Aa
My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?
I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
It is like you are describing my situation. My wife has the same alcohol problem. As usual she came home drunk tonight, at 11.00 PM. It hurts me to see her drunk. I am a university lecturer and my students see her in the drunk state. She doesn't keep quiet when when she's drunk. She abuses me, most vulgar. It is embarrassing.
We often fight, in front of our children. Then she shouts on top of her voice, and neighbours come to watch the drama. I have been angry but reading through the posts here, I am now moved from angry to sad.
my daughter is 21, my son is 19, both at varsity. I know it is so hard for them. My daughter is on her mum's side, thinks it is her mum's right to drink. The boy is embarrassed.
I love my wife. Could never imagine that my family would be in such a situation. But lo and behold. I am sad and confused.
She drinks every day, more than six beers. And no one will stop her. I complained to her parents but this has not helped.
On Xmas, she got so drunk at our country home and village women came to watch the otherwise respectable wife of a lecture, now talking like real drunkard. I was embarrassed, and this has now become routine.
I have noted that we are many going through such bad situation. For the sake of my children and my dear wife whom I love so much I will hang in there. I keep praying about it.
I will also try talking to her when she is sober. Should I convene a meeting between us and her father.
We often fight, in front of our children. Then she shouts on top of her voice, and neighbours come to watch the drama. I have been angry but reading through the posts here, I am now moved from angry to sad.
my daughter is 21, my son is 19, both at varsity. I know it is so hard for them. My daughter is on her mum's side, thinks it is her mum's right to drink. The boy is embarrassed.
I love my wife. Could never imagine that my family would be in such a situation. But lo and behold. I am sad and confused.
She drinks every day, more than six beers. And no one will stop her. I complained to her parents but this has not helped.
On Xmas, she got so drunk at our country home and village women came to watch the otherwise respectable wife of a lecture, now talking like real drunkard. I was embarrassed, and this has now become routine.
I have noted that we are many going through such bad situation. For the sake of my children and my dear wife whom I love so much I will hang in there. I keep praying about it.
I will also try talking to her when she is sober. Should I convene a meeting between us and her father.
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Wow I have the same issue....my wife is an alcoholic....it's been a long time since she's chosen me over the alcohol. ...it's have tried so hard over the past few years to not be angry....to try to justify her drinking lord knows I know she works hard and I never want to begrudge her a night out with friends but she doesn't know when to stop.....she drinks and drinks....she just got a Dui last week and I swear to god it seems like she's mad at me for it. Whether there's an us at the end of this road or not hopefully she will now believe me and get the help she needs. I feel your pain...I love my girl with all my heart.
It breaks my heart and brings me to tears reading your stories.
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all and say it will be ok.
It is comforting to know personally I'm not suffering alone.
The insane rage feeling, helpless ness and pain you go through when you watch your loved one drink and drink until they are an absolute stumbling, passed out mess.
The chaos it causes.
The threats and name calling, bashing texts to him on his phone
Then locking him out and chasing him, yelling and wanting to physically abuse him over the intense anger of how he can selfishly just take off and be gone for hours upon hours drinking.
Why does he need and want to spend all this time talking, hanging out with these people/neighbors? Why does he need to be the life of the party, "look at me" I hate it!
So many nights I've cried and cried myself to sleep to wake up at 1, 2, 3 am still no husband home from partying.
It's so hard because one just can't walk away
When you love someone so much and you have children, a household a life of years of marriage
It is the most devastating and depressed way of living. You carry around this sadness with you every moment.
And always waiting until Friday night,, nervous anxiety sets it as the end of the workweek begins.
It's party time yet again.
Softball game=beer, boating=beer social events, BBQ's=beer
Not a few then home but many 20-30
I mean a lot
I really don't count anymore...
After 20 years I can start to see the impact financial burdens are starting to set in now
I tried to leave last year by following through with my threat, attorneys $ brief separation but then
The fear sets in... It's so hard
Your children are mad at you because your breaking up the family, blame you...
It's a double edged sword..
Enough with my marathon...
I always read these but never comment
When I saw that a husband wrote about his wife and others commented with their stories too
I saw it can be the other way around
The one similarity is the addiction, male or female the disease is still the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read...
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all and say it will be ok.
It is comforting to know personally I'm not suffering alone.
The insane rage feeling, helpless ness and pain you go through when you watch your loved one drink and drink until they are an absolute stumbling, passed out mess.
The chaos it causes.
The threats and name calling, bashing texts to him on his phone
Then locking him out and chasing him, yelling and wanting to physically abuse him over the intense anger of how he can selfishly just take off and be gone for hours upon hours drinking.
Why does he need and want to spend all this time talking, hanging out with these people/neighbors? Why does he need to be the life of the party, "look at me" I hate it!
So many nights I've cried and cried myself to sleep to wake up at 1, 2, 3 am still no husband home from partying.
It's so hard because one just can't walk away
When you love someone so much and you have children, a household a life of years of marriage
It is the most devastating and depressed way of living. You carry around this sadness with you every moment.
And always waiting until Friday night,, nervous anxiety sets it as the end of the workweek begins.
It's party time yet again.
Softball game=beer, boating=beer social events, BBQ's=beer
Not a few then home but many 20-30
I mean a lot
I really don't count anymore...
After 20 years I can start to see the impact financial burdens are starting to set in now
I tried to leave last year by following through with my threat, attorneys $ brief separation but then
The fear sets in... It's so hard
Your children are mad at you because your breaking up the family, blame you...
It's a double edged sword..
Enough with my marathon...
I always read these but never comment
When I saw that a husband wrote about his wife and others commented with their stories too
I saw it can be the other way around
The one similarity is the addiction, male or female the disease is still the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Have u talked w/her @ seeking help?if so,does she accept or reject the idea?Are their children involved?
Hi all
I'm from Australia and I can relate with the stories here. My wife has started drinking heavily for the last 5 years 1-2 bottles a night. I'm a broken man. I'm ready to just give it away I think. I'm angry beyond description. No one seems to be able to say anything that helps. I feel there is no hope
I'm from Australia and I can relate with the stories here. My wife has started drinking heavily for the last 5 years 1-2 bottles a night. I'm a broken man. I'm ready to just give it away I think. I'm angry beyond description. No one seems to be able to say anything that helps. I feel there is no hope
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