Avatar universal

Where do you draw the line?

I've been with my current partner for the best part of 2 years. There was no obvious signs that he had a problem with alcohol when we first met, but the longer we spent together this issue became more apparent.
His alcohol intake has increased dramatically over the past 2 years and things have become volatile between us. When he drinks he slips into depression and I always have to sit with him while he verbally abuses me. I don't tend to say anything to him when he's in that current mood so I don't provoke him in the slightest.
I've done a lot for him in the past. Emotionally and financially and I struggle with the reasons why he hates me so much when he drinks.
He has been violent towards me and after this weekend I'm covered in cuts and bruises.
I've done everything to try and help him and his situation. I've emailed, ring , written to people , read books, printed articles , arranged meetings with people all to try and help him but he refuses to seek the help for himself.
I've recently decided to go on anti depressants as I can no longer cope with the way our relationship is making me feel.
He told me after this weekend then he'll try and get help, but unsurprisingly , I've heard him say this before and I don't believe him. I don't know what its going to take for him to realise that he desperately needs help.
When is enough? How much longer should I wait before I leave? Obviously I'm deeply upset by what's happened over the past 2 years and now I can feel myself become unwell mentally. I'd ideally like to wait to actually see if he will try and get the help he needs, but I don't feel I have the strength to keep trying.
My first boyfriend was suicidal and tried many times to kill himself. (luckily he didn't) But I got blamed for him trying to take his own life so I feel guilty about that time of my life. I feel like I'm trying to fix my current boyfriend as I failed to with my first. I'm not sure if that makes sense? Maybe 'fix' isn't the right word. Just try to help I guess.
I'm desperate for him to get well soon and I know he wont even attempt to do that if I'm not with him. I'm petrified that if I leave he'll get worse and something serious will happen to him. I cant have that kind of burden on my shoulders so I need to help him now.
I've spoken to other alcoholics in a bid to get an insight into what its like, and I've been told I cannot help him and I should leave.
Just wondering if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation.
8 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
11432871 tn?1418660660
I had pretty much the exact same situation. I was with my ex for five years, when he wasnt drinking he was the best boyfriend I ever had, unfortunately I would say he was drunk 90% of the time, and he was a horrible abusive nightmare when he drinks. He was 8 years older and I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 to live with him. We moved in with eachother after only seeing eachother for 2 months, so I knew he was a drinker but I had no idea the magnitude of his drinking problems, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, especially my parents that I made a huge mistake. I waas battered and beaten down mentally and physically. He would yell and hold me down, he wouldnt let me leave and lock me in rooms constantly. Every "morning after" was the same thing, the whole "I love you so much I am so sorry, I will get help, I'll go to AA" and of course as you probably well know, it never happens. I wanted to help him change, I wanted to a good enough reason for him to stop. but  thats the kicker, an alcoholic never does anything for anyone but themselves. If your boyfriend WANTS to change, he will do it for HIMSELF, not you, not his family, its sad but its true. After 5 years and meetings and counselling I learnt by staying and trying to fix him and cure him only was enabling him. I still talk him, I'll always care about him, even after 5 years of being broken up now I want the best for him. But I think me leaving was a huge wake up call to him. I think he did more growing and changing once he realized he finally lost me for good BECAUSE of the drinking. He has gone back to school, he goes to meetings, he is still a mess, nothing happens over night. But he is at least actualy trying now because it was such a wake up call. Break ups are so hard, and really trust me I know how you are feeling right now, but you just cant stay in this toxic situation, It's not helping either of you.
All the best, i hope this helped.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks so much for your reply. Really appreciate it.
I really don't know what to do. I'd feel so much guilt if  I left but I cant stay in a relationship like this for much longer.
Most people who I've spoken to online have said to leave.
I'm finding it especially hard, as I don't have anyone to talk to . Although my parents know, Id never go into detail about what's happened as I know they'd be disgusted with his behaviour. I also don't have many close friends who I can confide in which makes this situation even more difficult.
He's said a number of times he'll change but things are only getting worse.
I found out he joined some affair dating website recently which he apparently doesn't remember doing. I'm questioning what he's really doing behind my back if he's not remembering doing certain things.
Although I'd never kill myself , thoughts of driving my car into a wall are there. I'd like to think I would never act on those thoughts but I'm in a dark place right now.
I just want him to get the help he needs or I wish I could just muster the courage to leave even though I love him dearly.
Thanks again for your reply.
Helpful - 0
11432871 tn?1418660660
Living in the situation you are in right now really makes you isolate yourself, and isolation is one of the worst things for someone who is depressed. Neither I or anyone else can tell you what to do, but we can just let you know our experiences and the things we've learnt and know. I won't sit here and tell you you need to leave and you're wrong, that would be like the pot calling the kettle black since I hung out in that situation for years before I finally had the courage to walk away. I know how hard this is situation is, and i lost a lot of friends when I was going through this with my ex, I am honestly here to talk if you need. My names Addi btw...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm finding it hard being around people at the minute. Especially my family. I don't have a lot of patience when it comes to anything. Right now I'd rather be on my own as I don't have anyone questioning my mood or behaviour. I'm making excuses not to see people as I don't feel up to any sort of company which isn't really healthy as I only see my boyfriend.
I realise I'm the only person who can actually make the decision of actually leaving. I have told him that this is the last time that we can have the ' you either get help or I'm leaving' conversation. I have given him the ultimatum previously though and I'm still here, hoping.
I'm just confused how it got to the stage where someone could walk all over me like this. I thought I was a relatively strong minded person but I think about all the things I've had to put up with and realise that I am quite weak. I would've left a long time ago if I valued myself more.
Helpful - 0
11432871 tn?1418660660
Ya, one thing I had to wrap my head around is the fact that addicts are selfish and manipulated. I highly suggest to stick to your ultimatums, he keeps getting away with it, so of course he isnt going to take it seriously.
Im guessing with everything going on you must not be feeling a lot of trust, and a relationship without trust isnt a relationship at all. Hopefully you guys can sit down when he is sober and work out some way to start building up that trust and respect for eachother again. I really do feel for you, I dont wish this situation on my worst enemy. You know we cant choose the ones we love, the heart does whatever it wants unfortunatly. But you do have the power to choose what you will consider tolerable from your loved ones. I almost want to text my ex and ask him a few questions about what he was thinking during those times to maybe get some better answers for what is going through your boyfriends mind for you. I know they are two different people, but addicts seem to have the same thought processes.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Judging by our discussion this evening the main reason why he wants to change is for me . I told him the main reason why he should change is for himself . From that response I don't think he's ready and I've told him if he isn't ready , then that's fine but I needed to know cos I couldn't stay with him if he wasn't . It's just a sad situation cos to a certain extent I do feel sorry for him , but it's hard to feel sympathy when someone can make you miserable at the same time.
I only know that one of us is going to get really hurt emotionally and physically if I stay and he refuses to stay .
Has anyone been in a similar situation and resolved it ? Meaning , staying with their partner and they've got clean from alcohol
Helpful - 0
11432871 tn?1418660660
my auntie and uncle managed to stay together, she gave him the ultimatum, she left with the kids and didnt come back untilr he went through a program.he has not drank since, and they are super happy.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That's always reassuring to hear, so thank you , I'm really happy for you and your auntie and uncle. :)
I'm just curious what treatments are used, if any at all. I think I read something online about patients being given medication which made them ill if they drank. Has anyone ever used these drugs?
I realise counselling and therapy is more common. I don't know , I'm kind clue less!
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Alcoholic, Living with an Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
3060903 tn?1398565123
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.