Alcoholic, Living with an Community
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Avatar universal

Married to a bipolar/alcoholic husband 10 years 7 Children

I’ve been married for 10 years in about 10 days is our anniversary. My husband has struggled with alcoholism our entire marriage. I didn’t know coming into the marriage that he was an alcoholic. So I’ve tried to stop him from drinking in manu ways. Nothing has helped. I was so wrapped up into getting him to stop about a year  ago I realized he has some mental issues and I have become a codependent without realizing it. I only fought for him to stop because I love him and believed he loved me. Now that I’m no longer in the dark he’s more angry with me than he used to be. He’s controlling, mean, says he doesn’t care about losing his family one minute and says he will never leave the next. He works 15 hours a day and comes home and drinks and sits in his car until the wee hours of the morning. He wakes me up by coming in so late and when confronted he says I give him no peace. Although I won’t say anything to him and will allow him to drink it is t until I’m woken up by the alarm on the door or walking past the door to it being unlocked at the wee hours of the morning. My ranting and ultimatums don’t scare him. He’s been promising to get help but hasn’t. He speaks to me terrible and vulgar and when I protect myself he says I talk too much. He’s getting worse he never wanted me to work in 10 years now he wants me to have nothing if we divorce. He has threatened me with divorce and says he’s not coming home tonight. No one understands everyone says just up and leave you’re entitled to half. He says I won’t get the best of him. I’ve been in counseling for a year. He says it hasn’t done anything for me but he hasn’t gotten Help one time in 10 years. He gets meaner by the minute. I’m lost he’s all I know. He says I’m nothing without him. I helped build his career and recently took my energy because he was being unappreciative and put it into starting my own business every since he’s getting more
And more mean. He recently embarrassed me in a abroad airport, posted on Facebook Facebook on our used to be joint page that a divorce was coming soon. Says he hates me and at any little rift he’s back on the bottle. He will ignore me for days and accuse me of initiating drama. He refuses to have a conversation and seems to want out but he stays and antagonizes so it confuses me. He knows he has drinking issues paired with mental illness and he uses my mouth as an excuse why he never follows through. Do I leave if so how? He treats me inhuman says I’ll never be or have anything without him. I never back down and it’s l he’s determined to break me.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
You have had therapy for a year, so i imagine you are aware of Al-Anon for victims like yourself. It is a place where you can see others who have suffered, and note that most are in denial of Step one that you are powerless to affect the alky. Many people will complain about their alky spouse for years but they are attracted to the dependency issue where they are always looking after the alky, then when they separate they quickly find another one to start the cycle again. Have you gone to Al-Anon?

If an alky won't go to AA, he doesn't have much chance of dealing with his alky issue, since they deny the problem exists.
Discussing your therapy with him doesn't sound like a good idea. The way I am reading your comment is he has turned the tables on you to make his alky problem into one where it is you at fault and 'says it hasn’t done anything for me."
Does he take his bi-polar meds? If unwilling to do that there is not much chance of managing this issue either.
3060903 tn?1398568723
Your entire post is about you and him, and how he hurts you. What about your kids? How do you think that your kids are being affected with a mother who takes abuse and can't help but focus her emotional energy on an alcoholic? How many of your kids do you think might grow up to be like him? or you? accepting less and less every minute? I grew up with an alcoholic father, who sounds alot like your husband. Out of 4 kids, 3 were alcoholic drug addicts, and one was morbidly obese with mental problems. All 4 kids were affected by both the alcoholic father and the ineffective mother. You should think about getting your kids out, even if that means living in a shelter and staying on welfare. You can go back to school, and find a job. You don't need him. You probably can take half of what he has if he has anything, My dad didn't but your husband might, and if he does, a family shelter will provide you with a legal aid lawyer to handle the specifics. I'm sorry to say this, but as it stands, you are as much of a problem to your kids as he is. In fact, it was my mother who took the most flak from her kids when they grew up for staying. For making us all stay. My mother thought she would be considered a martyr but that backfired, big time after all her kids became addicted violent etc and lost years and years of their adult lives to the things that were missing in their childhood. Maybe you need to look at this situation from another angle, i can't believe that your therapist thinks it's okay to raise children like this.  Are you refusing to take a therapists's advice to take your children and leavet?
When i was a child, i blamed myself for being born as to why my mother had to stay with an alcoholic. Now, i just wonder 1. why she had 4 kids with a maniac?  2. why she stayed?  when there was so much help out there for women to leave and work for themselves. Think of your kids when they're adults and figure it out now how you want them to look and feel about you.  You know how they're going to feel about a dad who stayed drunk, but you need to worry about how your kids will feel about you. Make them proud and find your way out. You need to ask advice from a women's shelter, at this point. Ultimatums with no action mean less and less to a mean drunk. Don't waste your breath threatening if you have no intention of following through. If you think about this for a minute you'll understand why. If you can't follow through why would you expect him to?
3060903 tn?1398568723
There is also another option for you, which may be something that you feel would be more comfortable for you and will take no change from him. You can change you You say that your husband works 15 hours a day, and mentioned going 'abroad" so your lifestyle sounds comfortable. If you are not going to leave if he doesn't stop drinking, i suggest (for the first time ever) that you stop threatening him, that you don't show anger or emotion if he comes in and wakes you, perhaps you can even get him to sleep in the garage, make it a man cave, maybe sweet talk him into staying in the garage so you are not awoken by him so you can get enough sleep to get up and look after your kids. Maybe because of the number of kids you have, but i get the feeling that you're more comfortable with him, that you would be apart. You must have feelings for him to have so many children. I think if you backed  off being aggressive with him, and accept that he's a drunk and always will be, it might help you out. I think it would be easier on your kids to accept him for what he is, rather than start fights because of it. If you are not able to scare him that you're going to leave (and mostly it works out that an enabler finally does leave in order to have any effect on the alcoholic). But , if you're not going to leave, stop inciting fights and arguments about stuff that is never going to change. Just learn to accept it as gracefully as you can, for the sake of the kdis. If you can't leave for the kids, at least try to stop any drunken arguments in the middle of the night. Likely your kids would never know what time he came in, or when he was drinking, if he indeed works 15 hours days and spends the rest of his time drinking and sleeping. I'm in NO WAY being sarcastic here, i think if you are not going to leave, you really should stop the fight. You are always going to lose. The only thing a drunk understands is when the enabling STOPS. I'm an alcoholic who was moved by a custody arrangement to quit all drugs and alcohol. Ive talked about all the things i did to regain custody of my son in earlier posts and comments you can read. if your not going to leave, as a child of an alcoholic, please stop letting your kids know the play by play of what you'r'e angry about. They do wake up and hear you while you're fighting. Nothing changes with these fights. It only brings attention to it which is exactly what your kids don't need to hear about.

Stay or go, do it the right way for your kids who did not ask to be born and will blame you if they are awakened night after night while going through grade school. It WILL AFFECT them throughout their lives.with grades and relationships. While your kids may not blame "mommy" when they're very young, they will blame "Mother" in the end. Trust me. I've lived it. through to almost the end of days and you have to worry about your kids,and making their experience the priority, or you'll regret it, big time.
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