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Alcoholic, Living with an Community
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Avatar universal

Feeling lost in my struggle to help my wife stop drinking..?

We were both parties back in the day, I'm 36 now. We drank smoked weed every weekend, but we had our first child and we stopped, besides the occasional beer or drink at a restaurant. But we separated for 6 months and realized we needed each other, now we are back together and she drinks every weekend and blacks out almost everyone around our now 2 children... if I say anything she says I'm not her father and to quit being controlling, I honestly think I'm in the right...My kids are my world and anything I can do to make their life the best IS my problem. I just get sick of being made the bad guy...I even got rid of all my social media bc she still thinks I would talk to women even though we thourghly discussed our love for each other. She still plays on her phone relentlessly as I play with the kids and babysit her while she drinks...I just don't know how to tackle this without ruining our life.
.I want our family to stay I'm tack...My happiness is good as long as I have my children and my job that I enjoy. I feel like I have to keep playing this game to keep this together.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Have you gone to Al-Anon? You are trying to control her drinking which can't be done. At Al-Anon you will get support and see others who have the same problem, which will put your situation in perspective. Unfortunately many people in relationships keep hoping the alcoholic will change for the better, but the alcoholism doesn't go away so change is unlikely for many.

The most important thing in an alcoholic's life is the bottle, so she isn't the only person who puts her family second. She prefers to continue drinking, so unless that changes and she accepts her alcoholic status and tries to get help likely nothing will change. You are likely powerless to try to turn her into a different person.
2 Comments
Thank you very much, I know you are right about being powerless, it's human nature to think you change another person's emotional state for the better. She knows she has a problem, I will look into Al-son, I'm not a very religious person and I feel like they push religion to help the person. But just coming from an outside source may help. Thanks for your help! I will give it a shot and try it out!
No they don't push religion, but when I went they had a slogan referring to a higher power, but that was just to commence or end the meeting. No one discusses that in the meeting. When they refer to a higher power, you can choose what you want to be that, in your mind.
I think they got rid of that part of the motto a few years ago though.

You have to come to grips with the fact that an alcoholic is not a normal person. You might be able to control or influence someone with a different problem by reasoning with them, but the addiction nag never leaves the alcoholic alone, so the second they let their guard down they give in to the nag and start drinking out of control.
1415174 tn?1453243103
Sleeponit, did you know that alcoholics are born with a genetic marker for becoming an alcoholic. Once they have one drink they can't stop drinking. That doesn't mean some people do it because they like it and have an addiction. But most alcholics like your wife (probably) cannot stop drinking unless they get help and have to not take one drink ever again. So they have to get the mentality that their first love (alcohol) is their enemy not their love. How you change that takes a lot of AA meetings and at this point her liver toxicity his high and she has to have help. What I see with my brother is similar. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He does call/write once in a while but he lies about everything. He won't talk about the drinking or he will hang up. He has had 2 DUI's that he admits to. My uncle had this my grandpa, and my mother, and my brother since he was maybe 17. He hid it very well. I didn't really know until much later. I caught him stealing my stuff and I thought it was for money for his girl friends. He cheats on everyone, gambles (another family addiction). But, I doubt she would get tested and it isn't FDA approved yet). My husband is working on this test at a biotech. But it is a fact. So, don't beat yourself up. Try to take care of your kids. Support them all the way and it is a hard job for a single parent. That is what you are. Sorry to say that. In the mean time have you gone to Alanon or I'm sure how to spell it those help groups to understand the mentality of an alcoholic? They will be one all their life even if they quit. They also have a "persona" of who they want you to think they are. It is so hard on you. They can come across as super cool or a educated person with no problems until the crap hits the fan. The main thing is she needs professional help. She has to want to get it. How you do that? I haven't figured that out. You have to not help her get her alcohol or give her money  in any way. Maybe tell her she cannot see the children until she quits. Harsh love. Sorry. It is not good for them to see her like this. I lived with a drunk uncle. I loved him but we hid from him when he came home drunk. Not because we were scared but didn't want him to bother us. it was not a good memory of that side of him we felt shame, then my brother followed what he did. A model for the kids to see. That it was okay to drink and gamble like he did. So my brother did exactly what he did instead of going the other way like I did. I don't happen to have the gene so I was lucky. Meaning I have had some alcohol and don't really care about it much.
Hope you can get professional help here.
regards,
mkh9
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