Enabling someone you love

[jessicasmom123]

My 22 yr old daughter lives with me.  She has a lot of issues, anorexia, maybe bipolar,severe anxiety, lots of unresolved grief from loss of her brother (suicide) 10 yrs ago.  She is currently in giref therapy and has just started seeing a counselor for the anorexia.  She confessed to me about two weeks ago that she had been abusing opiates for awhile, that they were the only thing to make her feel ok.  Since then, I have removed the opiates from the house (had them for grandmother) and she has been without.  She has went through some major withdrawals I can tell.  She has been so angry, wont eat much, stays shut up in her room most of the time, doesnt sleep much at all.  She has been reluctant to go into drug treatment because we cannot locate one that treats ALL her issues, instead of just the drug abuse.  A couple of days ago she asked me for one of the lorcets for her head.  I felt sorry for her and gave in.  Within an hour she was a different person.  Then, yesterday, the same thing happened.  Tonight, she is withdrawn, hasnt eaten all day, says she feels anxious and that nothing is going to be ok.  She has asked me again for a lorcet.  I dont know what to do.  I am so torn.  I have the power to make her feel better, but I know that I am also enabling her to continue this.  WHAT DO I DO??

[brianachievepeak]

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[strungup]

my name is also jessica.im a daughter and a mum. i am also an addict and have been since i was 13. my parents are wonderful,beautiful people that have only ever wanted to help me,but it seemed easier to give me money and give in to my lies than to say no and make me take responsibility. your daughter telling you would have been really hard for her,but its the first step she has taken to getting clean. be there for her,let her know you love her but dont do what my parents did. im now 35 and after being stable on an opioid program for quite a few years got put on pain medication for legitimate reasons and that awoken my sleeping beast 'addiction'. at 22 i was in rehab,it wouldnt be for ever,but giving her that the other night will only continue to make her body want it. and going on an opioid program is only a bandaid. let her do whatever she has to do,scream cry break a plate,whatever to get through the next few weeks as her body may feel better but her head will still be racing. wanting the drugs.

[Julia M Aharonov, DO]

I do  understand  your need as a mom to make your child to feel better. But what you are doing is very short sighted and you know it yourself or you would not be here asking me the question. Your first step  to take away all of the opiates was instinctual and good in theory. But you put her through quite a difficult week of heavy withdrawal. To start giving her a pill here and there is exactly what you should not be doing at this stage, because you are destroying everything she has achieved during the week of the withdrawals.
When one takes opiates for a long time like your daughter has,  the body's physiology has been altered. The central nervous system has created a multitude of opioid receptors that all are screaming for endorphins (opiates) to fill them, but the  body has now forgotten how to make them by itself.  It will take time - two to four weeks at least, for those receptors to downregulate (for the brain begin to heal) and to start making its own endorphins. Brain heals pretty slowly, so it may take it as long as a couple of months to get rid of feelings of sluggishness, restlessness and depression.
By giving her exogenous opiates you continue to suppress her body's ability to produce its ows endorphins, thus delaying her recovery.
You have been dealing with a multitude of heavy issues with your children, and mostly you have dealt with them well, therapy is extremely important for her to deal with her many issues. Please do not stop that process and make sure this aspect of her life is discussed as well. Please include your involvement and enabling into the discussion with the therapist as well.

[sewport]

There is a difference between making her "feel better" and getting her better. By continuing to give her pills you are "helping" her addiction and not her. I believe that first and foremost you should look into a substance abuse program for her. Or a substance abuse counselor.  I understand that you were reluctant because it will not treat all her issues. Step one is I will not enable my daughter to continue to use drugs. Say to yourself "If I give her this pill I am her drug dealer". Step 2 is I want to love her and help her get clean. Lastly try to help her with other obstacles. Also find a support group that you feel comfortable with. Many Moms have gone through this and you are not alone and having a group or therapist to talk to will really help. I can tell that you love your daughter very much and want to help her. You are a great Mom for careing so much and not giving up. Remind her that you love her and always will. That you want to help her as much as you can but not with money or pills. Instead choose love and guidence.