1667237 tn?1464300631

Have I got a problem with alcohol? If yes, how to quit?

      Hi. Firstly, I apologize about the grammar and wrong language expressions. English is not my maternal language.This post is really long, so if you don´t like reading, just don`t torture yourself. It`s not worth of it.
Well, I think I have got a few problems with alcohol. I´m 17, and I`m not sure is this just some teenage gabing. I`d believed that it is. For a long time. I thought it takes more time for something serious like this. I want to know the main difference between alcohol abuse and psychological addiction.

         To start with, I started to drink at the age of 13 after I´d abandoned all of my friends because of hypocrisy and become depressed. And from the beginning I drank every glass in one gulp until I started to throw up and passed out and I was a burden to all of my new friends who drank normally. First it was just at Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings.

         How time passed by, the problems with my friends were getting worse because I started to drink four-five times a week, no matter when(in the morning, afternoon or evening)and every evening during the holiday. And I was waiting for them to stop being my friends. When that happened, I just kept drinking.
At the age of 15, I made new friends, who drank as much as I did, or even more, but they drank slowly, so I was the only one who was ending up throwing up. Again.
          At that stage, my parents were starting to noticing, so I was grounded very often and I drank almost every day, even in school where I didn`t have any friends except two older ones who also drink really often.
Soon after, I`ve ruined my relationships with friends who I were going out with, and made knew one. (And I haven`t lost him. Yet, but something happened between us last weekend when we were drunk so...)
         Soon after, when I was drunk, I stabbed some table in school with knife, had problems because of my self-destructive way of writing, and I had to talk to pedagogue, where I end up having nervous breakdown. And sometimes I was asked to leave from bars due to my excessive drinking and passing out. I don`t throw up anymore.
           I`ve recovered from that incidents by drinking, but problems with my parents and my false promises about not drinking were getting more often, so I decided to stop drinking. And it lasted for about 4 months. And then, when I was 16, my dog died. He was the most important person in my life. I realize how stupid that must sound, but I`m not good with people so it`s true. And from then, during the last 11 months, I`ve been drinking about five times a week and almost every time i drink until I pass out or black out.

          When I`ve got no alcohol at the evening and I’ve got a need to drink, I steal a little bit from my parent`s basement. Once, when I`ve already been drinking and have an urge for more, my father nearly caught me in the middle of the night with Jegermeister in my hand. So I had to hide myself and come for that alcohol later. These 10 minutes were so long and boring for me. I just wanted him to go back to sleep because I wanted to drink so badly.

           Now the problems with my parents are really, really big, they are worried, they cannot sleep, but I am never grounded. They realized it does not work. And even when I really want to stop drinking during the weekend, because they think I drink just then, I end up drunk. I don`t even know how. At one moment I`m under control, and in the other one I pass out. My blackouts are now getting really often, they are like moon walking.

            I drink two or three times a week since I almost overdosed myself  a month ago and my parents had to pressure my stomach to make me throw up what I drank because I was really pale and wasn`t moving at all. I just couldn’t.

             Now I have got some friends and, when I met them for the first time, I forced them to except me for who I am even though some of them drink really rarely.
          And my grades in high school are between B and A. I haven`t ruined that, but I don`t really care about it. It is just something for my parents. I don`t even care about my future.

           And the problem is I don`t know how to live or what to do in life without alcohol. I feel so bad because of my family, because of graffiti I`ve made when I was drunk, and especially about this weekend when I almost had sex with my very best friend and I feel so guilty about that because I can`t face it and I think I`ve messed up my relationship with him too. I can`t express my emotions. I just know how to run away from them. And I don`t know what to do. Every year is worse and worse.  
            And one part of me doesn`t even want to stop. One part of me just wants to ruin me, my every cell, and my every organ.

            And even if I stop drinking, everyone, old as me, drinks during the weekends, so I`ll be bored even if I start going out with them or anybody else. Is there any way to control my drinking, to stop myself before I pass out? I tried to do it but it worked only when I had something to smoke and had no more money for alcohol. I even tried not to drink during the week, but I`m not completely successful. It`s not so easy.
             And even if I stop drinking, I have got so bad reputation and I cannot just try to communicate with these judgmental people. I live in a small town (population is about 15 000) and almost everybody who are going out or in my school knows about my drinking and using some drugs, because I do not hide it. I have always wanted to be accepted or not accepted on the base who I really am.

             I`ve recently realized that I drink differently of all of people I know. I started to think about this whole alcohol situation and about my behavior for the first time.
My question is: „Am I abusing alcohol or is it something bigger? “. I hope not.
Some facts (I don`t know are they all consequences of alcohol)
1.I`m not sure about the tolerance
- When I started: 4 SDs (standard drinks) in 1 hour made me drunk
- Now: 6,5 SDs in 15 minutes, pause of 1hour, 3,5 SDs, plus marijuana and I`m on the ground
2.I don`t feel drunk and in other moment I realize I am because I cannot walk
3.I drink in different situation (to decrease pain or guilt, to escape or celebrate, because I`m bored, when I`m in the bath)and company(with friends, and more often alone)
I`m trying not to drink, and when I`m successful I can`t sleep, and I noticed I can`t run more than a minute because my heart starts to beat really fast, I feel it in my head. Oh, yeah, and my blood pressure is sometimes too high.
I would really appreciate an objective opinion because no one I know is able to do that.

Btw: My aunt was an alcoholic. She had delirium tremens, and all of that, and a lot of people in my family were, like my father, or are having some periods of drinking. Some of them(younger ones) drink a 3-4 times a month until they get really drunk.
103 Responses
Avatar universal
i'm 55...started drinking at 14....pot 17....valium acid cocaine up til 28...too much blacking out and an assortment of other problems......i used to feel like u when i was a teen.....i decided to go to inpatient treatment at 28.....i was a most pain in the butt patient but i wanted to change my life and not keep frying my brain w/alcohol drugs did 12 step 2......its been hard work but well worth it.....so what kind of dog did u have that passed away?what did he pass from/what kind of dog do u have now?how old?how old is ur cat?
Avatar universal
is it easy to get alcohol in croatia at age 17?oh i do know the love of a dog and how lost one can be when one passes i've parted w/ 4 of them since 1993........and OH YES my dear young one...i think u have a serious alcohol problem......why r u so self-destructive?
1667237 tn?1464300631
Thank you for answering.
I really don`t know why I am like this. Perhaps it’s because I can’t accept this material world. I just don`t want to ruin my family but I don`t care about myself. I just don`t know what to do. Have you got any idea what should I do and how?
And, yeah, in Croatia alcohol is completely available. Few weekends ago, I`ve met two ten year old boys who were drinking 2L of beer and smoking cigarettes.
Avatar universal
have u been in any type of counseling b4?i don't really like how this world has changed,,,i'm an old child of the 70"s, who misses that era,,,,but i've found a lot in life 2 enjoy.....like my 3 cats and 2 greyhounds!
1667237 tn?1464300631
      Sorry, what does it mean b4? And I haven`t been in any counseling... yeah, this world is different now. Younger and younger generations start to smoke, drink and using drugs.
      Oh, and I also find pleasure in my cat, and my new dog, although not so big as before, but this part of me that has to adjust this stratification system where I have to wait really long for some reward like a good job and try so hard, kills me. It`s like I`m in one little box and to survive, I have to do as this system impose. And I don`t want to live like that. Maybe I`ll get cancer or something and I never get this reward. Or I will fall down in an amty hole for lift, and I`ll die. Just like my friend, at the age of 27, has few weeks ago. So, I find a system in that I can escape from this reality and get my daily and short term reward - all at once. It is alcohol. I have got many reasons for drinking. This is just one of them. One of the most "rationale" reasons I`ve got. All of the others are connected to emotions.
1667237 tn?1464300631
I`ve realised: b4 is before. No, I haven`t.
Avatar universal
Certainly your drinking exceeds normal both in frequency and intensity. There are means and methods for beginning to address the problem. If you will provide a general location, ie US, UK, city I'll try and provide additional information on available resources
1667237 tn?1464300631
                Good for you, the fact you succeeded is really surprising. When you really want something, anything is possiblle. My problem is I`m doing it for my family. Not for me.
                I don`t do a lot of drugs. WEED - I like weed from when I was14, 1-2g during weekend, and once a year25-50g... SPEED - I took it about 20 times (+ 3 times on a needle)... LSD-I took it about 4 times and I`s really perfect; ECSTASY - took it 5 times (in my town LSD and X are not so often)... SUBUTEX - once... METHADONE-about 10 times... COCAINE-once... DATURA-a few times... and so
            I had and have mongrel dog, I`ve put their photos on my profile. He was torturing himself with heart problems all day, he was 12(my whole life he was here) and he lyed down on a parking lot and, when my sister drove me home from some party in the woods, where i`ve been drinking because I`d known he`s dieing, and in the dark, my sister accidantely hit him in a face... It was really painful for me to watch. He was still alive, and my last words to him were: "Plese, don`t live me alone". He died during that night. My cat is 5, and what about your animales? Are they getting along?
1667237 tn?1464300631
Thank you for your honesty, and you trying to help. I`m actually from Croatia, if you know where that is...It`s small country... I live in a small town and we don`t have anything like that. Maybe in Zagreb... It`s near from my town.
Avatar universal
Yes dear i was TIRED of the physical and emotional rollercoaster of addiction...like u i started young....but there was no need for me 2 die young.i wanted a different life!Oh ur poor dog....sounds like he went everywhere w/u!he is in Dogheaven now...i have to believe there is such a place!Yes all my animals get along....my one cat cleans my dogs ears and face!My dad who passed in 06 parents came to the USA from Yugoslavia.......Llubijana.....am i spelling that correctly?my nephews went over and found many of our relatives there!and my moms grandparents came to USA from Croatia!i LOVE the cooking/foods from that region!So do u go to school?what subjects do u take?
1667237 tn?1464300631
Yeah, I`d also believed in heaven until 7th grade. But, now... I don`t believe in afterlife so it`s really depressing I won`t see my dog again... It makes me feel alone. It`s so great your animals get along. My cat is afraid of my new female dog Lilly. And Lilly wants to play with her, so my cat Micika is almost all day in the house. She can`t stand being with Lilly.

We have got 8 years of basic education, than we can go to high school and then we go to college if we want to. I chose gymnasium. It lasts for 4 years. We have got other majors like engineering or hairdressing school. Vocational school(Is this the right word) can last 3 or 4 years, it depends.  
I`ve got 16 different subjects (Croatian, English, German, Sociology, Math, Psychology, Art, Music, Physical education, Biology, Chemistry, Geography and so on). I cannot choose what subject I want to attend. I attend the third year of high school. And what`s your school system?

Your spelling is ok. Yugoslavia is correct, but Ljubljana is the right spelling of Ljubljana. It`s the capital city of Slovenia since Yugoslavia fell apart.So, you have many relatives from here? Can you say something in Croatian? Or your grandparents, parents and u have been talking on English only? Sorry for your dad...

And I need advice if it’s not a problem. Do u think I can control my drinking somehow? At the moment I feel up to it.
Avatar universal
U feel up 2 trying to control ur drinking?is that the question?given ur stated history w/alcohol and drugs i don't think u can control either...u seem to totally enjoy blotting out all ur feelings/emotions.NOW....are you going to try to control it?most likely yes.....i sure tried a zillion times b4 surrendering to the fact that i couldn't.......i knew in the pit of my heart at age 19 that i was alcoholic/addict but i thought i could control it...i'm too young...all my friends do it....so at age 28 sick from mixing alcohol,pot,valium,and cocaine and tired of all the blackouts...i decided to make a committment to myself to end my insanity.So try to control it...and see what happens...ever tried to control it b4?what happened?will this b a first?You have a intense educational program over there!it is impressive w/all the languages and other subjects.I haven't been in school in YEARS!over here its 8 years of elementary school......then 2 years of junior high and 2 years of high school 4 years of high school total for teens......there are public schools here and private schools..private schools offer more diverse subjects.my dad could speak german and slovenian....my granparents as well.....my mom is 92 and has dementia......she used to be able to speak croatian but her mind is so ate up w./the dementia now...but she did say her aunt always said don't stir the drecka??? correct spelling??? drecka meaning poop...i'd type S word here but it will b deleted!:)
495284 tn?1333894042
I wish boogieman was here.  This one reminds me of him especially the comment "perhaps i cant accept this material world".
1667237 tn?1464300631
Yeah, I`ve already tried it. I`ve been trying to do it at least 2 times a month during last 6 months. And I was convinced my parents exaggerate. I wasn`t even questioning their words, and there was lot of them. Every time I just said what they wanted to hear and wanted them to live me alone to do what I want. And I`m thinking just like you did: "I`m too young, and all of my friends do it". And every time I think: "This time is different. I am going to put it under control". Just like now. I want to stop drinking but I don`t know what else I can do in life. At the moment I do know what to do and I`m sure that I`ll succeed this week and the next one if I try (except 4 the weekend) But it`s just because now are holidays so I don`t have to meet people and do something at schedule. I won`t be under the pressure.  

About the drugs... My parents don`t know, even though they often ask me "Why are your eyes so red?". Mostly, I do marijuana at home and I don`t eat in school because I need money for weekend and every penny I spend on cigarettes, drugs and alcohol.

And we have got some private schools too, but they are rare.

Oh, and the spelling is "drek" But we have got declination so it can be "dreka". I’m sorry about your mother. Is it hard 4 u to see her like that?
1667237 tn?1464300631
Who is boogieman?
Avatar universal
wow..ur parents don't know the smell of pot?Well it sounds like u r willing to try to stop!Don't know what else to do?u love animals?do u have animal shelters that could use help?ur state schools sound very advanced in subject matter over ours here!YES..it is hard to see my mom decline....i've been so fortunate...she's the best mom a girl could have.....i go see her every 2 weeks...she's in a safe home for alzheimers/dementia patients...i focus on the good memories w/her...she was so supportive when i got sober/clean and remembers EVERY year 11/22/83 as my recovery date.Thank You 4 the correct spelling of drek!:)i will let my friend dominosarah tell u all about boogieman.....he was in this forum and had a few years or recovery....relapsed and died.
1667237 tn?1464300631
Yeah, I’m willing to stop. Honestly, I`m a little bit enthusiastic about this because I never had a chance to discover other side of life.

My friend has just called me. He told me that tomorrow we are drinking the wine. He has bought it. I said: "Oh, that awesome" and then I remembered so I said: "Or not. I don’t drink anymore". He started to laugh. He said: "How many times I`ve heard that from you. I will control your drinking because of your parents and because I remember how `you trying to control yourself´` goes." Then I explained him the situation and told him about all these things you`ve said to me. Than he sad seriously: "Wow, I don`t know what to say. I`ve known you are deeper in this then me, but I didn`t know you are so deep. I have to think about it." And now I’m really ready for not drinking. He is going to help me even though he is going to drink tomorrow. I’ll just watch. He said he is going to have some pot, so I won`t be bored.

I think you are not aware of how helpful you are. Thank you a lot. I don`t know what to say.

I can`t believe you`re mother remembers the date of your recovery. She really does care about you. My parents are also perfect. They are so nice and they just want me to be happy.

And this about boogieman is a little bit depressing because even if I stop drinking now, I can come back in any moment and make it all worse. Then this whole process doesn`t have any sense. But I am interested about his path. Was he your friend?

And, I haven`t asked you this: Do you mind I spell "you" with little "y"?
Avatar universal
So u will go w/him 2 morrow?he will drink?u will not?and then he whips out the pot?hmmmm...be interesting 2 c what happens!I'm so glad u find our conversations helpful.....u have AA over there?over here there is Young Peoples AA for 16-30 age range!yes it is amazing what my mom recalls....her long term is good.....her short term is fragmented and delusional.That is the thing w/us alcoholics and addicts here.....we can stop...but if we start back up there will be no control....and those of us that have comitted ourselves to this have put ourselves thru hell finally accepting this!i failed so many times over so many years that i was sick n'tired of being sick n' tired.....and came 2 accept there is no control 4 me w/this !Boogieman was our cyber friend here......he had good recovery got down about life let it get the best of him and started to drink again and could not stop......and it killed him.yes little y is fine for you!Oh where r u Sarah?she is fellow dog/cat lover 2!
1667237 tn?1464300631
Yeah, I’m going out with him like every other weekend. I`ve been thinking about stopping hanging around with him to succeed in this, but we are close 4 past 3 years, and I was a really antisocial when we`ve met each other and started to go out together and didn’t want to spend time with his friends or other people, so he chose me over them. I haven`t forced him, but he did. I can`t just abandon him. Not because of his drinking nor because I almost slept with him. I have to make this work. What does it mean "whip"? Is there any synonym?

Yeah, I find this conversation helpful. Mostly because you’ve had some experience and you survived it and you are really nice and you don`t judge me. You know what you are talking about. Most of my friends don`t understand me `coz they have never felt like I do. They listen to me, and say: "I would like to help, but I don`t have a good advice for something like that". So when I talk to them, it`s often tiring for them and it`s like I`m talking to an object. (Tiring because after almost every weekend I say to them: "I`ve screwed up. I`ve been drinking. Again")

AA. Not in my town. Although they exist in Zagreb, but I would have to travel there 4 an hour, and I don`t have anything 2 say 2 my parents like an alibi. And I don`t see myself there. I don`t think I`m an alcoholic, I just like to drink, and have got some problems with drinking. Name "alcoholic" should also be deserved.  
495284 tn?1333894042
I am only checking on here before i head out to work......I will be home at midnight and will then tell you about my friend boogieman.....He was a remarkable person and someone i miss terribly.  He was a gentle man with a heart of gold~~~
1667237 tn?1464300631
OK, thank you 4 that.
btw: At my time zone, you posted this at midnight...
Avatar universal
When i was ur age...i thought like you......i drank like u describe...the drug use came at 17......so u must come to ur own conclusions in ur own time!whip one on me was a term we used in the 70's for pulling a joint out of ones pocket quick...a suprise...and u know the rest of the story!when i use the term we alcoholics/addicts i am referring to the regular posters here who acknowledge their loss of control w/alcohol/drugs...who voice their acceptance...and alcoholic is something no one deserves but comes to accept about themselvs...if it is indeed their condition!
1667237 tn?1464300631
Oh, I didn`t mean that "we alcoholics/addict" is referring to me. I just wanted to say: "I’m not one" to explain you why I don`t feel like going to AA meetings.You asked me have we got AA over here... so i tried to answer...

And I meant "deserve" in way "you have to go through many stages to get there". I really didn`t mean to offend anyone by this expression. But I do think that my or anybody else’s activity is our own fault. Everything is a consequence of our own chooses, even though I believe every person have a right to do whatever he wants to, while he is not hurting other ones directly.

Hope I didn`t offend you somehow... Sorry if I did. Didn`t mean to...
Avatar universal
oh no offense taken at all...was just trying 2 clarify!we all make choices...but w/addiction we have to take responsibility for how we hurt ourselves......and the chemicals blind us to that by what they do to our limbic system!i wouldn't xpect u to go to AA....sometimes some have gone to check them out and to  take care to not compare themselves out of the room...i'm too young,i didn't do that....and there is always i didn't do that...yet!well time to go to sleep here w/the dogs and cats.......i checked out Barney and ur new girl.....sweet looking dogs!
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