How do I know if my wife's drinking and pot smoking is a problem?

[Tony_R]

I have been married to my beautiful wife for 6 years.  We have been together for 10.  For most of our time together, drinking and smoking pot was just part of what we did.  She was, and probably still is, a daily pot smoker.  She has always liked to drink, and she becomes visibly inebriated quickly. I feel I can tell so easily in her eyes. I've had to carry her out of parties, she had to go sleep in the car during a wedding we went to once (right after the dinner), and she doesn't seem to be able to recognize when she has had enough. Overall, she has exhibited alot of trainwreck/lush type behavior since I've known her. I've caught her hiding booze around the house, smoking pot before work, and find myself pleading with her to not smoke pot before we go to dinner, or while on a vacation weekend, or other times where I wonder why she feels she needs to be high.  Her Mother was also an alcoholic, and my wife has her fair share of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues related to her life experience.

Maybe some men would not have such an issue with this, but I do.  I have grown up, and believe there is a reasonable time/place to drink or smoke pot, which should be less frequent as you age (I'm 38 now).  Not everyone shares this view. Even my group of friends (some older, very successful, and seem to have there stuff together) seem to drink and smoke pot as much as my wife.  Does that mean it's normal?  Because they are men, should that make a difference? Does the new age of pot smoking dictate that being high on weed all the time is good somehow (healing, etc.)?  

In any case, my wife's attitude, use of, and reaction to, excessive pot use and alcohol has driven me further from her over the years.  It has made me not want to be intimate with her when she is drunk of stoned. I've wanted to have kids for years, but I refuse to unless she changes things.  I've told her this frequently.  I fear I have grown some resentment towards her for that.  We argue about drinking and pot smoking all the time.  She has gotten better over the years, but it is still a big enough problem to upset me deeply.  I have grown unhappy in my marriage because of it.  However, I love her and want things to change so that we can take the next step in our lives and grow together.  

I don't know what to do?  I don't know where the problem lies?  I don't know what I want exactly?  Am I contributing/enabling?  Is what she does really that bad?  

Please help.  

[10356]

You may not have a problem with Alcohol our Pot But your wife does.. She cannot stop once started.. Neither could I. The only Solution to this is Abstinence. It could start with you. If you are not addicted our a alcoholic then for you it would be easy for your wife not so much But it makes it a Hell of a lot easier for her to get clean if her home is clean as in No Alcohol our Pot. At least you will be sending a Message. Then you can start to address this Honestly.. I wish you both well. lesa

[ibizan]

I've been sober and clean for 33 years.Pot was a daily staple for me for 17 years,plus excessive alcohol use on the weekends.What you describe here is VERY problematic!Pot creates a psychological dependency for its fans.None of this is normal!The problem lies within her and you.Is she willing to address it?Are you willing to examine your own use along w/hers?YES,you are enabling/contributing!Now, would both of you be willing to go to a reputable licensed chemical dependency counselor, be totally honest and make a plan for what you intend to do?