Feeling super guilty about kicking out an alcoholic roommate.

[cjsminiranch]

Going on 3 weeks ago, I asked my roommate to find another place to live.  I cannot, and will not tolerate the alcoholic anymore.  I also will not tolerate someone that steals my pain pills, or my Xanax (that I take ONLY when I need to have a little bit of help to stay asleep) and he ends up drinking and popping my pills.  

After being gone, and "supposedly" in AA, and not drinking, after he left...he has ended up in the ER room at the hospital in Billings, Montana.  From there, they sent him to the VA Hospital in Sheridan, Wyoming.  

I know I did the right thing.  I know I cannot change this behavior, and I know that I won't put up with the whole mess anymore.  

My question is this:  Why do I feel so miserable?  At one time, in the 1 1/2 years we have been roommates, we were intimate, and I did think we could "have a relationship".  That ended before it began.  I did see the "signs".  He hid it very well, up until 3 months ago.

I need a shoulder to cry on...seriously.  I feel horrible, and I do care for him, however I cannot put up with anything like this ever again.  I have never been around anyone like this, and I don't like it.  Can you help me, please??

[cjsminiranch]

I am now feeling very good, and very confident that I, indeed, did the right thing.  I now have to find a way to make it on my own, and things are progressing nicely!!  Thank you again, for all of your help, in regards to my "guilt" in this matter.

Cassie

[cjsminiranch]

Thank you all for your kind words!!!  Tim has ended up at the Sheridan (Wyomng) VA Hospital.  He called me last Saturday, and told me that he was going to have to stay there for 8 weeks...then after that, he has to stay in Sheridan for 3 months, in order for the "program", and for him to get a job there, to work.

He was very "matter of fact" and so was I.  I told him he needed to change his address, because I am getting alot of his mail.  He said he would.  It's not been done, as of today, Tuesday, 10/9/12.  

He stated that after the "8 week ********" he would be back to get his car.  At this point, I thought "wow....he's calling this program "********"!  Not a good sign, I don't think, anyhow!!

I am moving on, and I am not going to initiate ANYTHING with him.  He is on his own, and SO am I!!!  I am now feeling

[JGOODMAN]

Your most welcome Cassie =)  Please reach out in a personal message if you feel the need to talk further.  It's a difficult situation when you have to stand strong - and care for someone - and they cause a tornado of torment while caring only for themselves (if that).  Just remember, you don't own his problems and have no obligation to identify with them.

Regards,

J

[cjsminiranch]

Hi!!  Yes, I live on a ranch, and have 2 horses, and cows, chickens, dogs, cats, eieio!!!!  =0)  Yes, I do love what I do!!!  I know I deserve someone without baggage!!  I have Put myself out there, and am on a dating site, and have had quite a few "contacts" already.  I know that internet dating can be an adventure in itself, however, with this one, I have met some very nice men, already!!  I am not, Liz, letting grass grow under my feet. hee hee

You sound like an awesome lady, yourself, Liz!!!  Let's keep in touch!!  

I have not contacted the VA Hospital yet, but feel I should, because of his mail.  It's stacking up here!!!  Talk to you soon!!

Cassie

[cjsminiranch]

J,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  Yes, I know it's because I "thought" I had seen a "better" side of him.....I never thought about how I was combining the feelings of both sides, and you are so right.  There is only one side to this....I was not willing to put up with it anymore!!!   I know I still care for him, and wonder how he's doing.  I won't go there tho....I have to cut all ties!!

Thanks again!  Cassie

[Nighthawk61]

Hey Cassie, it's so random finding medhelp with just a click, what a pleasant surprise, huh? I think you've made the right choice not to contact him, because I know that he would read into that. He's like a drowning man right now, and when he reaches out he needs to find AA as his first go to option. In the treatment center that my husband went to, they didn't even allow a phone call for the first 30 days, and in AA is is recommended that you don't start a relationship for the first year. So, you did good!!!

I'm so glad to hear that you can make it on your own without a room mate, undoubtedly you're probably a little bit shy about having another room mate and not knowing what you're gong to get, "like a box of chocolates" huh lol.  I have a little bungalow, and my husband and myself moved to the basement so we could have tenants on the main floor (3 of them). It always helps to have the extra money if it happens that somebody comes along that you want to share your place with, but it's definitely best not to have to rely on it.

Wow, I think that's really cool that you've got a pet sitting business happening and thriving for three years!!! How wonderful. I can't imagine anything that I would rather do with my spare time than to look after animals, or be a personal care assistant for the elderly. What a wonderful life you've set up for yourself.

I can't help but wish you to find that special someone now that you're on your own. Even though your intimate relationship fizzled, the fact that he was there, and needy, may have put a hex on you finding Mr. Right. I'm a romantic, so I hope to hear that you find someone special. You deserve someone special, without baggage!!!

You mentioned that the hay prices are through the roof, and that it's adding pressure on you. Do you live on a farm? and do you look after horses?

Thanks for being proud of me :) that's so nice to hear. I do look forward to keeping in touch with you too Cassie!! You're a wonderful girl~

[JGOODMAN]

I think you absolutely made the right decision, and you asked why you feel miserable?  My guess is that perhaps it's difficult to do the right thing - and the most important thing to know is that it's "okay" - and there's no reason to feel any shame, doubt, and at the same time - it's always important to seek understanding and allow emotions to cycle.  

I think perhaps you felt miserable because there were potential feelings, this person is no longer around, and perhaps you may be correlating the event of kicking him out and his medical problems as being related.  They're not - that much I can promise - nor is it your fault.

I think it must also be considered - what would have been the consequences if you allowed him to stay?  Xanax and alcohol combined can be fatal - even though some may view it as common, it's truly dangerous.  The disrespect to your living environment, the whole thing - long term - would have snowballed into something worse and I think it took lots of strength to take action on your decision, and I commend you for taking that first step.

- J

[cjsminiranch]

Liz,

Once more, thank you!!  Yesterday was rough.  I was really struggling with the decisions that I had to make, and your kinds words really made me feel a whole lot better!!  

I have decided to be "firm" in severing all ties with him.  Like you said, any attempt at "reaching out to him" would be a complete False Hope, I'm sure,
on his part.  I don't want that.  I feel bad enough, and I don't want him to think, in the slightest bit, that there could Ever be anything between us.  It's hard, because in August, when his 16 year old son was here, and he was drinking the entire time....Stephen, his son, told me (after about the 3rd time he was wasted in the 7 days he was here) that he "has to love his Dad from a distance".  I was shocked to hear his own son say that about his Dad, however, I now "get it".  I can care for him From A Distance!!!

It is amazing how with one click of a "google" search, I landed in this Forum, and I'm very blessed that I did.  I bet you help alot of people!!

I truly look forward to keeping in touch with you.  Oh, before I forget.  I am freaking about not having a roommate.  However, I think I can make it on my own.  I just really need to buckle down, and watch what I spend.  I have a pet sitting business, that is going into it's 3rd year, and it's keeping me really busy (Thank God) and I also am a Personal Care Assistant (to a 73 year old lady in Red Lodge) I may have mentioned this before, but cannot navigate in this site, at the present time.

With hay prices being out of the Roof right now, it puts added pressure on me, however, there is a bright and beautiful tomorrow coming for all of us, and I am going to put my faith in God, and I pray things will turn out better than I hope for!!  Again, thank you, and I really do look forward to hearing from you again.  

And, before I forget!!!  Let me tell you, that even tho we don't know each other AT ALL, I am VERY, VERY Proud of you!!!  It takes a true spirit to get through what you have!!!!  You Go, Girl!!!!

Cassie

[Nighthawk61]

Please, please please don't feel miserable. You helped your friend by not enabling him. He needed to know that there was something wrong and that he had to get help. You may have helped to save his life. It is hard acting responsibly for yourself, but you had to protect yourself.

He may thank you one day!! Until that time, please know that you did the right thing, and feel better :( don't be sad :)

The best thing that you can do for any alcoholic, is to set a good example. He could have seriously overdosed on your opiates or your xanax. You very well could have saved his life keeping him away from your pills.

Feel better knowing that he is being looked after now, that he has a chance to work on his problems in Wyoming.

Pray for him, as I will. Live your life clean and sober and be of good example to those suffering. Please feel better, you did the best thing that you could have for him. Be proud of yourself. You are a good friend. A lesser friend would have sat back while he killed himself, you got him the help that he needs.

Hugs not drugs, Liz