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My partner can't take disilfurum yet, is he enabling himself?

My partner had previously had problems with alcohol before meeting me. We met in 2008 and he was on disilfurum at the time. He went off of this after a few months as he thought he could handle drinking again. As I'd only just met him I didn't know any differently so accepted that he thought he'd be ok. We then went through a few years of him abusing alcohol, suffering withdrawal seizures which would put him in hospital for days as he'd fall and severely hurt his head, I also had him brought home to my flat on one occasion by the police for "disrupting the peace" as he'd passed out in public while I'd been at uni.
However ironic it is, I'd actually got to know my partner, as my mum was an abusive alcoholic and he gave me some sanity from her.
So eventually he went into a detox facility, came out on disilfurum and was amazing to be around. I know I'm stupid but after a year I agreed with him that he might be able to casually drink and so on our first holiday abroad he had a drink. He himself said that he knew straight away it was a mistake as everyday he was thinking about the next drink. Which broke my heart.
So here we are 10 months later where he continues to drink behind my back. He admitted a couple of months ago he needs help so he sees a counsellor once a week and attends an alanon group each Thursday. He wants to be put back on disilfurum however his liver counts too high. I feel that he continues to drink a lot though, saying he'll stop when he's on the pills but damn well knowing that he can't go on the pills til he stops drinking, I hope not but I think he's happy to be caught in the middle of this cycle.
He has said himself that there's nothing wrong in his life, he's fine not drinking for days when we're together, but as soon as he's by himself he can't help himself. Has anyone else experienced this?
Tonight was particularly horrible, he had a prior commitment and couldn't make it cos I knew he'd been drinking, so had to make up an excuse for him (again!). He then punched a hole in the wall cos I wouldn't let him leave. I know a lot of alcoholics drink to numb pain as my mum did, but what do you do when the alcoholic is saying there's nothing wrong but it's what they do when they're on their own (as evidenced by the fact my partner didn't drink the last 4 days we were together and was fine, but the first day by himself he does this)?
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Your Partner (nor Your Mother) is drinking to "numb pain" as EVERYONE has 'pain', rather Your Mother and Your Partner are alcoholics; They are ADDICTED to alcohol.

There is NOTHING You can do to "help" Your Partner
BUT
Your Partner CAN help HimSelf if He CHOOSES to do so.

You've given this 8 years of Your Life (more than that if We want to count Your time with Your Mom)  It's really quite sad that You feel He has given You "sanity" after the abuse from Your Mother.  What You are describing is not 'sane' behavior.  YOU are 'excusing' His behavior because You THINK it's better than Your Mothers.  It is NOT better - His behavior is abusive as well - maybe 'different', but none the less, it IS abusive - to You as well as to HimSelf

There IS much You can do for YourSelf.  You need to UN learn Your enabling behavior - first on the list would be to hold Mom and Your Partner accountable for Their own behaviors rather than make 'excuses' for Them ("to numb Their pain").  While alcohol is addictive, They are none the less responsible for Their choices.

You've given Him 8 years - it's time to put YourSelf first.  There is nothing more You can do or say that You haven't already done and said - except to seek therapy for YourSelf.  Their alcoholism (Mom and Partner) have had an affect on You.  You cannot change (help) THEM but You can find peace for YourSelf.

In my opinion the ONLY thing You can do FOR Them is to offer an ultimatum.  Tell Them You have decided You do not want alcohol in YOUR life so it's You or the alcohol.  Hopefully They will choose sobriety to keep You in Their lives - that puts the responsibility on THEM and it will set You free.

There's help for those who love an alcoholic (al-anon)

and I wish You luck from the bottom of my heart
3060903 tn?1398568723
I agree with TtinKK, that you need to start now to cleanse your life of alcohol and it's effect once and for all.

Your mother set you on a path of co-dependence and enabling and you need to take your life back. When you do, you will find yourself in a life where you can be part of a partnership that is freeing and loving without the drama and insanity of alcoholism. But you must be free, in order to attain that type of existence in your life.

Alanon is a family group for those with loved ones that are alcoholic. It may help you to get involved in this program, but i think that what you really need to do now, is to talk to an Addictions Therapist and find out what your options are to free yourself of this craziness. They can help you with an Intervention.

The thing here is, that you are not helping the alcoholics in your life to lay down and accept their abuse. (and both your mother and your partner are abusing you). If you want to help the alcoholic, you will no longer accept them drinking ,

My father was an abusive drunk, and my first husband was also. It took me leaving him, to find myself in a position that i was available to find the partner i'm with now., a wonderful , caring individual. (who incidentally is also an alcoholic) The difference is that he immediately went to get help when i demanded it of him. (unlike my first husband, who ended up dying when he was 38 years old from a heart attack). My current husband cared about other people, regardless of whether he was addicted or not. He was and is a whole different animal than that of my father and first husband. You need to find a whole different animal to spend your time with, if you want any happiness in your life.

Just as it is up to your mom and current partner, to make the changes necessary to have a good life, SO DO YOU.

You really really need a therapist, to put closure upon what you had to deal with as a child. Only then can you be clear in your spirit and soul , to find the man of your dreams, and get out of this concept that you have to put up with abuse.

We're always here to talk. You are not alone. We can help you to free yourself of pain and abuse in your life, if you allow us. We are helping other people that are where we used to be. We understand, from experience and we now enjoy a clean existence, free of the type of abuse that once was, but is no longer.

You know the saying "stick with the winners" ? stick with the people that have overcome the obstacles that are in your way to a happy life. We can help you , if you let us.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. and i'll be here if you want to talk.
Please feel free to message me via private message. I would love to help you find some clarity in your life, but i think it is essential you find yourself an Addictions Therapist to talk about your options for actually helping yourself and the addicted person(s) in your life.

God speed.
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