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Avatar universal

Excessive drinking?

So I don't know much about this stuff coz i don't personally drink at all.
My partner has said he used to abuse alcohol in the past. When he was going through a divorce he would drink himself to a stupor and pass out almost every day. He quit cold turkey and he got the help he needed and didn't touch alcohol for almost a year
We moved in together about 3 months ago. In the last 2 months his drinking has become what i would consider excessive.
He starts drinking aroun 9 or 10am and drinks 2 bottles of wine or a bottle and a few cans of bourbon. He's usually done by about 5pm. If he starts around 12 he's done at 9 or 10pm and then he just passes out. This happens about once every 10 to 15 days.  Other days in between he has about 6 or 7 drinks at night. He calls that "happy drinking" because he is in a good mood and nothing bad ever happens.
During the bad drinking he usually gets moody and says things he otherwise wouldn't have. Sometimes he can be verbally angry but I've never noticed it become abusing. He's never been physically abausive either.
I'm worried for him and I'm worried for our relationship. I love him very dearly but i think he needs help and have no idea how to approach the subject with him.
Our relationship outside his drinking is perfectly normal and loving. He's helpful and caring and a genuinely lovely person to be around. While i understand alcohol changes people and i know that i can be triggered myself from other drinking around me (due to past abusive drinking exs) i still feel this isn't normal.
Any and all sonstructive advice is welcome.
5 Responses
Avatar universal
You are absolutely correct that His drinking is excessive.

To begin drinking at 9am or 10am: HUGE Red Flag
2 bottles of wine in a day:  HUGE Red Flag
A bottle and a few cans of bourbon in a day:  HUGE Red Flag
Drinking until one passes out:  HUGE Red Flag
Consistently having 6 or 7 drinks in one night:  HUGE Red Flag

How many Red Flags do You/He need?  I could go on, and in fact, I will......

He calls the lighter nights "happy drinking 'cuz He's "in a good mood and nothing bad happens"  Well, that's simply not true.  Something (MANY) bad IS happening.

alcohol is a neurotoxic, psychoactive  DRUG - as is amphetamine, cocaine, nicotine - an like these other drugs it IS an addictive substance.

You and He should learn how ONE drink of alcohol affects the body - learn the science behind a drink (even ONE drink) - EACH and EVERY time we drink, alcohol is wreaking havoc on our bodies.

You said He used to drink himself into a stupor and He would pass out, that He quit "cold turkey" and didn't drink for "almost a year".  Presently You describe the same kind of behavior:  "He drinks till He passes out".  That's because drinking is progressive (so is the damage) and even when one stops drinking for a while - when They do begin drinking again, They simply pick up where They left off.  That's why You're seeing Him able to drink such a huge amount only within the last couple of months.  He has built up a tolerance for that amount.

Alcohol affects (depresses) the central nervous system, slows breathing, slows heartrate, during frequent urination we expel electrolytes necessary for nerve & muscle function.  There's more, there's much, much more.  Again, I could go on but this time I won't.  

Educate YourSelf on the effects of alcohol.  Educate Him.  You've heard the expression "scared straight"?  Scare Him.


1029273 tn?1472235094
Your post reminds me of a very similar situation I found myself in a few years ago.  I was very much in love with, and cared deeply for an alcoholic/addict ~ until we lived together for a few months, I had no idea how dark his mood could become and how self destructive he was when he was using. At first I felt as though I could handle his "partying", because he was only a jerk when he was wasted ( which wasn't everyday), and he was a really lovable guy when he was sober. About a year later and towards the end of our relationship, I played the role of caregiver, co-dependent, and doormat ~ basically I no longer felt loved or appreciated.
I don't mean to be a downer, but I want to be honest with my opinion here, things with your partner will probably get worse before they get better. Your partner needs serious help from professionals if he's going to try to end his addiction. From my personal experience very few people stay sober for long when going cold turkey without being educated properly about their own addiction.  It takes a lot of self awareness and determination for someone to want to get sober ~ this is all up to him to make the commitment.  As someone else posted previously, there are huge red flags going on with the drinking your partner does ~ you must have the same feeling, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered posting. Keep in mind that your health and happiness is just as important as his; what he's doing now with the drinking is definitely not helping either one of you in your relationship.
You need to sit down with him when he's sober and have an honest conversation about how you feel. If you choose to say nothing and ignore the problem, you may become resentful and miserable, and he'll just continue to get worse.  
Either way, I wish you luck and hope things work out well for both you.
3060903 tn?1398568723
I'm gong to paste and copy the same advice to you that I gave the poster above you in the forum. The names change but the disease stays the same.

You've said that your partner drank after the divorce. Is there a possibility that the drinking was the cause of the divorce ? at least in good measure.? You've said that your partner quit cold turkey, for a year. What was his "program", how did he keep sober without help? Oh yeah, he didn't . right? He needs a program to help him. Alcoholism can happen to people that don't drink everyday. A person can think they are a social drinker and still be an alcoholic. And the answers are the same for the daily drinker or the Binger. It's too big a problem to expect to "fix" without the EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE OF OTHER ALCOHOLICS. Accountability for all is the requisite to getting and staying sober.  
Here's my post that i mentioned early.
Please know that anyone here on medhelp would love to help you with this problem. Including myself. Thanks for your post.

3060903 tn?1398568723
Well, i'm so terribly sorry that your mother started to drink again, and of course, that's the nature of the disease of alcoholism.

It's a terrible thing for a child or adult child to watch. One thing that you can do for yourself, and therefore for her, is to go online and check out Alanon. There you will find their mission statement and meetings in a town close to you. It is a family group for the spouses and children of alcoholics. It will allow you to desensitize yourself from the situation to a degree and not allow your mother's drinking to make you crazy. It will allow you to discuss how not to enable your mother., for her own sake. There you can talk about Interventions, and how they work. I don't know  if you can get access to the show "Intervention" but basically the family of the addict get together and tell the addict that they can no longer support them when they are actively engaged in addiction. That's too much for anyone to bare for  a lifetime. It doesn't help the addict. Only by an addict feeling their consequences do they usually do something about it. If you are not willing to set this standard, you can learn how to not let the addict's poor choices daily affect your life, to the maximum that it could.

This is the website for online Alanonhttp://www.ola-is.org/

This is a meeting list for Alanon and Alateen......


Also, there is a group called ACOA or Adult Children of Alcoholics. A great group that I went to for a spell. There you can vent really , about how the alcoholism has affected your life. I met some fine friends there when i was experiencing the worst effects of my dysfunctional family, and simply could not go on one moment longer without talking to people that truly understood. You can reach their website by going to ....


First things first. LOOK AFTER YOU. This is a family disease. And like they say on an airplane, you must first grab the oxygen yourself in order to be alive, to help anyone else.

Then there's your mom. So your mom needs a "program" . Many need to go to a detox unit prior to going to rehab for 30 to 60 to 90 days, There are then sober houses available that continues to walk the addict through how to live sober, and work, or go to school. There's a gambit of resources available for your mom In "rehab" there is an Addictions Therapist component. There the addict goes back into their lives and finds out why they drank in the first place. Many times it can be post traumatic stress, from childhood. There may be a dual diagnosis. A mental health issue uncovered. For my husband it was Paranoid Schizophrenia. No problem. There's help for that and everything under the sun. Many times an "Intervention" must  be held . That would be with an Addictions Therapist that you can find in the yellow pages. They can help the family plan a meeting to get together and give the addict an ultimatum saying that they as a group (ideally) will support the addict if they accept help for their addiction, but will walk away if they continue using. Is that cruel? You think that maybe that's not the way to go, because aren't you hitting the addict when they are already so down. ? Well, the addict is on a downward spiral and without that type of ultimatum, the next step is often not being here to complain about the tough love. This sounds like where you're at, so an Intervention might be well warranted. if you are determined to save your mom's life. This would probably honestly be the best thing you could do for your mom, It sure is not for the faint of heart, which is why you need to gather around you a support system for yourself, and your family, and your mother.  You see? Your mom's life cannot be your responsibility. but you can equip her with the right resources to use her free will to save her own life.

In short, without the "process", your mom has a less than average chance of living through this. You Need Help. So, thank you for posting for your mom, and for your family.

Anyone of us here, would be happy to hear from you, and work with you. You need not be alone. You are among friends here. Truly.

Avatar universal
Girl, you just described my daddy to a tee. I lost him about six years ago to a heart attack because he got blood clots in his legs that they could not surgically remove. The reason they could not remove them is that his oxygen levels stayed so low because he was dying of emphyzema. My daddy knew he was an alcoholic, but he also believed it was only hurting him, not true at all. He started drinking to that degree when he found out he had a terminal illness. He was scared and that's how he dealt with it. He went to drinking all day and even going as far as to take a nap to let it wear off, just to have another go around before bedtime. He was sitting there one day with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other, and I said "dad, look at you. You are sitting there doing exactly the two things that you know are killing you,WHY? He said, " I don't care". My heart was broke, and I never asked him again. If I could go back.... What would I have done differently? I truly don't know, but I promise you I'd have done everything in my power to get him to see, to understand.. Just to have had him awhile longer. Don't give up on him. Don't sweep it under the rug. Please, don't allow yourself the what its that I live with now. By the way, I want something very clear until my daddy knew doctors couldn't fix him and decided staying drunk through the process was his best plan. Me and my two sisters had one of the best dads ever. Afterwards he was very verbally mean when drunk to all of us. It made his last couple years of knowing we were losing him so much harder. I write all of this in hopes that you can understand that by standing back and not fighting him to save himself I deal with a lot of regrets.. He didn't turn full blown alcoholic over night by the way, but I guarantee you the more you " accept it" the easier it will be for him to believe its okay and not a problem. Left unchecked it will only get much worse. I pray God has better plans for him than this. God bless you.
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