Is ''leaving'' my alcoholic/depressed husband the only way to help

Question

Hi I posted on the 'living with an alcoholic' forum but was advised by toothfairie to try here so hoping someone can help me. My husband has suffered from depression with suicidal tendancies and now he is an alcoholic. We have been married for 30 years and I have stood by him and supported him in all that time. He is on medication for his depression and anxiety and sleeping pills. Well the last 5 years - since the death of his mother have been a nightmare. He normally has 8 or more cans of lager per night (he cannot do without these) but roughly every 4 weeks he had these binges where he will drink constantly for bout a fortnight and not eating a thing. He abuses his sleeping pills during this time as he just wants to drink and sleep. I have had to call an ambulance for him on several occasions as he gets into an absolutely frightening state and dont know what else to do. I have to deal with all of this on my own as his family dont bother with him. I have made appointments for him to see alcohol people but he didnt go. During these binges he is totally out of it and cries all of the time which is really draining me now to the point I now have severe anxiety problems and just know this is not goin to stop if he doesnt get help. I get his beer and do everything for him as if i dnt get it he causes a scene or says he will go but i cant handle the thought of neighbours seeing him in the state he gets himself in-this causes me a lot of anxiety. I know i am enabling to carry on this behaviour and dont know WHY i do it. This has gone on for far too long and have reached the point of realising i need to take care of myself now as i cant take any more and worried that i myself will have a mental breakdown. The thing that stops me is what will happen to him if i leave i am so worried about that and always seem to put him first. I really need help please if anyone can and give me some advice.

clime · Answer

let me add we are to make no major decisions like staying or leaving for at least one year in alanon and only if were in physical danger they suggest you try 6 meetings before deciding if this is rite for you

clime · Answer

I feel your pain have been there myself recovering on both sides of the fence I'm a double winner 73 days sober and still in out patient I attended alanon I drank with my husband for 15 yrs had enough with 2 small children I was absolutly terrified and riddled with guilt. this is a DISEASE like any other disease. I wouldn't had stood a chance without alanon. 10.5 yrs. later we beat the statistcs both sober and happy alanon saved my life and probably his

Nighthawk61 · Answer

Since your husband is not working, he should be able to get into a rehab, where they will deal with his grief, his depression, his meds and his alcoholism. I don't know if you have insurance, or if there are any free rehabs, but if it were me, I would look into rehab and let him know of the opportunity, during your intervention. An intervention with your children present, and an addictions counselor with a plan for rehab would be the most humane way to go I believe. You've seen how the show Intervention works right? Also, it's imperative that you check out Alanon, for yourself and your children, if necessary in order to hold your bottom lines and try to force this man into really considering the help that's available. I wish you the very best and am here if you need to talk. My husband and myself got clean and sober after using for close to 25 years ourselves 14 years ago, and have gone through the gambut of pill use, and alcoholism and alot more unfortunately, plus we have both lost our long term spouses and both of our parents, just to give you some faith, it is possible to rebound from this nonsense. You do have the right idea about drawing a line in the sand, and enjoying your golden years without the drama. Life IS too short. Best of luck to you. I'm here if you'd like to ever talk. Liz

snowdrop65 · Answer

Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!

ibizan · Answer

U r so doing the right thing......u'll be in my prayers!look 4 ward to hearing @ur 4ward movement!Enjoy ur grandkids and children.....when its all said and done....the memorable good moments w/family are what life is all @!:)

snowdrop65 · Answer

The last 30 years have gone very quickly and understand that the next will go quicker and that is why I have to act now. I have 2 lovely daughters and grandchildren that I want to watch grow up and play a big part of their lives without the stress, worry and trauma of  dealing with someone who will not accept help. I just wish he would accept help and hope and pray that when I leave (if he does not agree to get help) he will eventually come to his senses and reach out. I wish I did not have to do this and it makes me feel bad but I know I am a good decent caring person that has tried absolutely everything I can think of to help him....and if I dont act now before I know it the end of that next 30yrs will be here. Thanks for listening ibizan and will keep posting.

ibizan · Answer

this is a thought...have the last 30 years gone fast in retrospect?the next will go quicker if u remain w/the status quo....and so glad to hear u have ur ducks in a row and have a plan to no longer be consumed by this,,,whether u stay...or leave...the odds r he will do as he is doing!Life is so short.....its beyond time for u to break the shackles of this and begin a new one 4 urself!Pls keep us posted!

snowdrop65 · Answer

Hi ibizan, thanks for your comment and you are right I will not completely walk away but try and help from a distance if he asks me for it. When he gets over this current binge I will tell him straight. He either gets help or I will leave. This has happened so often over the last 5 years (binges happening much more frequently now) I now realise as long as I am here there is no reason for him to change. I am not financially dependent on him as he does not work. My kids are now grown up and luckily for them left home before all of these binge and pill popping episodes started. I try to keep exactly what is happening at home from them. They know about their Dads problems but not to the extent it has now become as I dont want to worry or upset them. They think I have tried to help him and would not blame me if I left. It will all come out in the end tho. I also will look into the Al-Anon programme. Thank you.

ibizan · Answer

i think when ppl have been married for 30 years..... completely walking away is not going 2 happen...BUT it sounds like he is unlikely to want to change much of his behavior!u need to start having a life minus this. chaos....Al-Anon would be a good place for u to start-r u financially dependent upon him?do u have children?whats their take on all this?

Nohopenick1 · Answer

Look, I understand he needs help..I have some problems but you have to make a choice...live your life or live his for him...I'm not saying forget about him but if u don't live your life you will regret it..........trust me..

GoPens66 · Answer

Wow, he sounds like me after my dad and sister died within only months of each other. nothing helped me for over a year.  finally a detox Dr told me that I needed grief counselor.  So...I did.  It was a hard time. . . but after a few months of therapy...staying sober got easy.  nothing is work ing for your husband because he has not dealt with his grief.  I have been sober now 14 months. And I still go to counseling .  Don't give up on him... he is lost.  I agree you HAVE to take care of yourself. If you don't do that... you can' t help you or him.  If you are interested I would greatly love to talk to you more. I wish you luck, but mostly peace.