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Alcoholic, Living with an Community
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1963551 tn?1325604592

Husband in Alcohol Rehab and do not know where

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4. We have went to several near death with his over drinking and several rehabs. He is not abusive to me..sweetest man you will ever meet. until he drinks..then i watch him stumble, fall, pee on himself, and pass out. This last time I left the house on Thanksgiving day due to his drunkeness and saying bad things to me..I ended up in the emergency room and hospital for 4 days with bleeding inside due to high blood pressure and stress..When I was in the hospital he had went on one of his destroying the house episodes, doing horrible things, throwing away my medicine, pictures, taking the mattress outside, before he left he cut the water hose and electrical hoses on the dryer and washing machine and flooded the house..He stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks and I told him he had to get help..just couldn't do this anymore. He called and said bye and I found out from his parents that he is in a rehab but he cant write or call..they want tell me where..I filed for divorce and it will be final in Feb..He will have no idea of the divorce..I miss him so much and I know that sounds bad, but we always had fun and did things until the drinking got heavy again. Im paying a lawyer and now I really feel guilty...His mom says let it go..but don't get a divorce..he can't work on a marriage until he works on himself..my thing is ..i need to talk to him before the divorce is final..just to see how he is doing..I am so confused..I do love him so much and miss him..Do I call off the Divorce and wait for him, do i go through with it and maybe down the road we can get back together..i just don't know what to do..
15 Responses
209987 tn?1451939065
If you love him then don't give up!
Regardless of what his folks think, you are NOT his trigger! The booze is his trigger...and his own free will!

Maybe going through with the divorce will help things in the end?
When he gets out, he will surely look for you.
If he's serious about you, and serious about staying sober, then give him another chance at that point.
You've gone this far already...and if he returns to drinking, do you really want that life back?
Dating for several months once he gets out ( assuming he comes looking for you ) will be a good way to see if he remains sober.
You can always re-marry at a later date...and having a new anniversary date would be a good way to start with a clean slate.
He can "court" you once he's clean...even if he has to "sneak around behind his mommy's back". lol

I don't know...just giving you more things to think about I guess.
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor as a vet's assistant.
Have you joined the dog forum yet? I have many questions on there. lol
209987 tn?1451939065
It's a hard choice you are facing.
My advice? Follow your heart.
IF he really is in rehab for the long haul, it can mean a clean slate and a better marriage.
If it were ME, I would postpone it, but not until your lawyer tracks him down to make sure that he really is in rehab.
As his wife ( depending on where you live ) I believe you have a legal right to know where he is and how he's doing.
I know ( from my dad having been in those places a few times, and my ex husband as well ) that they are not permitted to have any outside contact for a certain time period.
However, if your mother in law knows where he is and she has been obtaining info on his health progress, then you, as his wife should have the same knowledge.
If he has asked the staff not to tell you anything then it may be a different story.
IF that is the case, then you could stick around, call your hubby's family periodically for updates, and if it seems he's on the right track then stay.
I'm pretty sure ( again, depending on where you live and the laws ) that if your lawyer calls around they will have to disclose his whereabouts to him...even if it's to deliver the divorce papers...which your husband must sign. I believe he must be notified of a pending divorce.
My ex husband ditched me for a mail order bride...tried to get a divorce behind my back...he ended up having to tell me because the law here states that I must have a chance to defend myself / or deny the divorce.
My dad had problems like that too. He tried until the day he died to get a divorce...that's the law...he had done everything he was legally responsible to do. He called her family asking for her last known address, phone number, etc...all because the law states that you must inform the other person...there is a time limit though...if they ( or you ) are unable to find the other person after X many number of years then the divorce can go through.
Again, check with your lawyer on that.

I don't know...sounds like you love him way too much to just let go.
You seem to understand that it's the booze doing this to him, and that he's a victim of it's hold on him.
Anyway, none of us here can tell you what to do, but we can hold your ( virtual ) hand while you're going through it.

We're here for you, remember that.
Keep us updated please.

BIG HUGZ!!
1963551 tn?1325604592
Thank you so much for the kind words..The thing is.I have signed papers to pay my lawyer $300 a month..and I am in Texas..there is a 60 day cooling off which Feb 7 the divorce will be final. I have alot to think about..My family hates him..but, it is not my family that loves him like I do. The lawyer is posting a notice on the courthouse door..that is all they are required to do in Texas when you do not know the wearabouts of the person..However, if the judge decides more needs to be done they will serve his parents to try to get info from them. My feelings are if he wants to call and when he is ready he will call..I don't think he can right now..I just sent his mom a text to see if she gets progress reports from him..She will most likely say "NO" just like that..They tried to keep us apart the last time..He stayed with them for 6 months..I had to get him a cell so we could keep in touch..They felt like I was his trigger..But like i said ..this is all up to him..When the time comes..i believe he will call when he can..because he did send a Christmas card...although it didn't say much, he was thinking about me. I do think he should know of the pending divorce so he can fight it if he wants to..He told me he would never give up on me the last time we talked..I really think when it comes down to it..they are going to have to notify him..so then i will know where he is...I do know I love him..and I have went through alot with him..I was very depressed yesterday..doing better today..Been applying for jobs, and I have been studying to be a Vet Assistant..I had put that on hold during all this and I am ready to put my mind back into the studying..Don't have much more to go on it.so I need to stick to it to keep my mind occupied..I was layed off from my other job a year ago..It is really hard to find a job right now that pays as much as unemployment..but, with Gods help I will do it. Thanks again for the talk..I will keep you updated..She still hasn't texted me back..and she is probaly not going to..That is the way they are..In their eyes..I kicked him out..so why should i know anything..but, i did it to help him, tough love...I probaly saved their son and they dont realize it
82861 tn?1333457511
Usually I say a crisis situation like this isn't the time for hard and fast decisions about something as important and life-altering as divorce.  However, you are the only one who knows if you've really had enough and if the marriage is really over for your part.  Your husband has a whole lot of work to do even when he gets out of detox and rehab.  It may be some time before he's ready to even talk to you about it.  Shame and guilt are going to overwhelm him for a while so in a way it's a good thing that you two have a little separate space for the moment.  

It's not uncommon for people in rehab to spend the first week or so cut off from their old lives.  For one thing, they're usually so sick from detox that visiting physically isn't an option.  Second, the separation is a tool to get them immersed in the recovery program and away from anything that will trigger a relapse until they have the beginnings of a lifeline to avoid it.

What a shame that his parents really believe they can control their son and his life.  It sounds like he's allowed them to do that for a long time so don't expect him to wake up and be independent any time soon, if ever.

Divorce or not, this is a great time for you to work on yourself and check out Al-Anon.  Congratulations on your decision to finish your schooling!  That's a wonderful start to a new life.  Adding Al-Anon can only make it even better.  Most rehab facilities offer aftercare for family members.  If you ever find out where he's at, see if you can attend.  Some places charge extra for family aftercare; some include it.  Just like Al-Anon, family aftercare isn't about the alcoholic's issues or how to control them, it's about our issues and how to control our own behavior.  (Something tells me his family won't participate either way.)  Here's hoping for a truly new year for you both!
1963551 tn?1325604592
Jay Jay..how can i help him if i don't know where he is? I have heard that some of these places hold you for 60 days before any contact...After watching "intervention" some show 90 days..I was attending Al Anon and stopped ..but I am going to start back. If he can contact me then I am wondering why he has not..It has been over a month. Like you said it could be from shame and quilt. I just want him to know that I do love him and a chance to talk to him before all this goes through..Even if I knew where he was I wouldn't try to contact him because either he can't or want contact me so best that I wait. The lawyer called and told me today i have to sign a affidavit of service..so this will make the divorce take longer since I believe the judge is wanting my husband to be served and found. Thanks for listening and the advise...I will keep yall posted..It is the not knowing that is hurting me...not knowing how he is, is he afraid to call, just don't know..
82861 tn?1333457511
In today's world, nobody can be held in rehab against his will without a court order so I'll go out on a limb and guess that he's just not ready to talk with you yet.  Who knows why?  Maybe his family is filling his head with a bunch of bunk or he's just too ashamed of himself to make contact yet.  Maybe helping him really means standing back and giving him space to do whatever it is he needs to do right now.  

I wish I had some words of comfort for you.  Try not to stress too much about the divorce proceedings.  You've done what you needed to do to get it rolling so let the process play out while you immerse yourself in school.  The prize is getting peace and sanity back in your life whether he is part of it or not. It's so easy to lose sight of the goal if you get consumed with details you can't control.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to stand back and tell myself to let things play out however they're going to play out, so I do know how difficult it is.  Well, torturous might be a better word.  :-)
1963551 tn?1325604592
yes just found out he can call or write..it hurts to know that..I let him go to help him..does he not realize that? Don't I deserve a call to say, I'm ok working on myself...my gosh..with what i went through i really shouldn't care but, i do care..finding this our makes me wonder if he just wants to move on..without me. If i were him i would have at least tried to call and find out about my dog, my clothes, how my wife or husband is doing..good grief..i deserve just a letter.
82861 tn?1333457511
Ouch.  Nothing like a knife to the heart, is there?  There were times that I too felt like I should have a medal to show the world what I've endure.  Funny, nobody's offered me one yet!

One of the things Al-Anon teaches is to not resent the method of recovery.  That's one of the hardest things for me to do.  It's hard to accept that recovery and how they do it is entirely up to them, even if we don't agree with it.  I don't blame you at all for being angry with him.  I would be too!  

I do ask you to try to understand that he's dealing with a whole lot of shame and guilt right now. He may not be ready to face you yet.  Believe me, they really do know everything they've done wrong and how badly they mess up other people's lives - and worse, how they wrecked the lives of the people they love the most and are closest to.  In the early days of detox and sobriety they're flooded with emotions, mostly negative emotions.  He could very easily be afraid of your reaction if he calls, so avoiding you seems to be a safe bet right now.

How did you find out he can call and write?  Did you find out where he is?  If so, there's nothing stopping you from sending him a letter.  Maybe if you make the first move in a non-confrontational way you'll hear from him.  There is too much at stake here to play a waiting game.  If you're serious about the divorce you can at least write and tell him it's coming.  If you're using the threat of divorce to try to shock him into sobriety, stop right now.  It doesn't work, at least, not for long when they find out you were never serious in the first place.

We can speculate all day long about what's going on in his head, and you may wait forever waiting on him to make the first move.  Does it really matter who jumps first?  Divorce or not, the two of you have some things to work out together and that process takes time and trust from both parties.

By all means, continue to love him!  There is no shame in loving an alcoholic.  Sometimes you just can't live with one and continue to have a life of your own and one that is good and has meaning.  That's entirely up to you.  

Have you made it back to Al-Anon yet?  
209987 tn?1451939065
I agree entirely with Jaybay's post.

When my second husband was in rehab we had no communications for many months. He was allowed to call or write,( after the initial first 2 weeks of not being allowed outside communication due to the withdrawls) but he later told me that it was too hard to do so as he felt much shame and guilt. He had kept a diary while he was in there, and he chose to share that with me once he came home...and the WHOLE diary was about me! He talked of how he missed me, and how he had screwed up MY life along with his own. All I kept seeing in those pages was remorse, guilt, anxiety, and his wonderment at how I could have stayed so long.
He couldn't bare to face me...even when he first came home...he avoided me like the plague for the first few days.
It had been very uncomfortable at first.
Thankfully I had a good friend who had gone through this before. She told me to make sure that I didn't bring up the past with him. She told me not to pick any fights with him about the stupid things...picking up his dirty socks, toilet seat lowering, etc...because he was having to re-learn all these things without his alcohol, drugs, and gambling addiction.
All in all, I was hurt pretty badly when I found out that they had "family days" at the center he was at...they had bbq's, outings, etc...and he had chosen to deny my presence. That stung pretty badly...but after reading his diary and listening to him when we started to talk, I realized why he had done that...to protect himself.
In those places they teach them that they have to think of themselves first.
Which is good...because if you don't, then you have no chance of recovery.

I suggest that if you're going to call or write him to make sure ( as Jaybay has pointed out) that you don't "nag him" or use any negativeness.
Just say " Hey. Hear that you're doing okay. Glad you're getting better. I miss you and love you." Short, to the point, and nothing negative.
Or write to him and tell him about the divorce.
You can tell him to expect it, or tell him what you have told us...that you still love him and don't really want to go through with it, but that you need to know what HE wants.
As Jaybay has said,  he's waiting to hear something nasty come out of your mouth...he's expecting you to pick a fight with him...and he's probably thought up a retort already.
As far as "...I let him go to help him..does he not realize that?"
Probably not yet...he probably hasn't figured that out yet...he's probably thinking that you have no love for him...or perhaps your in-laws have been in contact with him and told him everything...in their "own words" of course.
As you've mentioned in the past, they seem to think you're what made him this way to begin with...so I doubt that they would tell him anything positive about you.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
1963551 tn?1325604592
Well let me tell you what has happened since Thursday. Not sure how religious yall are but, here goes..Thursday night I prayed and prayed and just asked for something to let me know that he was thinking about us or if he is ok. I mean some heavy praying, reading the AA book and another self help book, the bible. Friday I got a letter from a church that said "thank you for visiting that Sunday and i'm thinking, i haven't been to this church..I called them and they called right back and said that a visitor card was filed out with my name and that it said for the pastor to contact me..On the back it said "Please pray for my husbands safe return home"..I just started crying.."here was my answer..in a small way, but an answer"..in his eyes i was there with him at church,..The pastor said he will send me the card...Today I go to church, go to the alter and pray, and pray with the pastors wife about John and how i would love to hear from him. I get home and my inlaws call and tell me that they saw him today for the first time and that he has a 15 page letter for me..He can call out but, it is long distance so that is why he has not called..Can't mail a letter he has no stamps..no one has supplied him with all of this. Now I know, all this time he has wanted to contact me but, couldn't.  His mother said she is mailing the letter to me tomorrow. Hopefully it will say how to get in touch with him..(as I still only know he goes to a church in Longview TX which the place takes them to on Sunday and Wed..) So now i sit and wait for the letter. I postponed the divorce and depending on what this letter says, all depends on if i go through with it or not. My inlaws live close enough that they took him some warm clothes and a tooth brush. You see I am 2.5 hours away but, I would be more than happy to take him a care package, go to the meetings, whatever it takes..he just needs to communicate with me. It is strange how all this has come about since I really sat down and thought about, how I was not very supportive to him these last few months..The more I read and think about his life, the more I want to be supportive, but at the same time take care of myself.  I know it is going to take alot of time to be ready to live together again but, hey, i am up for the alanon, prayers, anything I need to do to keep our marriage together. At first his parents said he could call because they thought he could since he called them a few times..but, she said she was not getting in the middle of our relationship so choose not to give me any messages from him..She told him to write me. Sounds like if it is 15 pages..it is the journal like you got tschock...I am happy right now but, at the same time nervous as to what this letter will say. I had even thought about driving to that church on a Sunday and trying to see him..but then i thought i should wait. Why drive that far to be disappointed. She said she told him about me getting the letter from the church and he smiled and then she said she told him that she had no dought in her mind that I loved him and she said he just smiled again..All i can think of is that big sweet smile of his.Thanks for all your advise and I will still keep you posted..I should get the letter Tuesday or Wednesday so we will see how things go from there. I have nothing nasty to say to him..I love this man with all my heart..and I can forgive the past and help him work on his addiction. as we can help each other through this.
1963551 tn?1325604592
oh and i will be going back to alanon tomorrow..and starting back at bible study so all this will keep me occupied and continue getting myself ready for when he does come home.
209987 tn?1451939065
All I can say is ...how romantic.

Please keep us updated...we all appreciate a good romance novel. lol

82861 tn?1333457511
God does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He?  :-)  This is what happens when we stand back (or are held back by a higher power) and allow someone else to chart his own course.  What a wonderful, inspiring story!

See what I mean about speculating?  Here you were ready to believe the worst about your in-laws and your husband while there were forces at work leading up this point.  Your MIL was absolutely right to stand back and let her son find a way to communicate with you.  Reaching out to you is his job - not hers. Many people, particularly those in early recovery, find communicating with loved ones easier to do in writing.  No interruptions, no stress worrying that the wrong word will set off an argument, less chance of what they want to say being misinterpreted.  He obviously has a lot he needs to get off his chest and the result is a 15-page letter.  That is such a healing experience.

Keep on doing what you're doing!  You're on your way to your recovery too.  :-)
1963551 tn?1325604592
Good grief..now i tell my mom a little about all this today and she tells me if i call off the divorce and go back to him i can forget about a relationship with them..And you wonder why my mind is a mess.
209987 tn?1451939065
I hear ya...I have a mother like that too.

You know she's saying that because she doesn't want to see you go through all of this again...but to go to such extremes is very unfair.

You'll have to do what I started doing with my mom...just don't talk about anything other than the weather.

You're a mother, so try and see it from her point of view...this isn't the first time your daughter has gone through this with this man. You've heard your daughter cry and complain about things, and it breaks your heart to hear this story over and over again. You can't understand why your daughter isn't "growing up". Why is she sticking with a man that abuses her in this way?

As a mother, you yourself know that you hate to see your children getting hurt. You want what is best for them...as does your mother want what is best for you.
However, she is going about this the wrong way. It is YOUR life, YOUR marriage...she has/had her own. It is time for her to "let go" and let you live your life the way you see fit...but she won't...why? Because she's your mommy...and she feels that it's her duty, her responsibility to control your life. lol
Face it...NO man is ever going to be good enough for you...in her eyes anyway. lol
My mom hates my sweetie too. Just because she had a bad marriage with my alcoholic father. She also hated my ex...until he became my ex that is.
I have dated some pretty nice guys in the past...she found fault in every single one of them...even the R.C.M.P officer that I once dated.
My advice? Only talk to her about the weather. lol
If you talk to her again, tell her what you told us...that you're going to wait to make sure he's really quit this time, and if he doesn't...then it's over for good. But make sure that you stick to that.
Make sure not to say anything negative about him either...ever again. To her that is. If you talk about him with her, only tell her positive things.
I'm sure she'll try to involve your son by asking him questions, but that's to be expected. Ask him not to discuss your personal life with her.
My eldest son knows what his grandmother is like...she hates his gf AND her mom. lol

Good luck with "mommy troubles".
We're rootin for ya!
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