Aa
Have i got a problem w/alcohol-part 2
there is no such thing as can't quit....its just not ready too.... and won't quit!
Congratulations... I see that as a positive thing... And I really am glad for you because you seems like u r such a nice person and you deserve to be happy... And have a nice time celebrating this day...
Today i celebrated 3 yrs off drugs. After reading and posting on this i am even more grateful for my sobriety/clean time.
It`s time for me to question all of my choices and ways of looking at this world. I shouldn`t make this so irrelevant. This may take a while (read: days)...
COMMUNITY LEADER
yes it is getting tedious...and a lot of recovery energy has been expended here....and i think ppl need to conserve their energy...as i'm going to.....u have hit the nail on the head.....enjoy what ur doing.....u state u r lazy and not ready to quit and rationalize ur behavior so it is what it is!
OK, I remembered one more thing about i-couldn`t-even-cuddle-my-cat night. And it doesn`t prove that I don`t have a problem, but opposite... But I`m not trying to prove I don`t have a problem, but to be honest... So, while i was freaking out, I searched every little detail of my room that night trying to find something, anything psychoactive...
Don`t you find this boring?
Don`t you find this boring?
Thanks for caring... Actually, I also hope that I`ll change my way of viewing things, I would like to be a different person... But I`m not, and I’m too lazy to do anything about it.
But I really can stop. I just have to want it. But I don`t. And you didn`t stop, because you didn`t want to do anything about it, just like me... I want to stop w/alcohol so I will. Because I can...
And those statements that define an addict, just prove me I`m not one... I admit I have some problems with alcohol, but I had really never done half of that stuff, or I did once or twice
I´ll explain every statement... But you don`t have to read it because it`ll be really long post...
- drinking 7 days a week... (just once it was every day in one month but 15 days of that were winter holidays, so... and I haven`t drank all day long, just at evening, maybe once or twice 2 times a day)
- I have never literally look at the clock, my time was when my mother went to her room at the evening
- about holidays - Almost every time there is some bar, I was miserable just once when nothing was opened and I could go out during the week so that night I should have been enjoying the evening with my friend
- I drink alone because I don`t go out every day, and my parents don`t notice then so I don`t have to listen to them or cause problems, and my bed is close when I pass out. When I go out, i feel bed after I pass out. Then I`m a burden
- Ok, I hate myself really often because of my drinking and get depressed and hopeless
- Ok, I told myself I will stop drinking zillion times, and every time was "different", but now it really is because I feel strong enough, and that`s because of talking to you who were in worse situation then I am and still succeeded to stop
- I haven`t cried, I was just depressive and full of hate (once, and only once, I even couldn`t cuddle my cat because I was freaking out) when I drank and smoked everything and spent all my money... and I weren`t craving anything, I just needed to escape from reality or missed the habit
- I don`t have a child, but recently I was invited on some birthdays after I don`t know how much time, and I should have bought some weed with me, but I smoked it alone
- I don`t have do the finances 4 my family so... But I spend what I should be eating in school on alcohol and drugs... I have to sacrifice myself a little bit 4 what I want. That`s normal process in life
OK, I did lot of that things… (And I`m excusing myself… F**k…) But not as often as you… Ibizan, I know what you said about "I didn`t do this"... i`m not doing it to prove that I don`t have a problem, but to prove that I`m not so deep as you think I am...
It`s not a problem for me to talk to you, it`s ok, but I find myself boring right now... I have too much to say and rationalize... Ahh... (Croatian sound of exhaustion)
But I really can stop. I just have to want it. But I don`t. And you didn`t stop, because you didn`t want to do anything about it, just like me... I want to stop w/alcohol so I will. Because I can...
And those statements that define an addict, just prove me I`m not one... I admit I have some problems with alcohol, but I had really never done half of that stuff, or I did once or twice
I´ll explain every statement... But you don`t have to read it because it`ll be really long post...
- drinking 7 days a week... (just once it was every day in one month but 15 days of that were winter holidays, so... and I haven`t drank all day long, just at evening, maybe once or twice 2 times a day)
- I have never literally look at the clock, my time was when my mother went to her room at the evening
- about holidays - Almost every time there is some bar, I was miserable just once when nothing was opened and I could go out during the week so that night I should have been enjoying the evening with my friend
- I drink alone because I don`t go out every day, and my parents don`t notice then so I don`t have to listen to them or cause problems, and my bed is close when I pass out. When I go out, i feel bed after I pass out. Then I`m a burden
- Ok, I hate myself really often because of my drinking and get depressed and hopeless
- Ok, I told myself I will stop drinking zillion times, and every time was "different", but now it really is because I feel strong enough, and that`s because of talking to you who were in worse situation then I am and still succeeded to stop
- I haven`t cried, I was just depressive and full of hate (once, and only once, I even couldn`t cuddle my cat because I was freaking out) when I drank and smoked everything and spent all my money... and I weren`t craving anything, I just needed to escape from reality or missed the habit
- I don`t have a child, but recently I was invited on some birthdays after I don`t know how much time, and I should have bought some weed with me, but I smoked it alone
- I don`t have do the finances 4 my family so... But I spend what I should be eating in school on alcohol and drugs... I have to sacrifice myself a little bit 4 what I want. That`s normal process in life
OK, I did lot of that things… (And I`m excusing myself… F**k…) But not as often as you… Ibizan, I know what you said about "I didn`t do this"... i`m not doing it to prove that I don`t have a problem, but to prove that I`m not so deep as you think I am...
It`s not a problem for me to talk to you, it`s ok, but I find myself boring right now... I have too much to say and rationalize... Ahh... (Croatian sound of exhaustion)
I think at your age we were all rationalising our addictions,
We told ourselves we could stop if we wanted to,but for some reason we never did,
When you get to drinking 7 days a week,
When you can't wait for the clock to tell you it's ok to start drinking now,
When you become agitated because you forgot a public holiday was coming up and nowhere is open to buy alcohol,and you have run out and you start to panic.
When you sit at home in your bedroom drinking alone,not wanting to let people see how much you drink,
When you hate yourself because you drink,and get depressed,
When you tell yourself no more,but that night you hit the bottle again,
When you have cried in desperation because you can't afford the alcohol you crave
When you have told your children you can't afford to do something with them,but you still sit there and have your alcohol.
When you are spending more on alcohol for yourself than on groceries for the whole family.
These are things that to me defined my alcoholism.
After 34 years of destructive behaviour and finding out my liver couldn't take it any more I knew I had to put a stop to it.
You,one day will have that realisation, I just hope it happens before you ruin your life or someone elses.
Keep talking to us-at least you are questioning your decisions,and hopefully one of us can steer you in the right direction.
Take Care
Denise
We told ourselves we could stop if we wanted to,but for some reason we never did,
When you get to drinking 7 days a week,
When you can't wait for the clock to tell you it's ok to start drinking now,
When you become agitated because you forgot a public holiday was coming up and nowhere is open to buy alcohol,and you have run out and you start to panic.
When you sit at home in your bedroom drinking alone,not wanting to let people see how much you drink,
When you hate yourself because you drink,and get depressed,
When you tell yourself no more,but that night you hit the bottle again,
When you have cried in desperation because you can't afford the alcohol you crave
When you have told your children you can't afford to do something with them,but you still sit there and have your alcohol.
When you are spending more on alcohol for yourself than on groceries for the whole family.
These are things that to me defined my alcoholism.
After 34 years of destructive behaviour and finding out my liver couldn't take it any more I knew I had to put a stop to it.
You,one day will have that realisation, I just hope it happens before you ruin your life or someone elses.
Keep talking to us-at least you are questioning your decisions,and hopefully one of us can steer you in the right direction.
Take Care
Denise
And I know the risk. And the death doesn`t seem to me as bad as this life on this planet. And than again. I won`t ever kill myself, I guess. I would ruin my familly...
And I hate the way all this sounds... So f*cking miserable...
And I hate the way all this sounds... So f*cking miserable...
You are right.
Big part of inner turmoil is caused by conflict between something I should be/my parents and everyone else want me to be and what I want to be/ I am. But I’m not fully ready to abandon all of my wishes. So I try to make some compromise and that`s not possible. That makes me a prisoner in my own mind.
But, to end this cycle, which I`m aware of for a long time, I would have to change all what I am. I would have to change my life completely and adjust myself to thousands of pointless rules, no matter if they r attached to manners or laws... And those rules make me hate this whole world. When I try to accept them, I feel guilty and dirty. Like I`m betraying myself and selling my personality 4 being fake. And that feeling is even stronger than following this cycle. That`s the price I cannot pay... I want to be what naturally comes to me (and that`s not possible because of materialism and those rules so I`m running away as you said) as long as I don`t hurt anyone directly, except me. It`s the only way I know how to live. It`s pathetic. I know. But, f*ck... I think I really should see psychiatrist(but I probably won`t). I don`t complicate this situation w/alcohol as much I complicate life. I have my own twisted theories, not about what`s moral/immoral, then what person has/hasn`t a right to do.
Big part of inner turmoil is caused by conflict between something I should be/my parents and everyone else want me to be and what I want to be/ I am. But I’m not fully ready to abandon all of my wishes. So I try to make some compromise and that`s not possible. That makes me a prisoner in my own mind.
But, to end this cycle, which I`m aware of for a long time, I would have to change all what I am. I would have to change my life completely and adjust myself to thousands of pointless rules, no matter if they r attached to manners or laws... And those rules make me hate this whole world. When I try to accept them, I feel guilty and dirty. Like I`m betraying myself and selling my personality 4 being fake. And that feeling is even stronger than following this cycle. That`s the price I cannot pay... I want to be what naturally comes to me (and that`s not possible because of materialism and those rules so I`m running away as you said) as long as I don`t hurt anyone directly, except me. It`s the only way I know how to live. It`s pathetic. I know. But, f*ck... I think I really should see psychiatrist(but I probably won`t). I don`t complicate this situation w/alcohol as much I complicate life. I have my own twisted theories, not about what`s moral/immoral, then what person has/hasn`t a right to do.
With all the inner turmoil you are having you are a prisoner. You want to drink, you dont want to drink....You also want to use some other substance to take the place of alcohol. You are running from the demons that haunt your life and your dreams. We have all been there and thank God we made it to the other side. Some havent been so lucky and have died. Until you face your demons and your fears this cycle will continue. I am telling you from 1st hand experience this is a dead end road. There is no happy ending to substance abuse but there is a happy ending with recovery.........sara
No, I can`t see it. Why would I b a prisoner? I think I`m not but I`m willing 2 question that...
The answers lie within yourself.....too bad you cant see that right now. You wouldnt be a prisoner in your own head~~~
Yeah, I know I shouldn`t mess around w/drugs... but I˙m not ready 4 changing my whole life. Right now, the most important thing to me is not drinking. And if that means I`ll rely on some other substance, never mind...
It is my preoccupation. Everything else seems pointless. I wish that it doesn`t, but it does, and I don`t have a strength to fight so much w/myself.
Firstly I have to stop drinking, maybe then I won`t be depressed so often and I`ll find something worth living 4, and then make some new changes. But I don`t know...
I wrote something wrong. 25 g is 700-900kn
It is my preoccupation. Everything else seems pointless. I wish that it doesn`t, but it does, and I don`t have a strength to fight so much w/myself.
Firstly I have to stop drinking, maybe then I won`t be depressed so often and I`ll find something worth living 4, and then make some new changes. But I don`t know...
I wrote something wrong. 25 g is 700-900kn
COMMUNITY LEADER
No ur not done yet w/all this..and it is ur true preoccupation in life it seems!
I don`t see I have a problem with pot. Yeah, I do spend my all money on drugs and alcohol but never mind. Maybe it`ll get better sometimes in the future when I`ll have some realistic money...
1g is 100kn, 156 about 700-900, 50 is 1500, and so on... some kind of normal salary is 3 000-6 000kn... But I need at least 3000 kn to make me satisfied just with M. And then I need cigarettes, or tobacco (because of lack of money). Maybe I`ll start to grow M when I`ll have my own place. How are your prices considering average salary?
And maybe it won`t get better. But that`s further future. And I really need something to hold me in here... And I want to experiment w/some stuff... I`m not done yet. Maybe it sounds stupid but my life goal is to experiment... it`s my only true preoccupation on this world...
1g is 100kn, 156 about 700-900, 50 is 1500, and so on... some kind of normal salary is 3 000-6 000kn... But I need at least 3000 kn to make me satisfied just with M. And then I need cigarettes, or tobacco (because of lack of money). Maybe I`ll start to grow M when I`ll have my own place. How are your prices considering average salary?
And maybe it won`t get better. But that`s further future. And I really need something to hold me in here... And I want to experiment w/some stuff... I`m not done yet. Maybe it sounds stupid but my life goal is to experiment... it`s my only true preoccupation on this world...
COMMUNITY LEADER
I read ur comments and u take me back in time and memory of the internal battle i began at age 19 to try to control my use.I once stopped for 2 months w/pot.....rationalized i had no problem and began smoking all over again.Hence the vicious merry go round began again!I finally stopped at 28......and u r 17....ugghhhhh!can u imagine urself going thru this for 11 more years?
I didn´t know Eleanor Roosevelt or anyone else said that, but I do agree with that... I`ll google her quotes. Maybe I find something interesting.
Thanks 4 all advices...
Yeah, the action part begins... I’m enthusiastic about it again. My friend said to me I`m not so anti-social since I stopped or, better say, reduced my drinking, which is 11 days ago... weird, huh? For the first time, I really try to succeed in something after who knows how much time... So I`m interested in next part of the story...
Thanks 4 all advices...
Yeah, the action part begins... I’m enthusiastic about it again. My friend said to me I`m not so anti-social since I stopped or, better say, reduced my drinking, which is 11 days ago... weird, huh? For the first time, I really try to succeed in something after who knows how much time... So I`m interested in next part of the story...
COMMUNITY LEADER
thank u 4 ur comments to babygames......u know u have a problem dear...and u have good insight in2 it..now the action part must come.....and thank u for pointing out to babygames that she has CHOSEN to remain in her situation!like Eleanor roosevelt once said...No one takes advantage of u without ur consent!
I hope you don`t mind. I have something more to say to you…
„He never should have quit“, you said that. I guess you knew alcoholic can start to drink again. If you weren`t ready for that, you should have left him years ago. I`m sorry if this sounds cruel, but I`ve made impression that facts are the most important thing for you, so I`m trying to show this situation on the other hand.
He never should have quit. But he has. For you, probably. You think that he started to drink again purposely. Well, he didn`t. It just happened. I’m not saying that this is not his fault. `Coz no matter if we (we=generally, human race, anyone) do it under or because of the influence, we still do it. It`s us. No one else. We did it to ourselves when we decided to experiment with alcohol or drugs. And the illness is just an excuse, because we were building it 4 quite some time. I see it that way, even though lot of members wouldn`t agree with me.
It seems to me you are not angry at your husband, you are angry at yourself because of your choice, because you trusted him.
I can just imagine what you went and are going trough. But you have 2 choices:
1.let it go, be happy, explore everything you wanted to, but couldn`t because of your husband, show your kids what life should look like (if they are young)
2.stay angry, impulsive, do not provide your kids enough love(you probably can`t because of this anger), and help them to become alcoholics (kids often became like their parents because they are their models of “normal” behavior)
I hope you are not offended by the fact that the person who needs to “STFU” is advising you. And good luck…
P.S. “Grow up”, you said that. But is this how you imagine being grown up? “an angry bitter woman, with 3 children”? If you still have got so much anger, how come you didn`t act like an adult and solve your problems? Maybe, if you stop judging your ex and try to do that, it will get better...
„He never should have quit“, you said that. I guess you knew alcoholic can start to drink again. If you weren`t ready for that, you should have left him years ago. I`m sorry if this sounds cruel, but I`ve made impression that facts are the most important thing for you, so I`m trying to show this situation on the other hand.
He never should have quit. But he has. For you, probably. You think that he started to drink again purposely. Well, he didn`t. It just happened. I’m not saying that this is not his fault. `Coz no matter if we (we=generally, human race, anyone) do it under or because of the influence, we still do it. It`s us. No one else. We did it to ourselves when we decided to experiment with alcohol or drugs. And the illness is just an excuse, because we were building it 4 quite some time. I see it that way, even though lot of members wouldn`t agree with me.
It seems to me you are not angry at your husband, you are angry at yourself because of your choice, because you trusted him.
I can just imagine what you went and are going trough. But you have 2 choices:
1.let it go, be happy, explore everything you wanted to, but couldn`t because of your husband, show your kids what life should look like (if they are young)
2.stay angry, impulsive, do not provide your kids enough love(you probably can`t because of this anger), and help them to become alcoholics (kids often became like their parents because they are their models of “normal” behavior)
I hope you are not offended by the fact that the person who needs to “STFU” is advising you. And good luck…
P.S. “Grow up”, you said that. But is this how you imagine being grown up? “an angry bitter woman, with 3 children”? If you still have got so much anger, how come you didn`t act like an adult and solve your problems? Maybe, if you stop judging your ex and try to do that, it will get better...
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