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Alcoholic, Living with an Community
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Avatar universal

Is it better for both of us if I leave?

Hi,

I met the most amazing man a few months back, and as time went on his addiction to painkillers (there's no living with a drug addict forum, sorry...) spiraled out of control and led to abuse, psychotic behavior (actually a display of every symptom of borderline personality disorder), self-mutilation, destruction, etc. Basically, this man hit rock bottom and I was so codependent I completely obsessed over him and let myself and my own mental health go.

After a particularly abusive episode on this past July 4th he admitted for the first time that he'd been addicted for 4 years, that it was a problem, and that he needed help to get clean. So, I took him to detox, and he is now in a 120 day sober living program. He's working really hard, and has accepted responsibility for his life, etc., and he wants to be together when he gets out of this program.

The problems are that relationships are triggers for recovering addicts, and after myself growing up with an alcoholic mother all of my life (I see now why I got so sucked into codependency with him) I fear for my own well being and future with this person.

The treatment center he's in is very adamant about not being in a romantic relationship or fraternizing with women, and I know his parents have cut him off from their support system, and I'm just wondering if it would be best if I just detach as well. Addicts need time to rediscover themselves after being dependent on substances and other people for so long, right? Would I be a distraction from his recovery? I was an enabler and a codependent after all, and I'm currently trying to help myself so that I never repeat that behavior again.

I love this person and am willing to give it a shot after we both get the help we need and heal from these destructive behaviors, but should I give it the full year suggested by the treatment program and limit contact now until then? I have a better understanding of my behavior now and so does he, and he seems really serious about staying clean and has fully accepted responsibility and is working so hard. I just don't want to do anything to sabotage that.

Any thoughts? Thanks.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
In my experience (my husband is an alcoholic), anything and everything will act as a trigger: a particular song, suitcase, you name it!  He needs to develop new routines and new patterns when he comes out of rehab and that takes some time and plenty of will power.  He knows what his triggers are (probably so do you?).  My suggestion is not to give up on him (although that may be the best in the long run), but allow him time to form those new routines.  Whatever the routines were in your relationship, don't repeat them.  And see what happens.  It can be good and it can be bad and the worst for us around them is the relapse.  Give it a shot, but don't hold your hopes up too high.  Stay strong, be yourself, be determined and write down a list of things that you will not put up with and stick to that!
Avatar universal
Continue to address your codependency issues, Recovery is not a passing fancy but a process, this means over a period of time, usually a lifetime. It's not that it will be something of drudgery but self-discovery and spiritual awakening, you will get to a point wherein you will peel back layers of yourself and question this nd that hopefully w/a therapist or A.A. or N.A. sponsor. Do not be surprised if you find out this is not his first attempt at recovery ( speak w/his parents. If they have cut him off its most likely because they are sick and tired of going through it w/him). The therapist are correct, a relationship will only defocus him and you from going through the individual process of recovery, there are so many aspects to this that I cant discuss here, but I can strongly suggest that you detach now. If you have returned to this relationship, make separate meetings as well as some together, both of you should have sponsors. I only state this as an alternative cause you will ultimately do what you think is best for you and that may include returning to this codependent relationship. You both need to heal you both were sick, that is why you'll attracted each other-an evil electic pull. Don't take offense, iI'm just keeping it real. Addiction attacks the spirit of the person as you were able to see(bi-polar behaviors). You need to focus on yourself before getting involved w/another. this way your chances of attracting someone who is healthy is increased.  God bless and guide ur decisions ( I'm not coming at you religiously  but spiritually) In recovery you will find the difference!!!! Keep me posted.
1488210 tn?1289069577
obviously you've already invested time and love into this relationship, maybe seeing a counselor together will help you both decide what's best. If you're both dedicated to recovery and doing well you could work on recovery and stay together, splitting could be a trigger for either one of you (you getting into another codependant relationship, him relapsing). However I'm not at all saying stay together for fear of his relapse, that's not healthy for you. If your with him for fear about his health, that's no good for you. I don't know where you're at now since you wrote this a couple months ago, but I hope all is well. A lot of time when they say wait on relationships their talking about if you're not already in one or in a casual one. This sounds like more than that so it's a tough decision. Professionals can really help you through this, as well as alanon. Good luck.
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