Day 4

[Runner3]

Today is day 4 no alcohol.  I keep obsessing about not being able to drink anymore.  Feel like I'm a failure or less of a person because of my problem.  Not that getting blasted and making an *** of myself was any better, but just sad I have a problem with drinking.  Wish I could be like my friends and drink socially.  I know I can't and my husband is being so, so supportive.  He has wanted this for so long.
I need to remind myself of the bad times I drank, which was the majority of the time.  I'm a mom to three kids.  What is not being a mom is letting the kids play by themselves while I get intoxicated or waking up the next morning and wondering when/how I put the kids to bed the night before.  Now that doesn't happen all the time, but enough for me to say, WTF???  THat is NOT being a good mom.  Waking up and not knowing when I went to bed or feeling shaky in the morning or having that red/glassy eyed look.  This is what I need to remind myself of and not fool myself into thinking otherwise.  I need a good nickname for this crazy person inside my head that obsesses about not drinking.  It is so unhealthy.  I have bee abusing alcohol for over 20 years.  To unlearn a habit of 20+ years is going to take some time I know.  It just ***** though!  I'm feeling very cranky and yelled at the kids tonight cause they were fighting and driving me crazy and I could not pour a drink.....  :(
Thanks for reading my babble and for  being supportive.   It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

[Runner3]

Thanks for the support.  For now I'm going to just check in with you guys.  Knowing that I'm accountable to check in with my new friends will keep me in check.  I know it will get better.   The more days I have under my belt the easier it will be not to drink.  I can't imagine after 10, 20, 30 days of not having one drink then having one, I would feel like such a failure.  I just wish I could fall asleep and have it be Feb, 16th.  That will be 30 days.  :)

[Runner3]

A disease and has a genetic link...  I have a brother that quit drinking years ago, ironically we are exactly 11 years apart, something with that bday I guess...  Anyway, I know if I had cancer or was diabetic I would do something about it.  I just want to forget or not admit that I have a disease called alcoholism. Not drinking is my treatment.....

[GoPens66]

Wow... I was so you about a 1 1/3 years ago.  I had only abused alcohol a few years, but I too am a mom and wonder the same things.  Gee, how did my kids get to bed?  I know it totally *****! I say that all the time to my counselor.  It pisses me off that the ability to just a beer or wine cooler is no longer mine.  I know if I have one, I will not stop until I am blasted, and black out.  I have tried many times to just be a social drinker. NOT!!!  YOu are not a failure.  You have a disease of alcoholism.  For some reason we can not turn it off.  I swore for about 6 months, this would not get any better.  But my counselor kept saying as time passes you will think of it less.  The new you will just be normal.  Well, at about 9 months sober, she was right.  Does it still **** me off that I can't drink.  Yea!!!  Does it bother me.... No.  I promise you, it gets easier.  Not right away, but after a little time.  

Take one day at a time.  Celebrate each day as another victory.  Don't give it.  If you really want to drink, just think, let me put this desicsion off another day.  And tomorrow will come, and you will still be sober.  Don't fool yourself by saying, I'll just drink tonight, and quit tomorrow.  I played that game for a while too.  It does not work.  You will drink tomorrow too.  

I know a lot people preach AA.  It is a really good place.  I like it for different reasons.  I feel like the people in the room understand the hell I am in.  It always seems to give me a boost of confidence.  But mostly, I feel normal after I leave.  That I am not crazy.  You should try it!!

Pls let me know how you are doing!!! Best of luck!! YOU CAN AND WILL DO IT!!!

[ibizan]

Years ago b4 i went to detox...i was sitting up in bed....feeling like u describe....and saying things to myself ur saying....and i called the recovering person who was taking me to detox in a few days....it was 4am.......and i was lamenting "how did i let this get so out of control?why can't i drink socially?and on and on...he had enuf of it and said"its a disease girl....now go back to bed and let me get some sleep"!!!we got faulty wiring...it is what it is,,,,,and we're not responsible for having it BUT we r responsible for what we allow it 2 do 2 us!