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Avatar universal

My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry
116 Responses
Avatar universal
Antabuse is and w/a bad track record......and if she wants to drink and not get sick she doesn't take it!A pill is not hers...or your answer.....she needs to become willing to kick her disease in its ***.....and it doesn't sound like she's willing to do this!You need to put your sanity first.......and make some decisions that are in your best interest!
7052683 tn?1392942395

Avatar universal
.I too was googling info on problem drinking etc...and ran across this page.  The post could have been written by my husband it's almost identical  to our situation. I am the one with the drinking problem and I know he is angry and sad . He has told me so. I am ashamed.
  I am trying to get it under control but some days it is hard and I falter and drink. I know my husband hates it and I'm scared I will not be able to completely stop and I will lose him .
I used to drink maybe 5 beers on the weekend but for the last few years it's become more and more often. I am a stay at home mother of two boys 14 and 12 and I don't want them to have  a dysfunctional alcoholl abuser as a mother. I drank beer again last night..and I feel ashamed and scared. I know I won't need to detox because I will go a week or so without drinking but I can't seem to go longer than that..I will drink aprox 6-7 beers and I know it affects me on the very first one yet I continue to drink because in all honesty it's not the taste I's the altered state that it gives me..a fake escape...:(
anyway I guess I don't really have a point...I just wanted to say Thank you. It was nice to see I'm not alone...I think I will join your forum...I think it will help myself
7052683 tn?1392942395
Yes, bword, Please stay for a while. We have been where you are, and hopefully can help each other.

Welcome and share your thoughts,
Avatar universal
Thank you I appreciate it. It will be easy for me to stay away from drinking for the next few days or so because of the shame I feel for drinking too much last night..Plus The truth is my husband doesn't think I am an alcoholic per say...he thinks I have an alcohol problem...I really don't know if there is a difference..I don't have any physical withdrawal symptoms and I don't drink everyday..but when I is very rare for me to just stop at one. I will drink to get drunk..which usually only takes 2 beers but I will not stop at two...I average about six lately...I don't really get loud and sloppy..and I almost never get a hangover...but I know that it is effecting me more than it used to...I don't want to be like this...yet I still  right proof that I have a problem...I think my husband doesn't know that I can't just...stop....or only have a couple now and then...maybe I could but I just don't really want to enough? I don't know...
Avatar universal
Come to think of it....I don't think I have ever gone more than a week or so without drinking! (except when I was pregnant I didn't drink at all.) probably since I started college that was  over 20 years ago!. It has just recently gotten to the point where I want to drink more often.. I'm sorry if I got a little long winded...I  probably shouldn't  be posting this in this thread too!  I will start a new thread next time.
Thanks for the support. I think I am going to like it here:)

Avatar universal
No you should be posting all of this here!If you drink to get drunk,and the amount you drink and your resulting behavior is OUT OF CONTROL it does indeed point to alcoholism!
7052683 tn?1392942395
Hi B,

I am heading a new post up just for you! More people will be able to address you and your concerns, since this is under an really old post, K?

Avatar universal
Thank you :)
Avatar universal
When you repeat a mistake, it's no longer a mistake; it's a decision.

I've made the decision for 17 years to stay with and deal with a spouse with a drinking problem; a spouse whom I believe has always been faithful, but a spouse who becomes belligerent and out of control when drinking. I've begged and pleaded for her to stop, or at least try to moderate this problem. I ask her to stop for the sake of our children. I ask her to stop for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. I ask her to stop for her health. This action makes me a control freak in her eyes.

For 17 years, she's promised to stop. To change. To make better decisions. For 17 years, she's lied. For 17 years, I've baby sat. I've cleaned up her vomit. I've cleaned up her mess. I've dealt with the embarrassment of friends laughing at "the drunk girl".  

I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I love my children dearly. I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I don't want to lose all I've worked so hard to gain and achieve.

The heartache and agony of watching someone you love destroy herself has hardened me to a point where I feel nothing for her. Sure, I do care for her and love her, but I don't LOVE HER. I haven't for a very long time. At this point, I don't think that love can be regained.

Since I've repeated this mistake over an over and over, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to perpetuate. I've made this decision.

Now, I must make the decision to change.

The original post is nearly a photocopy of my life.  I find myself embarrassed and angry with my wife for her repeated lies, promises and failures.  

I'm now trying to find the courage to move on from this marriage.  I can't imagine all the pieces that I'll need to pick up.  It seems impossible....but I must try,.  I can't stand the thought of hurting her like this.  Although, we've both said it.  We have openly admitted neither of us are happy.  I want her to be happy, but I don't think she ever will be....not until she admits she has a problem and does something about it.  

I fear most for my daughter (11 years old), who sees my wife's problem and comes to me when mommy has had too much to drink.  An 11 year old shouldn't have to deal with this, nor should she have to deal with the arguments.  

Best of luck to you all and God Bless.
That is exactly my situation and has been for the most recent 20 years. We have been married for 41 years yesterday and I am the general "help" around the house. I do all the cooking and there are times she goes to bed drunk and not eat what I have prepared. How does one go about changeing this non-life cos I cannot go on like this. We have spoken and fought about it but it carries on. I am hurting, I am hating and I am angry with her but also myself. Do I share responsibility for this situation ?  Help please....
Avatar universal
May God be with you as you make very difficult but necessary decisions to move forward with developing a sane life...and for a better life for your children as well.Please keep us posted!
Avatar universal
Thank you for the kinds words.  Just a little update:

For nearly a month, my wife's drinking has slowed drastically. Along with that, her mood has become worse.  This isn't anything new.  With threats from me often come periods of little/no drinking.  Sometimes these are refreshing and happy times, but generally these times are problematic due to her WANTING to drink.  She will hint that she wants to go do things....things that generally "require" drinking.  She will regularly ask that we partake in such activities, then became angry when I don't want to.  I choose not to, because I know what will happen.  Last night, she mentioned going to the lake.  The lake was and always has been an excuse to get hammered.  Going to our friends house and sitting around the fire pit is always an excuse to by a 18 pack of bud light.  Camping...same thing.  For years we couldn't get in the hot tub without at least 2-3 drinks.  Unfortunately, we have no activities we can enjoy without her wanting to pack a cooler.  And if she does refrain from drinking during these activities, she acts depressed or angry.

Last weekend, we did go to the lake.  And she did drink. I admit, I did, too. And our emotions got the best of us.  I twice told her what I've been too much of a coward to tell her previously....that I'm done being hurt.  She baited me into saying our marriage was a mistake (basically, she said our marriage was a mistake, and I wholeheartedly agreed ) and I finished the conversation with "you aren't worth the heartache any longer".  The next day we had a civil conversation about our heated argument, and I admitted my feelings were true.   She admits her feelings were not true, and she was being manipulate.  

I feel guilt and shame for not loving her.  But the honest truth is, she disgusts me.  How do two people get to this point?  Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Avatar universal
Good evening Ship. I'm sorry for what you are going thru It broke my heart reading your last sentence. No you are not wrong for your feeling's. You are entitled to how you feel. I was the drunk in my marriage I Thank the good spirits I'm no longer and that we are still together but I believe there was a time when my husband felt much the same way as you do.. If your wife is not willing to stop drinking and get connected into some kind of sober living this is Her Decision.. 17 years is a long time to live in a atmosphere that you are not happy in.. Hopefully your wife will stop drinking completely get real and honest with herself when she see's that you are serious about making a life without her. Life is short enough without living it unhappily.. I just wanted to add my support and to let you know that you are not a terrible person You are a person that is fed up with living with a drunk. I get it.. Take care ok and you are correct your daughter does not need to see nor hear this what she needs to see and hear are solutions and our progress towards a healthier way of living for you both, the wife also if she is willing.. lesa
Avatar universal
Sorry to hear but completely understand. My husband was at that point just didn't feel like trying anymore bc I was a very mean drunk. It got so bad he put a restraining order on me for 6 months of course I drank whole time n got alot of charges n now I'm n mental health court n that is the only reason he took me back bc I have to sober. But we still drink here n there but him leaving me n I finally seen the ****** person I was made me do alot of thinking we have a kid been married 5 yrs. N drinking isn't worth losing the only 2 ppl I love. Maybe taken a break and leaving let her know just how serious. U are that u don't like it will maybe make her understand that drinking really isn't that important. That is if you even feel like trying!  Just trying to give advice. N maybe would work if that is what u wanted hope the best for y'all!
Avatar universal
wow im going through the same thing. married for 17 years. my wife likes to drink wine or almost anything, when we go to the lake its like 100 bucks just for her wine, gin, vodka..her and her friends start dinking at 4pm till the wee hours.... i get so mad when i get home and my wife has already started drinking wine, at least 3/4 quaters of bottle of wine a night. and alot more if i complain about it or give her the look(ive been told) now she blames me for making her drink so much. when she gets drunk she says that she is been upset for years and it comes out when she drinks.the only problem i have is she drinks too much. every holiday we have gone there is one night of pure hell. and its because of drinking. the next day after ignoring her for a couple hours she comes and says sorry. most of the time she cant remember why she would get so mad at me. it never fails now, after we go out to the pub or have friends over or a fire pit at the lake it ends with me doing or saying that makes her irrate. last time at the lake i took to long to help her out of her chair(i was in the middle of conversation) she called me a bunch of names, i ignored her and went to bed, you could hear her kicking chairs around. next morning she cant remember but its my fault. i dont think there is much help for us. i love every morning with her before i go to work, we have coffee talk even share a kiss. but when i get home the wine has started again..
Avatar universal
A few people have posted that they or their spouse seem to get really drunk on just a beer or two.  That has started to happen since my wife started taking Lexipro, an anti-depressant.  She gets wobbly, slurs her words, starts repeating things over and over, and just isn't herself anymore.  This wasn't the way she acted if she drank before the Lexipro;  she'd get really cranky and we'd fight.  Now I either feel angry or like I don't want to be around her.  It's especially frustrating when she is in public or with just another person or two.  It seems like it's mostly attention seeking behavior.  Sometimes she can talk about it, but mostly she just repeats that she's sorry and she knows she needs help.  She's been going to AA, but often comes home drunk, sometimes after the meeting, sometimes instead of the meeting.  I'm very worried.  I love her, and I don't know what to do, which is how I found this thread.  I've been to some Al-Anon meetings, and I'm thinking of going to more.  I've copied some helpful writing from this string -- thank you.

Forgiveness and support those are the two things I want to offer and keep in mind when she drinks.  She went all 4 days of this weekend without drinking and commented on how great it felt to just be together and be close and be sober.  I guess what I'm afraid of that her drinking will get worse.  I want to be a helper toward sobriety, but I'm not sure how.  Being grounded and aware of my own reactions, so I'm not blowing up or disappearing.  Reading all this has given me resolve to be an active part of her healing early on.  
Avatar universal
By ALL means get to more Al-Anon-have u considered finding a good counselor for yourself?
Avatar universal
Wow.. I have daughters 16 and 14 and everything else is similar to your situation. I've been at my wits end for several years now, but not sure what to do. Do I leave? Do I stick it out? What? The only reason I can't leave is because I know my wife can't make it financially on her own and my daughters. I have no clue whats next.
8428738 tn?1400362075
Drinking is really a big issue especially if this involves addiction, in this case alcoholism. If your partner is suffering from this, it is quite very difficult to adapt and address this problem alone. You should tackle this issue as partners to be able to surpass the many challenges that you have to go through.
How can you say that your wife/husband as a problem with alcoholism?  Here are a few signs and symptoms you could check to validate your hunches that your wife might be suffering from alcoholic drinks addiction.
1. You see her constantly irritated and depressed.
As a couple you might have spent a lot of time together so it is easy for you to conclude if your partner is going through something or not. If she suddenly feels irritated and depressed for no reason at all, you could simply conclude that there is an issue for you to discover. How can you associate this with alcoholism? Seeing your wife constantly in jeopardy or feeling incomplete whenever she fails to go out with friends and drink is a sign of alcoholism.
2. She starts to keep things away from you and stays out late at night.
When your wife starts to hide things from you, the places that she goes or the people she spends time with. Staying out late at night till wee hours in the morning is also a sign that she is heavily involved in something she could not do inside the house, just like drinking. When you start to see bottles of wine and vodka in your drawers or in awkward places in the house, alcoholism is indeed in the equation.
3. You fight too often and she ends up having a drinking spree after every fight.
Any stressful situation in your household or between you and your wife would all end up to her being drunk afterwards. When she starts to use drinking as an escape to confrontations any problems that you have to face as a couple, then you can simply conclude that alcoholism does exists and ruins your relationship with her.
Communication is the key to address this problem. Know here reasons why she started to get into drinking. Having a hard time getting into her feelings and the things that she might have in mind? Ask for professional or medical help. Any problem, or in this case, addiction to alcoholic drinks can be addressed with open communication and mature conversation between you and your wife.
10335154 tn?1409387599
I think it is common you get angry with someone who you love. Since she is your wife, you always want the best for her. However, don't be rude towards her because she needs your support throughout her lifetime. I had a friend whose wife had the same kind of problem, but that friend of mine took the challenge of helping his wife with that. I hope you can too. Just consider taking her to a rehab.
Avatar universal

I love my wife dearly she drinks a bottle of wine a night, smokes and uses her overseas credit card to buy clothes and expects me to pay the credit card bill, she can't get it that we are not going to get ahead and the international credit charges. We have no children, since moving to Aussie she has found it hard to get a job and keep it, she appears to always have a problem with the bosses.( some of the bosses have been AHoles) We have been married for 5 years. I can't remember a night that she has not drunk, every photo she is in has her with a wine glass and a smoke in her hand. Her wine glass is always filled to to top, not like at a pub, she has problems from her childhood and in the last several years with a family member who committed suicide. She doesn't get on with her mother. I've tried to get us to go for help but she will not go. She will go to friend houses drink on the odd Friday drink a bottle of wine I'll drive, when we get home its time for bed but she will always have another glass. At times when she has asked me to pour a 1/2 for her I have done for a pub standard 1/2 and she has flipped, once at me. I have not drunk in front of my wife other than on or 2 beers, she can't drive or will not get back in the drivers seat since she had a car accideient several years ago. I've mentioned her drinking to our close friends and they have brushed it off, but have offered advice. she doesn't admit to her friends she has a drinking problem when talked about she will say she has 1 or 2  wines a nite , a bottle is 7.5 standard drinks/

I've tried to talk to her about it but she says I don't like anything about her, and why did I marry her.

there are times when I just want to grab her and shake the hell out of her to make her listen and realise I love her and she is destroying herself and us.

I grew up with a father that didn't drive and drunk a lot - I now feel like I'm living the same life as my mother.

What can I do?
Avatar universal
My heart goes out to all those who have expressed themselves by posting. It has been a while since my last post. Nothing has changed with my wife's drinking.

I did tell her exactly how I felt before Halloween. I told her about my reservations regarding attending the party with neighbors. I was direct with my prediction of how the evening would unfold. She listened and said nothing. I dressed up like a cowboy and went to the party knowing full well what was going to happen. Before we left the party People were telling me that I had my hands full with my drunk wife. I was mortified again. It sucked all the fun out of the evening and I told my wife what was said and by whom. So now she has to deal with knowing what people really think and she seems a little regretful.
I think I will skip the next costume party or wear a full face mask.
Avatar universal
I re read Your first post -  You wrote it FIVE YEARS ago, almost 5 years ago to the day!! Nov EIGHT 2009 then Nov FIVE 2014

.......and apparently You plan to spend at least another year in the same unhappy situation - as You seem not to expect any change before next years' Halloween party.....just saying

You have NO control over Her choices, ONLY Your own - You do not HAVE to 'accept' alcohol in Your life

Avatar universal
As usual Tink you hit the nail on the head!The best definition of insanity as described in the Narcotics Anonymous big book-"Insanity is repeating the SAME mistakes-and expecting DIFFERENT results!
Avatar universal
I guess i'm insane because I've stayed in the relationship (can't call it a marriage anymore but not divorced....yet) and have listened to all the apologies, lies, and promises for the last 5 years.  She's been in rehab twice, once for a month, then again for 2 weeks about 8 months after her first stint.  Each time it's the same story, I'm going to work my plan and stick with it and before 90 days has passed it's back to the same routine. Quits going to AA meetings because her way is soooo much better.  
Just this morning she asked me to retrieve her purse from downstairs while she was trying to start her car....but before I could do it, she came charging in and said she'd get it.  I knew then that she was trying to hide the fact that she had hid beer downstairs for her nightly drinks.  She really thinks I'm that stupid.  After she left, it took about 30 seconds for me to find her stash of 4 remaining beers.  Natually I poured them out, but instead of tossing the bottles, I refilled them with water and put them back in the cardboard container.  She'll probably stop on the way home from work to get an additional supply so it won't be a big deal to her.  And, she won't say anything about them being filled with water.  it will be like nothing happened.  Now that I think about it I should have done it to just 3 of them, and left the untouched bottle where that would be the first one she drank.  Then when she opened the rest of them and found water she wouldn't be able to go out after more because of the breathalyzer she was forced into installing in her car after getting caught driving drunk in May.  
I've been to AlAnon meetings and there are a lot of good folks there, but there's only so much "keep coming back because it works" that I can take.  I know it's a disease with her, but she makes the choice to drink, just like she could make the choice not to stop and get her 12 or 18 pack.  
I'm pretty much fed up and tired of it all.  No kids at home, I'm retired, she's working for now, but that will come to an end when she shows up drunk or stays home to drink.  
Avatar universal
WOW!Life is too dang short to continue to tolerate this....she is making her choices to drink.....i do believe you have a LOT of better choices left to begin to restore some sanity...and eventually some serenity to your life!
Avatar universal
You will never understand how much what you wrote helped me...Our stories are almost identical ...Thank you. ;)
Avatar universal
Just got to the end of the tread and now im alone again, My wife is in the other room drunk from too much wine, my two boys aged 12 and 13 are at a friends for the night.
She loves them so very much but cannot see the harm that her drinking is causing all of us.
Its the night before christmas and we just agreed we will be breaking up our household, I am sooooo scared for my boys wellbeing... Help help help!!!!!!!!
Avatar universal
From what you describe your boys wellbeing is better off with YOU!the longer they continue to live @ this insanity the more detrimental it will be to them...and you!
Avatar universal
i understand your difficulty and pain, it's hard. I understand it from the other side though. I am an alcoholic. No one can know what it feels like when there is a controlling need for alcohol. Regardless of why we start, it grabs a hold of an alcoholic for the sake of the alcohol alone.

It WILL destroy her. It WILL kill her. If you love her, I would suggest presenting the one thing that will save her, and if you're lucky your marriage. Your kids will have a whole mother again if she agrees.

I will present these as absolutes because they are. She needs to be admitted to a detox facility (usually five to seven days). Immediately following that (immediately means the next day) inpatient rehab, usually two to four weeks. Then, a month of outpatient rehab. These are usually 12 step programs that have proven exceptionally effective. I have gone through these and they are the solution, but she has to be willing to do them. Maybe the threat of divorce.

That is for her, now you. I would strongly suggest you attend meetings of Al-Anon (a support group for families of alcoholics). You will learn more about your wife, how to deal with her, but more importantly, how to cope. I would suggest you commit to two months regardless of what your wife decides. This is very difficult, I know. It can be insidious and destroy a part of you inside. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. They will always need you.

Notes from an alcoholic.
12804353 tn?1427320914
I'd be extremely careful about the anger side of this.  Don't underestimate the power of it.  You sound like a nice guy and as a rule, and from my own experience as someone people see as "nice", most nice guys eat their pain - the pain, loss, sadness, abandonment, humiliation, and isolation that comes from living with (pardon my bluntness here) a narcissistic, self-serving, glutton.  My wife is 25 years into the behavior your dealing with.  She now hides here booze inside the house, outside the house, and in the neighborhood - so she can drink on her "walks."  I've tried absolutely everything mentioned here.  She's so sweet and nice and EVERYBODY loves her (oh yeah, she's also "disabled" by her various conditions).  The BEST think I've found is to get away.  That's my advise to you - even if  you have to live in the same house with her.  If she's acting goofy - leave and tell her you're not putting up with it and she can (1) if you're out, find her own way home, (2) pick herself up off the floor, (3) call her own ambulance, (4) sleep in her own room or the couch, (5) eat her own meals by herself ... don't eat anything she cooks.  If she doesn't work, take her access to credit and the bank account away.  Let her find her own money.  Just step away and start to live your own life.  Lock a door if you have to.  Go out with friends (don't drink or get high) - find a group of real (emphasis real) friends and hang with them doing fun stuff that's wholesome.  Take a vacation by yourself or with a good friend.  Go fishing.  Go camping.  Just get the heck away.  Take your kids!  Let her live in her stupor for a good long while and then when she cares enough about herself and her marriage to come to you (AFTER detox and rehab) ... then SLOWLY trust her on little things ... slowly!!!  Don't, repeat, don't have sex with her until she's clean for at least 6 months.  Just my opinion based on many wasted years of marriage to this addiction.
Avatar universal
So good to take a firm line is too short and precious to waste...and the effects of this on young children...who grow into older children are devastating...something the alcoholic is completely blind too as well as their own sickness!
Avatar universal
I have precisely the same issue. I am a teetotaller so I noticed the problem very quickly. Sadly, as any psychologist will tell you, there is no solution for you other than to take your kids & leave her. You can't force her to attend rehab by law. There is essentially nothing you can do for her. Unless she accepts that she is an alcoholic she won't be able to help herself, either. Most alcoholics refuse to accept that they are, indeed, alcoholics. The chance of either of us sorting out our respective problems is so low as to make it not worth even bothering to think about. If you can afford to run two homes, leave now. Good luck.
Avatar universal
That's almost exactly my story. I was a heavy drinker for many years (beer only), and finally quit a couple of years ago when I noticed how out of control my wife's drinking was getting. I mean, falling down drunk.

My wife is a respected professional and a socially very nice person. Everyone thinks that the sun just shines out of her ***. But over the last five years, her drinking has become steadily worse. She was always a light drinker, but then hooked up with these church ladies, who I call the "wine *******" that get together for Bacchanalian "prayer meetings." The wine and vodka flowed freely. Since then, she is up to nearly a 1.75 liter bottle of Pinot Grigio every single day. My grown kids (18 and 19) have zero respect for her, and neither do I. She is not interested in discussing her problem, because like most raging alcoholics, she doesn't think she has one.

I shun any social gatherings where alcohol where be served, because she will be staggering and slurring along well before the affair ends. I have heard many comments from my own family about her inability to handle her drinking. I am angry and embarrassed, but I have a plan.

I will hang tight until my kids are out of college, and then I'm walking away without any further comment. She can keep the damn house and the damn dogs. I know that everything else will be whacked up (401k, etc) will be whacked up by the courts. But I will still have my sanity, my dignity, and maybe quite few good years left.      
Avatar universal
Reading these posts has given me a little relief knowing that im not the only one in this situation. Im 37 and im quite certain my wife has a drinking problem. She will use any excuse possible to leave the house and drink. Today was mothers day and we have 2 kids 6 and 11. I was in a bad mood already because when i got home from a very stressful day at work and had to drive through tornados to get home. I come in to find the house in a total mess and the wife and her friend are drunk and letting the 6 year old draw all over himself with a sharpie permanent marker. The 11 year old becomes very defient when his mom is drunk. So she passes out everywhere. We go to see live music and she passes out sitting in a chair in the middle of everyone. I use to help her get up and go home, but i don't anymore. I just leave her be. Anyways, i dumped out a bunch of her wine on friday night when she passed out, so when she came to she called our neighbor to bring her some vodka. She hid this in our bedroom night stand. So on mothers day i could tell she was totally bummed out because what she really wanted to do was go have drinks on some patio somewhere and me and the kids just wanted her to go do something fun with her. So what ended up happening was she went "shopping" by herself for a few hours. When she got home she was well on her way to being drunk. For the rest of the day she kept going back to our room and drinking the hidden bottle of vodka. Im really getting very tired of this routine.
Avatar universal
I wish there would be an easy solution to this problem :-((( seems drinking is easier than not drinking for many
Avatar universal
My girlfriend was 43 and passed away earlier this year from the disease - liver completely destroyed. She was with me for 3 years. Was bright, had an MBA and making 200K when with her husband. Husband divorced, lost her job and then her house in the divorce.
Came with me and I saw the drinking but had no idea how bad it would get. She was drinking straight vodka at 7 AM. Would take naps every day - 3-4 hours - at 4 PM and then get up and drink some more. Ran her fancy car into the concrete pole at the gas station. Came home one time and parked in the neighbor's driveway at noon. Went through 5 Parkway tolls without paying one time and slept somewhere in her car when she couldn't find her way back here. If I touched the vodka she would hold a steak knife to my eye and threatened to stab me. Went out in her car one day and told me 'something happened." What happened was she was getting gas and picked up a sharp-looking guy in the car behind her and went behind a building in his SUV and had sex. Also had around 150K worth of clothes in storage bins and in my house -  most with the tags still on and was still buying more stuff just like it. It was a total nightmare and I could do nothing about it. I asked her, "Is this what you want to do all day, sit here and get drunk?" She said "Yes, now go die someplace." It wasn't like this in the beginning. I tried everything to stop this when the disease showed itself but I failed. After seeing this beautiful woman destroy herself I want to say this: Yes, you people are right, they have to want to stop. But, guess what? Some of them can't and you just can't sit there and watch the destruction. I found out about the Marchman Act and the Baker Act after she died. These people need to be taken in against their will and it's the only chance. Yes, I know the relapse rate is off the charts but so what? The success rate for voluntary and involuntary rehab is close to the same according to what I could dig up. At least they have some kind of chance. Let them get drunk every day and you'll be visiting the cemetery. Yes, involuntary commitment to a facility is extremely difficult but after what I lived through and witnessed i see no other choice. The person is mentally ill with "wet brain" from the poison and has no idea what planet they're on. How can they be "ready to stop" when they are out of their minds in many cases? Think about it. If you look out your front window and you see somebody banging his head against a telephone pole do you just sit there until he drops dead or do you call a mental health official because it's blatantly obvious the person is sick in the head?
Avatar universal
Thank You for posting!You went thru H! and back with this woman!Many here try to intervene,try to get help for their loved ones.BUT when many have been thru rehab,many a time PLUS and still choose to drink and or drug,there isn't much that can be done unless you become an adult babysitter 24/7.I've been sober and clean 31 years now.My brother lovingly intervened on me years back and I must've been ready for my 25 day inpatient stint took hold as well as 12 step attendance and finding the right ppl in recovery.
Avatar universal
You are right. I just wish I could have at least gotten her into rehab one time through a forced intervention. It would have been very difficult because she was stubborn and kept telling me she felt *fine* as she turned yellow. I probably would have ended up being a full time babysitter and you just can't live like that. She lost her marriage, home and job at the same time. Maybe the stress was too much. I found a note to her ex husband where she said she was too old to start all over again like he was doing. Look at Jim Carey's girlfriend - recent suicide. Amy Winehouse - vodka suicide. Robin Williams - alcohol, depression, belt around neck suicide. Sometimes the demons win and that's just the way it is.
Avatar universal
Robin Williams had the cards stacked against,anxiety,chemically dependent then Parkinsons. THEN on top of ALL that a dx of Lewy Body Dementia:(i understand why he took his life.My mom was tortured by it for 15 years.It destroyed her.He knew what the end of it would be and i'm glad he didn't end up like my mom who finally passed in 2014.My dayjob is substance abuse counselor for the past 30 years.I watch ppl who've been thru numerous rehabs w/loads of family support drink/drug.I watch the same w/the opiate/heroin addicts who lose SO much in life and continue to chase heroin.My dear friend of 30 years has a son and his GF who've been shooting heroin for 3 years.She has custody of her  5 year old grandson and the girl is 4 months pregnant,Both in good treatment programs and continue to shoot heroin!What can an adult do?Live their lives as best they can and their children...or loved ones will have to deal w/the consequences of their poor choices!Either ppl have to WANT recovery...or they don' is a black and white issue.It was for me!And those SERIOUS @ theirs have made it so for them!
16124421 tn?1477963020
Hi all
I'm from Australia and I can relate with the stories here. My wife has started drinking heavily for the last 5 years 1-2 bottles a night. I'm a broken man. I'm ready to just give it away I think. I'm angry beyond description. No one seems to be able to say anything that helps. I feel there is no hope
Avatar universal
Have u talked w/her @ seeking help?if so,does she accept or reject the idea?Are their children involved?
Avatar universal
It breaks my heart and brings me to tears reading your stories.
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all and say it will be ok.
It is comforting to know personally I'm not suffering alone.
The insane rage feeling, helpless ness and pain you go through when you watch your loved one drink and drink until they are an absolute stumbling, passed out mess.
The chaos it causes.
The threats and name calling, bashing texts to him on his phone
Then locking him out and chasing him, yelling and wanting to physically abuse him over the intense anger of how he can selfishly just take off and be gone for hours upon hours drinking.
Why does he need and want to spend all this time talking, hanging out with these people/neighbors? Why does he need to be the life of the party, "look at me" I hate it!
So many nights I've cried and cried myself to sleep to wake up at 1, 2, 3 am still no husband home from partying.
It's so hard because one just can't walk away
When you love someone so much and you have children, a household a life of years of marriage
It is the most devastating and depressed way of living.  You carry around this sadness with you every moment.
And always waiting until Friday night,, nervous anxiety sets it as the end of the workweek begins.
It's party time yet again.  
Softball game=beer, boating=beer social events, BBQ's=beer
Not a few then home but many 20-30
I mean a lot
I really don't count anymore...
After 20 years I can start to see the impact financial burdens are starting to set in now
I tried to leave last year by following through with my threat, attorneys $ brief separation but then
The fear sets in... It's so hard
Your children are mad at you because your breaking up the family, blame you...
It's a double edged sword..
Enough with my marathon...
I always read these but never comment
When I saw that a husband wrote about his wife and others commented with their stories too
I saw it can be the other way around
The one similarity is the addiction, male or female the disease is still the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read...
Avatar universal
Wow I have the same wife is an's been a long time since she's chosen me over the alcohol.'s have tried so hard over the past few years to not be try to justify her drinking lord knows I know she works hard and I never want to begrudge her a night out with friends but she doesn't know when to stop.....she drinks and drinks....she just got a Dui last week and I swear to god it seems like she's mad at me for it. Whether there's an us at the end of this road or not hopefully she will now believe me and get the help she needs. I feel your pain...I love my girl with all my heart.
Avatar universal
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Avatar universal
It is like you are describing my situation. My wife has the same alcohol problem.  As usual she came home drunk tonight, at 11.00 PM. It hurts me to see her drunk. I am a university lecturer and my students see her in the drunk state. She doesn't keep quiet when when she's drunk. She abuses me, most vulgar. It is embarrassing.
We often fight, in front of our children. Then she shouts on top of her voice, and neighbours come to watch the drama. I have been angry but reading through the posts here, I am now moved from angry to sad.
my daughter is 21, my son is 19, both at varsity. I know it is so hard for them. My daughter is on her mum's side, thinks it is her mum's right to drink. The boy is embarrassed.

I love my wife. Could never imagine that my family would be in such a situation.  But lo and behold. I am sad and confused.

She drinks every day, more than six beers.  And no one will stop her. I complained to her parents but this has not helped.
On Xmas, she got so drunk at our country home and village women came to watch the otherwise respectable wife of a lecture, now talking like real drunkard.  I was embarrassed,  and this has now become routine.
I have noted that we are many going through such bad situation. For the sake of my children and my dear wife whom I love so much I will hang in there.  I keep praying about it.
I will also try talking to her when she is sober. Should I convene a meeting between us and her father.
Avatar universal
I am 66 been married 48 yrs.  10 yrs ago i lost one breast to cancer.  I have many side effects from surgeries and meds. I drink.  Mostly wine.  I have blacked out.  About 3 yrs ago hubby and i went to coast.  He wanted sex. Since cancer i burn down there and been to doctors trying to fix it.  I was drunk and got mad and yelled.  Manager called and said their was a complaint.  We didnt get kicked out.  Ever since then and there have been some black outs at home...he wont go anywhere...on vacation w me.  I have to stop drinking.  I have cut back.  So i cant leave either.  He blames 100% on my drinking.  Ps..we have $$$! He doesnt want to spend it on house repairs either.   He has RA and has walking issues too.  I was planning a trip where we would rent mobile is depressing...been wanting a separation for a long time.
I am 66 been married 48 yrs.  10 yrs ago i lost one breast to cancer.  I have many side effects from surgeries and meds. I drink.  Mostly wine.  I have blacked out.  About 3 yrs ago hubby and i went to coast.  He wanted sex. Since cancer i burn down there and been to doctors trying to fix it.  I was drunk and got mad and yelled.  Manager called and said their was a complaint.  We didnt get kicked out.  Ever since then and there have been some black outs at home...he wont go anywhere...on vacation w me.  I have to stop drinking.  I have cut back.  So i cant leave either.  He blames 100% on my drinking.  Ps..we have $$$! He doesnt want to spend it on house repairs either.   He has RA and has walking issues too.  I was planning a trip where we would rent mobile is depressing...been wanting a separation for a long time. Its not picking between the drinking and him....thats not fair...there is a reason for drinking.  Hubby sick....he is always right...doesnt like a hoarder
Avatar universal
Alcohol destroys so much .... :-(((
Avatar universal
Well, reading all of that was depressing and enlightening all in one go.

My wife lies about drinking every day. It is especially bad when she says she hasn't had a drink when she's supposed to be working... that just pushes my button!

She's in bed now, drunk and feeling angry at me because she sees me as an obstacle to her drinking and feels I shouldn't tell her not to drink. She's right... I know I'm just wasting my time and my life
Wow. I'm not alone. I have been married for almost 30 years and my wife's lying and alcohol addiction is ruining our marriage our lives and both of our health's. I NEVER see her drink but she keeps getting nastier and nastier and I just know that my night is going to be ugly. We are not taking beer or wine. Its absolute. Im at the end of my rope but not in the best of health. I feel trapped.
You should leave..
You can't waste away because of someone else's choices.
Avatar universal
I keep finding empties hidden in her bags. When I confront her about it. She says she hides them because she knows I’d say something if the empty cans were in the trash can. She blacks out at night, with our 2 year old kid, she writes it off as being “tired.” I am already talking to my kid in a language I don’t really like, “that’s your Mom, drunk again,” My daughter’s 2 and doesn’t understand what I’m implying, or does she? You can never really tell at that age, but if I continue with this approach, and I know it is wrong, she will know soon enough.

What can I do?  
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