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My Mother & Father

Both of my parents are alcoholics, they have been for as long as I can remember. When I try to tell them to ease up on it a bit, they get angry with me. I expect it. I’m very concerned about their health, especially my dad; he’s drunk nearly everyday. Not only is it hurting them but it’s creating a massive impact on my life as well. There are days when I’m afraid to come out of my room and be within their presence, because they’re exceptionally violent, to the point where I’ve had to call the police, for they were about to kill each other. It’s getting worse in worse, these people are literally psychotic. They need help but I can’t get them to listen to me. What do you recommend?

Any help would be appreciated.
18 Responses
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332074 tn?1229560525
Sadly unless they put you, themselves, or others in danger, there is not anything you can do. If however you are afraid for your life, you need to turn them in. As difficult as it maybe, just never give up on them. For you I would suggest you contact Alanon, they can tell you how you can live with this in your life. There is help out there so don't be afraid to use it.
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362936 tn?1218022495
A minor/child should not have to deal with this kind of stuff.  I do not know your age but am assuming since you still live at home you are a minor. You or someone you trust could report  to the Department of Health and Human Services and think about being removed from the house for your safety.  This behavior is not only destructive to them it is abusive to you.  You cannot change people, you can always love them and hope they will see the light, but not change them.  You can do things for yourself and make changes to make your life better.  If you are over 16 you could also think about filing for emancipation from your parents or if you have someone who would take you in get your parents to sign over partial power of attorney and get out of your house.  Remember doing things for yourself does not mean you do not love your family.  I agree to with the above.  Reach out.  Go to Alanon or Alateen talk with a guidance counselor at your school or school social worker, inform other relatives about your situation, talk to your friends and their parents.  Do not hide this.  You have yourself and your future to think of and right now you are the most important concern.  Here is the link to Alateen http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen.html and here is the link to Alanon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/  Thinking and praying for you, Maineamy...
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Avatar universal
Yeah, I'm 16. I'm more concerned about their health than mine. I recently got a job so that's been helping me cope with it A LOT, by being out there around other people it takes my mind off things. I actually dropped out in 9th grade because I couldn't deal with everything that was going on, people were treating me like I didn't fit in there or anywhere for that matter, I get that at home too so it's not the best. I had no where to escape. I thought about committing suicide everyday, but the only thing that kept me here was part of me saying things will change and I have a chance, and the words of my grandmother, "You're going to be someone important, you know that? The only reason why I'm still here is because of you."

It's so frustrating when you try to help someone and they won't listen, and they put their wants before their needs.

Thanks jml1986 and maineamy for responding.
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Avatar universal
Hi, You are not alone but I know that willnot hepl you. And lots of people will be giving you ways to cope with parents who are alcoholic. You are NOT their keepers and your Gran should not be putting pressure on you. For goodness sake you are only 16 and you should be out enjoying the world and not looking after those who brought you into the world. They have had their lives and they are living their lives in the selfish way they have decided. they cannot see beyond the bottle and they are probably resentful of each others drinking. "that was mine" "Where is this?" "what have you done with my..."  IT GOES ON AND ON....They will not be able to see beyond anything closer than their booze.
You are a good person and a young person who wants to live life and to enjoy life. I say you are good, because you have not decided to kill your parents before now. That was a joke. You seem to be patient and strong enough to want change. Look you wrote here. Do you have pals who will support you? Do you need to be at home with your folks all the time? Do they have a dependance on you? They ought not to unless they are unable to make choices for themselves. They may say they have an ilness and many do say that Alcoholism is an illness. BUT alcoholics, Unlike Cancer sufferers, CAN HEAL themselves. THey can PUT THE CORK ON THE BOTTLE, face the reality of life, and it is **** sometimes, but hey isn't it awlays for many of us.
You tell them you have had enough. And dont you ever think of harming yourself. Dont. that is way to easy. You have a a life. whether or not you see it as worthwhile, it is. I wish I was there to talk to you face to face but we cannot.
Keep writing, get on to friends maybe someone will put you up, a family member a cousin whoever. Let your parents know you have had enough. I know al anon and al ateen suggest ways to cope while living with the alcoholic, but you have to leave a meeting and go home and try to cope. it can be so frustrating a disheartining. Cope yes, but plan your [precious life. Dont be cruel to yourself or anyone else in your persuit of freedom from their fights and arguments. You are a good person and you desreve oh so much more....
***@****
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Avatar universal
me above....michael   at   74   dot   ru
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Avatar universal
Haha I read the last comment first, I was I like huh?

Oh no my grandmother wasn't pressuring me into anything, she was just saying that as a friend/grandmother, letting me know that I'm an important person and she cares. I don't even know if she's alive, that's how close my family is. I agree with having patients, I can assure you they're running pretty short though. They always think I'm stealing their beer, well I have a few times because all I need is two and I'm in a pretty good mood, mercifully I know I'm a happy drunk and not a violent one like my parents. Strangely enough they've offered it to me on certain occasions, on Christmas I drank three bottles of Arbor Mist... shhhh... I'm hopping that doesn't make me a hypocrite. Well no because I'm not in their situation, although it is illegal isn't it. : / Eeek. However, I do have friends and all, but they don't always support me.
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Avatar universal
Just got off the "grief and loss" forum where you posted your grandmother died in 2005 -
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Avatar universal
I'm talking about my father's mom, my mother's mom isthe one who died.
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Avatar universal
is the*
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365714 tn?1292199108
I'm just a lurker. I have been really lucky to have good parents, both non alcoholics as far as I know. They aren't perfect parents, and they don't always get along, but they have tried over the years to be good to my sister and me.  What got me interested in alcoholism is my obsession with writing and developing characters. Through my research I've learned a bit about alcoholism. Though I am aware I will not know nearly as much as someone suffering it first hand, I think I know a bit more than a complete outsider who hasn't done research.

That's sad to hear about your parents and I hope you can find the help and support you need. My concern is (that got me posting here); there is a known genetic link with alcoholism. If I was in your situation I would be very cautious about drinking anything, knowing that there is the genetic risk to develop later in life. You may be a happy drunk now, but that may or may not be true 5, 10 years in the future...
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Avatar universal
Hey I've talked to you before, how've you been?

I see what you're saying about the hereditary connection of alcoholism; I've been attempting to drag myself away from this predicament as much as I can…

Thank you lots for your response. :]
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365714 tn?1292199108
You're welcome.
I'm fine. Still living on a nocturnal schedule... It seems that's when I'm the most creative once again... I don't lurk the sleep forum or the depression one as much as the autism and alcoholism forums.  Thinking back there were times my mom was concerned about my dad's drinking, and there were times his breath smelled that way, but I have never seen him drunk.  He's been a good father. I am no longer with my parents anymore. I had to move to a state with better health care.

One of my favorite pranks was to fill a beer bottle with water and food coloring to make it look perfectly like the genuine thing. (I was angry about being forced to do the dishes at the time) 4th of July came and my dad was like "This beer tastes awefully watery!" He got a good laugh and was good natured about it.  I don't know what would happen if you tried it with your parents...  If you do try it, I think it may be good to go far away as soon as they realize...
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365714 tn?1292199108
I wanted to add that I took an empty bottle and did the prank, so he didn't get any less. The timing turned out pretty good though. Dad got brown colored water to drink for the fireworks. He thought it was very clever of me and still does. I'm so ornery, lol.

If you wish to do that with your parents, perhaps set up a camcorder, set on record, and then flee like heck as soon as they discover... (like one would do after attempting to knock down a baldface hornet nest)

I hope things work out. The best we can do is hope and pray for things to change and for them to want that change. In the mean time do what you can to find support and stay away from doing anything that could lead to you ending up as bad as them.
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Avatar universal
That’s good. My sleeping pattern is all messed up now, now I’m up at night and the day; I haven’t been able to sleep.

That was pretty amusing what you said about the beer and the water, I have to try that! Lol! They most likely would get irritated at first, but I’m sure they’d get over it and laugh at it eventually.

My parents aren’t the best, but they are also not the worst.

[That's something I need to keep reminding myself over time]
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365714 tn?1292199108
You're welcome. Please let me know how that turns out if you do try it. Hopefully they'll find it funny eventually.

That was me putting what I learned from my color theory course in practice. ;)  I happened to do really well mixing paints and matching colors.
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474013 tn?1207640387
Hi Malicious,

I hope you are doing well as can be expected under the circumstances.  I'm lurking also after coming here for some heart advice.  Your post caught my eye, because I've been where you are.  I'm much older now, but I remember it all well; the feelings of loneliness, not fitting in, being more concerned about my parents than myself, taking on parental responsibilities around the house, hiding while the fights were going on, and the list goes on.  

At age 51, I am now estranged from my parents even though they have been recovering for over 20-some years from alcohol.  They quit, but my mother in particular still had a lot of the alcoholic behaviors and traits.  For my own sanity and well-being, I had to stop all communications, quit living in the past, and be selfish I guess.  Unfortunate, and I hope your situation turns out better than that.  For now though, do take care of yourself and know that you will be on your own one day and away from that situation, or at least you will have options in so far as whether you want to be around it.  Get the thought of suicide out of your head for sure.  Keep writing, and consider some of the suggestions made here.  Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.  Your parents will have to deal with their issues, and you really can't save them.  I wish I had the courage when I was your age to ask for help, as I had 5 siblings going through that chaos too.  I think we all would have been better off then and as adults had one of us taken steps to get us out of the situation, and it may have been the "wake-up call" my parents needed to stop the madness a little sooner.  

I too loved to write.  I noticed right off that you have great writing skills...good for you!  I'm also glad though that you found someplace to discuss the issues.  We didn't have Internet when I was your age.  Keep talking, keep writing, and let people know what you're dealing with.  Like suggested, consider putting your trust in a family member or maybe call Alateen.  I'm sure someone would come pick you up and get you to meetings if you don't have a way.  There are 800 numbers in all cities in the phone book or just call 411 for the number.  That would be a great start, because trust me, you are not at all alone.  

I hope also that you won't start drinking yourself--5 out 6 siblings in my family ended up struggling with alcohol problems.  When you watch a parent or parents turn to the bottle for the answer to everything, it's how you learn to deal with everything too.  Don't let that happen to you.  Quit sneaking those drinks.  ;-)  

Will keep you and your parents in my thoughts and prayers.  I'm not a religious person, but I'll say a prayer for you and them too.  Take care of yourself.  
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Avatar universal
I am 28 and losing my mom to liver cancer, kidney cancer, Hep c, so on and so on.
my mom is about to die any time and i found out that she started drinking again yesterday it doesn't matter of our feelings thay don't care. I am not a drunk ( i don't drink) she has been homeless for 12 years, you would think that something would snap them into changing (death) or family but sadely i does not. All i can tell you is however they make you feel, know that yoou are so deserving of all the things they never gave you (love). Keep your head up!  My whole family is a disaster. Show them how happy and great you turn out . they won't change for anyone or anything.  
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Avatar universal
I am 22 and come from a family full of alcoholics.  Before my dad passed away (2 years ago, from ALS) he drank scotch constantly and my mother is still a very heavy binge drinker.  When my dad was sick she had to be taken away 2 in 6 months because of her drinking.  She is a very violent drunk.  This all took place during my freshman yr of college and my little brother had to deal with it alone.  All my life I had to put up with my mom's violent drinking, it has effected my life in so many ways.  There is nothing you can do to change your parents, my mom went to the best rehab place in the country and because of my father's "support" she became worse off than before.  I hate to hear that you are having to go through this, and I know the pain you must be in.  I know its so much easier said then done, but all you can do is quit trying to change them.   Let them know that you are too young and its not your responsibility to worry  about them.  Your  are their "child" and therefore they should be worrying about you.   I have quit drinking recently after becoming quite the heavy drinker myself the past few years.  I'm not sure if i'lll ever drink again, thats a struggle I"m going through at the moment.  But keep your head up and just remember that this will only make you a stronger person in the long run.  Its better to learn from other people's mistakes and thats all you can take from this- experience and wisdom.  
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