Alcoholic, Living with an Community
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711326 tn?1297872110

My husbands an alcoholic but doesn't think he has a problem

Okay so here it goes.  My husband has a problem but he thinks he doesn't.  We've been married for almost 3 years and I continuously catch him lying to me and hiding things.  He knows that I don't approve of him drinking and driving but he does it anyways.  Tells me that he's never had an accident while drinking and that I have a problem w/ him drinking not him.  This past Saturday I call him because it was late and I was going to the store to pick up some items.  Come to find him at some persons house who one he doesn't know and he's drinking beer with them.  So I leave and about 30 minutes later I call to see if I need to pick him up.  He tells me that the cops are chasing him and that I'm not supportive enough to pick him up so he's going to continue to drive home.  Slurring and yelling at me as though I forced the beer down his throat.  So he gets home and continues to yell at me, tells me he's leaving and going to see his family about a thousand miles away.  Gets in the truck and tears out of the yard.  Calls me up yelling again that it's all my fault.  Finally gets back home again and tells me that I can have the house, property and everything else, calls him mom yells at her and says hateful things, calls his step dad who thankfully talks some sense into him so he gives me a hug and stays at home.  After the first time he left I called an alcohol hotline trying to get some support.  They wouldn't help but told me that I could court order him into rehab.  He admitted on the phone that "maybe he does have a drinking problem" however the next day he tells me that he doesn't even though he has a horrible hang over.  He will drink when he gets home every day and sometimes as he is driving home from work.  He can't drink just one, nope he will drink a 6 pack or even more.  

I love him but this has got to stop. He's going to hurt someone or even himself but he won't get help and I just don't know what else to do now.   I have put him in jail once because he came home saying he was going to drive to see his family and I took the keys from him.  I know that I can't reason with him while he is like this so the only thing I knew was to keep him from driving.  He started choking me and slammed my head into the ground.  The cops came and put him in jail for 2 nights.  He gets annoyed with me for always talking and "Bitching" about his drinking but I do love and care for him enough where I don't want to see him hurt.   He told me he was never going to touch it again but a few days later he will be drinking again.  I say mean and hurtful things to him hoping to open his eyes for him to realize that I do love him but just can't take walking on eggshells anymore just to try to make him happy but only to tick him off.  I never know what is going to make him angry.    I just wish there was a liquid or something to put in his beer to make him so sick of drinking that he will not want to drink it again.  

I know I enable him but want to stop and when I put my foot down he can care less if I leave or not because he has his friend "beer" with him.  

What can I do to help him realize he has a problem.  I really want to help him.  I know this is long but I've been keeping so much inside for all these years.  
18 Responses
455167 tn?1259261471
hi there. sorry about your circumstances----i'm dealing with a similar situation now indirectly. the sad fact is that there is very little that can be done until the person wants to quit for themselves. they basically have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired---that's what it took for me and i almost died in the process. the best resource available is alanon, as it will give you support and help you understand the nature of alcoholism, in addition to help with healing the emotional wounds typically inflicted by alcoholics. please keep posting and let me know of i can be of further assistance----take care,  gm
864582 tn?1241806244
Oh my dear we have a lot in common. The lying, hiding stuff, thinking we don't know what's really going on. And I'm sure the drinking and the stress you are under are not helping things either. I'm forever asking "What's the truth and what's the lie" because I get two different stories about every situation. I gave up on the struggle of trying to make him understand what he was doing. On Sunday we were at his company picnic at an amusement pass including food all day for the whole family. After a little while I could see him getting agitated and pretty soon it just turned to anger and he made us leave because he was in need of a drink. Needless to say I was furious....I can't afford to take my kids places like this often so a free day was much appreciated, and now it's cut short for me and my kids and their friends that came with us....that was my last straw. I didn't say one word to him the entire night and when he tried to talk to me in the morning because now he's sober and realizes he did something wrong I simply told him I would not tolerate him hurting my kids like that. Today is his second day in detox, and he must continue with some sort of rehab program or he needs to leave this house. I know how hard it is when you love someone but unfortunately if you don't let go they will bring you down with them. And trust me, they will go down eventually. Every addict hits bottom at some point. Alanon is a good program for people like us that are trying to deal with an alcoholic in our lives. Try to be strong and put your foot down firmly and don't give in. It works in the long run, I promise!
711326 tn?1297872110
I'm so glad that I have someone who is close to my age and in the same situation to talk to about this.   It has surprised me that on Sunday I guess he was hung over a bit however he would not admit to me but I heard him say it to his mom on the phone.   He didn't drink Sunday and I was ready for him to have one yesterday  when he came home after work.  Surprise.... he didn't drink.  He asked me if I wanted to go with him just to be with him because he wanted to clean the truck.  Yeah after spilling beer in the console and on the floor it smelled really bad.   I went with him but he cleaned it.   He told me that since everyone around him thinks he has a problem with drinking that he is done and is not going to touch it again.  I've heard this one before but I'm being supportive and hoping it's true this time.   He doesn't seem to realize that I've been there before and had to go through detox when I was 17.  I'm now able to drink 1 beer without over doing it and enjoy a nice glass of wine if I would like one.   I've removed all the beer, liquor and anything else to keep him from being tempted however I'm praying that his boss doesn't push him into drinking a beer with him.  

He actually said something very sweet the other day which surprised me and almost made me cry.  He told me that he was going to give up drinking before he messed up a great marriage and looses the best thing that ever came into his life.  I sure hope he means it this time.  

The only thing is that I still have no clue and it's hard for me to really believe every thing he says because he has lied to me so many times and I've caught him at these lies.  I told him to grow up and stop lying would be a good start along with not drinking.  When he gets as drunk as he was on Saturday he hits rock bottom and gets so depressed that he acts stupid and doesn't think things through.  

I've called the Alanon but they don't have a set location here and have been trying to get their program established and more secure around our area.   I told him that no matter what I would help him through everything and be there with him as long as he is making progress on not drinking.  I just pray that things continue.  

I know just what you are going through too.  I cringe every time we have to go some place around my co-workers.  I won't even accept dinner invintations because a lot of my friends do not drink and don't want to be around someone who does excessively.  It's like I'm a social outcast because he chooses to drink and I can't trust what he might do or say.  

I'm here for you and I'm so glad that I have you to talk to about all of this.  
864582 tn?1241806244
It's so funny that everything you are saying I have said myself! I hope things get better for you and he gets back on the right track! I'm always here if you need to talk....oh and we have another thing in common....I have dachsunds too. Actually my house is a zoo....3 dogs, 3 cats, ferrets, daughter is an animal lover!
711326 tn?1297872110
Things have been very interesting around the house.  He actually has not touched alcohol since Saturday and this morning he was chipper, sweet and plesant.   We are all hoping that things continue.  How are things going for you?  LOL  it's so funny that we have so much in common.   We have a zoo too,  5 dogs, 4 kittens and 2 horses.  I'm not even going to count the wild baby duckies that are swimming in the stock pond.  

All I need to complete the family is a child that is not the one that I'm married to. LOL  
Avatar universal
Hi, I just read your question and I too am in the same category. I have been in my relationship for almost 5 years and tried to leave many times. Each time I leave he promises to quit or control his drinking. He goes to a bar every night after work and drinks at least 7 beers and 3 shots and on his way home at least 2 more beers (for the road) and then continues at home with another 5 or so. I have not seen him drink less than 12 beers in one day. He says he does not have a problem, I do. Sound familiar? He has come home so drunk falling on his face before he makes it in the front door, laughing thinking it is funny. I wish he would smash his face in and knock out his teeth!  I wonder when he is going to kill himself or worst someone innocent. The sad thing is no one wants to spend time with us because he is always drunk. I rarely drink (maybe 2 a month) because I don't like the taste so I cannot understand why he is so addicted to it. He has chronic diarrhea and vomits or gags up phlegm from smoking cigarettes and pot every morning. I love him when he isn't drinking but hate him when he is. I know this has taken a toll on me because I am now depressed and staying home alone because no one wants to come over or spend time with me. I know in my heart I need to leave him but I just can't seem to. So to you "udbe2" I wish much luck.
320873 tn?1253092668
No offense, but don't set your expectations too high all at once.  If you do, you might be in for a rude awakening.  Hopefully this time, it is for real, but as a recovered alcoholic speaking, it takes more than sweet talk and not drinking for a week...

Alcoholics have patterns that we go through.  If your husband is sincere in 'solving the drink problem' then he will go to any lengths to keep his sobriety.  Period.  And he has to be willing to do so. He can't do it for you, your family, the animals, or anyone else.  He has to do it for himself.  Period.
Avatar universal
Sorry to hear your story. My hubby is a severe alcoholic who even had to go through dialysis a few years ago and started drinking again after that. He is in his 50's and won't survive long since he is showing signs of liver and kidney failure. He blames me for his problems even though I've been there for him way too long. (30 year marriage) Friends, family and now his 4 kids can't deal with him anymore. I wish I hadn't stuck around for him to change since he is STILL in denial !!  Nothing is enough to make him quit.He hides liquor, lies and continues to fool no one but himself.  Even after going through two treatments, he never went to AA or met with a sponsor. My self-esteem was very low, but I lost over 60 pounds and am now a health nut. I am no longer letting him control my life. Good luck.
Avatar universal
My hudbsnd of 37 1/2 yesrs and 2 sons is an alcoholic. He was fired 2 yrs ago, got bsack on a last chance agreement with no alcohol for 2 yrs. 2-3 mos.later got hurt on the job and was off work for 13mths. During that time was caught sneaking several times. Got back to work and less than 1 mth.was fired for drinking on the job, refuses to go to AA and  nearly 3 weeks ago  agreed to take antabuse. Several of those days I watch him swallow it. But 3 times + tonite He has been acting drunk and tonite I caught him drinking. He is not getting sick. What is going on? Has he not been taking it or can he drink without nany symptoms? Please give me some imfo. Thanks so much.He takes 500mg daily in the AM
Avatar universal
My husband has a drinking problem. I have been with him for 10 years, married 5 years. I met him when I was 20 so drinking and acting like an idiot was "fun". But as the years progressed I grew up and no longer liked that life style. He has gotten much better with his drinking. He doesn't drink that often anymore, but when he does it's horrible. He gets really angry always ends up breaking something. Nobody likes to be around him when he is drunk. I am at the point where I just feel really bad for him. It's really sad to see someone with so much potential throw it all away. He already has two DUI's which caused us major financial problems. I am so afraid he is going to get another one or worse yet hurt somebody else on the road. We have two kids now both under the age of 5. I quit work to stay home with the kids so it's even more stressful because I have to depend on him and you can't depend on someone with a drinking problem. He also is addicted to pot. Which is real annoying. He thinks it's not a big deal because "it is just pot" and I am not even totally against smoking it. If you want to smoke it once in awhile, but smoking it everyday all day is pretty extreme. I don't approve of it at all. I just found out his dad is an alcoholic drug addict and that is why his mom left him when my husband was just a baby. I think it bothers him that he never knew his dad. It's a lose/lose situation. If I leave him my heart is broken if I stay with him my heart is broken. He is such a wonderful father so now my kids hearts will be broken too.  It's not fair. Not fair at all. I haven't read all these posts, just a few, but I feel for you all.
Avatar universal

I realise all these comments were left a long time ago so i'm not anyone will read this. I'm actually the daughter of an alcoholic, and to be honest i'm so worrried for my mum i don't know what to do. I'm 24 now, and have two brothers. We have all moved out of home, but my Mum is left here with my dad, who has been a drinker now for as long as I can remember.

I'm back home for the weekend and this lunchtime my dad came back from the pub - having had a lot to drink. I don't even think he drinks that much but it affects him so badly, he gets aggressive and pretty much blames everyone else for everything. I hate the way he talks to my mum, but i know that when he isn't drinking things are good between them and i worry about her being on her own.

After so many years of having every weekend (or most) battling with this i really don't know what to do. My mum has been do the AI Anon groups but i think she feels she needs not support for her, but someone to help her figure out how to change dad. He won't admitt he has a problem until every few years he hits rock bottom, says he is going to stop drinking, then starts again only a couple of months later. but for all of us, those couple of months are bliss. And I love calling home and hearing my Mum is happy, for once, and not battling with a drunk.

I feel extremely angry with him, but he is my dad and I want to get him help. Is it really true that they have to want to get it for themselves?

If so should my mum leave him and then he might realise what he has? He has caused massive financial problems for them both and i'm worried what he'll do or where he'll go.

Is anyone there to help? Advise? I can't do this anymore and we need help.

Avatar universal
Denial is part of the illness

GO to a self help program yourself.

You cannot change another person
1666434 tn?1325265950
Daisy701 glad you came here and posted, you are certainly welcomed to start a new thread too so that everyone can comment directly to you.

The reality of alcoholism is that nobody can make another person quit drinking.  The only thing you or your Mom have the power to change is yourselves.  By you merely doing something "different" than what you are accustomed to doing it could actually be a very sobering experience for your father.

Alcoholics will only change if they have the desire to do so, but what encourages them to make changes is the when their enablers make changes to.  And yes Al-anon can help give you and your Mom the tools and the strength to make some of these changes.

If you go to one meeting and don't like the vibe.... go to a different one.  You will always find the people you need at the right time.  Hope you come back and keep us updated.
Avatar universal
I've been reading all the postings looking for help. I left my husband 4 weeks ago. Couldn't take it anymore, we both lost our jobs one week apart from each other. Both on unemployment, I found a part time job, I left on Wednesday before Good Friday and on that day II received a job offer. I now have two jobs. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married 2. Over the years we have separated but always missed each other and got back together.  I asked him to please stop drinking or to please control did as I don't understand why anyone needs to drink that much and be abusive. He drinks everyday and lately he drinks from noon to 3:00am. He makes calles to his kids and ex-wife and leaves them horrible message over and over when I try to stop him he turns on me.  I now go to the second bed room to hide when he gets like that which is offen.  I've found a straight edge razor hide in the upstairs bath room, I confronted him but he just attacked always using bad language. So most of my day is hiding behind locked doors. When is passed out I come out to use the bathroom and quietly get something to eat.  I know is no way to life, he kicks me out of the house weekly so I just hide and when he comes out of it I ask him if he wants me to leave because I will made arrangement, but secretly I have been doing so because I know it will happen.  He says no he doesn't want me to leave but never saying he's sorry because he doesn't thinks he's wrong.  I'm a hemophilic and about a year ago I was very ill. I had a gasto bleed. I laid in bed for days vomiting into a bucket. Each day getting weaker and weaker, I would try and go to the bathroom and pass eventually coming to and crawling back to bed barely making it and passing out not knowing I was vomiting on myself in bed when I was passed out.  He was to busy drinking downstairs day after day.  He went to work on Monday and his friends asked him what was happening and the py told him he needed to help me and told him to go home which he did. Next thing  I know I was at the hospital being worked on.  I had 2.2 units of blood  left in my body, I was in trouble.  I was passing out because of lack  of oxygen and my vital origins should have started to fail.  But for some reason none if this happened and the Doctors stiff  can't believe it.  They asked him why left me there so long another day and that would be it.  Well I came home from the hospital and had to back for more blood transfusions. He drank the entire time and treating me bad along with the verbal abuse. I had to clean the upstairs because he didn't.  He almost left me to die, I'm better now and living with my daughter and grandchildren. My son-in-law is very understanding and my granddaughter who is 12 yrs old is at my side she is my shadow.  I will eventually need to find a place of my own but I need to heal. As for my husband everything is my fault, I have his # blocked so he can't reach me and he would not dare come looking for me. Well that's my story, and I feel  ashamed, hurt, sad, afraid, lonely  and other things I can't explain.  Help me if anyone can
Help me if u can
Isasand in Illinois
Avatar universal
Sorry for the grammar as this is my first time I'm doing this and vey nervous
Avatar universal
As i write this my husband is laying on the couch passed out from drinking! He is only 27 and i'm 25 we have a son that's  2 years old!! I don't know what to do, i'm stuck and yet I'm not stuck i can leave but is not easy to leave 9 years of your life behind. He lies and makes excuses. Don't know what he does half the time and i'm disgusted. I now smoke pot because ia the only way i can cope with his selfishness. I'm doing things that i wouldn't have done if i had a supportive boyfriend, he is more than my boyfriend , we've been together for a long time and i am the one that always worked while he sat at home becoming an alcoholic. I've paid for everything that we own and is not easy to give that up. is not my fault that he is an alcoholic, and one year ago i hit bottom and decided to  slept with one of his friends thinking that this would open his eyes , but it made my situation worse and now every time he drinks he brings that up, also he is a binge drinker, he drinks for 3 days and then feels like **** for 3 days and then goes through withdraws and then drinks again to get rid of the pain which starts the cycle again. I have said the most horrible things that i could ever think of and  he always says he is going to get help but alcohol is stronger than me. I never thought in my life that this was going to be my life. he comes from a family of alcoholics and his father was very abusive and i found out about this years after we got pregnant!! Our sex life is horrible because i don't what to give in , i don't want him to think that i would never leave him. I done a lot of reading on alcoholism and i know is a bad addiction but i  family and love is more important. I have become very hostile and very angry , I've broken thing that has cost me money and i don't see a future with him all i see is chaos and depression. He is currently attending a addiction program and has been doing it for about 3 months but he still drinks and it gets worse each time. he is so brittle and sick looking that is embarrazing to go aout with him . i have so many things to say but i can't write forever. i hope things change for the better and that my life turns around because i sit here asking god what did i do to deserve this????
Avatar universal
I don't know where to begin. My husband is a alcoholic and about three weeks ago he met this young fellow that has been a recovering addict, and admitted to him that he was alcoholic and needed help, well this lovely young fellow said he would take him to his first AA meeting the next day. The day after I went with him I was so happy I thought he really is going to quit,this guy came into his life for a reason then the next day came and he said you know I don't think I really need to go everyday we can go to one next week, I thought no come on on I was told you have to do 30 meetings in 30 days by this young guy, well everything was great for about a week, I went away with my 12 year old daughter, she had a Cheer competition to attend and was gone for the entire day and wouldn't be back until late that night. I was a little worried about him drinking but thought he really means it this time and well I was wrong.....I called him to tell him we would be getting home late because the weather was really bad and he was drunk, I was able to tell from the first word that came out of his mouth, I was soooo disappointed anyways since then he is hiding it from me and every time I say come on let's go to a meeting he just makes excuses and gets angry. I really don't know what to do, I think he is even drinking at work before he gets home so he has his fix.he has promised us before he will quit but never does,  he is getting nasty and blaming me and my 12 year old daughter for his drinking problem. The young man that tried helping him is still trying but like everyone knows if they don't want help then it's pretty pointless in trying. I have told him tonight that I want out of this relationship if he continues to drink but thinks I'm bluffing. I have told him in the past many times but this time I mean it,I'm fed up. He tells me he has no where to go because he has isolated everyone because of his drinking but at this point im willing to help get him a apartment. I'm so tired of living on eggshells I'm so depressed. Oh and by the way I've been living like this for about 6 years. The thing is when he doesn't drink he is a loving and caring father and husband but it's so few and far between. I haven't been to al anon but I hear it's something that I need to help me go through this because I think he is only going to get worse. If anybody out there has been to a meeting tell me does it help?
Avatar universal
Hi there. I've left my alcoholic partner.i cried and cried. I thought my kids would be sad that I left him. I thought I could not live without him. I cried for losing my friend . I cried for losing my lover. I cried for the loneliness I knew was coming. I'm at the other end now. Life is brighter. No more 'groundhog day' with an alcoholic. No more embarrassing moments. No more smelly cigaretts. No more illogical arguments. No more sorry's. My kids have told me they are proud. My friends are inviting me over again. I don't have to make excuses anymore. I'm cooking again. I'm smiling again.
Your Mum is tougher than you think dear girl. It's possible she is staying with your Dad because of you. Encourage her to take charge of her own life. Let him live happily ever after with the demon that he has chosen to be with.
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