I hate myself and my life

[weirdgirl]

I moved back to my home state of Wisconsin from California almost five months ago and ever since I've been extremely depressed. When I was living with my dad in California, my life was good. I was going to community college, I was able to eat healthy, get enough excercise, had my own room, had a computer with internet, and even had cable! Living here with mom is the complete opposite: I can't get a job no matter how hard I try (and I feel guilty about it because we're broke), my mom refuses to buy anything healthy even when I'm at the store with her, the only excercise I can get is walking and I can't do that since it's Winter right now, I have my own room but there's alot of junk in it since my mom is a pack rat, and I only have internet on my crappy phone. I've been taking anti-depressants for almost a year (I was depressed when I lived in California too) which was helping me until recently and stopped taking them almost two weeks ago. I can't see a doctor or even a therapist since I don't have insurance anymore. I really want to move out and live on my own and go back to school but that doesn't seem like that will ever happen. I feel like I will be stuck like this forever and I will never be able to do anything on my own. I spend my days sleeping, laying in bed, eating alot, smoking alot and playing videogames. Another issue I have is that I act like a kid. I don't behave like one; I just enjoy doing kid stuff like playing Pokemon games, coloring, collecting stuffed animals, etc. I feel like maybe I don't want to grow up, and I'm just forcing myself to. So my ultimate question is: what can I do to get myself out of this rut? Thanks for reading all of that and sorry it was so long; I really needed to get all of that out of my system.

[weirdgirl]

Thanks Jason for replying. I guess I am bothered that I am trying to hold on to my childhood. It's not a big interference in my life. It only bothers me because I don't want people to see me as immature. Other than that, I don't mind it and I accept it as part of my personality. I'm quite a quirky person anyway. And yes, I've had depression before I moved.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Thanks for elaborating on your original post.  It sounds like you have already been dealing with symptoms of depression even prior to your recent move.  I get the sense that you are beginning to adjust to the move a little bit better and mobilizing  to take care of yourself better.  As far as the issue about the video games, stuffed animals, etc., you seem to have a pretty clear sense that these are related to wanting to hold onto aspects of your childhood.  As I often suggest, if this issue is causing you distress to the point where that is interfering with your life a great deal, then if you have the option, talking to a professional therapist about it might help.  I'm not clear though how much you are in distress about it.

[Jaquta]

Sorry for not responding sooner.  I think trying to access that free clinic would be a great idea.  That might even be the way forward for you to help get you out of that rut.

The doctor on the mental health expert forum usually says that life symptoms (like low mood and anxiety, etc) are due to our lives not working for us.
Once we can figure out what is going on and work to resolve these issues we generally feel much better about ourselves and our lives.

I hope some of this has been helpful.  Keep going, you'll get there.

[weirdgirl]

I think there might be a free clinic in my area. I'll have to find out. I'm not sure if it's because of issues my parents have. I know my mom has depression though.

[Jaquta]

I agree.  Feeling stuck just leads to feeling defeated and depressed.
The activities, while extremely important, seem superficial to the feelings beneath.  The feelings too also need working through.

I have heard that there are low or zero fee clinics in the States.  Accessing one of those may be helpful.

Does your low mood correspond to issues your parents have?  If so, it could be a good place to start.

Listen to the expert and follow his advice.  I trust what he has to say.

[weirdgirl]

Thanks both of you for responding. I'm taking my meds again, not sleeping as often, waking up earlier, smoking less and I'm keeping myself busy with various things. So I'm feeling much better since I posted my question. I'm also working on trying to quit smoking and excercising more. I still play video games alot but it keeps me busy and it's something I love. That's something else I should work on too. And there's no way I can move back to California. I had to move back here because the jerks at my dad's work cut his pay and he couldn't afford to keep me there anymore, even if I got a full time job. He's trying to get another job there so he can afford to get me back there. I think I'm just stuck in a rut and I need to get myself out of it. Also, I'll have to have a talk with my mom about the junk in my room and eating healty.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Before I respond, I was wondering -- why did you move from California?

[Jaquta]

Venting is almost always healthy.  It can make one feel so much better.

Firstly, I think it is dangerous for you to stop taking your medication.  I think this should only ever be done after consultation with your doctor.  Having said that I feel that psychotherapy is much more effective at treating the underlying issues.

I think while in a stable environment and frame of mind that you were taking responsibility and 'growing up'.

Is there any chance of moving back in with your father and attempting to make changes from there?
It sounds like your mother is being disrespectful and is infringing upon your personal space.  It can be hard to grow from a vulnerable or defensive position.

The doctor will be able to offer better advice.  Mine would be to structure your day.  Don't sleep in, plan some activities, make a more concerted effort with your diet (despite your mother), quit smoking and limit the video games.  These are mostly just negative ways of dealing with a difficult situation and difficult emotions.

About the exercise, there's stuff you could do at home.  You could try using your own body weight or canned food for resistance exercises.  Usually it's just a matter of getting creative and thinking outside the square.

Good luck!  I look forward to reading others feedback and suggestions.