Husband in Alcohol Rehab and do not know where

[Robinlynn1206]

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4. We have went to several near death with his over drinking and several rehabs. He is not abusive to me..sweetest man you will ever meet. until he drinks..then i watch him stumble, fall, pee on himself, and pass out. This last time I left the house on Thanksgiving day due to his drunkeness and saying bad things to me..I ended up in the emergency room and hospital for 4 days with bleeding inside due to high blood pressure and stress..When I was in the hospital he had went on one of his destroying the house episodes, doing horrible things, throwing away my medicine, pictures, taking the mattress outside, before he left he cut the water hose and electirical hoses on the dryer and washing machine and flooded the house..He stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks and I told him he had to get help..just couldn't do this anymore. He called and said bye and I found out from his parents that he is in a rehab but he cant write or call..they want tell me where..I filed for divorce and it will be final in Feb..He will have no idea of the divorce..I miss him so much and I know that sounds bad, but we always had fun and did things until the drinking got heavy again. Im paying a lawyer and now I really feel guilty...His mom says let it go..but don't get a divorce..he can't work on a marriage until he works on himself..my thing is ..i need to talk to him before the divorce is final..just to see how he is doing..I am so confused..I do love him so much and miss him..Do I call off the Divorce and wait for him, do i go through with it and maybe down the road we can get back together..i just don't know what to do..

[Robinlynn1963]

Me and my husband are doing great. We were baptised together in a little 140 year old church on fathers day. He is still in rehab., and is doing great. I am working on getting us a place to start a new life. I still live with my son. He has been sober since Dec 9 2011..So proud of him.

[rpooo]

Good morning. I’m really proud of you for doing so much to make this work although it is really his problem to begin with but when you’re in a marriage you have to learn to help each other. Just reading back at everything you have had to say about this man and the things he has done it seems pretty clear to me that he has not tried to demonstrate much control of his behavior while intoxicated. I spent most of my drinking time right on the edge of being drunk and nobody would ever know well unless you really knew me. Still I wasn't up causing drama, just sat around chilling out with my beer, cigs and a movie. Always ready for a good conversation. I sure wasn't like that when I was young I guess it comes with age and professional alcoholism if there is such a term! ha ha

I think a man should always show respect to his wife, there is no excuse
other than "I'm sorry, you deserve better from me". That should go both ways. Sometimes we make mistakes especially when alcohol is involved. Have you thought to ask him face to face "why will it be different this time and why does he want it so bad?" I think for most of us there will always be that desire to just say to hell with everything but with the strength and efforts it has taken to just get this far along with the support from our loved ones it would take tragedy to ever go back to that lifestyle.

Well I hope the best for you and if things don't work out just know it sure won’t be your fault. You’re a good person to try so hard. Better days are coming with or without him. this is his big chance to make you very happy or someone else will! Take care and God bless you Robin Lynn!

Randy

[Robinlynn1206]

Hello there, Just thought I would give everyone an update. I have been pretty busy with work, and getting ready to move. TT hubby..only for about 5 minutes..He said when I come down in two weeks he can leave for a couple hours to go have lunch. So I can't wait..He sounded like he was in a hurry and then i realized they were all fixing to watch the Superbowl so they were probably hurrying on the calls..MEN....just like a man to hurry you up so he can watch a dang football game...ha ha..Anyway..i am not really liking my Alanon class..I used to like it..but, seems like the group is just not the same...Might start going at a different time..maybe a diff group of people..Reading self help books and praying seem to help me more these days..oh and staying busy. I know where I went wrong in the relationship and I know I still have a lot to learn of how of how to handle situations. Before, I would just go off about anything that he tried to hide..Since I am in the process of moving/packing..I found a hidden water bottle full of wine..No telling how long it was up in that cabinet behind everything. It is stuff like that, which I do not want to go through again. So, I pray he is getting the help and learning to handle his addition. We write back and forth..he gets to send a letter a week. I have been getting a lot of support from some ladies at church that have or are going through the same situation as I am..I appreciate every ones input on this so keep the advise coming..

[dominosarah]

Resentments and interferences need to be dealt with in recovery.  The things that have been done such as the flooding and animals etc need to be discussed at some point.  That sort of stuff sits on the back burner and simmers.  This is some of the reality to this situation.  This has nothing to do with being male or female.  It has everything to do with setting boundries and dealing with the demons that have haunted this relationship that both of the parties will have to deal with this in their own recovery and then together as a couple.  Off my soapbox for now!

[ibizan]

i'm not stoking any fire!in fact if u've read my posts after she clearly xplained all...i'm supporting her doing what she feels she must do w/emphasis on her own beginning self care regime!she's going from setting very little boundaries to needing some!and BTW...dig ur male Spunk as well!:)

[redbull]

Your right, I need to relax here. It just seems that your poking the fire with  a stick regarding the flooding and the cost and damage done over and over. She loves the guy, makes it clear on many post. Most of your posts seem to be "let the divorce go thru", "who's paying for the damage", "move on" and flood damage, flood damage and killing your amimals. I'll lighten up here...I think its just the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing that's going on with me. I'm a guy and siding with him and you're a women. I know for a fact that we think differenty because of that..and I'm sorry, God did that, not me :-) but it's true, we're gonna see this differently. We need to just agree to disagree, and I will "Jump back Jack" and chill. Another meeting has never hurt me...Love your Spunk,,by the way :-)

[ibizan]

So glad ur sticking to ur committment to stick to ur limit setting!Both of u have ur own recovery programs to work.....u work urs and he must work his.Sure hope he can look at the others who've been in jail/prison and conclude there4 by the grace of God could have gone ME!

[Robinlynn1206]

Went very well had a 4 hour visit..We had to sit in one room (living room)..but i think that is great they are monitored like that..I took him a lot of snacks and his shorts he asked for. I didn't realize he sleeps in one big room with about 14 people..But you are right he put himself there and he tried to tell me how people steel stuff and all the drama that happens there..I felt sorry but, stuck to my guns about his commitment.  Most of the people there have been in jail or trouble with drugs and such..so he feels like he is better but, i told him he has been in prison since he was 15 with the alcohol so he is no different. And yes he treated me like a queen, but he has always done that in his sober times..It was a long day, 5 hours of driving there and back..saw a big boar running along the side of the highway and it freaked me out..As much of an animal lover that i am..this thing was UGLY...not like the normal cute little pig..So that is my story for today..Thanks to all for your advise and encouragement. RPooo, you hit it right on the nose of how he would act..But he knows he can't come home yet..Have a good night..I have to work at the vet clinic tomorrow so i got to get up early.Good nite

[ibizan]

Jump back Jack!I asked her that for she'd mentioned it in a previous post about flooding...its a stressor when one has to pay damages in a rental house they have to move out of!......on top of everything else going on!Take a chill pill and catch a meeting why doncha?:)

[rpooo]

I think its great Robin that you are still trying to be there for him. Stick to what you just said. Do not let him out of his 12 month commitment of sobriety. Don't be nervous either, he has a lot to be sorry about. He has done this to himself, so it's time to face the music and he is. Dont listen to his stories about how badly he is treated there and that he just wants to come home.

Life is much better through sober eyes and for some reason he has not realized it with the other times he has been to rehab. Rehab is a place for healing and people that want to change their life Not just somewhere you go when your homeless and have destroyed relationships with those that love you.

Be strong today you should expect to be treated like a queen anything less is an insult. Enjoy your day and drive safe! Take care!

Randy

[Robinlynn1206]

I appreciate all the concern and advice..Redbull is right about people causing damage from resentment. I know what i am getting back into..I know how to handle it and the last 2 months have made ME a lot stronger..I am up getting ready right now because I am driving over 2 hours to see him for the first time since Thanksgiving. I am excited yet scared. I didn't get any sleep last night because my son chewed me out about going to see him..Even his own brother thinks I'm wrong. What happened to following your heart for a change. My divorce is still pending..it is just slowed down at this point..I am taking care of myself..I work my butt off at a vet clinic part time and going to alanon meetings, plus helping out at the animal shelter to keep my mind off things..I have to move by end of feb because my landlord has decided to sell the house..So I have alot on my plate now and I really don't need my family talking about not having anything to do with me if I continue talking to my husband and helping him through this..He has made a 12 month committment to better himself..He can leave if he wants..but he would be on the streets..that is what we have all told him..So it is not like he is coming home in the next month..He is there till Dec of 2012..or he will be on the streets..I love him but this is tough love..

[redbull]

I believe step 9 comes after 12345678 Give the guy a chance, he's in a recovery center right now. Robinlynn is doing her part one day at a time with her alanon. She has steps to do and so does he. Just because she loves him doesn't mean she's NOT taking care of herself. I know for a fact that resentment can kill an alcoholic, I'm sure that resentment will do her harm too. Whats with all the concern about who's paying for what at this point? Sounds to me like they're both right where they both need to be at this moment.

[dominosarah]

You mentioned that you are a nurturer in one of your posts.  Instead of taking care of everyone else take care of you for once.  You are important.  

[ibizan]

so what do u think of the meetings?

[Robinlynn1206]

yes i have been to a couple of alanon meetings and I am receiving alot of counseling at church..so yes I am working on my healing also.  

[ibizan]

How r u doing w/the Al-Anon meetings u've gone to thus far?

[dominosarah]

Are you going to any type of recovery care yourself?  Your husband is working on himself now and you have to do the same.  Addiction affects the whole family and you as the wife have taken the brunt of his addiction.  Both of you have to get healthy, not just him.

[Robinlynn1206]

This is a rent house and we had just had a flood from the hot water heater flooding. Everything that his flood did was the same and when the insurance adjuster came to look at it all the water was gone and carpet dry..So really everything went under the insurance..but, now the landlords are needing money to help out their mother in law..so they want to sell the house. I have till end of Feb to move out..After being here 7 years..But it is for the best..Need a change of scenery...

[ibizan]

Do u have to pay for all the damage done to the house by the flooding?

[Robinlynn1206]

Been receiving letters..talked to him twice on the phone and going to make a trip to see him Saturday..they are making an exception for me since i live 2.5 hours away to visit on Saturday and I work Sunday now..I get a 3 hour visit with him..So I will see how he is when i go this Saturday..I will let you know..I have had my mind in work and other things going on..My landlord decided after 7 years of us living here he wants to sale the house. So i have till the end of Feb to find another place to live..When it rains it pours..Thanks for asking and I will let you know..I got a letter today that was very positive..He is starting to think with a clear head now, and making more sense. I talked to one of the administrators because he had called and had to interview me before I came to visit. He said John had a bad day 2 days ago where he cried and just kept saying he wanted to come home that he missed me. He said they go through that after they start thinking clear and when they have a wife at home that wants to work things out they want to come home..but, he is not ready for that yet...I will keep you posted..

[redbull]

I'm thinking about the two of you, I am sending good thoughts your way. Are you seeing some progress and hope?

[redbull]

I'm so glad to see that you are a kind and spirtual person. You are right, a higher power is with you every step of the way, however, faith without works is dead. We keep our house clean with our family by asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. Spitituality is not a theory. We have to live it. I pray that you and John work the 12 steps in your own programs. If this happens, the problems will be removed. It's a promise. The only requierment for this truth is honesty. Whatever you do from here on please make sure it's finding someone in your alanon meetings to help you through the 12 steps. The entire world would benefit from the 12 steps. And pray to God that John does the same thing. I don't think I have the words to describe the power or the freedom that will occur from working the steps. I hope his heart is as open as yours seem to be.

[Robinlynn1206]

thanks for your story..Yes it hurts me but, I sure I will grow stronger in that I am grown and my husband is grown and we have to live our own life. They have watched me go through some rough times in my life and they are in poor health. I am sure they are thinking in the back of their mind. "I want to see my daughter happy and taken care of before we die"..I know that sounds bad..and i don't like to say "die" but, that is what we all have to face in life. I love my family very much..we have always been close, but, the way they think is if someone hurts their daughter or mother..then they will hold a grudge forever. I am different. I am a forgiver and a nurturer. I know alanon will help me and I am happy. I am happy my husband is getting help and that we can write and I know in my heart that someone higher up is with us every step of the way.  

[redbull]

Early in my sobriety, I got the same thing from my family. They thought she made me drink, they were just ignorant of the facts and alcoholism and I was their brother and son, so they sided with me due to blood relation and blinded by whatever. I learned in the program to NOT be taken hostage by ANYBODY including family. I'm a grown and it was my life and they did not know the depth of my world. I simply said to all of them "I'm sorry that you feel this way" and left it at that. I lived a day at a time working the program with my little family. We healed and flourished as time went on (without them). Years later they slowly realized that we were doing just fine while they still had drama. No judgement, we did our thing, they had drama. Our lives changed while they lived with condemnation. We all made our choices (ours was better). It took 7 years for my sisters to realize that John was a different person and a pretty damn cool person at that and that his family is in tact and happy. It took 8 years for my mom to really believe that I didn't drink. The whole time she told my sisters "John doesn't NOT drink" they belived her. I didn't give a ****, I was not out to prove anything to anyone EXCEPT me, my daughters and wife simply watched and came to believe that Dad doesn't drink and lives a spiritual life style. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN HOSTAGE! Family or not, end of story. I made my amends, the rest was out of my hands. Just work my program was my job. It's all good now but it took years for some to get it that I was living MY LIFE not theirs.