Adoption Community
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Avatar universal

help from parents who have adopted.

My Brothers daughter was adopted and they don't want her to know or find her family.Can you please help me undertand why this is.The fact is that when you adopte a child you know some day they will want to know where they came from and want to meet them. And I could never stop someone from seeing someone.God says to forgive and to not judge other's. There are loving family members out there that are and have been missing this child for many year's .

You would think every adopted parent would want to try and help.But that is not the case. It seem's to me that they are thinking about them self and not what others feel when they try to keep them in there family only.Is it because they feel like the child won't want them any more.If they did a good job raiseing them then there should be know worry. There is enough love in most people to love more that one family ,like we love friends and other family's.
18 Responses
1328636 tn?1389367392
I am not a parent who has adopted, but I was adopted myself, and know many other people who were as well.  First I just want to let you know that your assumption that it's a "fact" all adopted children will be curious about their biological parents and want to meet them is completely false.  Many adopted children have no desire to know who those people are and some have resentment towards them such that they couldn't give a rat's a$s who or where they are.  Secondly, you might want to explain to your brother that his daughter may find out regardless of whether or not he and her mother tell her.  What if there is a medical issue in the future that causes her to discover that she is not biologically related to her parents?  What if her biological parents/siblings seek her out and she finds out that way?  I have always known I am adopted - my entire family is very open about it, but my mom would still be pretty upset if I told her I wanted to find my biological parents, and she would have every right to be.  She is my mother, so of course it would be sad for her if I wanted to seek out this other lady who gave birth to me.  That's completely understandable.  She never would have stopped me from doing so, but it is completely natural for her to be upset because she doesn't envision anyone besides herself as my mother.   I'm curious if you know any adopted people?  It kind of sounds like you don't, and you may want to talk to one or two before making such gross assumptions.
Avatar universal
I know people who have been adopted and who where never adopted . And they want to know meet there nmother and father and brother and sister's.

So I was woundering why if the person wants to find there family and meet them why ,the adopted parents would stop them and not be there for them like they where everything else in there life.As a adopted parent they must know that some day the child may want to meet the person who gave birth to them.

All the ones I know and have talked to about this say there parents understood and would help them find there parent's.Because they feel like they do a great job and they know that the child mother and father can't change the life they had gievn them .

I feel that it is very sad that a parent should stop someone from finding family member's that may care about them .And to me it seem's that they have a control problem .

If I where to ever adopt a child I would want them to meet there other family members when they where ready to.And be there for them threw it all just like I had everything else in there life.
1328636 tn?1389367392
I don't think it's about "stopping" their child from finding their biological parents. Like I said about my mom, I think she just doesn't (and shouldn't) envision anyone else as my mother, so it is hurtful to her to imagine that I might think of someone else that way. I would never consider my biological relatives as my "family" as you refer to biological relatives above. My family are the people who raised me and with whom I have grown up.

Obviously, you are not trying to understand my point of view...you just want to state yours over and over...so I'm not sure why you posted your original question in the first place. Maybe someone else can help you understand better than I can...but if you won't listen I don't see how that will be possible.

I hope the best for your brother and his family.
Avatar universal
I do understand what you are saying.And that you would never say the people who gave birth to you as being your family.

But it is not like the people who gave birth want to take the child away from the family that has raised them. I am greatfull to the familys who have taken in Children and given them what they need because the birth parents couldn't do it. But not every case is the same some people really cared for the child but just didn't have the money or the way to tkae care of the child ,or other things that have happen.My Brother didn't even know about his daughter until the mother dropped her of with us because she was going to lose her. She didn't bring any clothes for her and she was filled with head lice ,this mother has lost all her children to the state and she has seen every one of them, and blames everyone for losing her children.She didn't even come to court to try and help my brother keep his daughter she let my brother take the fall for everything.And still dose blame my brother and says she wish we didn't know about her.
Avatar universal
Well i get were there coming from im 13  and im adopted and i just gested cause i have aburn hair and bron eyes and my parents have black hair and green eyes i took it very well and from my own personal experiens i didnt care the people who i was living with and who were currently loving the hell outa me were my parents yes i have other blood parents out there but a parent to me isn t all about the blood its someone who loves me and takes care of me and i think this is a very contrversial subject cause people react in different ways. if u tell them as a young child theyll just blow it off  and probably wont car ebut if they ask u should tell them the truth and that u love them and that theyll always be there for them and they should take it quite good but i belive if u never tell them they minght feel hurt of un trust ed so ya thats why its really complicated its a realy sensitive subject
well hope this helps m
Avatar universal
They feel threatened!  I think they may have a pre-concieved notion as well that people who give there children up for adoption are low lifes and are good for nothings.  I c ould be wrong on the second sentence, but for sure not on the first.  I am adopted.  My mother who raised me was very threatened.  I guess she figured she put all the time and effort into raising me that I shouldn't want to know where I came from.  I am 42 years old now and back in the day the adoptions were sealed adoptions.  Most everything my social worker told me was inaccurate.  I grew up knowing I was different, being reminded everyday that I was different.  I had a completely different personality than my families.  I was outgoing and loved to explore.  They were the opposite.  So there was conflict.
There are two ways that I think are for the best interest of the child.  Either open adoption or wait to tell the child when they turn 18.  Then when they turn 18 be supportive; don't be afraid to let them find them.
Why?  Because when I was 30 I met my bio mom.  It was exciting and the void had been filled.  However, I realized she was just a stranger.  Having that void filled did not change who my family was.  I actually appreciated my mother and father who raised me more than I ever did as a kid.
I hope this helps to those who are on both sides.
Avatar universal
I'm adopted too and I did a research paper for college about adoption and the affects it has on the children and the parents who adopted.  You would be surprised how many children that were given up for adoption wanted to know.  
You sound pretty angry to me at least.  Maybe  you haven't gotten over the loss or grief that ALL adopted children go through?  All the questions and resentments that WE ALL go through.  
It is natural to want to know......who we look like, do  we have same personalities or not.  I also recently found my bio dad.  I have his personality, voice, laugh etc.  He never even knew I existed.  It has been great getting to know him.
I found out so many medical issues on both sides of the family that should have been put in my file in the first place, but never were.  
Avatar universal
I was adopted at birth in a closed adoption at birth.  I've expressed interest only one time to my adoptive mother, in wanting to find out who my birth parents were.  My mom expressed a fair amount of displeasure, as if it would be some kind of a threat to her for me to know that information.  Although it's been many years since Ive expressed interest, I have taken on the task of trying to find my birth mother/father without her approval.  I do not want to hurt her feelings, this is not my intentions.

I am trying to find out who I am, what is my ethnic background, potential health concerns....  

I could not have picked a better mother than the one I got.  She means the world to me, has been an incredible support through my life and frankly a real inspiration, but I am lacking all of my background information that she cannot answer.

This is not about disrespecting her or hurting her feelings.  This is about me and my search for self.  
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone .I hope you get to find your Family brice .And I understand that no one could change the love you have for the parents who took you in and gave you love and everything you needed. I hope you find what you are looking for and know that not all people who give up there children are bad people and that there family members are not all bad to. There is a reason and only the birth family knows the truth.

Take care and god bless.
205230 tn?1237405193
Every situation is different.  I adopted my son as a newborn.  I plan on providing my son with information as he asks for it and will tell him he grew in someone else's tummy because mine was broken at an early age.  I AM HIS MOTHER.  I don't care if God planted him else where... it is obvious that he belongs in my family.  I would suggest to your brother to tell his child the truth in an appropriate way and child friendly way so that they understand.

Some situations are different and the birth parents and adoptive parents have an agreement early on where all people are involved.  Also upon relinquishment of rights, it is decided how much involvement there is from the birth parents.  I do not think you should be so involved in your brother's decision.  Because that is exactly what it is.... his decision.  You may disagree with it and it's not for you to understand.  Just be there for the children and if they do find out, be supportive.  However, I would ask you brother how you can be supportive if and when that event should occur.  (Most likely it will)
757137 tn?1347196453
Don't be so harsh with them. They are afraid that the child they have loved and cared for all their lives will desert them for her birth parents. This is almost never true. My brother's two adopted girls both found their birth parents, but love my brother and his wife as their real parents. But, then, they are a loving family. Is your brother's?
Avatar universal
hi im going to comment from the other side i dont disagree with anything any of u are saying but social services took all my children of me coz i was abused in my teens and they thought i would have a breakdown which could affect my parenting they had no proof that would happen and i passed all tests but it didnt matter some birth parents arent to blame for children being adopted i think its down to the children if they want to find there biological family i would never disrupt there lives by searching for them no matter how hard it is knowing they should b with me its down to them at the end of the day but thankfully my local mp is involved and she is fighting for me as it should only b children that are in severe need of a loving family that should b adopted
757137 tn?1347196453
I can't think of anything more sad.
Avatar universal
thanks allmymarbles if thats to me
Avatar universal
I personally think allmymarbles is correct.  Having been an andopted, my mother let it be known that if I ever looked for my birth parents that it would hurt her feelings.  And really, I think I get that.  I will always have the beautiful bond I have with my mother. Nobody could have done a better job raising me, will all things considered.

Hurting my mom's feelings are the last thing I want to do.  I dont even necessarily want to be friends with my birth parents, but I would like medical info and perhaps know my ethnicity, know if I have siblings, or even just to find out if my birth parents are still alive.
757137 tn?1347196453
It is a curious thing but I have noticed that it is the adopted girls who most want to find their birth parents. The adopted boys I know have put that behind them. You run true to form.
Avatar universal
For laughs, I am male in my 40's.  I now have children of my own who have asked questions about who they are and their ethnicity.  I tried to go by what my parents have told me, but apparently my ethnicity has changed throughout the years.

For some people, knowing that they were raised by a loving family is enough.  I get that.  Part of me feels like I was kicked to the curb, and part of me feels like the luckiest guy around.  It's not for me to judge my birth parents, and I am not out to do that.

I guess I have been looking for the "real" me for quite some time.  I just feel as if there is information I need to know....medical/personal that will make me feel whole.  For the most part, I am a pretty good guy and I owe that to my mother and my upbringing.  I know she loves me unconditionally just as if she were my birth mother and there was no seperation.  I am truly thankful.  There is jus something missing.  And truth be told, I may find out something horrible about my birth.  I am ready for it, I just want some answers regarding some health issues I have, potential issues I may have passed on to my children and things like that.
757137 tn?1347196453
The odd thing about having children is that each is unique. The thing that sets you apart as a family is environmental. My brother has two adopted daughters. They both wanted to find their birth parents and he helped them. On set worked out well, and the other not so much. But what stands out is that both girls are "fit" in their adopted home, not in the home of their birth parents. I guess it has to do with values and temperament. One of his daughters, who had her own son, adopted another. A fine testament to adoption.

And as to each person being unique, the grandchild most similar to my family is actually a daughter's stepson. So much for genes.

To do make a good point in your last sentence. One of my brother's adopted daughters has a blood condition that is common in her birth father's family. I don't know if it was caught independent of this information.
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