Aa
you never have to use again
Hello M/h family.... im gratful to bee here clean..today I would like to address those with long term clean time we often get asked how do you do it?? for most of those with a successful recovery we uise Aftercare... there are many types of that for some a pastor and truing it over to God works for others a substance abuse counselor works I even tryed a shrink for me I tried all of the above but it wasent till I hit the rooms of N/A that I finely found long term recovery...just because your detox and not on the pills does not equal recovery you still think and act like a addict in time it will bring you down this is a disease and has to be treated like one if your in the begging stages of this please let our example show you the way as for our veterans with a yr or more clean please post just how you do this long term so our newbees can see what it takes..with recovery ..............Gnarly...........................................
Thanks for posting you can see life can be very trying for all of us but it is up to you ever day to decide if your going to use or not
.........................................Gnarly........................................
Well I hadn't planned on doing this yet but a poster asked me about this so I posted for him and I thought...okay, it is time for me to be really humble and share my story:
Hi My name is Kaye and I'm an Addict.
It all started when I was a very tiny little girl I think. My father was a functioning, full out violent alcoholic. He beat my mother and brother all the time. He did not beat me (he said later it was because he was scared of me) but I was emotionally abused all the time by both parents. By the time I was a teenager I believed everything they told me...that I was ugly, that I was dumb, that I was worthless and that I wouldn't amount to a thing. Well, what did I do? Set out to prove them right (stupid yeah?)
In those days I experimented (the 70's) with pot, cocaine, lsd and whatever else that came my way...and my favorite were downers. I never got addicted...I always quit before I got addicted because I was scared to death of turning into my parents. I chose not to have children and God made sure I couldn't have children. I thought to myself "See? Even God thinks I'm worthless and shouldn't have children"
Here I am in my late 20's, working, lonely and very, very shy. I met a man, my future husband, who was very outgoing, loving, everything that I'm not. We understood each other right off the bat ... but the problem was he had been a junkie for about 10 years at that point. I told him he could only have one of us...not both of us. He chose me and never touched the needle again.
A few years later we are in a serious relationship, I'm starting to show signs of medical issues my mother has....bone spurs, high bp, high cholesterol, arthritis, knee and shoulder issues. My hubby was by this point diagnosed with the most viral form of Hep C and was waiting for a transplant. I was taking any pain medicine the doctors would give me so I could survive taking care of my hubby. I still hadn't a clue about what these drugs were doing to me or about the addiction problem for long-term pain patients.
Over the next 10 years I worked, took care of hubby during his various medical issues and continued to take the pills. A few years ago I noticed I was starting to take more than prescribed...sometimes only one or two but sometimes 10 .... this scared the heck out of me! In the middle of all this I found out my father was dying of acute alcoholism--to do with his liver. He refused to talk to me at all ... still blaming me and everyone else for his disease. It broke my heart but I do realize it is not my fault....he was just a sick man. My brother refused to send me anything of my father's, he even refused to tell me where he spread my father's ashes. I know it irritates my brother that his daughter and I have a relationship. Bro and I went two different paths...Rod denies (and I mean he really denies...according to what Dom says the childhood he tells Dom about isn't anywhere close to the truth)...my mother and I prefer to look the truth in the face and deal with it. We put the D in Dysfunctional for sure!
During this time I noticed other issues...thinking to myself oh I could snag one of those empty prescription forms (I didn't) or if I ask around I should be able to find someone who deals this stuff (I didn't ask). All I knew is I had a problem.
I told my hubby...I had to because he was dealing with his legitimate surgical issues and he needed to know. He was, as always, very supportive of me. He locked up all his drugs into an iron gun safe. We destroyed and threw away mine. I have no way to get into his safe. I had been lurking on this website for a little while and I finally opened my mouth and did the hardest thing I ever did in my life... I asked for help and I got it...tons of it and thank the good lord for that.
NA is not really for me because I clam up in groups of 2 or more people though if there is nothing else available I will go and just listen. I see my pastor twice a week and we deal with my addiction issues, I also am now seeing an addiction counselor, exercising several times a week and working with an online substance abuse support group. So far this after care program is working for me. I'm learning what triggers I have so I can work on them.
If you had asked me 64 days ago if I could do this I would have said hell no...but now I say oh hells yeah! Anyone who has the drive and determination to get sober and stay sober can do this. All it requires is a bit of time to feel like crap, opening your soul up to complete strangers who nonetheless want nothing more than to help you and lots and lots of aftercare.
After reading the stories in this posting my story seems rather mild but for me, given the way I grew up, my story was huge in my mind. I thought I was the most worthless stupid person on the planet. How could I be so dumb as to believe the doctors. How could I abuse pills when the man I love more than life itself is fighting to stay alive? How? How? How?
I realized today that I have more friends now than I ever have in my entire life. These are friends who will not judge me, that will be honest with me and that will do whatever it takes to make sure I stay on the right path....and I'm willing to do the same for whoever needs me.
I'm learning to be patient (not easy for me) and I'm realizing that I can live life without the pills. It isn't easy but my life has never been easy...I used to ask God when I was a little girl why he didn't help me. Because he didn't help me I wasn't very religious. One day I realized that God WAS helping me. He left me alone to follow my path so I would gather the strength I would need later in life. Because God was waiting....for that time when I was going to really, really need him.
For now I'm sticking with my aftercare program and I will continue to help here with my MH Family when I can because I truly believe we get back what we put out there. Like most in here I'm a caretaker...I'm trying very hard to do what my doctor wants...which is to put myself first now and then...and my hubby is nagging on me about that. He wants me to succeed. Have I mentioned what a terrific man he is? Well, he is and I'm very lucky.
I thank the Lord daily for leading me to this website...without it I don't think I would have found that last bit of courage that I needed.
Hi My name is Kaye and I'm an Addict.
It all started when I was a very tiny little girl I think. My father was a functioning, full out violent alcoholic. He beat my mother and brother all the time. He did not beat me (he said later it was because he was scared of me) but I was emotionally abused all the time by both parents. By the time I was a teenager I believed everything they told me...that I was ugly, that I was dumb, that I was worthless and that I wouldn't amount to a thing. Well, what did I do? Set out to prove them right (stupid yeah?)
In those days I experimented (the 70's) with pot, cocaine, lsd and whatever else that came my way...and my favorite were downers. I never got addicted...I always quit before I got addicted because I was scared to death of turning into my parents. I chose not to have children and God made sure I couldn't have children. I thought to myself "See? Even God thinks I'm worthless and shouldn't have children"
Here I am in my late 20's, working, lonely and very, very shy. I met a man, my future husband, who was very outgoing, loving, everything that I'm not. We understood each other right off the bat ... but the problem was he had been a junkie for about 10 years at that point. I told him he could only have one of us...not both of us. He chose me and never touched the needle again.
A few years later we are in a serious relationship, I'm starting to show signs of medical issues my mother has....bone spurs, high bp, high cholesterol, arthritis, knee and shoulder issues. My hubby was by this point diagnosed with the most viral form of Hep C and was waiting for a transplant. I was taking any pain medicine the doctors would give me so I could survive taking care of my hubby. I still hadn't a clue about what these drugs were doing to me or about the addiction problem for long-term pain patients.
Over the next 10 years I worked, took care of hubby during his various medical issues and continued to take the pills. A few years ago I noticed I was starting to take more than prescribed...sometimes only one or two but sometimes 10 .... this scared the heck out of me! In the middle of all this I found out my father was dying of acute alcoholism--to do with his liver. He refused to talk to me at all ... still blaming me and everyone else for his disease. It broke my heart but I do realize it is not my fault....he was just a sick man. My brother refused to send me anything of my father's, he even refused to tell me where he spread my father's ashes. I know it irritates my brother that his daughter and I have a relationship. Bro and I went two different paths...Rod denies (and I mean he really denies...according to what Dom says the childhood he tells Dom about isn't anywhere close to the truth)...my mother and I prefer to look the truth in the face and deal with it. We put the D in Dysfunctional for sure!
During this time I noticed other issues...thinking to myself oh I could snag one of those empty prescription forms (I didn't) or if I ask around I should be able to find someone who deals this stuff (I didn't ask). All I knew is I had a problem.
I told my hubby...I had to because he was dealing with his legitimate surgical issues and he needed to know. He was, as always, very supportive of me. He locked up all his drugs into an iron gun safe. We destroyed and threw away mine. I have no way to get into his safe. I had been lurking on this website for a little while and I finally opened my mouth and did the hardest thing I ever did in my life... I asked for help and I got it...tons of it and thank the good lord for that.
NA is not really for me because I clam up in groups of 2 or more people though if there is nothing else available I will go and just listen. I see my pastor twice a week and we deal with my addiction issues, I also am now seeing an addiction counselor, exercising several times a week and working with an online substance abuse support group. So far this after care program is working for me. I'm learning what triggers I have so I can work on them.
If you had asked me 64 days ago if I could do this I would have said hell no...but now I say oh hells yeah! Anyone who has the drive and determination to get sober and stay sober can do this. All it requires is a bit of time to feel like crap, opening your soul up to complete strangers who nonetheless want nothing more than to help you and lots and lots of aftercare.
After reading the stories in this posting my story seems rather mild but for me, given the way I grew up, my story was huge in my mind. I thought I was the most worthless stupid person on the planet. How could I be so dumb as to believe the doctors. How could I abuse pills when the man I love more than life itself is fighting to stay alive? How? How? How?
I realized today that I have more friends now than I ever have in my entire life. These are friends who will not judge me, that will be honest with me and that will do whatever it takes to make sure I stay on the right path....and I'm willing to do the same for whoever needs me.
I'm learning to be patient (not easy for me) and I'm realizing that I can live life without the pills. It isn't easy but my life has never been easy...I used to ask God when I was a little girl why he didn't help me. Because he didn't help me I wasn't very religious. One day I realized that God WAS helping me. He left me alone to follow my path so I would gather the strength I would need later in life. Because God was waiting....for that time when I was going to really, really need him.
For now I'm sticking with my aftercare program and I will continue to help here with my MH Family when I can because I truly believe we get back what we put out there. Like most in here I'm a caretaker...I'm trying very hard to do what my doctor wants...which is to put myself first now and then...and my hubby is nagging on me about that. He wants me to succeed. Have I mentioned what a terrific man he is? Well, he is and I'm very lucky.
I thank the Lord daily for leading me to this website...without it I don't think I would have found that last bit of courage that I needed.
Hi I'm Eva
Alcoholic & addict
In 1996 I got clean from street drugs going to rehab, NA & some AA. It worked for me every day I worked it. Very active in recovery; had a sponsor, sponsoree's, went to meetings did service work. I was a nurse for 33 years. I started traveling as a consultant. One thing at a time I stopped working it until 2007 when I herniated a disc, then 2 fractures, then 2 surgeries with lots of pain. I did the one thing I thought I would never do started using at work, lost my license went on disability. My pain management doctor decided if I wasn't going to work I should be comfortable & put me on methadone. I sat down on the couch and started waiting to die. One day about 19 days ago I found this site. I thank GOD for bringing me here.
I had no idea I would ever want to live again. But I lurked, read & couldn't stop. I read every minute I was awake. You'll showed me I could live a different way. 17 days ago I quit everything.
I went back to meetings, got a sponsor, church; I get dressed every day no matter how bad I feel & I've had some bad days. You'll have listened to me ramble ask questions over and over; not once done any thing but support me.
I'm so grateful for you, AA, NA & most of all GOD.
This can be done. I haven't felt this far from death in years.
I can feel life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Alcoholic & addict
In 1996 I got clean from street drugs going to rehab, NA & some AA. It worked for me every day I worked it. Very active in recovery; had a sponsor, sponsoree's, went to meetings did service work. I was a nurse for 33 years. I started traveling as a consultant. One thing at a time I stopped working it until 2007 when I herniated a disc, then 2 fractures, then 2 surgeries with lots of pain. I did the one thing I thought I would never do started using at work, lost my license went on disability. My pain management doctor decided if I wasn't going to work I should be comfortable & put me on methadone. I sat down on the couch and started waiting to die. One day about 19 days ago I found this site. I thank GOD for bringing me here.
I had no idea I would ever want to live again. But I lurked, read & couldn't stop. I read every minute I was awake. You'll showed me I could live a different way. 17 days ago I quit everything.
I went back to meetings, got a sponsor, church; I get dressed every day no matter how bad I feel & I've had some bad days. You'll have listened to me ramble ask questions over and over; not once done any thing but support me.
I'm so grateful for you, AA, NA & most of all GOD.
This can be done. I haven't felt this far from death in years.
I can feel life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am an opiate addict and would still be if it were not for this forum. It gave me the strength to cut my sources, the knowledge to know how and the handholding as I moved thru withdrawal.
Hi and I couldn't be happier the folks with long clean time they poured there hearts out with not only there aftercare but there storys if your like me many things posted moved my I was that guy so if your up all night reed the post from top to bottom you may realize that is a life time commitment addiction knows no discrimination as you can see but it is daily progam and most of the long term post you will see this a ''we' thing not a I thing all I know is I in tears I was so tuched by everybody may God bless you all abundantly your friend and fellow addict Mark
Hi my name is Tanya and I'm an addict.... I've been clean since aug 28 2012.
When I was 14 I smoked my first joint and was like hmm this is different...but I got bored of pot and quit for a very long time. At 18 I snorted my first line and was instantly in love....I quit that at 20. Then in 2004 I took my first pill. Well the good ones at least. Lol. Prior to 04 I could take them or leave them. But my husband got in a life changing car wreck and I wanted to escape my nightmare. That's when my nightmare began....at first I used here and there. I spent more time drinking thru his wreck than anything...wow could I drink. Used to build pyramids of cans....but my family hated the way I smelled...so one day I took more pills than usual and was like wow...I feel like I'm drunk but don't stink so nobody will know. I knew.....then in 2006 I fell off a ladder and broke my knee cap and messed up my ribs. I got my first rx for my own pain pills....so instead of asking my husband for one here and there I had a whole big bottle to myself....and I didn't start out abusing them right away. There were days I didn't take any, other days I took a lot...do to pain. Move to 2008 when my daughter fell and popped her hip out of place at the same time I was having surgery after surgeries...I took more pills to dull the pain to help her and cope with my situation. Oh, I also learned to doc shop so I'd never be without pills...I thought I was Hurt and that's why I was abusing...went to pain management waiting for knee replacement and told that doc I was having to take 10 loratabs a day to kill my pain so I could work and the great doctor gave me OxyContin. After knee kept increasing my dose. All the time thinking its physical pain not mental....and I developed a huge problem that was left untreated. Six or more months into my knee replacement I was still in pain and was researching that and found this...started to read and recongnize I too have this same problem. One ain't enough neither is 1000. Went to rehab to get told not now...the knee replacement had issues and I was an addict too.....went back to rehab when I was serious.
In 2012......
I just got tired.
Plain and simple. I was tired of my life, doctors, the whispers, it all.....
After rehab went to meeting like crazy...90 in 90. At least there I could talk to other people who thought their life sux too....
And after three months of no pills I felt better. Well ok a little better. I still hurt but I wasn't tired....so I kept going down this new road....
It was the hardest thing I ever done...I could go thru more life trauma easier than getting off those pills....
MS diagnosis came in 2012 and that dear doctor offered me some of those magic pills and I declined....I KNEW BETTER NOW.....
The way I stay clean is simple....I go to meetings, I am a sponser now. That cracks me up inside, cause I have low self esteem.....I speak at na if you ask me too....and I come here. I Constantly remind myself of what I don't want to go thru again.
Detox.
I also surrendered to a high power and pray each day I won't take any pills..
It gets easier. Now I don't think about pills that much. But golly it was hard.
They say all things heal with time and they are right. I am an addict that hopefully stays clean...just for today
When I was 14 I smoked my first joint and was like hmm this is different...but I got bored of pot and quit for a very long time. At 18 I snorted my first line and was instantly in love....I quit that at 20. Then in 2004 I took my first pill. Well the good ones at least. Lol. Prior to 04 I could take them or leave them. But my husband got in a life changing car wreck and I wanted to escape my nightmare. That's when my nightmare began....at first I used here and there. I spent more time drinking thru his wreck than anything...wow could I drink. Used to build pyramids of cans....but my family hated the way I smelled...so one day I took more pills than usual and was like wow...I feel like I'm drunk but don't stink so nobody will know. I knew.....then in 2006 I fell off a ladder and broke my knee cap and messed up my ribs. I got my first rx for my own pain pills....so instead of asking my husband for one here and there I had a whole big bottle to myself....and I didn't start out abusing them right away. There were days I didn't take any, other days I took a lot...do to pain. Move to 2008 when my daughter fell and popped her hip out of place at the same time I was having surgery after surgeries...I took more pills to dull the pain to help her and cope with my situation. Oh, I also learned to doc shop so I'd never be without pills...I thought I was Hurt and that's why I was abusing...went to pain management waiting for knee replacement and told that doc I was having to take 10 loratabs a day to kill my pain so I could work and the great doctor gave me OxyContin. After knee kept increasing my dose. All the time thinking its physical pain not mental....and I developed a huge problem that was left untreated. Six or more months into my knee replacement I was still in pain and was researching that and found this...started to read and recongnize I too have this same problem. One ain't enough neither is 1000. Went to rehab to get told not now...the knee replacement had issues and I was an addict too.....went back to rehab when I was serious.
In 2012......
I just got tired.
Plain and simple. I was tired of my life, doctors, the whispers, it all.....
After rehab went to meeting like crazy...90 in 90. At least there I could talk to other people who thought their life sux too....
And after three months of no pills I felt better. Well ok a little better. I still hurt but I wasn't tired....so I kept going down this new road....
It was the hardest thing I ever done...I could go thru more life trauma easier than getting off those pills....
MS diagnosis came in 2012 and that dear doctor offered me some of those magic pills and I declined....I KNEW BETTER NOW.....
The way I stay clean is simple....I go to meetings, I am a sponser now. That cracks me up inside, cause I have low self esteem.....I speak at na if you ask me too....and I come here. I Constantly remind myself of what I don't want to go thru again.
Detox.
I also surrendered to a high power and pray each day I won't take any pills..
It gets easier. Now I don't think about pills that much. But golly it was hard.
They say all things heal with time and they are right. I am an addict that hopefully stays clean...just for today
Bravo my dear brave friends. Bravo.
I love you and am so grateful to have you in my life.
xo
Lu
I love you and am so grateful to have you in my life.
xo
Lu
Whew! I was hoping that was a typo from something you had copied and pasted....LOL Just for a sec there, my heart skipped a beat....LOL
well here goes an attempt at telling my story of addiction ....if I look back it realy started at age 14 when I smoked my first joint...went thew adolescence like a typical teenager of my era using and abusing booze and pot mostly,
got into harder stuff when I hit my Junior yr in high school LSD was all the rage and I took to it well, abused it into
my 20s then finely went back to just beer,whiskey and pot till I was 26...my life looked good on the outside had a great job my first home and 2 kids at the time...but inside I was a total mess..would use the booze and the pot to sorta cope with my high performance job stresses ...it was at the age of 26 that I had my first born again experience with God and Jesus Christ became real to me...thats a story in itself but in short it was life changing God had chosen to deliver me from my addictions and for the next few yrs I walked drug and alcohol free till I hit 30 then I was stricken with a back injury ...wound up with a couple of herniated disks in my back and the pain was excruciating so the dr put me on pain pills....it started out so innocently just a pill ever 4 hr to help cope with the pain well after several yrs I finely broke down and had back surgery...was suppose to alleviate the problem but only made it worst..now the pills where no longer working as prescribed and I started doubling up on them...this worked for a wile but also quit working only to find myself taking more and more till near the end I was eating them by the handful trying to chase away the pain...this went on for 10yrs..they put me on every sort of pill out there and none worked the way they where suppose to and I wound up abusing everything they tried ...I liked the buzz I was getting ...I would have to save my daily dose till after work..couldn't perform my job on the pills so I would take my whole dose after work and would wind up all gased up on the pills...at this point in life I was chasing both physical and emotional pain away with the pills ...I had 2 different dr writing scripts so I would never run out of pills...I had dr shopped and found dr to write the scripts I wanted and my pill use was completely out of control and yet I was still living in chronic pain...after much dr shopping I found a pain management dr that was actually interested in getting rid of my chronic back pain he approached it differently then the others he hit it from all angles ...I had told him that although the pills where helping they really dident have the staying power to last all day...I never told him I was abusing them...he said mabe we should try something a bit different...he noted that I had all ready tried every pill out there and nothing was working so he suggested we try methadone..it was strong long lasting and should do the trick he said...so we started out on methadone....I will never forget that day ...the first day I took it I was pain free...I thought to myself this stuff is amazing it actually worked and it didn't have the side effects of the pills I could take it at work and be pain free all day long...it also took away the craving for the pills...although I missed my nightly buzz it was a fair trade being pain free all day long....well as I said this dr approached things differently so along with the methadone I would be required to take spinal shots... epidurals as part of my therapy... these dident seam to help much but I went along with it until I started to develop scare tissue from the shots..so then I told him lets just stick with the meds and skip the shots...I soon found out that if you dident do the whole plan you would get nothing form the dr...so now I was addicted to the methadone and my dr was no longer going to prescribe it if I dident get the shots in my back...we reached an impasse and I had a falling out with my dr...desperate to get the methadone I turned to the local methadone clinic...with my history of pills and already being on the methadone they where happy to help me out ....just so I had there money every week....well as time went on methadone like all the other narcotics I tried would stop working so well so I would have to up my dose periodically went from a low dose all the way up to 150mg witch was all they would allow you to take..I was 5 yrs into my methadone addiction..now it was no longer working for pain control and I had a huge addiction to break free from...so I finely said enough is enough and decided I wanted to get off the methadone I would soon find out this was much eazer said then done...the clinic said I could do a medically supervised withdrawal and drop down 2mg ever 2 weeks....I freaked out..im like ill be on this stuff for another 2 yrs and at this point I was almost 6 yrs into it..so I started out at the clinics drop...going slow but keeping my 2 week take home privileges after some time a nurse friend of mine told me of how she would use methadone to ween babys off heroin and such and they used a taper of 10% every 72 hrs...I thought to myself if its safe for a baby its safe for me..so I took things into my own hand and started to taper off from my take homes..I used jennys formula and it worked well for the most part but I still had a long agonizing road ahead there where "road blocks" as you taper off you get to certain doses and it dosent seam like you can move down without major withdrawals..it hapend at 60 40 and I rember 20ml to be shear hell to break free from so it took a lot longer then I thought it would...I wound up tapering off for 8 1/2 mo to taper down to 1ml...by the time I was at 15ml I had saved enough from my take homes to not have to go to the clinic any more..I just had to be disciplined and stay on my taper to finish weening off it was the last 6ml that where the hardest it was sorta like living in a constant state of withdrawals ever time I went down 1ml I would go thew 4 days of withdrawals so in the end the going was realy ruff but in the end of tapering my final withdrawal was nothing like I imagined it to be...it was not comfortable but it was no worst then tapering down below 5 ml..I guess I just got use to being in a constant state of withdrawal ...so my final withdrawal lasted about 7 days and today im finly free of methadone...its been 85 days today as I write this...god there is so much more to this then what I have writen hear but this gives you a basic idea of what active addiction was like for me.....and in the end it is SO SO WORTH IT....good luck to any one reading this who might be trying the same thing ...message me if I can be of any help or you need more details.... today I live in recovery I had tryed many forms of aftercare a therapist a substance abuse counselor even a shrink...it was when I got to the rooms of N/A that I seen growth I
was desperate to stay clean and although the others helped it did not address the addict living inside of me N/A is a great program if your willing to be honest with yourself and work the 12 steps you to can have a amazing life I still to this day go to 4 meeting a week have a sponcer have sponcee's it is a cheep price to pay for your sanity.................My Name is Mark and I am a addict
got into harder stuff when I hit my Junior yr in high school LSD was all the rage and I took to it well, abused it into
my 20s then finely went back to just beer,whiskey and pot till I was 26...my life looked good on the outside had a great job my first home and 2 kids at the time...but inside I was a total mess..would use the booze and the pot to sorta cope with my high performance job stresses ...it was at the age of 26 that I had my first born again experience with God and Jesus Christ became real to me...thats a story in itself but in short it was life changing God had chosen to deliver me from my addictions and for the next few yrs I walked drug and alcohol free till I hit 30 then I was stricken with a back injury ...wound up with a couple of herniated disks in my back and the pain was excruciating so the dr put me on pain pills....it started out so innocently just a pill ever 4 hr to help cope with the pain well after several yrs I finely broke down and had back surgery...was suppose to alleviate the problem but only made it worst..now the pills where no longer working as prescribed and I started doubling up on them...this worked for a wile but also quit working only to find myself taking more and more till near the end I was eating them by the handful trying to chase away the pain...this went on for 10yrs..they put me on every sort of pill out there and none worked the way they where suppose to and I wound up abusing everything they tried ...I liked the buzz I was getting ...I would have to save my daily dose till after work..couldn't perform my job on the pills so I would take my whole dose after work and would wind up all gased up on the pills...at this point in life I was chasing both physical and emotional pain away with the pills ...I had 2 different dr writing scripts so I would never run out of pills...I had dr shopped and found dr to write the scripts I wanted and my pill use was completely out of control and yet I was still living in chronic pain...after much dr shopping I found a pain management dr that was actually interested in getting rid of my chronic back pain he approached it differently then the others he hit it from all angles ...I had told him that although the pills where helping they really dident have the staying power to last all day...I never told him I was abusing them...he said mabe we should try something a bit different...he noted that I had all ready tried every pill out there and nothing was working so he suggested we try methadone..it was strong long lasting and should do the trick he said...so we started out on methadone....I will never forget that day ...the first day I took it I was pain free...I thought to myself this stuff is amazing it actually worked and it didn't have the side effects of the pills I could take it at work and be pain free all day long...it also took away the craving for the pills...although I missed my nightly buzz it was a fair trade being pain free all day long....well as I said this dr approached things differently so along with the methadone I would be required to take spinal shots... epidurals as part of my therapy... these dident seam to help much but I went along with it until I started to develop scare tissue from the shots..so then I told him lets just stick with the meds and skip the shots...I soon found out that if you dident do the whole plan you would get nothing form the dr...so now I was addicted to the methadone and my dr was no longer going to prescribe it if I dident get the shots in my back...we reached an impasse and I had a falling out with my dr...desperate to get the methadone I turned to the local methadone clinic...with my history of pills and already being on the methadone they where happy to help me out ....just so I had there money every week....well as time went on methadone like all the other narcotics I tried would stop working so well so I would have to up my dose periodically went from a low dose all the way up to 150mg witch was all they would allow you to take..I was 5 yrs into my methadone addiction..now it was no longer working for pain control and I had a huge addiction to break free from...so I finely said enough is enough and decided I wanted to get off the methadone I would soon find out this was much eazer said then done...the clinic said I could do a medically supervised withdrawal and drop down 2mg ever 2 weeks....I freaked out..im like ill be on this stuff for another 2 yrs and at this point I was almost 6 yrs into it..so I started out at the clinics drop...going slow but keeping my 2 week take home privileges after some time a nurse friend of mine told me of how she would use methadone to ween babys off heroin and such and they used a taper of 10% every 72 hrs...I thought to myself if its safe for a baby its safe for me..so I took things into my own hand and started to taper off from my take homes..I used jennys formula and it worked well for the most part but I still had a long agonizing road ahead there where "road blocks" as you taper off you get to certain doses and it dosent seam like you can move down without major withdrawals..it hapend at 60 40 and I rember 20ml to be shear hell to break free from so it took a lot longer then I thought it would...I wound up tapering off for 8 1/2 mo to taper down to 1ml...by the time I was at 15ml I had saved enough from my take homes to not have to go to the clinic any more..I just had to be disciplined and stay on my taper to finish weening off it was the last 6ml that where the hardest it was sorta like living in a constant state of withdrawals ever time I went down 1ml I would go thew 4 days of withdrawals so in the end the going was realy ruff but in the end of tapering my final withdrawal was nothing like I imagined it to be...it was not comfortable but it was no worst then tapering down below 5 ml..I guess I just got use to being in a constant state of withdrawal ...so my final withdrawal lasted about 7 days and today im finly free of methadone...its been 85 days today as I write this...god there is so much more to this then what I have writen hear but this gives you a basic idea of what active addiction was like for me.....and in the end it is SO SO WORTH IT....good luck to any one reading this who might be trying the same thing ...message me if I can be of any help or you need more details.... today I live in recovery I had tryed many forms of aftercare a therapist a substance abuse counselor even a shrink...it was when I got to the rooms of N/A that I seen growth I
was desperate to stay clean and although the others helped it did not address the addict living inside of me N/A is a great program if your willing to be honest with yourself and work the 12 steps you to can have a amazing life I still to this day go to 4 meeting a week have a sponcer have sponcee's it is a cheep price to pay for your sanity.................My Name is Mark and I am a addict
Hi all...my name is Charity , and I am an addict. I have 622 days clean with many many more to come. And....here is my story....
Back in 2001, I had carpal tunnel in both hands, it really was pretty miserable. When I had the test done for my left hand, the doctor said it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. So I had surgeries on both hands. Up until that time, I rarely would even take Tylenol, so when I had the surgeries and was prescribed Vicodin it was a whole new world for me. I did the surgeries one at a time, they actually wanted to do both at the same time and I said hell no. Lol. I have depended on my husband to do a lot of things for me, but he's not brushing my teeth, my hair, or wiping my a$$. Lol. I did the left hand first because it was worse than the right, and still to this day, I'm pretty sure he messed up when he have me the prescriptions because I got one for Tylox, AND one for Vicodin. Geez...I flew about the house like a butterfly, 4 hours after surgery I was ready to do laundry and vacuum. I got thru the surgeries and stopped the narcotics and 6 months later I broke my back in a serious fall. And of course was started on narcotics and was reliving that energy rush that I loved. After awhile though, I didn't get that energy, and it took more and more of the Vicodin, then was prescribed Percs, and it still wasn't enough. Eventually moved on to Methadone in 2003-2004? And stayed on it until 2012. It was so much easier to take it than it was to not take it, if that makes sense. I was TERRIFIED of withdrawal. But I had gotten to a point that there really was no other option for me. I didn't like the person I had become, actually I hated that person. The first few years on methadone was ok..but after that, I was sluggish all the time, tired, didn't care one way or another about what was going on around me, and I had beautiful children and a wonderful husband who cared about me! But it didn't matter, I still took that stuff everyday, like it was my saviour...and like I said, it was just easier to take it than it was not to. But once I got to the point that I didn't wanna be in my world anymore, and I knew that I wasn't the woman my husband had decided to spend his life with, and that my kids would rather have the neighbor, the bus driver or their teacher for their mother, I knew it was time to change. I know everyone says that it's something you can only do for yourself, but I'm a ppl pleaser, always have been , always will be. Joy, for me, is bringing and seeing joy in others. And I knew that I could give them that joy, and I could give it to myself. So that's what I did. I decided on a special date. New Year's Eve 2012...my mom passed away on New Year's Eve of '94, so it was also for her because I know it would've pained her to see me the way I was. The first few months I "white knuckled" it. Just having my husband and my dad for support. But sometimes you need someone that's on the outside looking in. So I seen an addiction specialist, and that absolutely scared the hell outta me, I just couldn't do it. About 2-3 months after that, I started creeping in on different meetings in my area, just kinda feeling them out. And I found one place, and I just knew I belonged there. I never dreamed it would help me as much as it has. It made me realize that I couldn't do it on willpower alone. I thought I could, but I learned differently. It took me awhile to go because of pride, I won't lie. I didn't want anyone in my little town to know anything about me, but sometimes you just have to tell it to be free of it. And it still works for me today. I don't get to as many meetings as I would like to these days, life has a way of interfering with plans, but I still go a couple times a week, and it's my "sane place". It keeps me grounded and where I need to be. Along with that, the love of my beautiful kids and husband, my job and just life in general, I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be now. And honestly, MH got me on the road. We all preach aftercare here, but that's because it's true! And it's vital!! I still to this day say that I wouldn't be where I am today without the wonderful folks here. I love them all and they all hold a special place in my heart. MH rocks!!! ❤️
Back in 2001, I had carpal tunnel in both hands, it really was pretty miserable. When I had the test done for my left hand, the doctor said it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. So I had surgeries on both hands. Up until that time, I rarely would even take Tylenol, so when I had the surgeries and was prescribed Vicodin it was a whole new world for me. I did the surgeries one at a time, they actually wanted to do both at the same time and I said hell no. Lol. I have depended on my husband to do a lot of things for me, but he's not brushing my teeth, my hair, or wiping my a$$. Lol. I did the left hand first because it was worse than the right, and still to this day, I'm pretty sure he messed up when he have me the prescriptions because I got one for Tylox, AND one for Vicodin. Geez...I flew about the house like a butterfly, 4 hours after surgery I was ready to do laundry and vacuum. I got thru the surgeries and stopped the narcotics and 6 months later I broke my back in a serious fall. And of course was started on narcotics and was reliving that energy rush that I loved. After awhile though, I didn't get that energy, and it took more and more of the Vicodin, then was prescribed Percs, and it still wasn't enough. Eventually moved on to Methadone in 2003-2004? And stayed on it until 2012. It was so much easier to take it than it was to not take it, if that makes sense. I was TERRIFIED of withdrawal. But I had gotten to a point that there really was no other option for me. I didn't like the person I had become, actually I hated that person. The first few years on methadone was ok..but after that, I was sluggish all the time, tired, didn't care one way or another about what was going on around me, and I had beautiful children and a wonderful husband who cared about me! But it didn't matter, I still took that stuff everyday, like it was my saviour...and like I said, it was just easier to take it than it was not to. But once I got to the point that I didn't wanna be in my world anymore, and I knew that I wasn't the woman my husband had decided to spend his life with, and that my kids would rather have the neighbor, the bus driver or their teacher for their mother, I knew it was time to change. I know everyone says that it's something you can only do for yourself, but I'm a ppl pleaser, always have been , always will be. Joy, for me, is bringing and seeing joy in others. And I knew that I could give them that joy, and I could give it to myself. So that's what I did. I decided on a special date. New Year's Eve 2012...my mom passed away on New Year's Eve of '94, so it was also for her because I know it would've pained her to see me the way I was. The first few months I "white knuckled" it. Just having my husband and my dad for support. But sometimes you need someone that's on the outside looking in. So I seen an addiction specialist, and that absolutely scared the hell outta me, I just couldn't do it. About 2-3 months after that, I started creeping in on different meetings in my area, just kinda feeling them out. And I found one place, and I just knew I belonged there. I never dreamed it would help me as much as it has. It made me realize that I couldn't do it on willpower alone. I thought I could, but I learned differently. It took me awhile to go because of pride, I won't lie. I didn't want anyone in my little town to know anything about me, but sometimes you just have to tell it to be free of it. And it still works for me today. I don't get to as many meetings as I would like to these days, life has a way of interfering with plans, but I still go a couple times a week, and it's my "sane place". It keeps me grounded and where I need to be. Along with that, the love of my beautiful kids and husband, my job and just life in general, I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be now. And honestly, MH got me on the road. We all preach aftercare here, but that's because it's true! And it's vital!! I still to this day say that I wouldn't be where I am today without the wonderful folks here. I love them all and they all hold a special place in my heart. MH rocks!!! ❤️
Thank you all for sharing your stories. You give me a lot of hope that I can grapple my demons and win. Maybe the next time you do a post like this and I will share my ugly story. I'm in tears reading some of the things that ya'll have been through and been able to come back to the other side and live again. You humble me!
Well, Gnarly, I'm sure I'm suppose to say thank you for asking me to share. When I began reading this thread, an internal churning began in me. One I have not had since I was asked to be a speaker at a meeting many years ago. I was always quite petrified of getting up in front of people and making myself vulnerable with everyone looking at me. But I asked way back then to be directed as to whether I should accept the out- of-town invitation or say No. The VERY next morning, as I was reading my "24 Hours A Day" meditation book...the bloomin answer was right there in black and white! LOL So I did go speak...and after I told them if I made it thru the first 5 minutes w/o puking or fainting, I'd be all right...I let a power greater than me just take over. Now I am feeling that way again, as none of my MH friends really know my entire story. BUT....I am being told it will surely help someone....so here I go.
My name is Connie and I have been free of my addiction to hydrocodone and soma for 812 days/27 months now. I grew up as the 2nd of 6 children in an alcoholic home. My introduction to drugs and alcohol came at age 14 during my Sophomore yr in high school. I was younger than most my peers and I fell for an older guy who was the epitome of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He forcibly acquainted me with many things I had never been exposed to before. He would "no show" for a date one time and then the very next day, he would leave a new pair of Italian leather boots and a new dress on my front porch! It must have felt "normal"...because my father's behavior was also like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
After doing many different types of drugs and drinking thru my teen and young adult yrs, I found myself at a place where my most routine companion, alcohol, would no longer wash away my emotional pain. I called an inpatient treatment facility and asked if I could come. It was the most life changing experience I have ever had. When I returned home, I did everything suggested by my inpatient counselors. (I never even questioned if I was truly alcoholic)....I changed where I went and who I associated with. I started each and every morning reading new ways of thinking in my daily recovery meditation books. I formed new daily habits...un-learning and re-learning was what I was all about. I went to AA meetings, bonfires, weekend retreats, local and state conferences and all things recovery. I made all new friends and was very involved with others in recovery. I did this for 12-15 yrs and gradually began to crave more spiritual fulfillment as my needs changed. So I pursued other ways to continue my growth in the years that followed.
During that above journey, even at the early age of 21 yrs old, I found a HUGE need for Al-Anon in my life. Not only was I the child of an alcoholic, but I was continually drawn to relationships with alcoholic/addicts. Way before I ever went to treatment, I involved myself in Al-Anon, read their daily ODAT book every single morning and used the principals to find some sanity. During the 12-15 yrs I went to meetings regularly, I also included Al-Anon in my life as well. I was trying to help myself get well in every way possible. I went to ACOA meetings, lectures at the University where I live about addiction and children of alcoholics, etc. I was trying to treat the WHOLE me.
In 2008 I had a horrible car accident and had to be cut out of my car. I was on many pain meds. Bedridden for 3-4 months...made some progress...then as a result of being hit 60 mph from the side, some discs in my back that used to recede with ice and rest REFUSED to recede. By this time my hubby's cobra had run out and of course no one would insure me due to the pre-existing conditions from my accident. The discs were so blown, they were pressing on my left sciatic nerve and made it impossible to walk or even sit on the toilet. I was bedridden and on pain meds for all of 2010 and half of 2011 before we found some $700/mo insurance that would take me. Needless to say, by this time....I was MAJORLY addicted to hydrocodone. Nothing touched the pain. I just read books and took pills.
So this 4 yr debacle ended in June of 2012 when I made up my mind to get off the pills. I was (at my worst) up to 300 mg/day, blowing thru my hubby's script, my script and buying from a guy my hubby knew from one of his past jobs. I have never done anything SO HARD in all my life as getting off opiates!! For ME (and me only)....alcohol was a walk in the park in comparison. I have determined all these yrs later that I misused and abused alcohol....I wasn't addicted to it.
Without my previous foundation....I don't think I ever would have made it.
Getting to the root cause of WHY we mask our emotions is KEY....and being around others that have also walked a mile in the same shoes is a comfort that cannot be found anywhere else. Starting my day with recovery meditations to transform my thinking was also HUGE for me.
I am grateful to all those that have gone before me and paved the way.
I found MH at 55 days in......what a GRAND group this is, huh? I have made friends that I think about night and day. I care about you all...and I love you because I know you understand me.
Thank you, Mark, for forcing me out of my "safe place".....
Much love to each and every one of you reading this.....if you think you "can't do it"....think again. I was scared to quit...and scared NOT to quit
"If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse."
My name is Connie and I have been free of my addiction to hydrocodone and soma for 812 days/27 months now. I grew up as the 2nd of 6 children in an alcoholic home. My introduction to drugs and alcohol came at age 14 during my Sophomore yr in high school. I was younger than most my peers and I fell for an older guy who was the epitome of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He forcibly acquainted me with many things I had never been exposed to before. He would "no show" for a date one time and then the very next day, he would leave a new pair of Italian leather boots and a new dress on my front porch! It must have felt "normal"...because my father's behavior was also like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
After doing many different types of drugs and drinking thru my teen and young adult yrs, I found myself at a place where my most routine companion, alcohol, would no longer wash away my emotional pain. I called an inpatient treatment facility and asked if I could come. It was the most life changing experience I have ever had. When I returned home, I did everything suggested by my inpatient counselors. (I never even questioned if I was truly alcoholic)....I changed where I went and who I associated with. I started each and every morning reading new ways of thinking in my daily recovery meditation books. I formed new daily habits...un-learning and re-learning was what I was all about. I went to AA meetings, bonfires, weekend retreats, local and state conferences and all things recovery. I made all new friends and was very involved with others in recovery. I did this for 12-15 yrs and gradually began to crave more spiritual fulfillment as my needs changed. So I pursued other ways to continue my growth in the years that followed.
During that above journey, even at the early age of 21 yrs old, I found a HUGE need for Al-Anon in my life. Not only was I the child of an alcoholic, but I was continually drawn to relationships with alcoholic/addicts. Way before I ever went to treatment, I involved myself in Al-Anon, read their daily ODAT book every single morning and used the principals to find some sanity. During the 12-15 yrs I went to meetings regularly, I also included Al-Anon in my life as well. I was trying to help myself get well in every way possible. I went to ACOA meetings, lectures at the University where I live about addiction and children of alcoholics, etc. I was trying to treat the WHOLE me.
In 2008 I had a horrible car accident and had to be cut out of my car. I was on many pain meds. Bedridden for 3-4 months...made some progress...then as a result of being hit 60 mph from the side, some discs in my back that used to recede with ice and rest REFUSED to recede. By this time my hubby's cobra had run out and of course no one would insure me due to the pre-existing conditions from my accident. The discs were so blown, they were pressing on my left sciatic nerve and made it impossible to walk or even sit on the toilet. I was bedridden and on pain meds for all of 2010 and half of 2011 before we found some $700/mo insurance that would take me. Needless to say, by this time....I was MAJORLY addicted to hydrocodone. Nothing touched the pain. I just read books and took pills.
So this 4 yr debacle ended in June of 2012 when I made up my mind to get off the pills. I was (at my worst) up to 300 mg/day, blowing thru my hubby's script, my script and buying from a guy my hubby knew from one of his past jobs. I have never done anything SO HARD in all my life as getting off opiates!! For ME (and me only)....alcohol was a walk in the park in comparison. I have determined all these yrs later that I misused and abused alcohol....I wasn't addicted to it.
Without my previous foundation....I don't think I ever would have made it.
Getting to the root cause of WHY we mask our emotions is KEY....and being around others that have also walked a mile in the same shoes is a comfort that cannot be found anywhere else. Starting my day with recovery meditations to transform my thinking was also HUGE for me.
I am grateful to all those that have gone before me and paved the way.
I found MH at 55 days in......what a GRAND group this is, huh? I have made friends that I think about night and day. I care about you all...and I love you because I know you understand me.
Thank you, Mark, for forcing me out of my "safe place".....
Much love to each and every one of you reading this.....if you think you "can't do it"....think again. I was scared to quit...and scared NOT to quit
"If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse."
My name is Denise, and I am an addict and an alcoholic,
Great thread.
It was this forum that gave me the courage to face my fentynal addiction recently after finding no help from the Medical community, it was here I sought guidance from those who have gone before me. I have been a member of AA for 17 years and still sober, however have struggled for years with opiate addiction from a horrendous auto accident as a result of my drinking.
3&1/2 months ago was able to become honest, and willing to address my opiate addiction and detoxed from fentynal patches prescribed by my PC 7 weeks ago. It was a hard process, but I did. But not alone !
I wish I could say it has brought to me a place of peace, thats not so, yet I know in time it will.
I no longer live in fear of dying of this disease and yearn to live a healthy and productive life sparing and helping others thru my own experinces, as others have helped me.
Once I become honest, anything now is possible. Life, well life from the beginning has not been kind, however I am no longer a victim to my past, and after years of , abuse, addiction, and alcoholism I managed to become a person with empathy and compassion despite the hardship. The world needs more of us. We are not horrible people, we are sick people with a disease that wants us dead. And it waits there for every vulnerable moment we have to pull us back in so easily.
Yet as said, once you stop " You Never Have To Use Again "
The path of recovery has renewed my faith, that things will be ok, as long as I am honest about my addictions. And allow others to see me as my true authentic self, even at times I refused to shine.
But I couldn't and can't do it alone.
I've hurt many people in my life sometimes unknowingly thinking my addiction only effected me. I've learn the hard way that is not true.
I became teachable, and learned that I was allowed to forgive myself. Maybe not right away.
But once out of the grips of addiction we become selfless people, and that's what I love about recovery.
And if you're new to this idea of recovery, hold it dearly, as it is a gift beyond your wildest dreams.
Relasp is not a requirement, we've been thru enough. And for me. I don't fear another relasp, I fear another recovery, that I may not be gifted.
Great thread.
It was this forum that gave me the courage to face my fentynal addiction recently after finding no help from the Medical community, it was here I sought guidance from those who have gone before me. I have been a member of AA for 17 years and still sober, however have struggled for years with opiate addiction from a horrendous auto accident as a result of my drinking.
3&1/2 months ago was able to become honest, and willing to address my opiate addiction and detoxed from fentynal patches prescribed by my PC 7 weeks ago. It was a hard process, but I did. But not alone !
I wish I could say it has brought to me a place of peace, thats not so, yet I know in time it will.
I no longer live in fear of dying of this disease and yearn to live a healthy and productive life sparing and helping others thru my own experinces, as others have helped me.
Once I become honest, anything now is possible. Life, well life from the beginning has not been kind, however I am no longer a victim to my past, and after years of , abuse, addiction, and alcoholism I managed to become a person with empathy and compassion despite the hardship. The world needs more of us. We are not horrible people, we are sick people with a disease that wants us dead. And it waits there for every vulnerable moment we have to pull us back in so easily.
Yet as said, once you stop " You Never Have To Use Again "
The path of recovery has renewed my faith, that things will be ok, as long as I am honest about my addictions. And allow others to see me as my true authentic self, even at times I refused to shine.
But I couldn't and can't do it alone.
I've hurt many people in my life sometimes unknowingly thinking my addiction only effected me. I've learn the hard way that is not true.
I became teachable, and learned that I was allowed to forgive myself. Maybe not right away.
But once out of the grips of addiction we become selfless people, and that's what I love about recovery.
And if you're new to this idea of recovery, hold it dearly, as it is a gift beyond your wildest dreams.
Relasp is not a requirement, we've been thru enough. And for me. I don't fear another relasp, I fear another recovery, that I may not be gifted.
This is a beautiful thread and I am so happy to have found it.
I had never been addicted to anything other than cigarettes. I never really liked being drunk, or high, to be honest the loss of control scared the sh*t out of me. I've also been a 'good girl' my whole life. I believed I had to be perfect for people to love me and so I nearly killed myself trying to be perfect for everyone and everything. When I was 27 years old I was just becoming successful at my chosen career path. I was a beautiful and well trained actor and I got my first big break. An indie film that did well on the Film Festival circuit. Right before the movie came out I was in a bar with a bunch of actor friends and I looked across the room and made eye contact with a man. It was love at first sight. This was a VERY destructive relationship. He was jealous and controlling and I gave up my career as an actor that I had worked ten years to build because he gave me an ultimatum. My career or him. I was so addicted to him and the rush of our tumultuous relationship that I sold my soul just to be with him. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I never went to the film premiere at the biggest film festival in the world. I left my agent and I went to work in sales because that was a career he deemed acceptable.
Even after doing everything he asked, he still would not commit to me. I never slept and lived in constant fear that he would take his love away and I would have nothing.
Then my body fell apart. It was slow at first and then very fast. I lost a huge amount of weight. I was in the ER twice a month with severe abdominal pain and dehydration. I woke up and could not walk because my legs were so sore and swollen. Still I continued to go running with him and away on our outdoor adventures. I kept up appearances and didn't tell anyone of my suffering because I was so afraid he would leave me.
Finally, on a business trip we were on in Banff I collapsed one night. He took me to the ER and I was flown home to Vancouver where I saw a G.I. specialist who diagnosed me with Crohn's Disease. I was given my first opiate and put on about 8 different medications as I was a very sick girl indeed. My boyfriend couldn't deal with my illness and as I could no longer take care of myself and work, I left him and moved home to the island to live with my parents. I almost died twice from bad drug reactions to treat the Crohn's and Rheumatoid Arthritis I was diagnosed with. Truthfully, I wanted to die. I spent three weeks in hospital being fed intraveneously through my heart because my colon stopped working entirely.
I got a little bit better and decided to go to nursing school. WHAT???
I was an actress and a damned good one. I decided to become a nurse because this was what my toxic ex wanted me to be. He still didn't love me or come back to me and I eventually had to drop out after collapsing at school in the lab and back to the hospital for another 3 weeks. My fellow nursing students taking care of me.
I lived for years in my bedroom in my parents basement. Taking huge amounts of opiates to deal with the constant pain and suffering. My Crohn's went into remission, as did my RA and my doctor told me I was no longer needing the opiates. When I told him I was still in pain he did not believe me. He sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with possible borderline personality disorder and grandeur issues. He didn't believe that someone so physically attractive and articulate could be so sick. This scared the crap out of me so I cold turkeyed all my meds including opiates, benzos, and steroids. I had a series of seizures and my adrenal system crashed. Back to the hospital. I stayed on the benzos but left the opiates behind. I met a man through some friends. He was not a good looking or successful man and at first he was very sweet and kind to me. I was so desperate for love, so desperate to get out of my parents basement, that I moved in with him after only 3 months of dating. My pain got worse and I was in bed constantly. I started bleeding for 3 weeks every month. I was finally referred to an endometriosis doctor in the city who diagnosed me with stage 4 endo via lap. She told me my best bet was total excision surgery and then to get pregnant. So when my boyfriend proposed to me at Christmas that year I said yes.
He turned out to be an alcoholic and cocaine addict. Throughout our engagement and marriage I had two major surgeries to reconstruct my uterus so we could conceive. He started not coming home at night, and not coming home for days. When he did he would force me to have sex with him. Even 2 weeks post-op. He would berate me and call me names and tell me I was worthless and no one would ever love me but him. I believed him.
I told no one.
He hurt me during sex so bad that he bit off a large chunk of my flesh on my breast. My mom noticed when we were shopping one day and she took me to the Women's shelter to see a counselor. The counselor told me I was being abused and I needed help. I agreed but I still went back to him after a few days.
It escalated over a period of six months and I stopped using my opiates and started abusing them. I don't even want to tell you how many pills I was taking a day but it was A LOT. I was on Fentanyl patches, and taking oxy and dialaudid. Then, about ten weeks after my final reconstructive surgery my husband came home at 5 am. He tried to force me into sex but I was so revolted, and exhausted that I locked myself in the guest room and barred it with the dresser. I waited until he passed out. I packed a bag, called my Dad to come and get me, took my dog and left.
I never went back.
I decided I had to get off ALL the drugs. I tapered for a full year but I felt so depressed- suicidally depressed, that I finally jumped cold turkey. That night I found this site and all my beautiful friends here.
Sarah, Gnarly, Vickie, IBK- these lovely folks made my first hours and days bearable. I stuck it out. I read a lot.
I wasn't sure I was an addict. I did a lot of soul searching.
I tried every recovery program I could find.
I settled on SMART recovery, CBT, and EMDR for my PTSD.
I started doing hot yoga every day and spending hours hiking in the woods with my dogs.
I started volunteering at the Women's shelter and ended up getting involved in the VDAY cause to end violence against women and girls. I directed my first play in honour of this cause. Then I volunteered to work with a group of women who were all in recovery, both from abuse and drugs/alcohol. I taught them how to write monologues about their experiences. I did this along side of them and we performed it for the community. It was the most empowering thing I have ever done.
Then I went back to teaching drama and dance to children. I decided to open a business doing just that. It was a dream come true. I built my business and I met a man through there and we fell in love. We decided we wanted to have a baby.
Then, my endo came back in October of last year. I denied it as long as I could but finally went to the doctor,
I am awaiting surgery on Oct 8th and I AM taking opiates.
But I am NOT abusing them.
I am still working my recovery.
The difference between me then and me now is that I love myself. I really, really do. Unconditionally. I know I am strong and worthy of every happiness in the world.
I reach out constantly and I am learning to ask for help.
I no longer believe I have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
I AM LOVE.
Thank you for hearing my story.
Thank you for sharing yours with me.
Love
Lu
I had never been addicted to anything other than cigarettes. I never really liked being drunk, or high, to be honest the loss of control scared the sh*t out of me. I've also been a 'good girl' my whole life. I believed I had to be perfect for people to love me and so I nearly killed myself trying to be perfect for everyone and everything. When I was 27 years old I was just becoming successful at my chosen career path. I was a beautiful and well trained actor and I got my first big break. An indie film that did well on the Film Festival circuit. Right before the movie came out I was in a bar with a bunch of actor friends and I looked across the room and made eye contact with a man. It was love at first sight. This was a VERY destructive relationship. He was jealous and controlling and I gave up my career as an actor that I had worked ten years to build because he gave me an ultimatum. My career or him. I was so addicted to him and the rush of our tumultuous relationship that I sold my soul just to be with him. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I never went to the film premiere at the biggest film festival in the world. I left my agent and I went to work in sales because that was a career he deemed acceptable.
Even after doing everything he asked, he still would not commit to me. I never slept and lived in constant fear that he would take his love away and I would have nothing.
Then my body fell apart. It was slow at first and then very fast. I lost a huge amount of weight. I was in the ER twice a month with severe abdominal pain and dehydration. I woke up and could not walk because my legs were so sore and swollen. Still I continued to go running with him and away on our outdoor adventures. I kept up appearances and didn't tell anyone of my suffering because I was so afraid he would leave me.
Finally, on a business trip we were on in Banff I collapsed one night. He took me to the ER and I was flown home to Vancouver where I saw a G.I. specialist who diagnosed me with Crohn's Disease. I was given my first opiate and put on about 8 different medications as I was a very sick girl indeed. My boyfriend couldn't deal with my illness and as I could no longer take care of myself and work, I left him and moved home to the island to live with my parents. I almost died twice from bad drug reactions to treat the Crohn's and Rheumatoid Arthritis I was diagnosed with. Truthfully, I wanted to die. I spent three weeks in hospital being fed intraveneously through my heart because my colon stopped working entirely.
I got a little bit better and decided to go to nursing school. WHAT???
I was an actress and a damned good one. I decided to become a nurse because this was what my toxic ex wanted me to be. He still didn't love me or come back to me and I eventually had to drop out after collapsing at school in the lab and back to the hospital for another 3 weeks. My fellow nursing students taking care of me.
I lived for years in my bedroom in my parents basement. Taking huge amounts of opiates to deal with the constant pain and suffering. My Crohn's went into remission, as did my RA and my doctor told me I was no longer needing the opiates. When I told him I was still in pain he did not believe me. He sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with possible borderline personality disorder and grandeur issues. He didn't believe that someone so physically attractive and articulate could be so sick. This scared the crap out of me so I cold turkeyed all my meds including opiates, benzos, and steroids. I had a series of seizures and my adrenal system crashed. Back to the hospital. I stayed on the benzos but left the opiates behind. I met a man through some friends. He was not a good looking or successful man and at first he was very sweet and kind to me. I was so desperate for love, so desperate to get out of my parents basement, that I moved in with him after only 3 months of dating. My pain got worse and I was in bed constantly. I started bleeding for 3 weeks every month. I was finally referred to an endometriosis doctor in the city who diagnosed me with stage 4 endo via lap. She told me my best bet was total excision surgery and then to get pregnant. So when my boyfriend proposed to me at Christmas that year I said yes.
He turned out to be an alcoholic and cocaine addict. Throughout our engagement and marriage I had two major surgeries to reconstruct my uterus so we could conceive. He started not coming home at night, and not coming home for days. When he did he would force me to have sex with him. Even 2 weeks post-op. He would berate me and call me names and tell me I was worthless and no one would ever love me but him. I believed him.
I told no one.
He hurt me during sex so bad that he bit off a large chunk of my flesh on my breast. My mom noticed when we were shopping one day and she took me to the Women's shelter to see a counselor. The counselor told me I was being abused and I needed help. I agreed but I still went back to him after a few days.
It escalated over a period of six months and I stopped using my opiates and started abusing them. I don't even want to tell you how many pills I was taking a day but it was A LOT. I was on Fentanyl patches, and taking oxy and dialaudid. Then, about ten weeks after my final reconstructive surgery my husband came home at 5 am. He tried to force me into sex but I was so revolted, and exhausted that I locked myself in the guest room and barred it with the dresser. I waited until he passed out. I packed a bag, called my Dad to come and get me, took my dog and left.
I never went back.
I decided I had to get off ALL the drugs. I tapered for a full year but I felt so depressed- suicidally depressed, that I finally jumped cold turkey. That night I found this site and all my beautiful friends here.
Sarah, Gnarly, Vickie, IBK- these lovely folks made my first hours and days bearable. I stuck it out. I read a lot.
I wasn't sure I was an addict. I did a lot of soul searching.
I tried every recovery program I could find.
I settled on SMART recovery, CBT, and EMDR for my PTSD.
I started doing hot yoga every day and spending hours hiking in the woods with my dogs.
I started volunteering at the Women's shelter and ended up getting involved in the VDAY cause to end violence against women and girls. I directed my first play in honour of this cause. Then I volunteered to work with a group of women who were all in recovery, both from abuse and drugs/alcohol. I taught them how to write monologues about their experiences. I did this along side of them and we performed it for the community. It was the most empowering thing I have ever done.
Then I went back to teaching drama and dance to children. I decided to open a business doing just that. It was a dream come true. I built my business and I met a man through there and we fell in love. We decided we wanted to have a baby.
Then, my endo came back in October of last year. I denied it as long as I could but finally went to the doctor,
I am awaiting surgery on Oct 8th and I AM taking opiates.
But I am NOT abusing them.
I am still working my recovery.
The difference between me then and me now is that I love myself. I really, really do. Unconditionally. I know I am strong and worthy of every happiness in the world.
I reach out constantly and I am learning to ask for help.
I no longer believe I have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
I AM LOVE.
Thank you for hearing my story.
Thank you for sharing yours with me.
Love
Lu
I was thinking of brutal honesty and my friend Kyle came to mind, who I miss being around. I just wanted to share his 3 keys to recovery:
Cut ALL sources: doctors, pharmacy, dealers, ALL sources
Tell your secret: no more secrets, get honest with yourself and others
Get Aftercare: AA/NA, counseling, church, don't do it alone, whatever you do.
I know Kyle would have said it better, but those truths truly helped me in my earlier days. Very simple, not easy. Miss one of those things, chances are, you will relapse, tried and true. Thanks Kyle, I miss you.
Cut ALL sources: doctors, pharmacy, dealers, ALL sources
Tell your secret: no more secrets, get honest with yourself and others
Get Aftercare: AA/NA, counseling, church, don't do it alone, whatever you do.
I know Kyle would have said it better, but those truths truly helped me in my earlier days. Very simple, not easy. Miss one of those things, chances are, you will relapse, tried and true. Thanks Kyle, I miss you.
I also want to add that this forum was sent to me by God for sure...i googled addiction and this popped up.. Some of the best people I "know" are on here to help and guide people wanting to get clean and stay that way...So this is a form of my aftercare as well. MH helped save my life for sure! And helped me get to almost 2 years clean!! 2 more months and I will get to that 2 year mark!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I also want to tell some of the people on here that are struggling with custody issues now that it is very important to address your addiction issues first and foremost. Make the custody issues about the child and what is best for them. Dont make it about getting back at your ex. Please dont make the mistakes i did. You have to quit using for YOU, not your children, husband etc. I know the pain, the heartache, the devastation of it all. We have to be able to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone or anything. Find a good recovery program that works for you. It is hard work to face our demons but necessary to move forward. You have the power and are so worth the fight, always remember that.
I also want to mention there is a very special person on MH. She doesnt belong to this forum but i know she reads alot on here. Her name is Manycoloreddays and she is my daughter so you see there is hope as she and i have moved mountains to be mother and daughter again~
I also want to mention there is a very special person on MH. She doesnt belong to this forum but i know she reads alot on here. Her name is Manycoloreddays and she is my daughter so you see there is hope as she and i have moved mountains to be mother and daughter again~
Hey everyone! I'm an addict who abused pain pills..at first, YEARS ago, was just occasional, like most of us for back pain, then I found I loved the energy and "everything's ok" feelings they gave me. So the abuse started getting worse and worse so needless to say, i got creative on how I would get them when I ran out, doctor shopped....etc etc. Never had a street dealer thank God, or i'd prolly be in jail or dead. So my bottom was getting busted at the pharmacy, no legal action was taken thank God. So I took that opportunity to finally get off that horrible ride I had been on for 20+ years. I am still SO grateful for the second chance. Second chance at a clean life. I could have lost BOTH my jobs, and could have lost my life.
What worked for me was finding an addiction counselor, I did meetings for about a year and a half, but like some of the above posters, I also am a caregiver and nurturer by nature and I would find myself depressed after leaving the meetings. So NA did help me in the beginning for sure, but it's not for everyone. I tried several different ones. Also my faith and prayer got me thru some dark times. So to the newbies, try it and if it's not a fit, then try something different!!! There are SO many types of aftercare. You will find one that works for you. Just DON'T GIVE UP.
I also told family, and they are very supportive. I told my doctors and also my pharmacist that I no longer want any narcotics. You HAVE to set up road blocks to ensure a good result. There's too much temptation and also on a bad day, in the early months, it might be hard to resist. Do I still think about the pills??, sure! but I don't crave them anymore. It's like another lifetime...it IS another lifetime ago. I'm happy and I have a great son and daughter in law that gave me two precious, beautiful twin girls. They are my heart! I want to stay clean mostly for myself and to get to watch those beautiful babies grow up!
I'm very lucky to have the opportunities I have now. I've survived breast cancer, abuse, losing both my parents. And lost one of my sisters in a horrible way. So there is hope for ALL of us. You just have to reach down deep inside and find that strength I KNOW we all have. Newbies, you can do this....just hang in there....please don't give up when you have a miracle right around the corner!!
Thanks Weaver for the PM about this post....great posts from everyone!!!
What worked for me was finding an addiction counselor, I did meetings for about a year and a half, but like some of the above posters, I also am a caregiver and nurturer by nature and I would find myself depressed after leaving the meetings. So NA did help me in the beginning for sure, but it's not for everyone. I tried several different ones. Also my faith and prayer got me thru some dark times. So to the newbies, try it and if it's not a fit, then try something different!!! There are SO many types of aftercare. You will find one that works for you. Just DON'T GIVE UP.
I also told family, and they are very supportive. I told my doctors and also my pharmacist that I no longer want any narcotics. You HAVE to set up road blocks to ensure a good result. There's too much temptation and also on a bad day, in the early months, it might be hard to resist. Do I still think about the pills??, sure! but I don't crave them anymore. It's like another lifetime...it IS another lifetime ago. I'm happy and I have a great son and daughter in law that gave me two precious, beautiful twin girls. They are my heart! I want to stay clean mostly for myself and to get to watch those beautiful babies grow up!
I'm very lucky to have the opportunities I have now. I've survived breast cancer, abuse, losing both my parents. And lost one of my sisters in a horrible way. So there is hope for ALL of us. You just have to reach down deep inside and find that strength I KNOW we all have. Newbies, you can do this....just hang in there....please don't give up when you have a miracle right around the corner!!
Thanks Weaver for the PM about this post....great posts from everyone!!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Fanfreakin tastic post! You guys are the bomb. Ohh, and by the way...my nane is Melissa....and i am an addict...that has a disease that is now, for the first time, being treated!
Wonderful post!!!!!
Wonderful post!!!!!
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