And this is where things for me get scary....
I woke up in the clothes I had from the previous night, which tells me I passed out in bed. My wife slept on the couch cause she was mad. For some reason, I felt like I had done something awful on my way home. Maybe I murdered someone, maybe I raped someone, maybe I assaulted someone. The fear of that came over me like a ton of bricks. I checked myself to make sure that there were know physical harm to myself. There was no blood on me, nor my shoes, nor my clothes, nor my hat, nor on my skin. There were no scratches on my face or arms or legs or hands. There wasn't any blood underneath my nails, nor was my knuckles bruised. The first thing I checked was the news channels/websites to see if there was any murders, rapes, assaults in my neighborhood. Nothing. I then checked the local Police Departments websites to see if they posted anything. Nothing. I got ready and drove down the block towards the bar to see if there was any police caution tape, or detectives, or news media, ect., ect. Nothing.
So at this point a normal person would say, hey, thank God I didn't turn into Dahmer and kill someone. But it didn't. In fact it made things worse. I started thinking that I killed someone anyway. I must have. I must have snapped when I blacked out and killed the first person I saw. I must have killed someone without a weapon of any kind and strangled them with my hands or hit them with a rock. I must have buried the body or thrown it in a trash can somewhere. Or maybe PD found a body already but hadn't reported it to the news yet, or posted on their websites. I was thinking, they are going to show up at my door and take me away to jail for life. My life is ruined from one night of drinking too much. I will be leaving everything I love behind and rot in a cell. I don't think I can handle prison for the rest of my life. What hell.
That has been my mind for the last 96 hours/4 days.
But even after reviewing the actual evidence in my head, over and over and over and over again, I still think I did something awful.
Here is the actual evidence;
It took me 10-15 minutes to walk home. I know it took me this long cause I checked with my friends and my wife of when I left the bar and when I got home. Usually, the route I use to go home, there is, never ever anyone walking around at 11:30pm on a Sunday night. The main block is an empty baseball stadium (which is gated) and offices, which no one is in at that time. I think I have seen maybe one person walking their dog at that time in the 8 months that I lived in this area.
I woke up with no physical harm whatsoever to my body. There was no evidence that I was in any altercation. I have checked the local NEWS (all 5 channels TV and Websites), as well as, the local PD's websites, for any incidents that happened in my area for the last 96+ hours. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not a single thing about a murder, rape, or assault. And they report every little incident in my city. There was no police tape, detectives, nor news vans, nor flowers for someone who may have died somewhere around there. Nothing. I checked the papers for obituaries, and no one, from what I can tell, died of a murder, on that night. They were mostly all older people who died in their sleep or cancer.
I even wrote down a logical thinking list to kind of ease my anxiety. I wrote things like; I had no reason to murder a complete stranger, nor a reason to be mad or violent. I had a great day at the movies and apparently had fun at the two bars. Even if I was in a murderous violent mood, I most likely won't run into anyone walking around at 11:30 at night. Even if I did run into someone walking down the street alone, they would be on alert. Cautious of anyone strange or any one walking in general, down a dark street. I guarantee that I would be on alert for any stranger walking my way. Always on guard. And even if I did try to attack someone, in my condition (being drunk), I wouldn't exactly be in the best shape to attack someone. Not only that, people (myself included) would not go out without a fight. I would use Pepper spray, keys, kicking, screaming, fists, running away, knifes (if I had one), gun (if I had one), cell phone, ect., ect. No one would just sit there and let me kill them or assault them. So, if I did do something, it doesn't make any sense to wake up with no marks. If a body was found, I would be caught in two seconds, due to finger prints and DNA. I am on probation (have been for awhile for non violent crime.) I've blacked out before and never hurt anyone, in fact. I can only think of two times I was mad. One time I punched a fridge (hurt my hand) and the other time I punched my parents wall. But those were times I was really really angry, young, and not really use to alcohol yet.
As a younger drinker, in my early twenties, I use to black out, and drive. That came to a stop once I got into an accident and was arrested for DUI (no one was hurt.) I remember I woke up in the middle of a street, when a cop picked me up in the early morning. There were many crazy things I did. But even though I did crazy things, I was never violent or caused violent acts...such as murder or assault or rape.
In fact a sober me is probably the nicest person you'll ever meet. I love my wife, I love my parents. I take care of my father everyday, since he's 81, and starting to loose his memory. I love my cats and dogs. I love my friends. I hate yelling. I hate violent acts. I hate being mad. I hate being depressed. In fact I was going to go into boxing as a teen, cause someone said I could punch well at the gym (heavy bag), but I didn't like sparring with people I liked and knew...as well as people I didn't know. So I quit after a few fights and knew it wasn't for me. I don't like confrontation. In fact I always try to make friends or be nice to people I don't know. I seem to get along with everyone.
I know that alcohol tears downs those walls and your inhibitions. But mine would be letting my guard down in social situations. Since I am nervous around new people and don't always lead in conversations, that is one thing that is lowered. It also, before I got married, let me talk to women at bars, without getting nervous, and sounding dumb. But my inhibitions were never violent and wanting to kill people.
I know this is a long post and if you actually read this...thank you. If you ignored it...I don't blame you. But I really am having a difficult time with this for some reason. Everything is pointing 110% at NOTHING HAPPENED...but my mind keeps telling me SOMETHING DID HAPPPEN. Even with all the evidence and logical thinking...the illogical thinking over takes it. I get depressed thinking about it. It is on my mind constantly (for the last 96hours.) It makes me want to give up and wait for the police to show up at my door, who probably won't even be coming in the first place. I loose sleep over it. It really is effecting me. I even thought I would call the police to see if there was anything that happened right around my neighborhood, but thought it would do more harm than good.
Lately, besides this time, after a night of drinking, I have been waking up thinking that I have killed someone or did something wrong, even with my wife and friends. It is really scaring me. I don't know if I should see someone or what. Am I going crazy? Is the alcohol making me crazy? Am I really insane? Why is this time much more different than all the other times I blacked out? Just because I walked home by myself for 10 minutes, means that I snapped and turned into Dr. Jeklly Mr. Hyde? What was the difference between all the other times I was alone and blacked out and this time. Please help. I think I am going to have break down or something.
I did tell my self that if I don't hear from the police by the end of the weekend then I can give up the worries. But something tells me I will still be obsessed with these feelings of fear.
have u ever gone to counseling for severe anxiety disorder?sound like u got alcohol problem along with chronic anxiety/worry!
hello. your fears are not unique. i have engaged in behaviors that came close to seriously injuring or killing others, and had little or no recollection. these instances involved alcohol and firearms, as well as operating motor vehicles. several years ago, i was on an extended drunk and picked up a friend. we rode out to a local recreation site on a lake. when we arrived, i got out of my truck, retrieved a 12 gauge from behind the seat, and began to load it. my friend was trying to calm me down, but he soon realized he needed to get away from me. i began firing the shotgun in all directions, the whole time screaming and crying about god knows what. i went through an entire box of shells. he ran to a conv. store and called my mother. when she arrived, i was passed out on the ground with a shotgun on one side and a empty fifth on the other. that place is usually pretty busy, yet to my knowledge no one came through the area or called the police. i remember doing NONE of this.
another person i know of used to get locked up occasionally on the weekends for being drunk and disorderly. he would spend a few hours in jail, come to, and be released to go home. the last time he was arrested, he came to as usual in a jail cell. he called out to the attending deputy to ask him about going home. the sheriff walked up and told him, "you're not going anywhere, you killed someone last night." he was in a blackout and to this day he does not remember that night. and yes, he did take someones life. he went to prison for it.
there are countless other examples of the same thing, but you get my point. it's like playing russian roulette. the blackouts, in conjunction with being hospitalized due to drinking are red flags that indicate you have a serious problem. if you have not had enough, think you can still moderate your drinking, or simply are not ready to quit yet, there's not much to do except wait until you are ready---and take the chance of possibly hurting yourself or someone else. this thing is the ultimate remover. it takes away jobs, spouses, parents, children, friends, possessions, freedom, health, sanity, respect and peace of mind. it is also highly probable that you have an anxiety disorder as well that has been caused by drinking to excess over time, and you might also require meds to combat this. but until you put down the bottle. there is no therapy. but if you are willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober, there is a solution. take care, gm
He mate nothing wrong with you accept that you are an alcoholic.Do check the AA!These are very comon story s but the alcohol is a parasite which blurbs the thing .Go to the AA take a sponser and do the steps or prepare for a total hellish way down ending in suecide,mental hospitals,yales ,salvation army etc and i tell you mate i did 30+ heavy drinking and thought something was wrong with me and did not realize the enormous impact of alcohol.well being sober is not so bad doesn t mean it becomes paradise.
All the best
Haha!sober is not paradise but like the saying goes my best day sober is better than my worst day drunk!or is it the other way around?LOL!