How do I stay focused?

[mmarsride]

I am a new single parent. In addition to the stress of being a beginner parent I am in college for a career change. My brother 15 tells me he hallucinates, thinks about suicide, and that one time he saw a monster/creature that caused him to grab a gun and hide in the corner. An aunt that is in the hospital, a father that wans to talk to me about getting clean because this is only the millionth time he is trying. It's just a big mess and I need to find a way to separate my mind from it so I can do well in school and have quality time with my child. A few years ago a friend at work told me I'm not the savior of my family and to stop taking on their problems as if they are my own. I don't even know how I should feel anymore, because I'm starting to feel that I want to be left alone and I'm also feeling that it is selfish for me to feel that way. I was able to deal with stress before with exercise, clearly thinking things over, and watching a funny movie but now I think I'm getting depressed and unmotivated. Is this the quarter life criss I hear about? It feels like some sort of planetary alignment where everyone turns crazy or sick.

[wishforchange]

Running term appropriate - it sounds like you are back on track, and I am pleased that you are fighting your way out of this slump.  You do sound like a tremendously brave person, anyone who can overcome negativity is a bit of a hero in my eyes.  Just stick to your plan!  Really I admire you for how you have taken on board our advice and your own thinking and are back in control.  Have to confess to a tiny bit of envy too, running as you say is such a great therapy.  I too used to be a distance runner, and all I thought about for the duration of a session was the sound of my breathing, the beat of my feet, the air rushing past me, and nothing else.  Please though, do get the right footwear, which I'm sure you already have.  Your legs and feet are very precious and running with the wrong shoes will cause problems in the long term.  Spend as much money as it takes to get the best support trainers you can buy.  I can't run any more, just walk with a cane now, not because of bad footwear, other stuff, but I just don't want anyone to set up problems such as arthritis for later years.  I have no other advice to give, as you are so much back in control, so just threw in the footwear alert as a bit of an extra!  When my legs get better I'll join you on this forum running.  All the best.

[mmarsride]

Let me make things a little clearer about my situation. I live in Phoenix, AZ and the rest of my family lives in NY. My brother has only been living with his father in NY for a year because my mother moved to AZ and the courts would not allow him to leave the state. My mother does not keep guns in the house. My brother has asked his father for help and instead of helping him he was "freaked out" and avoided the situation, which is why I took the problem on as my own. Anyway, I took Dr. Greenberg's advice and let go of my role as family confidant. I explained to my mother what is going on with my brother and left it up to her to handle the situation. I'm still here for my family as a listener, but I'm no longer making suggestions or handing out advice. I realized that seems to be where I become too involved and start to think constantly about how to solve their problems. I am currently scheduled for an appointment with a therapist and I have started running again. I forgot how theraputic a long run can be. I'm going to make myself continue with the therapist no matter how well I feel because I always tend to come out of things quickly by blocking out or setting aside the issues that are bothering me. I always do this with my father when he decides to quit using and then relapses. It's always a huge disappointment, but now it's happened so many times I'm desensitized to it. I hate to say it, but I don't know if I even care anymore. I'll leave that up to the therapist to help me cope with and figure out what is going on. I'm really just not thinking about it for now. I appreciate your advice. It's helpful just to know that other people understand.

[wishforchange]

Amidst all the terrible stresses you have at the moment there is one thing that is more important than all your family's problems put together, and that is the responsibility to your child.  You owe it to this little life you have created to be a good mum, and to do that you need to be at peace with yourself.  Children will pick up on the stress of their parents, and whilst you are trying to solve everyone else's problems you are just stressing your child.  So Dr. Greenburg makes and excellent point, until you find time for yourself you cannot help anyone.  You love your family, but you cannot single handedly take on all their individual issues.  Your focus is blurred because you are trying to be several people at the same time.  You are just the one person, who is a mother.
I am so sorry for your brother's psychological issues, and he clearly needs help, but beyond anything you can provide.  It sounds like he needs intensive psychological input, even maybe medication.  If he is responding to hallucinations with weapons I'm sorry to say that you also need to be very wary about having him around with your child.  He is not a bad person, but ill, and maybe even needs to be offered help without his consent if he becomes a danger to himself or others.  I rarely advocate this, but the gun issue alarmed me.  Your father has issues that sound very long term and you cannot help him, again if he is under the influence of mind altering drugs you need to protect your child first.  What about other relatives?  While you are concentrating on motherhood cannot they take up the reins of your troubled family?  If not friends, social workers, your doctor?  It is hardly surprising you are depressed, and even, if your child is a new born, post natal depression could also be a factor.  I don't know.  Maybe just take a holiday, just you and your baby, bond with them, decide that here you have a life that is yours to shape and love and who you are honoured to be trusted with.  You sound like such a compassionate person, but one who has let her compassion get out of hand.  Force yourself to excercise again, releases so many happy hormones.  Put on your favourite funny film and cry in despair all through it, until you've had enough and start to just enjoy the film.  For me Monty Python's 'Meaning of Life' does it every time.  Read.  Fantasize.  Depression is such a sly illness, it forces you into not wanting you to get better, so the only way is to do all the things you don't want to i.e. have fun.  And if you really are not able to make that initial lurch out of the slump, even try a short course of antidepressants, but make sure it is a short one.  Please, do not take Seroxat.  Maybe controversial but there are a lot of studies saying it is not such a good pill for many people.  Better though not to take antidepressants, but at least you know they are an option if nothing else works.  Congratualtions on being a mother, I am sure you will do a great job, so get on with it!

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

mmarsride,

At the risk of sounding obvious, you have a lot of stress in your life right now, it's no wonder you're having trouble staying focussed.  In addition to all of the people you are supporting (emotionally or literally), I sense that you have stopped doing the things that provided you with an outlet for your stress, including working out and watching movies.  It seems that you are not scheduling time for yourself, which I imagine is very difficult as a single parent, student, family confidant, etc.  Your predicament calls to mind something that I have heard, "if you don't take care of yourself, you cannot be there for someone else."  Hence, at the very least, try to schedule some time for yourself, "to get away from it all," even if it is an hour at the gym.  Additionally, I would recommend that you seek out a psychotherapist, to help you deal with all the stress in your life, as well as dealing with what your friend called your role as "savior" in the family.  I cannot say this for certain, but it may also be the case that you are taking on that role, and may have trouble letting go of it.  Psychotherapy can help you resolve that issue as well.