Can't stop.... :(

[Backtopurity]

I've been a binge drinker since I was about 14. It's the biggest problem for me. I recently got off Percocet after being on it for 3 years after a car wreck. Now I'm trying to address this major issue I've had forever that has been inhibiting and interfering with my life. I've always reached for alcohol to have fun. On the summer days on the beach(illegally hiding it on beaches as well), in the winter: taking a break from the slopes getting some liquid courage, all year round hanging out with friends or playing games with family. There is always a reason to drink. It's actually under contol a lot of the time, but many times(too many) it has escalated to a binge night. I've had 2 day drinking sessions without stopping. People recognize me all the time and I have clue who they are. It *****, I work at a dental office, and last week someone said they see me all over town often. I only go out when drinking, so I have no clue, and it's so embarrassing. I've done horrible drugs while drinking. Including crack!!! Ew. Good god. I am so fed up with the eradic behavior. My major car accident a couple years back, I met a guy at a party, and wanted to party more, wanted to go swimming to a remote place up in the bush at a lake, was fooling around while he was driving, then when for about 5 flips over a cliff.... It was a nightmare. Now if you knew me, you'd know that is very out of character for me. I am no ****, no easy person, I have long term relationships, but when I drink, I am different, careless. I don't know why I do it. I guess to "unwind" after work or whatever reason I have at the time, and it just escalates all to frequently. I don't mean to whine and sound like "whoa is me". But this has been eating me up. I have a counsellor who I see weekly, but I just need to tell my stories to more people. I feel lost with drinking. Even last night I went out with work friends, I arranged a dinner and bowling trip. I was uptight after work. Drank martinis, pitcher of beer, bottle of beer, 1/2 L of white wine in 6 hours while bowling. I know to some, that isn't all that much, but this was with work!!! Oh god, so embarrassing. I don't want my professional life to fall apart...

It seems worse the older I get. I'm turning 29 in may and my binging is just making me feel like a loser. I am a shy person with a reputation in my town as a drunk. One time I saw a guy I went to school with, and he was so angry with me. I was confused and asked why. I guess one time previous, he had a party at his house after a rock concert in my town(which I hardly remember as well) and he said I was breaking and throwing stuff!! I have absolutely no recollection and usually do even if I have no control myself, I ususally remember(as if I'm watching a movie...lol) I only assume I was drugged, or did some sort of crazy drug. It's just horrible. I have been to AA and find they don't quite work for me, actually I want to drink more after them. I have went to a meeting with women only b4(they were in-patients and it was a drop in meeting) it seemed to get to me in a good way, but I only went once... I have had suggested to me to go to a centre for a while, but I just can't. Mortgage and I'm single... So not working for me. I know there are always excuses tho...

Any suggestions as to where I go from here?? Love and light to you all...

[ibizan]

it is wise for us to never forget what we WERE like..or else we're apt to repeat it....when i am talking to one who is newly sober/clean and they talk about their guilt shame and sense of being  a failure.....it takes me back....i remember those feelings well....and feel better today for all the past todays i refused to drink/use and FOCUS on HOW I could make my life better and did!which is xactly what you're doing!

[narla]

I try to focus on tomorrow and next week and next month and next year,but still remember what I was doing this time last year,sitting in my bedroom drinking 10 to 12 glasses of bacardi after I'd taken 6 to 8 codeine tablets half the time denying to myself what I was doing,not going out because I didn't want other people to see what I was doing,and I couldn't go a night without my fix.

My how things have changed

Denise  

[ibizan]

it is good to focus on the donut hole and not the hole my dear!:)U've come SUCH A LONG WAY!!!!in my first year of recovery I had nagging guilt shame and self recrimination....and in time it dissolved...and it took a few years for me to come to this sense of inner peace.....it is unexplainable why we go thru what we do to get to where we're at today.....just seems to be how life spins!I once heard a AA lead early in my recovery....man had about 30 years sober and he said he kept his past in a spare room with the door cracked a tad.....in order to not forget whence he came....but to realize the fullness left in the other rooms of his life and to be grateful for that!:)

[narla]

My only regret at being clean is that it took 34 years to realise things had to change.Fool that I was I waited until I was told I'd damaged my health.

Denise

[ibizan]

he put a smile on my face!i recall attending my first young ppl's AA meeting when i was 28 and 30 days sober/clean.there were ppl in that room in their 20's with a few years sober/clean......i sure did respect and listen to what they had to say!

[dominosarah]

That is quite the young man.......He had to get clean when he was barely 16.  That is wayyyyyyyyyy cool.  Shows some real strength and determination.

[ibizan]

Was channel surfing the other nite and came upon a episode of Intervention.A counselor was in a group of teens trying to address their denial and the i'm to young to quit this stuff.A young man,age 17, who'd graduated from the program came in2 the room to talk to them.He has 14 months of recovery!They asked him don't u want to use at times?he said oh yes but i TELL myself....NOT NOW i will not use NOW...and it passes and if it comes up again which it does and will and i repeat it to myself and all my not now's have accumulated to 14 months!How cool is that?i sat there and said oh yessssssssssssssss...yes yes...i can relate to that!

[dominosarah]

If you think about the whole journey Dorothy and the gang went on it is all about discovering ones self.  They all made it thru the good times and worked hard on getting thru the bad times and never gave up.  Each one came out successful in the end.......I never thought to much about that movie but i have watched it for years and years.  This year when i do it will take on a whole new meaning~~~~~~sara

[rod44]

I was an alcoholic when I picked up my first drink at age 15, It took over 20 years for me to stop drinking, I did not like the taste of what I drank but loved the buzz I got and wanted more. life past me by in a drunken blur, Life was a blur of self-pity, depression and fear. My health suffered because of my drinking, my family & friends suffered because of my drinking even complete strangers suffered because of my drunken behaviour and yet I was blind to all this suffering I was causing. I was detoxed many times but did not want to stop, eventually I did stop, I hit rock bottom,  when I began to understand my situation and started to understand I could not drink again it was like some one close had died, it was an emotional roller-coaster, stopping drinking was ok but getting sober was the hard part, I had to surrender to the fact that I could never drink again, I had to brake down this definitive wall I had built up during my years of drinking but  most of all I had to recognise and accept that my life was out of control because of my drinking.
Sober today as I have been for the past eight years a day at a time and grateful for everyone of them :)


Ray
      

[ibizan]

it dawned on me a few years back that the lessons we learn in life and accepting our addiction is akin to the last part of The Wizard of Oz.....Dorothy says to Glenda the good witch......"You knew i knew how to get back to Kansas the whole time!!!Why didn't you tell me this?"Glenda smiled,waved her wand and giggled and said "You never would've believed me...you had to find out for yourself"!Well in this forum we do tell ppl what will befall them...what they can expect but in all reality they DO have to find out for themselves!

[Westguy1003]

It's never a problem and it can't happen to you until it does... then it is.

[ibizan]

There has been so much good advice being offerred here.We can only hope that ppl use it to their benefit.And over that we have no control!I thank the both of you for your posts on this forum and look 4ward to many more!:)

[Jacker]

If there is one thing I've learned, it's that people who have been in recovery for longer than me know more than I do.  After making too many mistakes, I will gladly listen to their advice as opposed to making more.

The potential damage to your body and well-being become very real once you get that first blood test.  

[narla]

If this is how you want to live your life there is nothing more I can say,except have regular checkups and get a yearly liver function test,It's a simple blood test.I hope you stay healthy,Good Luck

Denise

[Princessdaniella]

Thank You Narla and I am "Sorry" to hear of Your own experience with this.
I am "Sorry" about your liver it is really sad.
I take the Phenurgan and Temazapam to sleep when I need to I only sleep maximum 6 hours so if I am able to I enjoy more, sleep can be really good.
The panadeine forte I actually use when I have appointments as it numbs me in a way and when I feel in a daze I feel I can be open and relax more otherwise I avoid eye contact and usually cover my face which was starting to frustrate my therapist I found the pandeine worked and it helped with tafe etc. Unfortunately I am falling behind though

[narla]

I am so worried about you when I read your story it's like I'm reading my own story,I was also addicted to codeine and used phenergan to help me sleep,I was also taking a sleeping tablet when I could get the doctor to prescribe them and it was so I could feel"normal".You really need to talk to your doctor about what you are taking,I have liver damage from mixing alcohol with codeine Please be careful and talk to some health professional about what damage you are doing to yourself.Take Care

Denise

[Princessdaniella]

I take seroquel and temazapam that I have when I need to sleep (rarely) I do not sleep well ever since being prescribed seroquel for so long. I stopped the Seroquel 6 months ago when I found out I was pregnant again and than after I miscarriaged just over a month ago decided to try without it while I could however my therapist does want me back on medication now but I will not agree to seroquel again. Zeldox I swapped for the seroquel I was only taking one in exchange for the other but I ended up resorting back to the seroquel I really didn't like the zeldox at all. So at the moment No I am not on any medication, I do take Panadeine forte a lot to help me feel more comfortable around other people and temazepam and phenurgan to sleep occasionally but not seroquel

[ibizan]

so you are on the geodon and seraquil now?alcohol will intensify their effects which with these two will zombie you out...and alcohol is central nervous system depressant which as you know makes you feel more depressed a day or nite after drinking.....and then the meds....such a vicious cycle of downers here.so glad u don't drive after drinking!

[Princessdaniella]

Thank You again, it does mean a lot. I have tried Antidepressants in the past and it seems to make it worse, also mood stabilisers but the main medication I have been on is seroquel and zeldox in the past Anti psychotics although they helped much it was still not enough only enough to make me feel as though I were a zombie which was putting me back to square one because I ended up not leaving the house and doing what I needed to have done throughout the day instead was sleeping.

[ibizan]

I too used to think i was a calmer nicer person when i was drinking/stoned on pot...it was just a mask for the raging inferno of emotions within me.And when i got sober/clean i had to face these demons within me.....and a few ghosts....and in time i developed better coping skills.And there are good medications out there for depression/anxiety that are not habit forming....Klonipin,Ativan and Xanax are addictive for ppl with substance abuse problems and not reccomended by a doctor who is educated on addiction and helping patients with addiction problems.I looked at your photo......you are a gorgeous young woman!Stunning my dear!:)i will pray for the best for you in life.....so many of us here have battled with what you are battling emotionally...and we have dealt with things and have developed tools to deal with life and its challenges on a daily basis.....we only wish that you someday may have what we have now....it is well worth the homework!:)

[Princessdaniella]

Thank You...
I do not want to hurt other people, I do not believe in drink driving and speeding etc and I do not plan on drinking through any pregnancy or around children I do not that it does hurt them a lot and affect them later in life.
I am not sure how many people have said that and if it is normal for anyone with a drinking problem to say it but I honestly do mean it.
I know as stupid as it sounds I do consider myself to be a nicer person when I am drinking if I am around my partner because he is safe to drink with and tend to relax a lot more.
Thank You for Your kind words, it does mean a lot

[ibizan]

There is a saying in AA and i have found it to be true.....one stops drinking when they are sick and tired of being sick and tired of their drinking!Treatment and counseling are merely guides,mentors supports......no human can make you stop and we all know that.I occupy the other chair in the office..and see ppl  on a hourly basis destroy their lives,their health,ruin marriages,relationships with others,ruin relationships with their children....commit suicide,die from drunk driving..you name it I see it after 25 years!And there are ppl i have been working with on/off for 25 years who are now getting sober/clean after destroying so much of their lives.You do not have to be one of them!You don't have to repeat your family history,you can rewrite it!And I hope you do....you are so young.It is truly sad to see ppl doing the same old same old for years and end up in their 40's and 50's and 60's with nothing.I wish and pray for you to find recovery ,better health and happiness!

[Princessdaniella]

Thank You, I am already seeing Mental health regarding My Mental health issues and trying to keep up with study which I am failing. I am seeing someone who is aware of my drinking pattern, I know she is not experienced in dealing with alcohol related problems but she would have spoken to many I am sure and I think it is best I deal with the reasons I am drinking first in order to be able to cope without it.
I am aware and this is not something I have not thought about I grew up with parents with alcohol drug problems and lost them at a young age because of it (not lost as in result of death) and have been surrounded by it and always detested it for the damage it caused.
I do understand I just feel like there is much worse that could happen at this time without it. I know it is only a bandaid relief but I believe the same of any medications someone can be placed on which is somehow viewed as okay by professionals.
Thank You though, it is appreciated

[Princessdaniella]

I did not initially join medhelp for this group I joined it for the groups surrounding mental health Disorders, I didn't realise You were not able to post.
I understand that it may sound hypocritical but I was not in here to tell someone to stop I was in here in the hope of helping someone feel as though they were able to talk to someone. The same as the Mental health forums, I do not feel I am 100% well but I still do not like other people to go through this.