At the end of December I took mushrooms and had a very bad trip. I don’t remember most of what happened but from what I do remember, everything was great at first and I was thinking about cliché, mind-expanding psychedelic things but then about 2 hours later, it turned on me and I felt like I was dying and woke up about 2 hours later in the hospital, completely disoriented but finally realized what had happened.
I had a noticeable amount of anxiety for about a week afterward but I felt seemingly ok after that. I did have a lot going on however, and wasn’t really in-tune with myself. Also, I was smoking marijuana frequently. Then I left to study abroad in Europe for the semester about 3 weeks later. I was very happy right when I got there and I was fine talking with people and attempting to make new friends. It hadn’t even been two weeks before I felt really homesick and culture shocked. I started to socially withdraw and started to feel like my homesickness and depression slowly turned me into a different, anxiety ridden person. I now have extreme difficulty concentrating on my schoolwork (I can barely write a paper) and even with holding a conversation. I have always been more of a listener than a talker but it has never been like this. I couldn’t even hold a conversation with my best friend.
Before coming to Europe, I smoked marijuana about 3-4 times a week for about 2 years but would take breaks occassionally. This leads me to believe I may have become kind of socially dependent on it, with my personality molded around my frequent use.
I have tried to just suck it up and change my outlook and have oftentimes even woke up in a decent mood, and I go to socialize and I still feel out of place, awkward, and lonely, and the cycle continues. I would like to know if it is likely that this is temporary or if my personality has been changed-whether the bad trip changed me, or if I am just temporarily depressed. Thank you