Adoption Community
542 Members
142722 tn?1281533616

waiting to meet my son

My son is 16 and he knows that I want to meet and he wants to meet me really bad, but his mother is having some trouble dealing with it.  His parents promised twice that we would meet but backed out both times.  I am just waiting now.  I think maybe it would be better for his amom to go through her feelings and for them to work it out as a family because this is a big deal for them all.  He is not living with his amom.  I am going on with my life but some time it hurts so bad.  I think about him often, what he looks like, what he likes, but know I have a family to take care of and his has his own life.  I have to seprate my wants from what is good for him.  I understand his amom's feelings and don't have any hard feelings toward her.  His adad told him, according to the agency worker - who I trust, that we would meet.  He told Adam it may be when he is 18 and his amom can't say any thing, but I would like to meet him and her be all right with it because I don't want it to be hard on Adam.  I just want to express my saddness a little.  I long for him and miss him even after all these years.  It was my parent who made me give him up and I tried to keep him but at 15 what was I supposed to do.  I was at the mercy of my parents :(  
6 Responses
760797 tn?1303264540
I really hope it will work out and you can meet you son. It has to be very hard on you, not knowing or seeing him. Maybe his amom will be ok with it. I will keep you and Adam in my prayers. It must be a very empty feeling and I hope you will be able to see him soon.
205230 tn?1237405193
I am sorry to hear that you are in such pain.  I think it was very brave of you to give your son up for adoption.  Even though your parents influenced your decision, I believe inside, at the time, you knew it was the best decision you could have made for your son.  I am sure his mom is feeling mostly scared.  She has raised him and loved him unconditionally for 16 years now.  I am sure she knows that her son loves her and will not love her any less after meeting you.  However, I can only imagine her anxiety do to the age of her son.  At age 16, especially boys, are not quite matured and do not think as an adult.  Children at that age can say hurtful things to their parents and often seen as a stage in their lives.
Try not to make assumptions.  Perhaps it would be best to wait until he is a little older.  

In the meantime, have you written him a letter through the agency saying that you think of him and hope he is doing well?  That you would like the opportunity someday to answer his questions when the time is right for everyone.  Maybe let him know (FOR HIM) that you made the decision out of love and wanted only for him to have the best life he could possibly have.  That you wanted him to have as many opportunities for him to advance in life so that he can become a strong, intelligent and prosperous young man.  This was your dream for him.

I hope some of these things help.  I know a letter would make him feel so good!  I know this from personal experience.

I know our emotions often can cloud our dreams.  Be sure to keep your son's best interests in mind which is the most selfless act next to giving him up for adoption.  You are a wonderful person for doing all of this for your son and sacraficing your feelings for his well being!  Please remember this when you are feeling down.  God Bless You!

Avatar universal
I know you want to meet him now but it sounds like he is having problems with his a parents. He is also 16 which is a precarious time in some teen's lives. He may or may not have built up an unrealistic idea of what a relationship with you might be like. As an adopitive mother myself, I think as hard as it is, that you should wait until he's 18 to begin a realtionship with him. It's hard enough to deal with a teen without having a birth parent in the mix. He needs to work out or come to grips with, his relationships with his a parents first if possible. Good luck to both of you.
Avatar universal
You are such a sensitive person and so caring for your son's feelings and so understanding of his adoptive mom's feelings. I think you are right to go with your instincts/sensitivity and wait until that family works out what it must first, rather than put any pressure on them now. And I think that tactically, too, to wait and to go very sensitively and slowly toward him when the adoptive parents are more ready is best for yourself, for him, and probably for the adoptive parents too.    I am a reunited birthmother and I know how full with longing you must be now; you are very brave, the way you are waiting and doing what is good for everyone (including you, I think) with this.
142722 tn?1281533616
Thank you.  I haven't heard from the agency in a while.  I send my letters and stuff for him to the agency workers house.  We are close enough to do that.  She knew how much it killed me and how painful it was.  With that said, Adam is now 16, so I am sure he is doing all that fun boy stuff.  He may not be ready any more and that is ok.  I think he needs to be a kid and I don't want any stress on him or his aparents.  He has his family and that is ok.  I will get to meet him and I feel it.  Now is just not the time, God has a perfect plan for the both of us.
His sister is 13 and it gets harder as she gets older.  I think it is best to wait.  I know that every one may tell me that I did the best thing, it was really the only thing I could do.  If he were to ask me once we meet, did I want to do it - I will tell him no.  I will not lie to him.  I think it is best for him to be at least 18 and even then it may still be to soon.  It needs to be right for every one.  What is a few more years :)
574170 tn?1277941303
Hang in there I hope that you get to see him soon.I know that its not easy but you will get to meet when you and him are both ready well talk to you soon.


Top Parenting Answerers
Learn About Top Answerers
Popular Resources
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
6 essential foods for new moms (and their newborns!)
What to expect in your growing baby
Learn which foods aren't safe to eat when you're eating for two.