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How do I not feel guilty about my alcoholic partner's problems?

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and over that time his drinking has gotten worse.  My question is, how do I deal with his lacks in the bedroom? He drinks all day, but isn't abusive, just gets grumpy.  he is happy to pleasure me in bed but expects me to do something with his ever floppy ****.  I hate this and feel guilty because I don't want to do anything with him, I could do better myself!!  His health isn't good, he drinks at work but doesn't see he has a problem.  I just need some suggestions.  I love him to bits but this is going to cause problems in the future.  Please help
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Avatar universal
Al-Anon is the best place for you to start so you can educate yourself about how hopeless it generally is for a family member to deal with an alky. You will see lots of people there explaining how their lives are disrupted by the alky in their life, and lots of people in denial, hoping things will change. Al-Anon provides support and a 12 step process for those who want help dealing with the alky.
An alky will almost never see their drinking as a problem, and always find a way to twist the facts to blame someone else. I drink because my family is a mess and I need something to help me put up with them, or I just drink socially, or I don't have a drinking problem because I manage it. Etc.
About the only option you have with a drinker is to tell him to go to AA or else you will leave. It is unlikely he will quit drinking, and it is best to find out early in a relationship rather than spend a lifetime thinking things would be better if only he would change.
3060903 tn?1398568723
ONE MAN'S GARBAGE IS ANOTHER MAN'S GOLD.
DON'T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER, MEANS ...DUE DILIGENCE.

It take management skills to get through to those with problems with alcoholism or drug addiction. In many cases, ADDICTS (those addicted to drugs or alcohol) HAVE been GROSSLY and NEGATIVELY  affected by family systems, as well as THE MANY acquiring PTSD FOR MANY OTHER REASONS LIKE WAR TERRORISM AND RAPE. It is MOST HELPFUL for ALL addicts to talk to an Addiction's Therapist to deal with why the "addict" imbibed and got addicted in the first place. It is not our place to judge whether it is the addict's fault as to why they became addicted, be it an injury and a doctor over prescribing to them drugs that ruined their lives, or parents that were ineffective.. The blame game is what is HOPELESS.

When an addict is able to seek therapy through an Addiction's Therapist, they can naturally progress  to free themselves of the compulsion to .... imbibe. The ORIGINAL pain be it physical, mental or spiritual is dealt with and the drug and alcohol can then often, at that point, be addressed with the first step being through detox and withdrawal. The best option of an addict, is to attend a Drug and Alcohol or Dual Diagnosis Rehabilitation Facility for either 30, 60 or 90 days. Many times , addicts suffer for years, only because the help that is available to them is being made to them by partners or parents that have lost hope because they themselves have not fully become educated. In other words, there is plenty of help for the addict, but oftentimes enablers do not access the right help for their own reasons.

AA is the aftercare for those heavily addicted ONLY.  AA is often used as the industry standard for ongoing care after the addict has isolated the reason why they started, forgiven themselves and others etc. It's proven efficiency and accessibility (it is free to attend.). So it's important for you to know how to best help the alcoholic in your life.

Al-Anon is helpful for yourself. It allows you to communicate your problems at home, with those that understand. There is a 12 step program available.

I am fortunately an alcoholic and also, the wife of an alcoholic.I have acquired many of my finest traits and abilities due to my latent addictions. My husband's first wife thought he was hopeless, thankfully. When we got together, there were rules. If either of us "used" we would immediately admit to it, and then go into a 90 DAY RESIDENTIAL DRUG AND ALCOHOL RELAPSE PREVENTION PROGRAM. I knew what rules to make. I had educated myself, and I was a better wife. His prior wife refused to educate herself and preferred the blame game. Fortunately, when my husband relapsed, he didn't sleep for days and his underlying schitzophrenia became active. I went to his family doctor and had him committed to the Psychiatric Unit where upon he had therapy and was put on Seroquel that has allowed him to regain and retain proper sleeping patterns for the last 20 years. It was suggested to him that his drinking may have been caused by his need, simply, to go to sleep. Upon his leaving the Psychiatric Unit, he went to the 90 day Residential Treatment Centre. He ran away after 82 days and i picked him up and brought him out for a much deserved dinner. His wife threw him away and I got myself the best man i could have to raise my son. He is sweet, caring , understanding, compassionate, hard working, and THE BEST STEP FATHER MY SON COULD HAVE EVER HAD.

If you want to talk about your particular case, i highly recommend you starting with a local Addictions Therapist. There, you will hear how you can help the addict in your life, and help yourself. Yes, even if that means moving on. Blessings to you in the New year. I'd love to hear from you. Liz
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3060903 tn?1398568723
Please don't feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with your partner due to his flaccid penis. To add insult to injury, his penile dysfunction is probably caused by his drinking all day.  The problem is this. While you have "stood by your man" for whatever your reasons, you have done yourself, and him no favours. His problems have gotten worse, and so have yours. He is unable to seek help himself because he is suffering in active addiction. Gaining help from the right people is what you need to do. You've had a hard time, and your husband is also having a hard time (although he may be in a stupor or fog, and in denial). What you have to do is not be in denial yourself. The fact that he sits and drinks all day has got to be a problem, not just in the  bedroom. Think  of all the things that you are not doing as a couple., think of all the missed conversations you could be having. It is important for couples to both enjoy their sex lives, especially when you're younger. Male penile dysfunctions happens for many different reasons, and many happily married folks choose to deal with it, if there's no other issues. But you do have other issues in your marriage that are obviously not optimal especially if his erectile dysfunction is stopping you from enjoying sex, or having kids. The help you need , you can get from a therapist. I would suggest that when you go to a local Addictions Therapist, to find out all your options. Many times the Addictions Therapist will act on your behalf as well, and give you therapy, or if it is in your best interests suggest that you get your own personal therapist. This might be the best way for you to go. I think you should access both an Addiction's Therapist to discuss your husband and how his drinking has affected your marriage, the fact that you are no longer happy enabling him (ie. having sex with an alcoholic partner that has a flaccid penis, while he continues to drink and make it worse). Staying with an alcoholic and allowing them to drink all day is enabling the alcoholic partner. This is no blame game, only what happens when otherwise good people come into contact with the alcohol and drug dependency epidemic currently ravaging the world. It's never too late to get the right help that will help in the right way. After talking to professionals, be it your own Personal Therapist, and Addiction's Therapist for both you and your husbadn, and maybe even a Marriage Counselor, it might be in your best interests to move on. It may well be suggested to you by one or all three of the above for you to give your husband an ultimatum of seeking help, or you will have to leave. Why leave? Because otherwise you are enabling your husband to continue to hurt himself and you. Do you have family that you've talked to about this? Are you close to your family, or do you have friends that you can get support from? It is imperative that you do not devalue your feelings by feeling guilty for saying no to sex. A woman should never have sex with a man unless they want to. Otherwise you end up feeling used, and sometimes it even feels like facilitating your own rape. You do deserve much more than that. There is help out there for the alcoholic and the enablers. You have decided by reaching out here to no longer be an enabler. This is the first step i think you may have made, and I congratulate you for making this monumental move, both for you and your husband. He needs to be told that his drinking is affecting his penis and his flaccid penis is affecting you. Have you talked about this to him before?  
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Here in Canada, the cost of drug rehab is covered and if rehab is accessed, addictions therapists that deal with the addict and family, are also covered. If you have no such insurance, and there is no chance your husband can get into  a rehab, and refuses to go to AA without fully accessing drug rehabilitation I think you should consider a Separation, in order for both you and him to consider how you can both serve each other well.  Bottom line, if he is more in love with drinking and penile dysfunction than you, it is your time to draw a line in sand. Do you have family that you can move in with until you decide to permanently separate or go back to your husband Depending On How He Choose To Act. There is a much used verse in AA, that i think could help you immensely.

God, Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things i cannot change.
The COURAGE to Change the Things I Can; And the WISDOM to Know the Difference.

I want you to know that you're in my and my husband's thoughts and prayers this New Year. Please know that God is listening and hears you. I think it would help you to go to an "open" meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and listen to some of the stories. In fact, as long as you are living with your husband, I think you should regularly attend AA's Open meetings. (as well as Alanon if you wish for support). The reason why i want you to go to AA, (maybe with a friend or sister) and really listen to all the amazing stories of people that have found sobriety. I think that it would help you make the hard decisions as to whether you stay or go. Or how long you'll wait for your husband to make the right move and attend rehab/AA on his own. You go and watch and listen and learn how there are good men and women that have long years of success at AA.  Talk with as many people as you can afterwards having coffee and doughnuts and putting away chairs, in churches and community centres. Meet the people that maybe you'll be introducing your husband to in the hopefully near future. Nurture your relationship in this way, not in bed.  You can nurture your husband outside of the kitchen and the bedroom. I really think you will find your peace in those rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, getting to know the people in your immediate area that are regaining a foothold in their own lives. Pick up the Big Book and read it. Find out what it is you're asking your husband to do. Give him the book, let him see you reading it. Talk to him about it if you can. (in short form as he probably doesn't have much of an attention span) and leave the book out. If he throws it out, continue going to open meetings and celebrating the clean time with the alcoholics in your community that are achieving clean time. That's my hope for you in the near future. God Speed friend. Please come back and talk to us and all the people that read this that don't chime in , that have the same problems as you. We're all in the same boat, you need never be alone with the pain. It's step 12 of AA. Remember to say the Serenity Prayer above. God knows it helps.
Liz

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