"at what point do You decide to walk away?"
perhaps when "You just can't trust Him and His word"
or when "You can't trust Him with Your Toddler"
or when "You can't trust Him with Your finances because He's pissing them away"
or when "He says something vile to You that You don't deserve"
Your words, not mine. These are ALL valid reasons in my opinion.
You have choices and so does He. You have the right to decide if You want to live without alcohol in Your life. Nor does Your Child need/deserve to grow up in an alcoholic home !! If You decide to live an alcohol free life that means leaving Him if He will not seek recovery. Some will say that is not being supportive of Him in His alcoholism but in my opinion Your FIRST obligation is to Your Child. Your Child is unable to make choices for Him/HerSelf - He/She is dependent on You to provide an emotionally healthy environment - that does not come from growing up in an alcoholic home. This I know is true.
Loving support does not mean You have to live in an alcoholic home - it absolutely doesn't mean You need to tolerate abuse, verbal or otherwise. If He wants to continue with His Wife and His Child perhaps that will give Him incentive to seek recovery.
when to walk away is a little like the chicken and the egg...
many people stay, but in doing so are actually enabling the addict, so in fact, leaving or having them leave (you have the child) gives the addict new reason (bottom?) to find the sources that will help him get
walking away doesn't have to mean breaking apart, it can mean taking a breather while the other produces actions that can may warrant reconciliation into a modified relationship.
the truly sad thing is that people wait to give an Intervention until it is too late for their relationship to be viable, in other words, if a person gets involved with an addictions therapist early on , and staged an Intervention, early on (go to rehab or we're through) perhaps, the relationship would be in a better place, and not all of this water under the bridge to have to deal with. I guess it's like any other disease, the earlier you diagnose the problem, the less damage is done before help is on the way.
You haven't mentioned anything about his recovery. Has there ever been any discussion as to his being an "alcoholic" or any discussion about all of the help that's available? The thing is ,, even if you are done, your child would benefit from her dad living well, whether it be with you or not. Is there a way we can get through to him? Does he have insurance for rehab? can he take some time off to go? He may surprise you if you are seriously considering leaving. Unfortunately, that is often the only thing that will light a fire under an addict sufficiently for them to start to search for answers.