseld and just channel those feelings into getting clean again. For me personally, if you can find the time to be free of responsibilities I think going cold turkey is best. I think tapering is hard because if you let yourself take some pills but not enough to get high then it is really hard not to take more. THat is just for me maybe not for everyone.
Welcome back. I remember you. I joined in December too. You may have just learned a good lesson. Once an addict, you can't usually go back to them without them taking over again. Tapering is always better but very hard for addicts to do. Is there someone that can dole them out to you? Or do you have the discipline to taper by yourself? As to the personal, serious. Does your Dr know of your addiction history? There may be alternatives that can help you without making you an addict again.
I should also add I haven't been on an benzos, or rx sleep aids. They were offered to me, and I turned them down. I thought the pain pills will enough to have to deal with getting off.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
