Like to drink but married to an alcoholic?

[Climber36]

We have been married for 5 years and live in our dream home and have had a dream marriage 99% of the time. She has depression which I did not know was that bad and got drunk and tried to kill herself. She has got help and has counciling but it is only like every 2 weeks. I have quit drinking and I am not an alcoholic but I am sure some people could call me that cause I like beer. I do not abuse her but after a hard day working I like to have a few. Or mowing the grass and etc. I don't want to get devorced cause I love her so much. But If she cannot be around people that drink, that eliminates all our friends.

She says it is her or beer? Is that fair? I love my life style and don't want to change it. I also do not want her to drink again and endanger her life. Do I have to leave her?

[TTinKKerBBell]

I just re read all this - another thing that occurs to me is - You say You've been married for "5 YEARS", that You live in Your " Dream Home", and that You have a "Dream Marriage 99% of the time", and THEN You wonder if You should leave so You can still have Your beer!!??

I agree with what You have put forth here in the sense that Your Wife has a problem with alcohol but what I am questioning is - do You have a "problem" with alcohol as well??  When You would choose alcohol over Your "Dreams"??  THAT sounds like a problem on behalf of YourSelf as well.  Beer instead of a "dream life, a dream house, a dream marriage"??

I don't get that!!

What I fail to understand is why/how You would see it a "problem" to give up Your beer as opposed to giving up Your "Dream Home" and "Dream Marriage" (Your words, not mine) Please make me understand why You see this as a delimma??

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think it's great that Your Wife is going to AA.

I do have thoughts after reading Your posts that I wonder if You should ponder?

You said in Your first post that You "quit drinking" but You also said You  have a "few" beers after a "hard day at work" and when "mowing the lawn".  She said "it's Her or the beer".  You asked "do I have to leave Her?".

There's a HUGE clue here!!  I hope You don't miss it.

Your question comes down to -  if I can't have my beer, do I have to leave Her?!!!! as in - Beer or Her???? - which do I choose??  You also need to realize that if You are drinking beer then You have NOT "quit drinking".  There is alcohol in beer, You get buzzed on beer, beer will raise Your blood alcohol above the legal limit.  If You are drinking beer, You have not quit drinking!!

It appears drinking could be a life or death matter for Your Wife and I'm glad She's going to A.A. but it would NOT be a bad thing for You to choose between beer and Your Wife.  You make Your biggest concerns sound like it's about being without beer.  I quote Your 2nd post:

"I am now depressed/not happy cause I like to mow the yard with a beer or chop wood etc".  Depressed??!!. Not Happy??!!  It sounds like beer is VERY Important to You.  You sound more worried about not having beer in Your life than the possibility of not having Your Wife be a part of Your life.

A.A. meetings might be beneficial to You as well.  Perhaps You and Your Wife getting/being/staying sober together would be a good thing for the Two of You as a couple.......  Just saying.

Regards,
Tink

[bahamamama13165]

I think it's great she's going to AA. You have to give it time.  When someone is newly sober they are very sensitive to people, places, and things that remind them of drinking. Once she gets further along in her recovery she probably won't mind you drinking a beer. If you don't have a drinking problem it shouldn't bother her. Good luck and be patient :-)

[Climber36]

Well, Friday was her first AA meeting and it went well and her first counciling session is this week, he is a great counciler. I sat in on the "get to know" session and they will invite me if it helps. I guess I want to know what will be "normal" in the future. Will she be able to be around beer? I don't mean parties but at friends houses and whatnot? Guess I am now depressed/not happy cause I like to mow the yard with a beer or chop wood etc. Now I can't even talk about it. She has told me to go riding as I usually do on sundays but when I come home to say in the extra bedroom. I am a bit on the can't stand still side but miss my busch light and have spent the weekend on the couch. .......

[Nighthawk61]

Is your wife going to AA; Maybe you should go to Al Anon, a group for the family of alcoholics? Is your wife's problem mainly depression, it doesn't seem like she is a full blown alcoholic, why is she so concerned about alcohol if her main problem is depression?

[Nighthawk61]

I appreciate that you consider your lifestyle to be normal and you don't want to change that. I understand that she has counselling and that's great. Maybe you could be involved in that counselling and she could be aware that what she's asking of you is too much. I would definitely go to marriage counselling before talking about divorce. It might be too difficult for her to go to parties, where there is drinking. If there is a compromise that you go to these parties without for , for now, until she get's her own issues looked after , would that be okay with you? It seems like such a waste to get divorced since you love her so much, Please try and find a compromise!! Best of luck, please keep us informed, we're here for you if you need to vent.

[matildamosh]

I'm sorry your going thru this, I know it is so hard. Sounds like she was not honest about the extent of her issues, that is no way to have a marriage. Self reflection is always helpful....look into our own issues first. Then look at weather or not she was honest with you about her depression and drinking. It's not fair to say it's me or the beer.....you are not the source of her issues. Good luck friend!