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1963551 tn?1325604592

Husband in Alcohol Rehab and do not know where

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4. We have went to several near death with his over drinking and several rehabs. He is not abusive to me..sweetest man you will ever meet. until he drinks..then i watch him stumble, fall, pee on himself, and pass out. This last time I left the house on Thanksgiving day due to his drunkeness and saying bad things to me..I ended up in the emergency room and hospital for 4 days with bleeding inside due to high blood pressure and stress..When I was in the hospital he had went on one of his destroying the house episodes, doing horrible things, throwing away my medicine, pictures, taking the mattress outside, before he left he cut the water hose and electirical hoses on the dryer and washing machine and flooded the house..He stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks and I told him he had to get help..just couldn't do this anymore. He called and said bye and I found out from his parents that he is in a rehab but he cant write or call..they want tell me where..I filed for divorce and it will be final in Feb..He will have no idea of the divorce..I miss him so much and I know that sounds bad, but we always had fun and did things until the drinking got heavy again. Im paying a lawyer and now I really feel guilty...His mom says let it go..but don't get a divorce..he can't work on a marriage until he works on himself..my thing is ..i need to talk to him before the divorce is final..just to see how he is doing..I am so confused..I do love him so much and miss him..Do I call off the Divorce and wait for him, do i go through with it and maybe down the road we can get back together..i just don't know what to do..
76 Responses
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
well pooh...the proof is in the pudding!this lady is in her late 40's and u were younger!AND.......u have shown that ur taking reponsibility for ur behavior.....i think u woulda let her know what inpatient facility u were in!its a common thing that a spouse will go to inpatient in a last ditch effort to save a marriage...the tangible part of it......but sometimes there is too much damage done and its not possible...at the present.If this man truly wants to save his marriage.......he will get sober and do the necessary recovery work all of us had to do here in order to live and take resposibilty for the damage we did.Let the divorce go thru.Sometimes ppl reconcile afterwards..but there is a lot of work that needs to be done on both parts...his has already been noted and hers....to stop the enabling and look at her part in the crazy dance of alcoholism.big cyberhug my bear!:)
193905 tn?1325400789
I say don't divorce him just yet. He did not do thoses things you said...ALCOHOLISM did that. It's a separate monster and not your husband that you love so much that did all that. Try your hardest to understand that he's sick and just needs to get better. If he follows the rocovery plan that he will be taught in rehab he will more loving than you thought he was before. Get the book Alcoholic's Anonymous and read the chapter (To the wife's) It's written for you, do it now. It will explain whats going on and what will be going on and better help you deal with it all. Trust me when I tell you that it may very well be OK if he learns what they are going to teach him. You can find the book online if you need to. I urge you to do it quickly. Just breath and pray for now and read that chapter.
Avatar universal
I acted similar to my ex-wife when I was drinking... not as destructive as the examples you gave, but definitely used words as a weapon and puked my guts out with her helping me.   I didn't understand the gravity of my lifestyle until 6 months after the divorce, i haven't completely quit drinking yet, but i've cut down drastically and am no longer calling in sick to my new work because of hangovers.   to answer your question, i would divorce him if all else has failed,  my ex-wife asked a woman who is still married to an alcoholic for 30+ years for advice, and she said she wishes she would have left him younger when she still had a chance for a new life.  i think blaming drinking on a disease is B.S,  i was/am addicted as they come to alcohol, and it's a choice you make, just like smoking.   to help him, give him a wake up call, in the long run it will help based on my experience.
1963551 tn?1325604592
Thanks for the advise and support..I have a month to stop the divorce..In Texas there is a 60 day cooling off..I was so hurt and pushed to the limit this last time I just went straight to the lawyer when I got out of the hospital..I thought if this life is effecting my health like this then I got to think about myself..But, I am the type that thinks about the other..You don't know how hard it was to tell my husband he could not come home and to stay at that hotel..running out of money..he quit his good job that he just started so he would not have any income coming in so he was going to be homeless, jobless and no car.  All I wanted to do is go and pick him up and bring him home but, my gut told me this is it..tough love, He had hit rock bottom and I knew this is where he needed to be..I supplied him with numbers to call for help, shelters, etc..So that plan worked..he did get help and is at a all men's facility somewhere that is all I know. It just hurts that I was not his first call or his emergency call..His parents are. I guess he feels i deserted him and he is angry. I do have the AA book, that he has from one of his rehabs that he went to. I will read the chapter "'to Wifes" ...I know it is good for him not to have any communication but, my gosh..I think I need to know where he is an be able to communicate with my husband..Like I said..I have another month to stop the divorce..and I am really confused on this..I was married before to a drug addict for 24 years...He has totally changed his life..It took a divorce and a great church to get him through it and he did it..Im going to go read that now..I hope it helps me..and thanks for the advise so far..Only I can make the decision but, it helps to talk about it an hear other stories.
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
i agree w/lunar 1!so who pays all the damages for ur flooded home?that is no light matter there!there is NO guarantee that when he comes out of rehab all will be well....it has taken him years to get this way and it will take him as long to FULLY recover...but that depends upon him admitting his horrid behaviors and fully accepting his disease and that he cannot take that first drink.Were there children affected by this?
1963551 tn?1325604592
No children..I am 48 and he is 43..He has children and they are grown and so do I..Last year when this happened..I had 3 parakeets and he let them all go..So yes he has done some weird things..I used to think it was a disease and people made me feel guilty and compared it to cancer..but, it is an addition and people with addictions are sick..But, they choose to be that way and it is up to them to get the help..I admire him for getting help (real help) this time..but, it could just be so that he did not have to be homeless..Last thing he said was he didn't want to be like that and he wanted help...but, would get angry when i would say he couldn't come back home..It is just hard because i am in love with the person he was when he didn't drink..It was easier with the drug addict, he was abusive to me,..but, my husband now, just takes it out on the house..And yes, I am the one paying for all the damages to the house..and it sux..also jewelry missing..
1963551 tn?1325604592
Also, when i would ask him why he did those things..it was always that I needed to stop bringing up the past and that he did not know why he did them.
193905 tn?1325400789
I speek for myself when I say to you that at sometime in my drinking days I totally lost the power of choice. If it would have been that easy, I would have chose not to drink. I and the majority of recovering alcoholics that I know believe in the disease concept of alcoholism. Support and understanding will go along way. I'm just saying to try and treat him like you would a sick friend (or loved one).
1963551 tn?1325604592
I understand..the whole thing just makes me angry..To love someone so much..and you are right..he is not only a sick friend..he is my best friend that I really want to talk to before I go through this divorce..How long to they keep them before they can call or you can write back to them.? Since I don't know where he is..i have no way of supporting him
193905 tn?1325400789
He most likely can not call anyone for the first 72 hours but I would bet that when he does contact you that your support and understanding will be valuable to him. It will most likely be the HOPE he needs to move him foreward in his recovery process. At least that will be my hope and prayer for the two of you.
1963551 tn?1325604592
He has been there for almost a month...His mom said he can't call out or write just yet..so I am assuming it is one of those 30 to 60 day in treatment..The others that he was in were 28 days..and too freely to come and go and call out..One I could visit and not go to his room..the other i could visit and go in to his room and it was mixed gender and i think that is the bad ones..Too easy for a rehab romance for some..He is at a mens facility right now..Just wish I new where and pray he calls soon...Thanks for the info..
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
Whoa!a facility that allows male/female roomates?that is insane!I've been sober/clean 28 years.Not everyone in my family understood/supported my problem nor my resulting behavior from it.I had to accept/deal w/that!I fully accept that i have this disease,and do not have the OFF switch when it comes to choosing to consume/alcohol/drugs.For others to say or expect u to be fully understanding/support this man who has caused u so much damage plus killed ur beloved animals in an alcoholic rampage is unrealistic.U need to move on and take care of urself,do what is best for u.It will take u years to heal from this.Six years ago i loved a man who was clean from cocaine for 3 years.He relapsed,became verbally and mentally cruel.....and gave me an STD that he denied giving me even tho he was the only one i'd been w/in 10 years.He showed me NO support/understanding during the death of my dad,dx'ing of my moms Lewy Body Dementia and loss of 2 beloved animals from cancer.I had to cut him loose for he rejected helping himself.It hurt very much,but i had to salvage what was left of my sanity.I think u must do the same.So keep riding that beautiful horse i saw u on in ur profile pic...nice saddle 2......and be strong for u...he must climb in2 his own saddle of sobriety and do the hard recovery work many of us have done here to achieve long term sobriety.....one day at a time!
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