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Avatar universal

Having trouble getting over this one......

A few months ago, my Dad came down for my brother's graduation.  He lives about 800 miles away from me and about 950 miles from my Mom, brother, and sister.  He had agreed to get to the ceremony an hour early (1800 or 6pm) for pictures, meet & greet the instructors, and line up to swear my brother in.  Well, at 1845 (6:45pm) he wasn't there and was not answering his cell phone.  He has some heart problems so I thought the worst.  I was calling the hotel he was staying at trying to get someone to check his room to see if he was in there dead.  Finally, at 1858 (6:58pm) he calls and says he's lost.  He was a few blocks away and made it to the graduation.  Well, he smelled like straight up alcohol.  He denied drinking so...........  

We went out to dinner that night and he drove his rental car to dinner.  I did not drive: I caught a ride with my mom b/c I knew I was going to have a glass of wine or 2.  He drank 4 or 5 martinis and a few glasses of wine.  Towards the end of dinner, he began nodding off at the dinner table.  We got his car keys away from him and I would not give them back.  He got so angry that we wouldn't let him drive that he decided to write us all off. Us being me, my little brother, sister, and mom.   I don't understand how he would even think that we would let him drive.  I'm a paramedic and RN, my little brother had just graduated from police academy, and my sister is a mental health counselor.  He cut of financial support and began writing nasty and hateful e-mails to all of us and cc'ed the e-mails to the entire family.  I haven't talked to him since.  I stopped reading the hate mail and just started marking his e-mails as 'read' and putting them in a folder called '********.'

His drinking has been a problem for years.  I know it is not up to me to determine whether he is an alcoholic or not but when he drinks, crappy things happen.  I am having trouble accepting this one.  He has been my sole financial support (and my mom, brother, and sister) forever and he cuts us off out of nowhere.  I can deal with loosing the financial support because I'm just going to have to grow up and really be the strong, independent woman I want to be, but how can he call me his daughter and love me in one moment to not loving me anymore?  He's never really been the 'emotional' father figure for me but he's my Dad still.  There's more to the story but that's all I can write for now........................

I'm just looking for some people to talk to that can help me get through this and come to a place of acceptance.
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Avatar universal
I'm doing alright.  I have cut ties with him for now.  I am the only one that has not written a letter to him or spoke my mind about any of this.  I'm truly contemplating writing a letter to him and expressing my feelings in the hopes helping me let go completely.  I really want some answers from him but I know I'm not going to get them, or at least get the answer's I want.

I'm worried about my mom so much in all of this.  For the past 20 years she has relied soley on my dad's financial support.  She works at a private school, no benefits, and her health is not great (supper bad asthma).  
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
How are you doing lee?
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
There are many of us out here who have been and are still in your shoes.  

Your father loves you but he is a very sick man.  It is classic addict behavior to try and put the blame on everyone else, that way he doesnt have to be responsible for his actions.  The sad part is we take that blame.  My advice for you is to cut the ties with him until he decides to sober up.  That is very hard to do, i know but you are what is important.  You dont have to live in his addiction anymore.  I would find someone you can talk too.  The hurt runs deep and needs to be dealt with.  I know this first hand as i grew up in an alcoholic home and became one myself.  I saw what this did to my family, mainly my daughters.  Those girls took the brunt of my addiction.  You deserve some peace in your life.  Acceptance is a big thing here.  In time it will come.  I hope and pray your dad will get the help that he so desperatly needs but until that happens take care of you.  You dont deserve this.   Keep talking with us~~sara
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Avatar universal
I responded because I know what it's like to feel the need to know that there really is someone else who gets what it is like to live this kind of life. It's not easy, I know, but it helps to have support! This site has helped me a lot and there are a lot of really great people on here who really do care and have far more experience than us with this kind of stuff. ;-)
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for posting that.  I really helps to know that there are others out there that understand.
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Avatar universal
Hello, my name is Tara and I'm the adult child of an alcoholic, who just got sober myself almost 17 months ago. I'm an only child of a 16 year old mother and a 19 year old father. My parents are still together, married 35 years in October and my dad has been drunk the entire time except a 6 month break he took in his 30's. Congrats to you for becoming a paramedic and RN, that is really awesome and something to be proud of. My dad also helped me out a lot financially until not too long ago and the money always seemed to be his way to stay in my life and manipulate me into accepting his alcoholism. He pulled a gun on me when I was 17 and told me that if this life was so terrible I should take myself out of it, knowing I had suicidal tendencies and past suicide attempts. He has pulled a gun on my mom, and also put it to his own head on numerous occasions. My mom is only 50 and just had a heart attack in May, 2 days later he threatened to take himself out and it was one of the last conversations we had till he drunk dialed me last week. Believe me when I tell you, it is not you, nothing that you are doing is making him act this way. It hurts to be told you are cut off, not just financially but emotionally. It hurts to tell your own parent that they are cut off, to not contact you and pretend you are dead. These are the kinds of interactions we've had while he has been drunk. It's not really a sane person who says these things to us, it's an alcoholic. It was wise to quit reading the emails, you don't deserve to get nasty messages from anyone, especially your own father. Stick with this group, send me a friend request if you like and read through some of my journals. Dealing with my alcoholic father is one of the biggest issues in my life. I worry all the time that he's going to hurt himself, or my mom, or that he might die like his little brother Karl, my uncle, did last summer at age 50. This is a dangerous, scary, terrible disease that we cannot fix, unfortunately. The reality is that you may never be able to have a 'normal' father/daughter relationship with him. It is something I have been trying to come to terms with for a while now. My dad loves my mom and I more than anything in the world, except drinking. He would do anything for us, except get sober. It still breaks my heart on a regular basis. But I know that he is sick, and I am no longer living like a drunk myself so my priority is me, my man, my mom (remar on here, send her a friend request if you like, she can give great advice) and my grandma. Like I said I am really sorry that you are dealing with this, but I wanted you to know that I understand and I appreciate you posting this because I can relate. Sending lots of love to you, Tara
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