Care for the Care Giver

[lisriv315]

I don't really have a question per se.  Rather, the many questions I have about addiction and the effects of it on the addict and the family of the addict do not have clear cut answer.....so I am really searching for a place to vent and speak with people that understand this horrible disease. My estranged husband was diagnosed with liver disease 6 years ago. We have been married for 22 years but I separated from him 6 years ago because of the alcohol abuse. However, after a year he returned to live with us (we have two children, 17 and 21 now) because he does not have family here and does not have a place to go. While we are technically separated, I have cared for him throughout this time. He goes through this vicious cycle of use every 6 months of so: abstinence, drinks a little beer,  progressively increases the alcohol intake, then he is a "full-blown drunk" to the point where he can not function. He will not eat, shower, or even leave his room. In the past 6 years he has been hospitalized at least 1x per year due to the alcohol consumption. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis about 2-3 years ago but never had a biopsy done. According to docs a biopsy is unnecessary because the treatment is the same and his body may not handle the procedure well. The last hospitalization was in August 2014 and he had to be removed from the home in a stretcher because he was non-responsive. He was intubated and remained in hospital for 1 week. He was told by ER doc if he did not stop drinking he would not make it past 2 years. He was diagnosed with portal hypertension over 5 years ago and has had 3 procedures to band the bleeding esophageal varices. Then, after several visits to specialists it appeared his levels improved. As usual, he stopped drinking for several months and is now once again off the wagon. He does not want help and will not go to counseling or meetings. I have resigned myself to the fact that he is slowly killing himself but it is so difficult to watch him do it. He was once such a hardworking, doting man! Now, he is a shell of a man. It breaks my heart and at the same time infuriates me. I feel horrible that my children have to watch their father die and I always question whether I made the right choice by letting him stay in the home......truth of the matter is that I do not find it in my heart to abandon him. He was good to me and his children and now he has no one. He doesn't even love himself. I think I would regret it more if I kick him out and he ends up on the streets. I don't know. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I have a very strong support system and feel I have managed this as well as I possibly can. I have never gone on one of these forums although I have read the posts often. So I decided to post something just to express myself because I feel I overburden my family and they don't deserve that. Thanks again for listening.

[Nighthawk61]

Please consider letting your kids know that it's okay for them to go to ACOA, or Adult Children of Alcoholics to talk about how this experience has affected them. There are also online Alanon and Alateen meetings. Since these kids did not make the decisions that you did, you do not have to worry about them coming into contact with those that might judge them harshly for enabling an alcoholic.

Peace to your family.and i'm so sorry to hear of your family pain.,

[Im_a_SkateMom]

I'm walking along with you in this sad journey. People call me a saint and tell me there is a special place in heaven for me because I have chosen to take care of AH. I do not feel like a saint. I have ill wishes toward him and pray for him to pass quickly.  

The love is gone.  But he is dying and there is no one else to take care of him.  We have been married for 21 years. He no longer loves himself.  How can I be expected to love him.  But I will take care of him until I cannot anymore.

It is easy for others to pass the judgement and say just get out.  I hung on all these years to hope.  When he passes I will cry-not for what I lost-but for what should have been.  I know with him I will never have my fairytale life.  As I watch his body waste away I am sad for him.  For what he has done to himself,  when he was given so many chances to turn it around and didn't.

[Nighthawk61]

You are teaching your children not to "throw away" a family member that is suffering form a disease. Even a disease that could be managed and one that he has chosen not to manage. This is a valuable aha teaching moment that you're children have. As long as it does not grossly negatively affect your children's progress in their own lives, I commend you. Are your children doing well in their own lives? Or are they showing signs that they are being negatively affected?

[ibizan]

I just love you Tink....LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!can't top what you just posted!sigh!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I want You to know that I DO understand !!
and
You verbalize it so eloquently.

All of my life my Mother was Your Husband (so in essence, I was Your Children) and my beloved Father was You.  You speak the pain and despair that was my Father's and the care and concern He had for the Wife He once loved with all His Heart.

,,,,,,,,and then I took care of my Mother as She lay dying from Her alcoholism because by that time my Father was so ill He could no longer care for Her and then another year of caregiving for Him as He lay dying.

I no longer 'loved' my Mother (She had been extremely abusive to me both physically and emotionally through my entire childhood) but I none the less felt great empathy for Her and what She was going through -  the 'caregiving' was an "emotional roller coaster with many steep hills, sharp turns and loops" that left me with an anxiety disorder that I deal with today.  I did love my Father hugely but through it all I became 'willing' to let Him go and even prayed that He die.   I miss my Father deeply but He 'needed' to die and I am okay with that.

I share this with You because I agree with You that many others don't understand but some of us have walked in Your shoes and those are the people that "get it" on a level that no one else can.  I am one of those people and my heart is heavy for You.

You say You are "not a good soul" because of the "horrible thoughts You sometimes have" and "Your silent prayers to make this all just end".  That simply is not so - there are many who would have the thoughts and feelings that You have at times (I had the same thoughts) and would not give of themselves in this way but You are doing exactly that because You ARE a good soul

I too felt like it would never end.....but it did - and today I feel huge peace in knowing I did all that I could do for my Mother as well as for my Father.  

There is always more to say than one can ever say but I want You to know that I feel deep compassion for You and for Your Children.

Regards,
Tink

[lisriv315]

Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It is a very difficult time and I don't think people understand the pain and heartache the family goes through. So many people have said I should just kick him out and let him deal with it on his own. Well, that is much easier said than done. Others tell me things like I am such a 'good soul' for putting up with this. Even though I know they mean well even those kind words upset me because what I want to scream out is that there is NO way I am a good soul because of ALL the horrible thoughts I sometimes have and my silent prayers to God to make this all just end. I do not care for him for praise. I do not care for him because I am in love with him. I care for him because he is a good human being and he is sick. And although he chose to drink I do not believe he chose to be an alcoholic. He was always a stubborn man and unfortunately did not seek the help when he should have. Now, we are left to watch him suffer and slowly kill himself. The emotional roller coaster I go through is one with many steep hills, sharp turns and loops.....and it feels like I it will never end. I know THIS TOO SHALL PASS.....even though it may not feel like it at times....thanks again for listening. Hope you all have a blessed day.

[ibizan]

You are a most incredible woman to care for him in his last days.Sad situation...no a tragic one!He is the most FORTUNATE man to have had you in his life.Prayers for you and your children!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm incredibly sorry for the pain this has/is causing You and Your Children.

There are many here who deeply understand everything You have expressed here - I am one of those.

Regards,
Tink