Al-Anon is the best place for you to start so you can educate yourself about how hopeless it generally is for a family member to deal with an alky. You will see lots of people there explaining how their lives are disrupted by the alky in their life, and lots of people in denial, hoping things will change. Al-Anon provides support and a 12 step process for those who want help dealing with the alky.
An alky will almost never see their drinking as a problem, and always find a way to twist the facts to blame someone else. I drink because my family is a mess and I need something to help me put up with them, or I just drink socially, or I don't have a drinking problem because I manage it. Etc.
About the only option you have with a drinker is to tell him to go to AA or else you will leave. It is unlikely he will quit drinking, and it is best to find out early in a relationship rather than spend a lifetime thinking things would be better if only he would change.
ONE MAN'S GARBAGE IS ANOTHER MAN'S GOLD.
DON'T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER, MEANS ...DUE DILIGENCE.
It take management skills to get through to those with problems with alcoholism or drug addiction. In many cases, ADDICTS (those addicted to drugs or alcohol) HAVE been GROSSLY and NEGATIVELY affected by family systems, as well as THE MANY acquiring PTSD FOR MANY OTHER REASONS LIKE WAR TERRORISM AND RAPE. It is MOST HELPFUL for ALL addicts to talk to an Addiction's Therapist to deal with why the "addict" imbibed and got addicted in the first place. It is not our place to judge whether it is the addict's fault as to why they became addicted, be it an injury and a doctor over prescribing to them drugs that ruined their lives, or parents that were ineffective.. The blame game is what is HOPELESS.
When an addict is able to seek therapy through an Addiction's Therapist, they can naturally progress to free themselves of the compulsion to .... imbibe. The ORIGINAL pain be it physical, mental or spiritual is dealt with and the drug and alcohol can then often, at that point, be addressed with the first step being through detox and withdrawal. The best option of an addict, is to attend a Drug and Alcohol or Dual Diagnosis Rehabilitation Facility for either 30, 60 or 90 days. Many times , addicts suffer for years, only because the help that is available to them is being made to them by partners or parents that have lost hope because they themselves have not fully become educated. In other words, there is plenty of help for the addict, but oftentimes enablers do not access the right help for their own reasons.
AA is the aftercare for those heavily addicted ONLY. AA is often used as the industry standard for ongoing care after the addict has isolated the reason why they started, forgiven themselves and others etc. It's proven efficiency and accessibility (it is free to attend.). So it's important for you to know how to best help the alcoholic in your life.
Al-Anon is helpful for yourself. It allows you to communicate your problems at home, with those that understand. There is a 12 step program available.
I am fortunately an alcoholic and also, the wife of an alcoholic.I have acquired many of my finest traits and abilities due to my latent addictions. My husband's first wife thought he was hopeless, thankfully. When we got together, there were rules. If either of us "used" we would immediately admit to it, and then go into a 90 DAY RESIDENTIAL DRUG AND ALCOHOL RELAPSE PREVENTION PROGRAM. I knew what rules to make. I had educated myself, and I was a better wife. His prior wife refused to educate herself and preferred the blame game. Fortunately, when my husband relapsed, he didn't sleep for days and his underlying schitzophrenia became active. I went to his family doctor and had him committed to the Psychiatric Unit where upon he had therapy and was put on Seroquel that has allowed him to regain and retain proper sleeping patterns for the last 20 years. It was suggested to him that his drinking may have been caused by his need, simply, to go to sleep. Upon his leaving the Psychiatric Unit, he went to the 90 day Residential Treatment Centre. He ran away after 82 days and i picked him up and brought him out for a much deserved dinner. His wife threw him away and I got myself the best man i could have to raise my son. He is sweet, caring , understanding, compassionate, hard working, and THE BEST STEP FATHER MY SON COULD HAVE EVER HAD.
If you want to talk about your particular case, i highly recommend you starting with a local Addictions Therapist. There, you will hear how you can help the addict in your life, and help yourself. Yes, even if that means moving on. Blessings to you in the New year. I'd love to hear from you. Liz
Please don't feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with your partner due to his flaccid penis. To add insult to injury, his penile dysfunction is probably caused by his drinking all day. The problem is this. While you have "stood by your man" for whatever your reasons, you have done yourself, and him no favours. His problems have gotten worse, and so have yours. He is unable to seek help himself because he is suffering in active addiction. Gaining help from the right people is what you need to do. You've had a hard time, and your husband is also having a hard time (although he may be in a stupor or fog, and in denial). What you have to do is not be in denial yourself. The fact that he sits and drinks all day has got to be a problem, not just in the bedroom. Think of all the things that you are not doing as a couple., think of all the missed conversations you could be having. It is important for couples to both enjoy their sex lives, especially when you're younger. Male penile dysfunctions happens for many different reasons, and many happily married folks choose to deal with it, if there's no other issues. But you do have other issues in your marriage that are obviously not optimal especially if his erectile dysfunction is stopping you from enjoying sex, or having kids. The help you need , you can get from a therapist. I would suggest that when you go to a local Addictions Therapist, to find out all your options. Many times the Addictions Therapist will act on your behalf as well, and give you therapy, or if it is in your best interests suggest that you get your own personal therapist. This might be the best way for you to go. I think you should access both an Addiction's Therapist to discuss your husband and how his drinking has affected your marriage, the fact that you are no longer happy enabling him (ie. having sex with an alcoholic partner that has a flaccid penis, while he continues to drink and make it worse). Staying with an alcoholic and allowing them to drink all day is enabling the alcoholic partner. This is no blame game, only what happens when otherwise good people come into contact with the alcohol and drug dependency epidemic currently ravaging the world. It's never too late to get the right help that will help in the right way. After talking to professionals, be it your own Personal Therapist, and Addiction's Therapist for both you and your husbadn, and maybe even a Marriage Counselor, it might be in your best interests to move on. It may well be suggested to you by one or all three of the above for you to give your husband an ultimatum of seeking help, or you will have to leave. Why leave? Because otherwise you are enabling your husband to continue to hurt himself and you. Do you have family that you've talked to about this? Are you close to your family, or do you have friends that you can get support from? It is imperative that you do not devalue your feelings by feeling guilty for saying no to sex. A woman should never have sex with a man unless they want to. Otherwise you end up feeling used, and sometimes it even feels like facilitating your own rape. You do deserve much more than that. There is help out there for the alcoholic and the enablers. You have decided by reaching out here to no longer be an enabler. This is the first step i think you may have made, and I congratulate you for making this monumental move, both for you and your husband. He needs to be told that his drinking is affecting his penis and his flaccid penis is affecting you. Have you talked about this to him before?