Maybe you should skip alanon and just go see a counsellor. There's a book out there called Smart Women, Stupid Choices (but now I'm not exactly sure on the title). It's about why we choose the the wrong men and how to go about meeting the right ones. It can help you learn your own destructive cycle, so you can break it. You sound like you're intelligent to know that you defiitely should NOT feel like you contribute to his drinking, but you just don't quite believe it. Spend your time figuring out what you can do to focus more on you than on your husband's addiction. If you believe in God, PRAY. That's what got me through my toughest times.
Were either of your parents alcoholics? Have you read "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love"? Consider picking it up. As a child of an alcoholic I found it *very* helpful in opening my eyes as to why I was falling into certain patterns again and again. It's a great book for anyone coming from any kind of dysfunctional family (not just alcoholic) and helps to unravel some of the reasons why we automatically look for certain things in our partners without even realizing it. Good luck.
I'm going to say that we pick alcoholics or problem men ( i include myself on this) so that we can be a caretaker for another person..And have someone to fret over and attempt to rescue. We hope they will "change" for us. For me, I craved approval from my father when I was young and constantly was let down. It created this dynamic where I resented him but was desparate for his attention. So that became what I looked for in men. Ones that don't approve of me and make me jump through hoops to win their affection. It also is handy because I don't have to look at my own problems. This tactic casts me as a victim and takes the responsibility off of my shoulders to be instropective about myself. A type of martyr complex..and it is destructive, almost as much as being an alcoholic. I'm in counseling by the way..but I came to this conclusion on my own.
That's a strong insight. Very well explained :)
You need to frame that! Very good! Anita
Thanks guys! I appreciate it! I hope it's of some help to you.