I'm in my late twenties, my alcohol consumption is around 15 units per week, but on occasion (I would say 1 day per month) I inevitably end up binge drinking. During this episodes I experience fragmenary blackouts, usually the black spots occur in the latter half of the evening and usually involve me going off round a club and dancing, making an idiot out of myself, not violent.
On New Year's Eve I was with my wife and a friend in a bar, and had around 20 units of alcohol. I remember the evening with great clarity until my wife left -- to visit her relatives, around half-midnight, and my friend left shortly after, around 1am. The last memory I have is of standing at the bar by myself, at 1am, the barmaid telling me the bar was closed.
Next thing I know I wake up in ou apartment bed, alone (my wife stayed with her relatives that night as they are somewhat out of town), nothing out of the ordinary, except a soccer magazine next to me (so I guess I read when I came back). Nothing else. And no memory of that period between being told the bar had closed and waking up. Yet I am deeply paranoid and worried that something terrible happened, I think because this is the first time I have blacked out by myself and every other time a friend or wife has been with me and had been able to "fill me in" with details next morning of what stupid antics I got up to previous night. But with this incident, no witnesses except myself and therefore just a big black hole in my night. I am a naturally anxious person and diagnosed with OCD and panic disorder, and for the last forty-eight hours I have been worrying myself sick that somehow I got out of control, murdered or raped or assaulted someone, thinking about this over and over again, it is dominating my thoughts. I walked back past the bar the next day, can you believe, just to check if police tape had been set up anywhere along the route I assume I walked back to the apartment via. I have even considered phoning the cops and asking to see CCTV footage of my trip back to clarify what happened.
I have discussed this with my wife, she is a trainee psychotherapist, and she thinks i am being incredibly dramatic, not to mention illogical, and that my feelings of guilty over loss of self control and memory, and binge drinking, are manifesting themselves in this illogical fear of having committed some terrible crime during my blackout episode. I just wanted to know if other people have felt the same fear, had the same concerns, because I am just struggling to understand why this blackout is a source of so much more anxiety to me than previous episodes, which I have usually been able to just shrug off. I mean, maybe subconsciously, although I can't remember an incident as such, perhaps the feeling of guilt and fear from such an incident is manifesting itself in me? Or is it impossible to commit some kind of violent crime or assault without at least a fragmentary memory of it? Please let me know your thoughts, as I said, I am a natural, obsessive worrier, spend most of my days worrying if, for example smoking cigarettes will give me multiple sclerosis or if I am already riddled with cancer etc and hard to focus on work during such states.